6.09.2010

Is it too soon to nominate her as 2020's Corey Haim?


Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. I've followed Lindsay's downspiral for over 3 years now, and I really do wish her the best with her recovery. God, grant her the serenity toBAHHAHAHAHAHAHA I can't do it!! I can't! She's just too fucked up! Like honestly, in the beginning I was seriously rooting for her; how could she not have avoided a cocaine problem? I mean, her whole life is a recipe for disaster:

How to Make a Failing Actress
- 1 fame-hungry New Jersey mother
- 1 fame-hungry alcoholic father
Mix together and immediately pimp offspring to a talent agency. Age several years in the spotlight and be sure to mix in plenty of over-the-top back-patting and shallow compliments to ensure maximum narcissism. Once aged to about 15-16 years, add the following:
- 1 hit movie
- 1 dozen members of an entourage who's sole purpose is to aggressively inflate her ego
- Several heaping pay cheques (be sure to avoid agent's advice that you should invest the money in a college fund).
Note: Be sure NOT to include any accountability or rules, otherwise you might end up with a Dakota Fanning.
Once the actress is full self-centered, rapidly add the following:
- 1 40 oz. bottle of vodka every 2 hours
- 2 cocaine dealers (make sure to borrow against the other when cash isn't readily available)
- 1 fame-hungry mother who makes terrible management decisions
- 1 fame-hungry father who went to prison and found Jesus
- Several rehab centers that work on the "sign yourself out when you think you're sober" policy
- add GET FUCKED UP to taste

Seriously. Know what's BEYOND to me? The judge ordered she wear that SCRAM anklet (and I will not Google what SCRAM stands for because I love calling it a SCRAM. I imagine it was put on her ankle by a crusty old man. Scram, whydontchaz!) Anyways, bitch has this anklet on for 1 week and she's already set it the fuck off. UM, WHAT?!?!?! This is some Leaving Las Vegas shit! Remember how Nicholas Cage can't go 30 minutes with Mommy Juice or he'll get the shake-ums? Holy shit, that's Lindsay Lohan (I won't even get into the ending of Leaving Las Vegas where SPOILER ALERT! Nicolas Cage drinks himself to death because, well, that's just too morbid).

So really - what the hell do you do with someone like this? Her parents are in total denial that she's a fucking drug addict and an alcoholic (well, her mother at least. Michael Lohan seems to be genuinely worried while the TMZ cameras are rolling). She has no friends. Her drug dealers have turned on her. Hell, she's working on a biopic of Linda Lovelace right now that is rumoured to be nothing more that 120 minutes of soft-core porn with a couple of beat-downs thrown in for continuity's sake. Does anybody else see Lindsay Lohan as a sort-of Dana Plato/Corey Haim hybrid? Cause I do, and it's sort of like watching a really low-budget circus sideshow, except that her trick is being a mess. And know what the worst part is? That when she dies, and she will die from drugs/booze/pills/wrapping her car around a tree, her People magazine cover will look like this:

I hate that! They always make it seem so tragic and shocking like "wait, what?!? Not (insert D List celebrity drug-addict here)! I was laboring under the delusion that they were going to live a long, sober life! Why, God, why would you take such a productive member of society away from us! They had so much more to give!" Obviously we should know who's at fault here:

Doye, you and me.

If we just stopped watching E! and Access Hollywood and reading US Weekly and InTouch and Perez Hilton, and stopped reading their Twitter feed (I'm sorry, I refuse to use the word 'Tweet') and STOPPED CARING ABOUT THEM, Lindsay would go away. So would Heidi Montag. So would Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian and every other famous-for-nothing celebrity. Know what the worst part is? I honestly would not get star struck if I saw a Kardashian (I really could give a shit) and yet I still buy US Weekly. What is wrong with me?!? I try to convince myself I buy it for the lame fashion advice, but really - I don't dress like anyone in US Weekly. Ugh, anyways, when Lindsay Lohan finally implodes, I'll be there with bells on, but only because I can't quit Means Girls Lindsay Lohan. Crap.

In other news, I promise a much better post that this one in the near future. I know, I have failed you as a parent (like Dina Lohan. OMG FULL CIRCLE!!!)

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