My dentist doesn't fuck around

You know how you're supposed to go to the dentist every 6 months? Well, what they don't tell you is that rule only applies to rich people with amazing Dental Plans. For 3 years I had the World's Shittiest Dental Plan; I'm pretty sure they covered about 10% of your costs and punished you if you did anything more than ask the dentist for a free toothbrush. So, being the extremely broke person that I am, I never went. For 3 years. No big deal, right?


Remember when I said this?

"She told me I better straighten up and fly right. Which I will. Promise."

Yeah, so go ahead and ask me how long it was before I was eating Creme Eggs for breakfast and brushing my teeth with cupcakes. Answer? Not very long. Pretty much right away I stopped flossing; not my fault, everyone hates flossing, amirite? Then the teeth brushing started dwindling from 3 times a day, to just in the morning and at night, then it was just in the morning. Before I knew it I was relying more and more on gum and prayer (and around November 2009, I completely gave up on both). Despite my complete emancipation from the Dentist, my teeth felt fine. They were strong (I could bite apples and carrots with ease), they were healthy (naturally white and pearly), and my breath didn't stink (I rarely had "morning breath"). I was on top of the world, dental-wise. I started to feel very cocky, as if I had somehow beaten the system. Every time someone at work would talk about a dental appointment or saw people walking into the neighborhood Dental offices, I would think smugly to myself "Fools! All of them, fools. Have fun wasting your money on petty procedures and little samples of floss that you'll never use. I laugh at you, as I sit on my couch without a stranger's fingers prodding into my mouth."

That smug stupidity came to an abrupt end this weekend. You see, my current health plan at work is amazing: almost everything is 100% covered, all the time. You want a massage? Go nuts. Need braces? Have at it. Can't afford Viagra? Now you can! Add to that a really nice, new dental office right across the street from my house, so there was really nothing preventing me from having my teeth checked. Sure, it might suck, but I like to read magazines and get a new toothbrush, and I had nothing else better to do on Saturday morning, so I booked an appointment for some x-rays and a cleaning.

Everything was pretty normal: x-rays were taken (digitally too, so it was neat to see my teeth on the screen right in front of me), the Dentist cleaned my teeth with a high-pressure jet of cool water while California Gurls played over the sound system. Hell, even polishing wasn't terrible; they used a nice mint paste and I got to pick mint fluoride (um, have you ever been to the dentist where their only flavours were the shittiest, white trashest Ice Cream Shoppe flavours, like Orange Bubblegum Pudding Creamsicle or Mango Chocolate Mint Cupcake Chip? BARF!!!! It always tasted like sweet barf mixed with the inside of a fake leg. So gross. I was very pleased with my option of mint or mint).

Then she sits down with me and puts on her stern Dentist face....and tells me I have 2 cavities. Ummmmm, what? But my teeth didn't even hurt!!! What the hell?!?! One was just a baby, and we caught it early - apparently it's the equivalent of a tiny little oopsie in my tooth. I can deal with that. It's like a broken nail or a stubbed toe. But the other one? Apparently it went Appalachia a long-ass time ago. While it looked okay on the outside, it was straight-up black on the inside. My only regret is that I didn't have a camera at the time, because I would have LOVED to have taken pictures of the process! Instead, I'll just describe it for you:

Step 1: She freezes my mouth up so much. I have only ever had freezing once, and it was on my back, so it wasn't much. Also it was more than 6 years ago, so I barely remember what freezing feels like. Anyways, my mouth was frozen and puffy and my lips looked like The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Step 2: She gets out the drill, which really wasn't that bad, and starts drilling into my tooth. Oh, now might be a good time to mention its one of my molars at the back. So she gets to drilling and it's super easy and the drill is just getting it done. Then she's like "Do you want to see the hole?" Um, hells yes. It was like a tiny little pinkish-brownish hole in my molar. It looked soft, and it reminded me of all the sweet sweet candy I ate in order to make the little guy.

Step 3: DIGGING. Lawdamarcy, the digging. She gets this little scooper out and begins spooning out all the cavity gunk. This feels weird cause she's getting right in there, right, and it's taking a while. Also I don't feel pain but I feel pressure, and it's fucking with my head. It's like "if I wasn't froze up from the toes up, what the hell would this feel like?!?!" and then I start thinking "shit, what if she got the wrong one? What if she made a mistake and then she'll need to carve out two teeth instead?! What if the tooth comes out and I swallow it?" It was scary. I guess she saw I was freaking out, so she let me see the tooth all dug out. BIG MISTAKE. It gives me the willies just thinking about it. It was like a shell of a tooth; most of it was gone. Or maybe that was my active, paranoid imagination (more on that later).

Step 4: She starts putting tons of filler into my tooth. My mom said I might be able to feel her packing it in, but I was so done from the freezing, that I felt nothing. The threw a UV light on that shit, and bingo-bango, new tooth town!

Jerry's Final Thought
: My dentist tells me that we need to take good care to monitor Franketooth because there are two possible outcomes:
BEST CASE SCENARIO - Frankentooth feels a little sore for a few days, then he's good as new.
WORST CASE SCENARIO - Frankentooth starts being hurty and a pain in my ass and needs to be taken care of, Root Canal Style. This is the one I am NOT looking forward to.

So I'm freaking out. Imagine if I had waited to go to the dentist? They would have ripped the tooth out and I would be nicknamed Gummy Jolene. Uncool. So here's the moral of the story:

Take care of your teeth, because if you don't, they'll leave you. But they won't just leave quietly while you're at work; they'll burn down your house, Waiting to Exhale-style. So seriously...don't be shitty to your mouth. Always brush. Always floss. And always always always go to your dentist when you can. They catch the stuff you can't. Oh, and also go to your doctor. They're just as important. And make sure to wear condoms, kids. Just be safe, k? Life's too short to spend all your time in a dentist's chair with a UV light all up in your business.

Love you,

- The Mayor


Tina said...

:( x 1000

I need to go to the dentist...

Abby said...

I had a root canal recently. Not nearly as bad as everyone's making it out to be. Meh. You'll be fine, even in the worst case scenario.