7.28.2010

What ever happened to?...Breaker High edition!

Breaker High! My god, how long has it been since the last time I jumped on my parent's couch with a massive mug of Diet Coke and watched the dumbest show about high school students on a cruise ship? Well...actually, not that long ago (something I am not proud of). Ooh, know what was even better? When YTV had that Breaker High/Student Bodies power hour; holy shit, do you REMEMBER Student Bodies (Stuuudent Bawd-ayyyyys)? Well, you'll have to reminisce later because today is all about Breaker High, but specifically what the hell happened to the kids from Breaker High? Obviously we know that one of them went on to become ULTRA A-LIST FAMOUS (but more on him later) but the rest kind of dissipated into obscurity. Anyways, here is a quick primer in the event you grew up without a TV and have no idea what Breaker High was all about:

Teenagers going to High School on a cruise ship.

Yep! That's about it! Nothing else, really. Just a bunch of dumb storylines and crappy non-sequitors and shitty teenage romances. Also it had one of the best opening sequences EVER PUT TO FILM:



Just when you get that stupid theme song out of your head, I've brought it back! Try all you want to muffle the screams of NA-NA-NANANA-HEY-HEY! CARRY ME AWAY!! but it's not going to do any good. That song drills itself into your brain like an earwig. Also, remember how in the late 90s everything was super shiny and metallic and spandex and MILLENNIUM and space and futuristic? Holy shit, what did we think was going to happen on January 1st, 2000? We were all of a sudden going to throw out our jeans and t-shirts and start wearing that V-front silver jumpsuit of the future? Oh my god. Anyways, let's take a look at who's been nominated for two back-to-back Emmy awards, who was in Snakes on a Plane, and who has strongly considered giving BJs for a hot meal. Let's go! Carry me away!!!


Alex Garcia (Kyle Alisharan)
Oh my god, remember Alex? He was one of the two hotties on the boat (which begs the question: just how many students were on this boat?). Anyways, Alex's character was just about as one-dimensional as you can get: he was a jock, he was Latino, and if one trait was mentioned in an episode, you know that the other wasn't far behind. Anyways, the actor who played him, Kyle Alisharan, doesn't seem to have done much lately. He was in two episodes of Dark Angel (credited only as Operative), 1 episode of Mysterious Ways (I know, I've never heard of it either), and, this may be the best, played an airport worker in SNAKES ON A PLANE.

"I got to get my motherfucking agent to get me some motherfucking work!"

Ashley Dupree (Terri Conn)
Ashley was my favourite character because she was the only one that seemed believable. When you think of what kind of kids would spend a year in high school traveling around the world on a luxury cruise ship, who do you think of? Exactly: rich spoiled Americans. Ashley was a bitchy millionaire's kid who pranced around the ship like her shit fails to stink and, guess what, I loved it! How could you not enroll your kid on a private cruise ship school and NOT expect them to have a massive snobby attitude? Although I did hate the stupid Col. Sanders accent she had; she sounded like a redneck minstrel show (see also: Paula Deen). Now on to the actress who played her, Terri Conn (now Terri Colombino). She has actually had a decent career! After Breaker High, Terri got a few small roles on ABC/TGIF shows (Brotherly Love, Step By Step, 7th Heaven) and then transitioned to the world of soap operas with a spot on As The World Turns where she been in 669 episodes.

Um, what?!?! Do you understand that she has worked, steady, for 12 years? That's insane for an actress. She's essentially Susan Lucci. Also, she's been nominated for two Daytime Emmy awards. I mean, it's not a real Emmy, but it's pretty damn close. Good for her!


Cassidy Cartwright (Wendi Kenya)
UGH. I hated Cassidy so bad; she was supposed to be a tomboy, but also kind of a slut, but also fashiony? Nothing made sense. She was like 1/3 Jenny McCarthy, 1/3 Carmen Electra, 1/3 OBNOXIOUS. Also her character was saying the dumbest shit; um, correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you sort of need good grades to go to a prestigious high school on a boat? I can imagine there is a very long waiting list for that sort of thing, and they probably don't let just any moron bubble-head skank come aboard. Also Cassidy was in love with Max and they were always playing up this can't-be-tamed relationship, but they never got into DeGrassi High territory, so no one ever really mentioned sex or anything. It was the most pointless relationship on the show. Cassidy IRL (Wendi Kenya) is much more boring and sad. Post Breaker High, Wendi went on to play Cassidy 2.0 on Malibu CA. Yes, that Malibu CA: the one that was created by Peter Engel (who's list of TV shows should be a What ever happened to? in their own right). But, once that was canceled, it looks like she's struggled to find decent work. 1 episode of 7th Heaven? The part of "Hey Girl" in a movie no one saw called Single and Dealing With It. And, the saddest of all...the part of "Sexy Towel Girl" in a direct to DVD movie called Winter Break. Oh dear. Oh, also she hasn't aged well either :(


It looks like someone's been spending too much of her residuals cheques on plastic surgery. Slow down, homegirl! You're starting to look like The Joker!

Jimmy Farrell (Tyler Labine)
I sort of had a bit of a crush on Jimmy because I knew that a) I didn't have a chance with Max or Alex because their self-esteem is too high and b) Jimmy was actually sort of funny. Although Jimmy did have a case of Adult High School Student disease wherein he never looked a day under 30 (not good when you're supposed to be playing 16). Anyways, Tyler Labine will never be at a loss of work because he has that down-home American, hick farmer redneck, Paul Blart Mall Cop-ishness to him that the Midwest loves (even though he is from Toronto and not American in the least).
But he's a likeable guy, pretty funny, decent looking, good timing, etc etc but above all, he seems to have a great agent. I felt like I had to scroll forever through his past work to find Breaker High, and even then it was like "Holy shit, he was on that show? And that one! And that movie! Dayum". Here is a short little list of some of the stuff he's done since BH:
Get Carter, Dark Angel, My Boss's Daughter, Boston Legal, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Reaper, and that kind-of terrible but not horrible Malcolm in the Middle rip-off Sons of Tuscon. Oh! And in 2005 he played John Belushi in the made for TV movie Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Mork & Mindy which sounds AMAZING. I need to find that on DVD.

Max Ballard (Scott Vickaryous)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHH!! Did anyone believe that Max was actually that bad-ass?? I love when TV producers are like "make him brooding, make him dangerous" and they give him a leather jacket and tell him to sneer at everything. You know what would have made him really dangerous? Making him a weed dealer with undiagnosed mental illness. Anyways, Scott Vickaryous (Vicky-arrie-uss? Vicko-rarry-uss? CHANGE YOUR NAME) acted a lot in the early 2000s with bit parts in Boston Public and Get Real, but hasn't had a decent job since 2007. Well, if you count the lead role in a movie called TV Face a decent job (I wouldn't). And can we look at his current head shot for a second?


Oh my god, dude. Take it easy with the Patrick Bateman eyes. I wanted to see if we could find him on Facebook, and this (I swear to god) is what I found:

Yep. Two listings. The first is probably a fake account, in which case - who the fuck would make a fake account for an obscure Canadian television actor? But let's pretend for a second it isn't a fake account; imagine if he used a picture from Breaker High as his profile picture?!?!?! Now take a look at the Scott Vickaryous fb page: TWO FANS!!!! I know cats on Facebook with more fans than this guy.

Denise Williams (Persia White)
The character of Denise was irritating at best; every single episode was her freaking out over her grades, tests, exams, papers, etc etc WE GET IT, YOU HAVE CONTROLLING PARENTS. She also didn't care about boys or parties and was a super wet blanket. I'm starting to think that before Breaker High was canceled, they were about to reveal that Denise was actually an undercover cop or a journalist masquerading as a student to try to get a good story. The only stories she got were transcripts from bugging the student's cabins that went a little something like this:
"Um, did anyone else see Denise's stomach in the shower today? She has tons of stretch marks and a c-section scar. Also I saw her driver's license and the birthdate was scratched out and on top of it, written in pen, it said TEENAGER. I'm starting to think she's actually like 40".
Anyways, on to post-BH work. Persia White got some very decent acting jobs because she's a very decent actress, but the best, THE BEST, role she has ever had was on the UPN show Girlfriends (pronounced Gurrrr-fraaaaanz). It was basically Living Single, but with more finger snaps and that disapproving pursed-lips/side-eye face (YOU KNOW THE LOOK). It was canceled in 2008, but she still seems to be getting work. Good for her! Downside: she's the owner of some very unfortunate tattoos:



Tamira Goldstein (Rachel Wilson)
WORST. CHARACTER. EVER.
But I guess playing the worst teenager on television does show range, and she has been steady with work ever since. But. Her last two acting credits are for Saw VII (what is that, 7? Shit, we need to stop with the Saw movies) and Republic of Doyle which is a Canadian show on the CBC that people only watch when there isn't golf or a Magic Bullet infomercial on to watch, so...there's that. Also her credit in Saw VII is for someone's Mother (it literally just says "Mother") which means I can totally guess every line she has in the movie:
"Oh my god, where is my son/daughter?"
"Why won't you tell me where my son/daughter is?!?"
"Oh my god, HE/SHE'S DEAD!!!(sobbing)"


Sean Hanlon (Ryan Gosling)
Last, but not least, we have Sean Hanlon, the love child of Vince Vaughan in Swingers and those Khaki Swing GAP commercials form the 90s.



Anyways, do I really need to re-cap what Sean Hanlon has been doing after Breaker High? Besides starring in my dreams almost every night for 8 years, he's done a shitload of amazing movies, been a cool guy, looked hot all the time, and dated Rachael McAdams, who's performance of Regina in Mean Girls will always make me love her and forget any crappy movies she chooses to do. I wish so hard they were still together, but I know that Ryan Gosling has possibly moved on to Michelle Williams (yes, that Michelle Williams) which is awesome to say the least.

SWOON. MARRY ME.

7.19.2010

Um, can I has?

I'd prefer a tattoo of the Old Timer's Breakfast, but that's just me.

7.14.2010

Breaking Bad Spin-offs

Ever since its premiere 2 years ago, I have been obsessed with Breaking Bad despite the fact I had never seen it. Based on what I had heard, it sounded right up my alley:
1. It was on AMC, the network that gave us Mad Men
2. It was about meth (awesome!)
3. It had Hal from Malcolm in the Middle (love!)
4. It tries to out-HBO HBO every episode (awesomer!)
5. It was set in New Mexico (I love the desert and Mexicans)
Anyways, due to the unfortunate circumstances surrounding my not having cable, paired with my computer being so old that I cannot download TV shows, along with a DVD rental store that doesn't enforce late-fines, I was stuck without. The closest I came to Breaking Bad was when Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul appeared on Joel McHale's The Soup. Well, thanks to a friend with several external hard drives, I have been able to watch every episode of Breaking Bad in succession, and let me tell you - it is everything I thought it would be. Every episode is amazing, the acting is terrific, the set design is gorgeous. Walt and Jesse are amazing, that goes without saying. In the pilot episode, I thought I might hate Hank, but it's exactly the opposite; Hank is completely enjoyable. I love Jesse's drug dealer friends (especially Badger) and felt sad when Combo was shot. Hell, I don't care that he essentially recycled his Mr. Show with Bob and David character back from the grave, because Bob Odenkirk's Saul Goodman is awesome. My only issue is this:

The 2nd and 3rd-tier characters are ANNOYING AT BEST.

Seriously. Every scene Skyler is in makes my stomach turn. She is THE. WORST. I remember watching the scene of her smoking while pregnant (remember how pitifully bad-ass she was trying to be?!?!?!) and that woman gives her such a disapproving look? I seriously wished that that woman was planning to leap through the window and beat her ass. And Marie - OH LORD, DON'T GET ME STARTED ON MARIE!!! My only guess as to why she is still on the show is that she is a) sleeping with every member on set and/or b) her father owns AMC. Anyways, I thought it would be fun to imagine what kind of crappy spin-offs might come from Breaking Bad:

Skyler would obviously be on some kind of stupid Lifetime shit about a single mom trying to raise both a baby and a disabled son (to which she would constantly remind everyone within ear-shot). Also, it would have a heavy Christian influence; she strikes me as that kind. Maybe it's because she's so judgmental and pious. Skyler's weekly battles would flip-flop between judging people's life choices and feeling sorry for herself, all while working in an art gallery that sells nothing but work by Thomas Kinkade. Oh, and I almost forgot - she'd sing stomach-turning renditions of Marilyn Monroe's Happy Birthday every chance she got (BARF).

I like to imagine that Marie, after being busted for shoplifting for the 40th time, would finally have what's coming to her: that's right, 10 hours community service and probation! Marie wouldn't serve any time in prison since her husband is one of the Feds, so she gets off easy. Part of her sentencing involves moving her from her cushy private doctor's office job to a (GASP) publicly-funded Hospital! Hilarity ensues in the form of Danitria, her parole officer (played by Sherri Shepherd) who's catchphrase "I ain't babysittin' no crazy white woman!" becomes a national catch-phrase. Danitria checks in ALL THE DAMN TIME (which makes no sense in real life, but plenty of sense in TV life) much to the chagrin of Head RN Chet (played with obvious desperation for acting work by Topher Grace). Also, just like in Breaking Bad, Marie wears purple all the time (what is she, a fucking Power Ranger?)

Walt Jr. is a bit of a love-hate problem for me. On the one hand, he's a great portrayal of Cerebral Palsy and a teenager. On the other, he really doesn't add anything to the show (except for that one time he bitched out Skyler for buying regular Raisin Bran instead of Raisin Bran Crunch. "It's not hard Mom, it says Crunch on the box"). But Walt Jr. isn't much more than just that character that pops into a scene to be like "Hi! Remember me? I'm one of the reasons why my parent's relationship is so strained!" Anyways, I like to imagine Walt Jr. in some kind of crappy Disney Channel/ABC Family show like Wizards of Waverly Place or iCarly or The Suite Life of Zach and Cody (I'm not proud that I was able to list that). After his parent's marriage breaks up, Walt. Jr. is sent to live with an Aunt we have never seen or heard of until now in Los Angeles. She's a teacher at an inner-city hip-hop school and she thinks Walt Jr. might do well with a change of scenery, but is scared that he might not fit in and that the other students might make fun of him. Little does she know that it's Walt Jr. who will ramp their world! See what I did there? It's called a pun. And yes, I know that we never see Walt Jr. in a wheelchair, but that's besides the point. Maybe he can be in a wheelchair in the show? Anyways, the show ends up being a heavy-handed attempt at lessons of tolerance, which fails once kids stop and think "what the fuck is a hip-hop school?"

I mentioned these spin-offs to a friend of mine, who also thought of some. Dare I say that some are better than mine (not Walt-chair Accessible, that shit is gold).

- "Marie'd Under the Law" : Marie's moved on after years of shoplifting, and has become the world's greatest thief. After moving to Washington D.C., Marie must keep her life as a super-criminal secret as she steals from those her husband has sworn to protect. [Thursday at 8pm on ABC]
- "8" : Krazy-8 is given a second chance after he repented his sins shortly before his murder by an unforgiving drug dealer. Now a ghost who can only be seen by children being pressured to try drugs, Krazy-8 is on a quest for redemption. Each child he turns away from meth and towards Jesus brings him one step closer to heaven. [Every single morning at 5:30am for the next 20 years on Christian Broadcast Network.]
- "Ted" : Leaving the rat-race behind, everyone's favorite womanizer and corporate mastermind Ted Beneke leaves New Mexico for the sunny shores of Vancouver. Are the women of Canada ready for Ted? [Ted is now played by veteran comedy actor Ted McGinley. On Global on a timeslot that will change each week until it's cancelled. Funded by the National Film Board]
- " 'Criminal' Lawyer" : After going underground in witness protection, Saul Goodman starts up a new practice in LA. Defending the worst sleaze California has to offer each week, Saul exploits the weaknesses of the American legal system to get the job done. [Sunday at 7pm on FOX. After winning numerous Emmys, will be pre-empted by football repeatedly until people forget the show ever existed.]

7.06.2010

Kiss Kiss Hug Hug Things I'm Into!

Okay, so I love getting hyper-into things (which would explain why I have been thinking about that fish condo NON STOP FOR REALS since yesterday) and I thought I might share some stuff I'm super into right now. I remember back a long long time ago I asked someone a question like "what are you really into right now" (I think it was Frasier Young, but I'm too not-into Googling that) and he made a cut-eye-comment about that being the kind question from a Tiger Beat magazine. Well! Who cares? It's fun to be all about stuff sometimes! It's summertime; if there's any time to get heavily involved with shit, it's now.

BREAKING BAD
Okay, I know I'm a little tardy to the Breaking Bad party, but it's not my fault! I don't have super-duper cable and my computer is an old 2002 iPad that has been dropped too many times, so I can't download TV shows. Plus, whenever I go to the Film Buff, it's always rented (Note: the Film Buff is a really cool movie rental in Toronto that isn't Queen Video: because that place has been crawling on all fours across the bridge to Lamesville, a la Stand By Me, for quite sometime now). NANNYWAYS, I started from the beginning and usually watch about 4 episodes in one sitting and now I'm in the middle of Season 2. Stray observations:
- I love Hank!!! I thought he'd be such a dickbaggy character in the beginning, but I am really loving him. Also it's so sad that it looks like Walt jr. looks up to him more than his own dad :(
- Skyler is SUCH. A. BITCH!!!!! I really hate her character and I hope she dies in childbirth. Spoiler for myself: I know she doesn't, but honestly, if any of the writers out there are reading this (they're not), can you please please please have her blow up in a meth essplosion?
- Am I the only one who finds Walter White hot? And not Bryan Cranston, either, because we always knew he was hot (Hello! Dr. Tim Whatley!!!) but I mean Walt. I think Walt is hot (especially when he shaves his head).

- Walt jr. actually has CP in real life - cool!
- My favourite secondary-character is definitely Jesse's friend Badger.

BURGER KING
Okay, for the longest time I was extremely loyal to McDonalds. I used to imagine being on death row and requesting 2 Big Macs (no onions) filled with poison. That would mean I would die by slowly falling asleep right after eating the most delicious burgers known to man. WELL! Can I tell you that I recently discovered The Whopper? I know. I can't believe I wasted so much time on that McDonalds shit. I also just found out that the Whopper only has 670 calories; I know, I'm sure there are plenty of you scoffing and turning up your nose going "670? EW. I hope you choke, you fat pig" but really, that's not terrible considering I usually eat a small yogurt for breakfast and toast for lunch. If anything, I'm losing weight (UNTRUE FOR LIFE). Anyways, Whoppers are really really out of control delicious and I totally understand how these guys feel:

I do not want to imagine the rising anger in my heart if I were to go to Burger King and they told me they don't sell the Whopper anymore. I honestly don't know what I'd do. Actually scratch that, I know exactly what I'd do: I'd ask for 2 cheeseburgers dressed like Whoppers. I"m sad :(

DRAWING
I know it's silly, but I've recently got back into drawing again. A few friends and myself (shoutout to Ben, Albert, and Steph aka Grandmaw's Kids PATENT PENDING) have started getting together to draw comics, and I have been training myself to use a Wacom tablet to draw portraits. For example, here's my personal idol Chloƫ Sevigny:

Here's Salt-n-Pepa:
And everyone's favourite bloaty drug addict, Lohan!
My sister says it looks more like Khloe Kardashianiahan. Either way, it's super unflattering. In other news, I'm running out of people to draw. I'm thinking that I might do Kesha (refuse to type that dollar sign), Busy and Amanda from Ready or Not, and maybe Rich from Fourfour (which means I also should do Tyra). Oh! And I've been drawing perfume bottles. Look out, Britney Spears's Curious, you're next!

REVLON BLACK CHERRY LIPSTICK


I used to use Clinique Black Honey all the time till death do us part, but lately I wanted something a little less balm a little more standouttish. I feel like Summer is lipgloss overload; everyone and their mom puts away dark, thick lipsticks in favour of balm and gloss. Why?!? Summer is the time to gonuts for donuts on lipstick! I have three that are in my regular rotation: a very thick, bright electric pink gloss (that I accidentally threw in the trash and had to fish out - not good), a VERY BRIGHT purple-pink colour (I think people have been calling it thistle), but this super dark, black-purple is my favourite. And people! Stop saying it's So 90s: in the 90s, you either wore black (cause you were goth 4 lyfe) or matte brown (that you had to sneak out of the house and put on on the bus, like some of us). People weren't that hot for dark purple lips, k? Not 90s.

REPLACING THE WORD GIRL WITH SQUIRREL IN SONGS

Seriously, try it! It makes Katy Perry's California Gurls much more tolerable. If you think you're up to it, you can also make up squirrel-specific lyrics:
California squirrels/we're furry animals
Tiny paws/with nuts in our mouths

Now, I can't say this is something I just got into; my best friend and I have been replacing girl with squirrel for years, but for some reason the summer is a great time to make up goofy songs and stupid jokes. Drop down and getcha eagle on, squirrel!

PRESIDENT'S CHOICE BLUE MENU SELTZER

Oh my god, I could drink 8 bottles a day of this stuff. It's just water and carbonation and a tiny bit of natural flavour. This picture is of a bottle of cucumber flavour, but I have never seen that at my grocery store. I prefer lime, hands down, but I also like the pomegranate-blueberry one. Seriously, it's JUST WATER! I have no idea why I'm addicted. The flavour is so mild that you can barely taste it, and it's so good on a hot day (which brings me to my next point....

COLD SHOWERS

Okay, first things first, I need to stress that I am about to complain about the heat (like anyone isn't, doye) but that my American readers need to understand something about the weather in Canada. "Hot" for you is about 100 degrees, right? Oh shit, this is going to get confusing because I need to make it so my Canadian readers also understand the temperature...okay, let's try this:
100 degrees F for you is very hot. 100 degrees F for us is a little less than 40 degrees C, which is also fucking hot. Duh! Even though the units of measure are different, the temp is still the same. Now on to my point: "cold" for you is about 50 degrees F, which for us is only 10 degrees C and...sadly, not terribly cold. It's not warm, either, but it's sweater weather. Now compare that to our average winter temperature: -20 degrees C. That's -4 degrees F. That's like Hoth to you people. So imagine Canadians, who aren't terribly bothered by freezing, death-cold, carve-out-a-Tauntaun-and-hide-inside weather and then throw the same hot weather at us. Exactly, we have trouble adapting. Anyways, I don't have air conditioning in my apartment so it gets a little hot (and by a little, I mean like it feels like I have the oven on all the time) and I have needed to come up with creative solutions to help me sleep. Here is what I do:
1. First things first, move as if you're in slow-mo; you're in your own home, you have no where to go. Moving fast and doing things will only have you working up a sweat.
2. Run a bath and let it sit. You want it to be room-temperature.
3. While you're waiting, find a book or a magazine you'd like to read! Right now I'm reading Ruby by VC Andrews (it's SUPER TORRID)
4. Settle into your bath with your book, a bottle of seltzer, hell - turn on the tv, and stay there for about 1/2 hour (or longer) till your body temperature drops.
5. Get out, and only partially dry off - you want to have a cool mist on you.
6. Sloooooooowly walk to your bed
7. Lie on your bed and turn on a fan, full-blast, and angle it on your body.
8. Relax and close your eyes. Don't think about the heat. Let your mind wander off. Soon you'll be asleep!

ORANGE HAIR

When I got back from Florida I decided to try to strip my own hair. Not really a great idea, but it's just hair, so who cares? It didn't go brown like I thought, but lightened up to a blondie-orange colour. Kind of like Shelley Long in Troop Beverly Hills (aka THE BEST IN THE WEST IN THE EVER!!!)

Okay, my hair isn't nearly as good - it's straight (wamp wamp) and I have dark roots coming in. Oh, and I found out that I also have a buttload of greys in the back. So my hair is orange-blonde on the bottom and grey-brown on the top (best mix ever?) Anyways, I luv it, so not changing for a while! My roots are only about 3" long, so I can't wait for my hair to be half-and-half (DREAMY!)

PJ SOLESSeriously, how fucking amazing was PJ Soles?!?! She got to kiss Bill Murray AND sing with The Ramones AND was her own stunt-double in Carrie AND was also in Halloween AND was super cool forever! I really wish I could be her, but I look super bad in hats.

THIS CAT
Um, hello? Best ever? Want to snuggle for life!!!

7.05.2010

This is what its come to:

Yep, that's a Fish Condo. It's $31.50 at the Umbra store. I almost bought it today, but then the tiny green alien that only I can see or hear slapped me and told me not to spend my money on such garbage. But here's the thing; I regularly think about my fish as if it were a cat or a dog. Here are some examples:

1. When my first fish Gil passed, I was so distraught that I replaced him with a similar looking girl fish and named her Gilly.
2. When I went to Florida for a week, I left Gilly with a friend. I was very nervous in doing so and actually considered bringing her with me a la What About Bob? in a mason jar strung around my neck.
3. I have tested out 3 different fish foods and found the one she likes best.
4. I buy her "treats" (dehydrated brine shrimps).
5. She has a dark spot on her head that keeps getting larger and I am very concerned it is cancer.
6. I have Googled the sentance "How to diagnose/treat cancer in fish"
7. I cut down the fake plastic fern in her bowl because I could tell she wasn't enjoying how large it was.
8. I'm concerned she's putting on too much weight.
9. I want to get another fish so she doesn't get lonely.
10. I CONSIDERED BUYING HER A FISH CONDO

That last one stung me real hard to type. Ugh. I am one of "those people". But seriously, can fish get cancer? I don't want to bury another fish! (This is some Erin Brockovitch shit!)