6.15.2010

American Apparel: Hits and Misses (well..mostly misses)

About two years ago, I wrote about the crappy styles at American Apparel, which was funny, but sort of like shooting fish in a barrel. I mean, most of the clothing 2 years ago was designed around the theory of If it's tight it's right. Well, not anymore, apparently. Forget about Dov Charney sleeping with all the female staff; there's a new attack on American Apparel:

They hire based on appearance.

I know, right? SHOCKING. A store with a reputation for being image-centric is hiring staff based solely on good looks. Of course, the whistle blower this time is gossip site Gawker. It seems like every other day they have a new article on how sleazy and shitty American Apparel is. In case you have 8 hours to kill, feel free to read their entire back catalogue of Won't Somebody PLEASE Think of the Children!-worthy posts, such as:

American Apparel Has a 'Full Body Head to Toe' Employment Policy

American Apparel: Internal Documents Reveal Uglies Not Welcome


And my personal favourite, American Apparel's Complete Guide to Grooming

But really, what are we worried about? It's common knowledge that American Apparel sales have been in the turlet: they recently announced a $17.6 million loss for the first quarter of 2010. Wamp wamp. It could be because they are trying really really hard to re-brand themselves as classic American, late 80s/early 90s Ralph Lauren upper-class casual (which is a huge leap from late 70s/early 80s spandex camel-toe fat hooker swimwear-as-outerwear look they were aiming for as of 2008 and/or the EVERYTHING WE SELL IS THIN AND GREY look of 2009). Will it work? Meh, who knows. Alls I know is they are still selling some really ugly shit.


Okay, so this just kills me. It's not terrible, per se - I mean, it's just a wintertime nighty-night onesie. But seriously, could you imagine your boyfriend/husband wearing this? I don't speak for all men, but all the guys I know/have shared a bed with usually get so hot at night they sleep in their underwear. Hell, I grew up with a Dad who never wore pyjamas, and one time I saw him wearing a full shirt-and-drawstring-pants pyjama set and it was WEIRD. I was like "Dad, this is more traumatic than seeing you in your worn-out underwear". So I cannot imagine the kind of guy that would actually wear a full onesie. I imagine this guy's father looks at this picture of his son and thinks "I made so many mistakes raising Geoffrey...."


Okay, so two things about this are making me barf in my mouth.
1) The zipper. EW. My uncle used to date this lady named Barb (who pronounced it like Beyurb) and she was all about the zippered bathing suits. I should also mention that she was clinging to a style that was popular about 10 years prior - this was like, the mid-to-late 90s. Anyways, one time her kids came over and used my sister and I's Super Soakers and we were PISSED. Long story short, bathing suits with zippers always makes me irrationally angry.
2) The denim. I cannot stand anything faux-denim. Actually, I'll take it one further - I don't tolerate denim as a first-layer. That means no denim tank tops, bras, or short shorts. That means you, 80% of the Summertime public. I just can't handle those super short jean shorts - they're so trashy. I don't care that you paid $100 for them; it still looks like Christina Aguilera in her Dirrty days. Anyways, denim-print things are just so gross. Imagine cordouroy print? Wool-print? And it's ALWAYS on a spandex-type fabric too, which is 100x worse. Anyways, this bathing suit is my nightmare.


While the second image of the model isn't terrible (it's still bad, but not bad enough for me to barf up my lunch) the first image says "I can't wait to spend this month's cheque on that knockoff Coach purse down at the flea market", which is to say - yes, I am alluding to the fact that she looks like she collects welfare.


This picture does not do this coat justice; it is much worse in person. I saw it and was like "ew, is that sweatpant material?" and yes, yes it is. It's a jacket made from sweatpants, and it fits exactly how you would think a jacket made from sweatpants would fit: Awful.


These riding pants are thick and tight, which means one thing: crotch rot. And for the rest of us who aren't anorexic or a size 0, it means something else: DHB (dumpy horse butt).


This whole look reminds me of the crazy alcoholic drug-addict mom who used to live on my street and flip-off the neighbors. And for those of you who didn't grow up with such a colourful character, let me tell you: more sad than hilarious. You'd think such a lady would be the basis for many a "oh my god, when I was 11" stories, but it was more like "oh my god, this one time my 9 and 6 year old neighbors had to sit in their garage on paint cans on a really rainy night because they were locked out and their mom was getting drunk at a bar".


She's 3 lbs away from a seriously offensive gunt.


Blue Velvet the movie: amazing
Blue Velvet the fabric: not very forgiving


"Shit...I can't really go topless to Gamp-gamp's funeral, but it's sooooooo hot outside. But Nan-nan will kill me if I show up with no shirt on. But it's soooooo effing hot outside!"
"God Julian, just wear the mesh tank. We're already late"


The issue I have with this shirt is that it's so baggy that one could not effectively wager a guess as to whether or not the wearer has man boobs, thus entering into the critical apex before one gives the green-light to intercourse. Jokes! The reason I hate it is because it's fucking stupid looking.


This is some straight-up Jackie Earle Haley/Little Children shit.


This skirt looks like that dare VICE had about a year ago where people had to find 5 days worth of the shittiest second-hand clothing and make a friend wear every outfit. I can't imagine how one could possibly make this skirt any more tolerable.


Erp. Apparently this is how you make that skirt more tolerable. Like honestly, it's fun to rag on American Apparel's clothing, but sometimes they put out something so fug that even Dov himself must say "Wow, guys...maybe let's sober up first before putting these pants into mass-production". I cannot see even the hipsterest of hipsters wearing these pants. The only person dumb enough to try it would be Kesha (I refuse to type that dollar sign) and you and I know she's pretty special in a "honey, pass the gasoline - I can't believe the dangerous-inhalant cravings I've had during this pregnancy."


In other "It looks like I pooed my pants" news...


American Apparel was successful at bringing back the fanny pack, mom jeans, sweatshirts with cats on it, pastels, and that nylon rope you use to hang sunglasses around your neck. Now they're working on pleated poly-cotton pants and knit button up vests. I'm no math professor, but if [(X + Y) x Y/Z] + (irony x 2) = STOP TRYING TO MAKE MIDDLE AGED SEXLESS MIDWESTERN MOM HAPPEN. It's not going to happen!


Out of all the clothing in all the world, can I tell you that this t-shirt is the style that gives me the chills the most? I don't know what it is, but it's making me sick just looking at it. Maybe I was molested once by a weird European guy in a threadbare scoopneck t-shirt and I have chosen to block it out of my memory. Or maybe it's just that scoopneck t-shirts look fucking disgusting. I dunno. I'll go with number two.


And finally, the piece de shit (ugh, sorry - that doesn't even count as a joke) is this whole look, but let's break it down piece by piece, shall we?
1) Unless you're a Dad or a golfer or a tennis pro, polo shirts are pretty lame. They look like you work at Subway or Wal-Mart and always smell like B.O. Buttoning them up does not save them; it makes them look much, much worse. Add to that the fact that they always look worn out, no matter the colour or how many times you wash/don't wash it.
2) Woven belts reminds me of dorky boys who get mushroom cuts till they're 12 and always have a teen-stache and love family trips with their parents and their whole closet consists of t-shirts from various American landmarks and all their friends are a good 5 years younger than them and they sit down to pee and they have never called their junk a wiener or dick but a penis-with-a-hard-P. I don't want to wear anything that this kid wears.
3) The pleated pants. In seafoam green. Norther Reflections has just contacted their lawyers.
All in all, I like to call this look 20-year-old Late in Life Lesbian. If I were to do a mood board for her, it would involve tons and tons of cat hair and a sports bra.

5 comments:

ilana said...

Mayor, I agree with you 99%. You are mistaken in the following ways:
1. That grid vest is awesome so shut your face.
2. I have a soft spot for braided belts (not the half-assed ones they have at sears that's just a regular belt with leather lacing wrapped around the edges to give a braided effect)
3. I'm pretty sure the mayor has a soft spot for guys whose closets consist solely of travel tshirts. yes?

Claudia Lawrence said...

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alex davey said...

I agree with 100% of what Claudia Lawrence has to say.

The Mayor said...

Oh, I love you spammers!!! Also Ilana, allow me to comment on your comment:
1. LIES
2. I agree. I wear a brown braided leather belt almost every day. I just hate the fabric ones.
3. Truth. There will be a post about that sometime next week.

Unitard McGunt said...

This made me laugh so hard my dog fell off the bed. I found your blog because I was Google Image searching "gunt". Good work.