9.30.2010

Cathy Friday

Welcome to Cathy Friday! This week I'm doing something a little different. This week, every Cathy had the same theme; Cathy and Irving (I just can't with that name) talking about their future. I decided that all of them were stupid and grating in their own little way, so I'm going to quickly analyze them all! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to check myself into a Mental Institution....

(And as always, click to make big)


MONDAY
Cathy seems to have their lives all figured out like some kind of goddamned Miss Cleo. Irving is pissed because he could have used this information to assist his compulsive gambling addiction. The dogs are bored to death by all of this and are either sleeping or dead (but if I were their dogs, I would hope for death). Cathy is wearing her signature "As Sexy As a Root Canal" heart-print sweatshirt, while Irving is wearing what looks to be one of those sweatshirts with the built-in collar that old ladies wear. This doesn't surprise me one bit.

TUESDAY
Cathy convinces Irving to close his eyes and imagine their future. I could save them some time by just switching the TV channel to any of TLC's shows about obese, pet-hoarding loners, but that would involve me living in Cathy's world, and that's not a suicide mission I'm ready to take on. While their eyes are closed, the dogs binge-eat all their food, then collapse under the weight of Cathy and Irving's calorie-laden Wal-Mart TV dinners. This is where I would probably call Animal Control to report blatant pet abuse and neglect, but really - the merciful thing would be to let the dogs die. What's worse: the shelter, or Cathy and Irving? Exactly - double-edged sword.

WEDNESDAY
Cathy and Irving continue the pathetic charade of imagining them driving down the road to their future. Cathy complains her jeans are too tight in her illusion and asks Irving to turn the car around so she can put on some sweatpants. Even in her dreams, Cathy is a sexless, disgusting slob. Irving's final thought of " We might not see our future today, but I see my future..." gave me the heebiest of jeebies because I imagined Cathy stuffing her gunt into a pair of threadbare elasticized-ankle sweatpants while Irving crysturbates in the shower for the 5th time that day.

THURSDAY
Cathy starts imagining again and Irving starts into his whiny baby-man behaviour. I need my gwasses. I need my bwanket. I need my insuwin. Cathy joins in and says she needs her "hoodie" which surprises me, because it looks like Cathy Guisewite learned about something else that has gained popularity in the last 10 years. "Hoodies! All the kids are wearing hoodies! Time to Google what hoodies are...."
Then at the end we see their bags are packed and they appear to be going on some kind of trip. I will be crossing my fingers that it involves a Thelma and Louise-themed road trip complete with driving off a cliff. In all likelihood, they're probably going back to some place that let's Irving wear his t-shirt in the swimming pool.

FRIDAY
Cathy and Irving are still blathering on about their trip. Sadly it didn't end with some kind of canine-helmed double-homicide, but you can't win them all. Cathy's talking about it being next spring and their at her parent's house. Ruh roh, I know where this is going. You usually find out you're pregnant when you're about 2-3 months in, right? Ew ew ew ew ew ew....
On the plus side, the dogs urinating and defecating all over Cathy's parents yard makes me smile, because I like to imagine Cathy's Dad standing at the window shaking his head in frustration, knowing full well he will be the person who will pick up all those dog turds.

Welp, it looks like Cathy Guisewite decided to pander to all the stay-at-home cat ladies and single Carols out there by giving Cathy and Irving a child. Barf. Check back on Monday for the very last Cathy comic EVER. It posts on Sunday October 3rd, and I plan on going through it with a fine-toothed AACK! Praise Jesus, this day couldn't come soon enough! For the first time in my life, I will know a world without Cathy. Oooh, that's spooky, isn't it? Wanna know something else? Cathy has been around longer than the Presidency of George Bush Sr and George W Bush, KFC's Extra Tasty Crispy chicken, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and Seinfeld COMBINED. Doesn't that make you just wanna barf? Anyways, see you on Monday.

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