9.02.2010

Cathy Friday (well, Thursday)

Hi! Welcome back to Cathy Fridays, where I take down everyone's favourite lovable loser, Cathy! It's but a mere month away before Cathy retires to the old, broken filing cabinet in Office Heaven, so I'm truly enjoying the final Cathys. Now, imagine for a second that you're a successful Funny Pages comic artist. Okay, now pretend you're not Charles Schulz (zing!) Anyways, pretend you wrote a successful, albeit tremendously obnoxious and unfunny, comic strip that you now plan to retire. You have legions of fans and dozens of awards. Your creation is a staple of popular culture and has been lampooned for decades. How do you think you'd end such a series? In all likelihood, you'd tie up all loose ends, complete all story arcs with sensitivity to the reader/fan and to bring closure to the daily strip. Maybe even throw in some poignant strips to tug at even the most jaded of reader's heart strings.

Now pretend you're Cathy Guisewite, and you've decided to just shit on everything and end the cannon of Cathy with shit like this:

Click to make big.

Sweet jesus, is this really how Cathy wants to be remembered? Talk about lighting the house on fire and pissing on the ashes. Cathy only has a month left and Guisewite is just really not giving a shit; I'm predicting the next 20 or so strips will just be Cathy waxing poetic on the thread count of her bed sheets, her thoughts on the purchase of a new microwave, and "where the hell did the shampoo go? No seriously, did i not just buy this bottle like, last week?"

Okay, let's talk about this. In the first (and most confusing) block, Cathy wants chooses to eat a 100 calorie pack of cookies. She's hungry, doesn't want to something as filling as a burrito or Thanksgiving dinner, okay - I get it. But then the thought bubble has her thinking: "It shouldn't be wrong, but it seems wrong." Holy fuck, have you ever known someone with a more messed-up relationship with food? I know anorexics that would be sitting there going "100 calorie pack of Chips Ahoy? Sure, why not". Not Cathy! Cathy needs to labour over every single detail of her life, including food. I'm starting to wonder if Cathy was abused as a child, because she is showing some serious body image anxieties. Or maybe she's just a fucking lunatic (yep, that's it). Also fun to note: are you looking at that huge stack of work in her To Do pile? Jesus, Cathy, quit hemming and hawing over a pack of cookies and get to work! You just came back from a completely unnecessary vacation; you're going to get your ass fired. Okay, second panel: Cathy eats another pack of cookies and laments that it shouldn't be wrong, but feels totally wrong. Again, we've all been there. Have you ever tried to do that stupid 100 calorie snack thing? It's such a gimmick; no one really sticks to 1 pack. You don't feel so bad, because it's only 100 calories, so you usually eat two. No big deal. About 1 hour later you eat the remaining 6 packs in the box, throw the box in the recycling, vow to never buy them again and that's that. We all know this. So why is Cathy acting like Robert Langdon discovering all that Jesus-had-a-kid stuff in The DaVinci Code (I HAD TO GOOGLE THAT TO KNOW IT). Moving on. Third frame, Cathy eats 3 more packs of cookies, bringing her calorie count up to 500. Whoah, 500 calories just from a mid-afternoon snack? No wonder this broad was single for so long; I'm surprised she didn't make up 101 excuses why she needed to work (fat people LOVE working from home. It lets them be one with their sweatpants). Cathy now feels regret and remorse for her choices, knowing that 100 calorie packs are wrong. Wait, what? And in the fourth frame, Cathy looks stoned as hell as she sits at her desk thinking to herself: "Even more than sweets, we crave clarity". Cathy....or Confucius?

So...I still don't get it.

Funny: 0/5 - Well, I dunno - I guess it's funny to imagine Cathy's coworkers emailing back and forth like:

From: csmith@techco.com
To: dshane@techco.com, mtassman@techco.com, slapierre@techco.com, grich@techco.com
Subject: Cathy's binging again!!!
Message: Seriously guys, Cathy is FREAKING OUT over those cookies!!! I think she's going to eat them all. So much for portion control, you fucking fatass!!!

From: slapierre@techco.com
To: jregis@techco.com, vbellanger@techco.com
Subject: TLC's newest 1/2 hour freakshow
Message: Hey guys, just wondering if we should stock up on 100 cal. packs of cookies for Cathy's birthday. Someone's going to need to get a Costco membership and a flat-bed truck. I'll see if the Tech-Co Amex is clear for a $5000 purchase of cookies.

Depressing: 5/5 - Judging from that huge stack of unfinished work, Cathy is a terrible employee. In these tough economic times, she should be very careful not to slack, as she'll be one of the first ones gone. No job means no more cookies, Cathy.

Does this warrant a spot in the newspaper? Maybe as an editorial cartoon for the Mental Health section. Actually no...my favourite illustration of mental health is this:

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