7.28.2010

What ever happened to?...Breaker High edition!

Breaker High! My god, how long has it been since the last time I jumped on my parent's couch with a massive mug of Diet Coke and watched the dumbest show about high school students on a cruise ship? Well...actually, not that long ago (something I am not proud of). Ooh, know what was even better? When YTV had that Breaker High/Student Bodies power hour; holy shit, do you REMEMBER Student Bodies (Stuuudent Bawd-ayyyyys)? Well, you'll have to reminisce later because today is all about Breaker High, but specifically what the hell happened to the kids from Breaker High? Obviously we know that one of them went on to become ULTRA A-LIST FAMOUS (but more on him later) but the rest kind of dissipated into obscurity. Anyways, here is a quick primer in the event you grew up without a TV and have no idea what Breaker High was all about:

Teenagers going to High School on a cruise ship.

Yep! That's about it! Nothing else, really. Just a bunch of dumb storylines and crappy non-sequitors and shitty teenage romances. Also it had one of the best opening sequences EVER PUT TO FILM:



Just when you get that stupid theme song out of your head, I've brought it back! Try all you want to muffle the screams of NA-NA-NANANA-HEY-HEY! CARRY ME AWAY!! but it's not going to do any good. That song drills itself into your brain like an earwig. Also, remember how in the late 90s everything was super shiny and metallic and spandex and MILLENNIUM and space and futuristic? Holy shit, what did we think was going to happen on January 1st, 2000? We were all of a sudden going to throw out our jeans and t-shirts and start wearing that V-front silver jumpsuit of the future? Oh my god. Anyways, let's take a look at who's been nominated for two back-to-back Emmy awards, who was in Snakes on a Plane, and who has strongly considered giving BJs for a hot meal. Let's go! Carry me away!!!


Alex Garcia (Kyle Alisharan)
Oh my god, remember Alex? He was one of the two hotties on the boat (which begs the question: just how many students were on this boat?). Anyways, Alex's character was just about as one-dimensional as you can get: he was a jock, he was Latino, and if one trait was mentioned in an episode, you know that the other wasn't far behind. Anyways, the actor who played him, Kyle Alisharan, doesn't seem to have done much lately. He was in two episodes of Dark Angel (credited only as Operative), 1 episode of Mysterious Ways (I know, I've never heard of it either), and, this may be the best, played an airport worker in SNAKES ON A PLANE.

"I got to get my motherfucking agent to get me some motherfucking work!"

Ashley Dupree (Terri Conn)
Ashley was my favourite character because she was the only one that seemed believable. When you think of what kind of kids would spend a year in high school traveling around the world on a luxury cruise ship, who do you think of? Exactly: rich spoiled Americans. Ashley was a bitchy millionaire's kid who pranced around the ship like her shit fails to stink and, guess what, I loved it! How could you not enroll your kid on a private cruise ship school and NOT expect them to have a massive snobby attitude? Although I did hate the stupid Col. Sanders accent she had; she sounded like a redneck minstrel show (see also: Paula Deen). Now on to the actress who played her, Terri Conn (now Terri Colombino). She has actually had a decent career! After Breaker High, Terri got a few small roles on ABC/TGIF shows (Brotherly Love, Step By Step, 7th Heaven) and then transitioned to the world of soap operas with a spot on As The World Turns where she been in 669 episodes.

Um, what?!?! Do you understand that she has worked, steady, for 12 years? That's insane for an actress. She's essentially Susan Lucci. Also, she's been nominated for two Daytime Emmy awards. I mean, it's not a real Emmy, but it's pretty damn close. Good for her!


Cassidy Cartwright (Wendi Kenya)
UGH. I hated Cassidy so bad; she was supposed to be a tomboy, but also kind of a slut, but also fashiony? Nothing made sense. She was like 1/3 Jenny McCarthy, 1/3 Carmen Electra, 1/3 OBNOXIOUS. Also her character was saying the dumbest shit; um, correct me if I'm wrong, but don't you sort of need good grades to go to a prestigious high school on a boat? I can imagine there is a very long waiting list for that sort of thing, and they probably don't let just any moron bubble-head skank come aboard. Also Cassidy was in love with Max and they were always playing up this can't-be-tamed relationship, but they never got into DeGrassi High territory, so no one ever really mentioned sex or anything. It was the most pointless relationship on the show. Cassidy IRL (Wendi Kenya) is much more boring and sad. Post Breaker High, Wendi went on to play Cassidy 2.0 on Malibu CA. Yes, that Malibu CA: the one that was created by Peter Engel (who's list of TV shows should be a What ever happened to? in their own right). But, once that was canceled, it looks like she's struggled to find decent work. 1 episode of 7th Heaven? The part of "Hey Girl" in a movie no one saw called Single and Dealing With It. And, the saddest of all...the part of "Sexy Towel Girl" in a direct to DVD movie called Winter Break. Oh dear. Oh, also she hasn't aged well either :(


It looks like someone's been spending too much of her residuals cheques on plastic surgery. Slow down, homegirl! You're starting to look like The Joker!

Jimmy Farrell (Tyler Labine)
I sort of had a bit of a crush on Jimmy because I knew that a) I didn't have a chance with Max or Alex because their self-esteem is too high and b) Jimmy was actually sort of funny. Although Jimmy did have a case of Adult High School Student disease wherein he never looked a day under 30 (not good when you're supposed to be playing 16). Anyways, Tyler Labine will never be at a loss of work because he has that down-home American, hick farmer redneck, Paul Blart Mall Cop-ishness to him that the Midwest loves (even though he is from Toronto and not American in the least).
But he's a likeable guy, pretty funny, decent looking, good timing, etc etc but above all, he seems to have a great agent. I felt like I had to scroll forever through his past work to find Breaker High, and even then it was like "Holy shit, he was on that show? And that one! And that movie! Dayum". Here is a short little list of some of the stuff he's done since BH:
Get Carter, Dark Angel, My Boss's Daughter, Boston Legal, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Reaper, and that kind-of terrible but not horrible Malcolm in the Middle rip-off Sons of Tuscon. Oh! And in 2005 he played John Belushi in the made for TV movie Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Mork & Mindy which sounds AMAZING. I need to find that on DVD.

Max Ballard (Scott Vickaryous)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHH!! Did anyone believe that Max was actually that bad-ass?? I love when TV producers are like "make him brooding, make him dangerous" and they give him a leather jacket and tell him to sneer at everything. You know what would have made him really dangerous? Making him a weed dealer with undiagnosed mental illness. Anyways, Scott Vickaryous (Vicky-arrie-uss? Vicko-rarry-uss? CHANGE YOUR NAME) acted a lot in the early 2000s with bit parts in Boston Public and Get Real, but hasn't had a decent job since 2007. Well, if you count the lead role in a movie called TV Face a decent job (I wouldn't). And can we look at his current head shot for a second?


Oh my god, dude. Take it easy with the Patrick Bateman eyes. I wanted to see if we could find him on Facebook, and this (I swear to god) is what I found:

Yep. Two listings. The first is probably a fake account, in which case - who the fuck would make a fake account for an obscure Canadian television actor? But let's pretend for a second it isn't a fake account; imagine if he used a picture from Breaker High as his profile picture?!?!?! Now take a look at the Scott Vickaryous fb page: TWO FANS!!!! I know cats on Facebook with more fans than this guy.

Denise Williams (Persia White)
The character of Denise was irritating at best; every single episode was her freaking out over her grades, tests, exams, papers, etc etc WE GET IT, YOU HAVE CONTROLLING PARENTS. She also didn't care about boys or parties and was a super wet blanket. I'm starting to think that before Breaker High was canceled, they were about to reveal that Denise was actually an undercover cop or a journalist masquerading as a student to try to get a good story. The only stories she got were transcripts from bugging the student's cabins that went a little something like this:
"Um, did anyone else see Denise's stomach in the shower today? She has tons of stretch marks and a c-section scar. Also I saw her driver's license and the birthdate was scratched out and on top of it, written in pen, it said TEENAGER. I'm starting to think she's actually like 40".
Anyways, on to post-BH work. Persia White got some very decent acting jobs because she's a very decent actress, but the best, THE BEST, role she has ever had was on the UPN show Girlfriends (pronounced Gurrrr-fraaaaanz). It was basically Living Single, but with more finger snaps and that disapproving pursed-lips/side-eye face (YOU KNOW THE LOOK). It was canceled in 2008, but she still seems to be getting work. Good for her! Downside: she's the owner of some very unfortunate tattoos:



Tamira Goldstein (Rachel Wilson)
WORST. CHARACTER. EVER.
But I guess playing the worst teenager on television does show range, and she has been steady with work ever since. But. Her last two acting credits are for Saw VII (what is that, 7? Shit, we need to stop with the Saw movies) and Republic of Doyle which is a Canadian show on the CBC that people only watch when there isn't golf or a Magic Bullet infomercial on to watch, so...there's that. Also her credit in Saw VII is for someone's Mother (it literally just says "Mother") which means I can totally guess every line she has in the movie:
"Oh my god, where is my son/daughter?"
"Why won't you tell me where my son/daughter is?!?"
"Oh my god, HE/SHE'S DEAD!!!(sobbing)"


Sean Hanlon (Ryan Gosling)
Last, but not least, we have Sean Hanlon, the love child of Vince Vaughan in Swingers and those Khaki Swing GAP commercials form the 90s.



Anyways, do I really need to re-cap what Sean Hanlon has been doing after Breaker High? Besides starring in my dreams almost every night for 8 years, he's done a shitload of amazing movies, been a cool guy, looked hot all the time, and dated Rachael McAdams, who's performance of Regina in Mean Girls will always make me love her and forget any crappy movies she chooses to do. I wish so hard they were still together, but I know that Ryan Gosling has possibly moved on to Michelle Williams (yes, that Michelle Williams) which is awesome to say the least.

SWOON. MARRY ME.

15 comments:

carmel dias said...

AMAZING! loved it.
good time.

Do you remember Ross Hull from Are You Afraid of the Dark?, ready or not (acne/bad hair) and Student bodies well now he's a weather man.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wLG0sgGiak

Ansley said...

Yeah yeah, Carmel, I've totally seen that guy on the weather network!!! I was SURE I knew him from somewhere...apparently i knew him from multiple chapters of my childhood television upbringing.

Albert said...

My sister used to watch Girlfriends because she wanted to be black.

Student Bodies was so good for reasons I'll never know.

Tony said...

1/3 Jenny McCarthy + 1/3 Carmen Electra + 1/3 OBNOXIOUS = 100% obnoxious (but 1/3 of her is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of children.)

Deanna Destroi said...

Oh my God, this made my entire day. I used to watch that YTV power hour every single day. PLEASE do a post on Student Bodies. Please?

Also, Ryan Gosling is my husband, though I hated him passionately on Breaker High.

Ky said...

Holy crap, googling "Breaker High" on a Friday night while working on my dissertation was the best idea I've ever had. This post was brilliant.
And I, too, had a crush on Jimmy, for all the same reasons, but with the added one in that he was the one character likely to keep up with me in the eating of the foods department.
Thanks for the laugh.

Ky said...

Oh, and I also once threw a "What the Hey, Let's Soiree Soiree" just like Sean Hanlon did. It was superb.

Laura said...

Jason hull was also on eric's world!

Laura said...

Oops sorry ROSS hull was on Eric's world lol

ki said...

Wendi Kenya is a realtor now! Just google her.

Anonymous said...

I always had a crush on that Rachel wilson girl. She played a whack character but I wanted to marry her and make her happy so she wasn't so crazy (I was 10 when the show aired).

Teddymac said...

Look at terri conn's nose. Nose Job and botox.

Anonymous said...

It's Alex PINEDA

Anonymous said...

Also breaker high is showing on Much music Now!! Makes me sooo happy that I can relive my childhood on a daily basis!!

jlen said...

Max is still hot...despite the fact I hear he is a waiter in Vancouver. Aww