6.29.2010

The Fancy Food Show (there's such a thing?)

Hey everyone! So as I was reading one of the 40 blogs I usually paw through on the daily (I know, I need a life rull bad) and I was directed to photographs from the 2010 Summer Fancy Food Show. I know, right? That's a thing! I am well-versed in the Candy Expo and Snackstock and Meatapalooza, but never have I heard of the Fancy Food Show. Here's what I took from it: their definition of 'fancy' is clearly very different from mine. I would consider Liz Taylor-scented lobster-stuffed-with-tacos on a bed of sheep's dreams to be the fanciest of the fancy (well, that and Fancy Feast, which served in a crystal dish is tremendously classy and fancy). So let's take a look at what they consider to the be pinnacle of Fancy Foods, shall we?
BACON SALT
What is it? Well, the name doesn't lie - it's bacon salt. So, bacony salt, I guess? It looks like something you'd sprinkle on corn.
Is it fancy? Not really. This looks like something you'd find on sale at Wal-Mart. Also, the fact that 2 of the 4 flavours are Original (artificial bacon flavour) and Natural (naturally flavoured with bacon), it's not exactly something you'd find Donald Trump shaking on foie gras.
Would I eat it? Yes with an S, but No with a but: I would eat this once. Maybe twice. But a staple of my dinnertime seasonings it would not be. Here's the thing about bacon: it has a lovely smokey, meaty, salty, cured flavoured to it that really difficult to reproduce into an artificial seasoning. Artificial bacon, to me anyways, always tastes like when Japan tries to re-create a typical western food: it's sort of the same, but just weird enough to make it unsettling.

TRUFFLE SHELLS
What is it? Get ready to be grossed out! It's a real eggshell filled with creamy truffle. And yes, I did say real eggshell. Because it's not like foil-wrapped eggs haven't been doing their job for the last 30 Easters...
Is it fancy? Not really, it's more like a weird indulgence. I mean, sure - they're very delicate and fragile (two common attributes to fancy things) and filled with fancy chocolate (the bread and butter of the fancy world of the borgeois). But I still can't get over the fact that it's chocolate in a real, gross, used-to-have-a-slimy-egg-in-it eggshell. It's like filling a hooker's panties with extra-rare beluga caviar; sure it's fancy, but it's still in something you normally find in the garbage.
Would I eat it? Allow me to tell you a quick story. When I was a kid, maybe 14, I thought it would be really cool to melt down chocolates and fill hollowed-out egg shells with the candy. I then put them in the fridge to solid up, and when I took them out I cracked off the shells to reveal perfectly-shaped chocolate eggs! Oh wait, no. I cracked off the shells to reveal a hunk of shitty chocolate covered in the thin membrane normally attached to the inside of the eggshell. Oh, and in one I found that weird umbilical cord that is sometimes still attached to the egg. So, to answer your question: no, no fucking way would I eat this shit.

ECLAT CHOCOLAT
What is it? It's a hunk of chocolate on a stick that you stir into a mug of hot milk.
Is it fancy? No. Do you remember when you could find chocolate-covered plastic spoons in every coffee shop and gift store in the mid-90s? I do, and I remembered even back then I was thinking to myself "who the hell doesn't have access to both chocolate and a spoon?" It's not fancy at all - it's the same as fancy hot chocolate mix. Ever since people started putting chili peppers into hot chocolate, the hot cocoa game has been upped. If you want to fancy up cocoa, you need to reach a little higher than chocolate-clump-on-a-stick.
Would I eat it? Of course I would eat this, but the key word here is eat. I do not have the patience for boiling milk, stirring the stick, waiting for it to cool off, etc etc. I would eat it like corn on the cob.

RAW GREEN BUSH TEA (snicker)
What is it? Fancy-pants green tea. Which brings me to my next point...
Is it fancy? Oohlala, it looks like it! Tea automatically gets the Fancy Pass when it comes loose in a tin and not just a crappy box in crappy bags. Also the flavours are fairly fancy: Orange Red Carrot and Black Currant Cardamon are quite chi chi. I feel like Mango Chili has been done, but I won't turn my nose up at it. But Plantain Coconut? That's a little too Celestial Seasonings for me.
Would I eat it? Oh, for sure! I'm a big tea drinker and such a mark for expensive teas. I once paid $20 for a small bag (because I'm a rube and the salesperson saw me coming). So I would pass on the plain green option, but the other four I could see myself serving to friends (well...maybe not that carrot one).

MACKIE'S OF SCOTLAND HAGGIS AND CRACKED BLACK PEPPER POTATO CRISPS
What is it? Potato chips flavoured like pepper and lamb with secret hobo spices.
Is it fancy? Nope. Wacky potato chips are about as fancy as a fart in the dark. I mean, you can actually get generic potato chips in weird and interesting flavours for like, $1.99 a bag. Plus, the chip market is so hyper-saturated that you need something really crazy and out there, like chocolate-dipped potato chips, to stand out (ps - those exist).
Would I eat it? Sure, but I wouldn't pay more than $2 for a bag. I mean, let's face it - there's no greater flavour than All Dressed, so why bother?

THIS DOESN'T REALLY HAVE A NAME
What is it? It's just super raw honeycomb.
Is it fancy? I will say yes, because it is fiddly and difficult to use and there is a much simpler version of honey out there that comes in a bottle shaped like a bear. Plus, you probably can't buy this at the grocery store - this looks like some farmer's market shit.
Would I eat it? Yes and No. Yes, because I love honey, love mixing honey into salted butter and spreading on toast, love putting honey on yogurt and corn flakes and into tea. And No, because have you ever actually eaten honeycomb before? Honeycomb is 25% wax, which means that your teefs will be full of wax and your toast will be covered in wax and your tea will have wax floating on the top, etc etc forever and ever amen.

LEGRAND PESTO
What is it? It's pesto in an airtight bag. This is apparently good because air spoils pesto? I guess?
Is it fancy? Pesto is sort of fancy. Well, it's one of those mainstream fancy things, like spinach and artichoke dip, or dark chocolate.
Would I eat it? No, because pesto is GROSS.

479 POPCORN
What is it? Fancy seasoned popcorns!
Is it fancy? Can't you read? Of course it is! I think that popcorn is the new fancy snack. Kettle chips were pretty big about 10-15 years ago, and now that people have latched onto Kettlecorn like remoras on a shark, popcorn might just get its due. The flavours sound really good: Madras Coconut Curry and Cashews, Ginger Sesame Caramel, Vietnamese Cinnamon Sugar, Alderwood Smoked Sea Salt (I feel fancy just typing those!)
Would I eat it? Yes, for sure. Also I would want to buy and try all 4 flavours (good job, 479 Popcorn). But really, why has no one done cinnamon sugar popcorn before? It seems like such a no-brainer!

THIS ONE, LIKE THE HONEYCOMB, ALSO DOESN'T HAVE A KICKY NAME
What is it? It's a natural Himalayan salt plate that imparts a light salty flavour to foods served on it. They recommend cheeses and meats.
Is it fancy? Hells yes. I wouldn't be surprised if these salt plates sold for $200 each.
Would I eat it? You'd think the better question would be Would you eat off of it, but no - I would eat these. I think I'm part horse, because I love licking salty things (no need for a That's What She Said joke, people). My mother used to have this Christmas decoration of a salt dough Santa Claus that I used to take off the tree and lick the feet of. Then my aunt gave me a salt dough clown for my room and I used to take it off the wall and lick his back. Later I received a salt lamp that I was told had healing properties, but I used to just sit on the couch licking it. So yeah, I would buy this thing, but I would just end up eating it. Not a good investment.

2 comments:

alex davey said...

oh man i totally lick salted those clowns

Albert said...

I'd eat that caviar, especially because it's in a hooker's panties. That makes it more decadent to me. Like in Robocop when the guy does cocaine off the prostitute's cleavage. Sure he dies shortly afterwards but I could think of worse ways to go.