Florida, Pt.2: Breakfast in America

Without fail, my favourite part of America is their obsession with food. Everything is BIGGER! BETTER! SALTIER! And everything is magical; where else can you find food stuffed into another food, then wrapped in a 3rd food, then deep-fried, and no one bats an eye as if to say "Big whoop, it's snacks, deal with it!"

So this time I gathered a lot of photos, picked out the best, then divided them into two categories: Breakfast and Snacks. Here's the best of American Breakfast!

I'm starting with the biggest abomination I found: Chocolate Cheerios. Here's the thing about Cheerios: they're the perfect breakfast cereal. They're just a tiny bit sweet, crunchy, toasty, they float in milk, you can eat 3 bowls without feeling super-sick. Then General Mills made Honey Nut Cheerios, which are also a tremendously perfect food. Apple Cinnamon is...decent. I wouldn't say I would give my first-born child for a box, but I wouldn't ignore them if they were on sale for $2.99 either. Hell, I'll even give MultiGrain Cheerios a pass because they're sweeter than regular Cheerios. But all in all, the 4 main Cheerios are good, solid breakfast cereals. So what the hell is Chocolate Cheerios all about? Was this necessary?!?! Was there a Mom out there who was like "Nuh-ugh Braydinn, y'alls ain't getting no Count Chocula. Social Services told me I ain't to be feeding yous and Jessychia no sugary cereals no more or your dang Dad will take ya 'way. If you want somethin' chocolatey, git them Chococlate Cheerios. Thems healthy."

This is my nightmare. I HATE Crunchberries. They neither taste like berries nor crunch (they get tremendously soggy in milk). Why would Captain L.R.Crunch affix his name to such a shoddy product? Anyways, I watched this documentary on American obesity and they mentioned that there are more and more X-Tra Flavor and Super Flavor and Flavor-Blasted foodstuffs on the market because American's tastebuds have gotten too used to high-fat/high-salt foods and now need everything to be hyper-flavored/hyper-salty. I sort of imagine the CEOs at Cap'n Crunch sitting around going:
"Gentlemen, the new figures are back and 90% of the eating public can no longer distinguish Cap'n Crunch from Sawdust. We need to release a cereal that gets them tasting again. It seems that most of them enjoy the Crunchberries more than the cereal, despite having a flavour profile that rivals the strength of pure acid. I say we throw caution to the wind and release an all-Crunchberry cereal. Also, from now on, Corn Pops will no longer be made with corn."

On to breakfast meats. This is something Canadians just cannot wrap their heads around. What THE FUCK is Canadian bacon?!? We do not have this shit in Canada, and we have no idea what the hell it is. In Canada, we have three types of bacon:
- regular strip bacon
- that 3-second microwave bacon (which isn't terrible. TRUTH)
- peameal bacon (which lots of people love, but I hate so so bad)
Other than that, we have no "Canadian bacon" except for the movie starring John Candy.

This almost made me barf: it's precooked diced ham in an airtight package. Firstly, ew. Secondly, who the hell is so lazy they can't cut up ham? Thirdly, see 1 and 2.

Americans: Still too lazy to use a knife in a jar.

Um, what? Honey Nut Cream Cheese? Who is buying this stuff? Like, okay - I get having flavoured cream cheese; I personally love Herb and Garlic and the pineapple one is OK, but honey nut cream cheese? Again, Americans are losing their tastebuds at such a rapid rate that they need everything to have a taste now. So fine, you need your cream cheese to be sweet and nutty. But here's the other side of the coin: who the hell is putting cream cheese on a bagel, then topping it with a drizzle of honey and a sprinkling of chopped nuts? Exactly, NO ONE.

Now on to one of my favourite foodstuffs: Pop Tarts!!! This is the one food that has surpassed it's original purpose (breakfast) and truffle-shuffled right into FIIFGT (Fuck it, I'm fat, gimme that). I was a little sad when I entered the Pop Tart section and realized that they hadn't come out with any new flavours in quite some time (please see my last post on Pop Tarts, where I discuss the abomination that is Ice Cream Shoppe Pop Tarts). However, Kelloggs has release two pretty disgusting flavours. The first is Cookies and Creme Pop Tarts. From what I understand here, Cookies and Creme consist of a chocolate pastry (shit, can we even classify it as pastry anymore? It's a fucking cookie). The inside is a white cream, which I will assume tastes like the inside of an Oreo, topped off with white icing and cookie bits. This package should come with a 1-800 number for Dr. Drew, because if you buy these you are definitely more than a casual meth-user.

And the second flavour is less innocuous: Choc-o-lantern. You know I love me some puns, so this one was appreciated. This is, again, a chocolate cookie filled with chocolate filling and topped with orange icing and sprinkles shaped like...bats? Ghosts? The scary look your doctor gives you when he tells you your son has Type 2 Diabeetus?

Toaster Strudel, clearly tired of being Pop Tart's healthy cousin (AS TO THE IF, BOBBY B) decides to shed its clean-cut image and throw itself whole hog into the FIIFGT market. The lower one, Cream Cheese and Strawberry, gets a pass, because as we all know, that's a pretty normal flavour combo. A little indulgent (my inner Hedonism-bot gives it a thumbs up) but normal nonetheless. HOWEVER. Are we looking at the box on top? BOSTON CREAM PIE TOASTER STRUDEL. That means that Pillsbury has crammed sweet sweet vanilla pudding filling inside flaky croissant-dough and then they give you a package of chocolate frosting to pour all over it. I'm sorry - what part of this isn't making your heart hurt?

This one is only in here because my favourite blogger, Michael K from Dlisted, is always talking about Abuelitas. This actually doesn't look half-bad: it's hot cocoa mix with cinnamon and...? I'm going to have to Google that.
UPDATE: It's just hot cocoa and cinnamon. That makes it Mexican? There is so much I need to learn about Mexico.

Finally, rounding out our breakfast selections, we have my personal favourite, Coffee Mate. In my world, Coffee Mate would release a new flavour every month and they would all be available in Canada and I would be as happy as a cat in a sunbeam. Sadly, this world does not exist; my world has 4 flavours of Coffee Mate, and they're boring (Original, French Vanilla, Hazelnut, and Double-Double-Mate, which is just a sweeter version of Original). In America, however, they have tons and tons of flavours and every Christmas/Holiday/Winter/etc. they release Special Magical Flavours. The magic is chemicals, but they're delicious anyways. Up top, L-R: Gingerbread Latte, Caramel Apple, Pumpkin Spice, Eggnog Latte, Peppermint Mocha. I purchased Pumpkin Spice, which made all the coffee I drank taste like pumpkin pie-flavoured lip balm (aka I LOVED IT). I would have liked to have tried Gingerbread Latte, but I only had time in the week to drink one bottle. Caramel Apple sounds effing gross, as does Eggnog Latte (because really - when was the last time you were drinking eggnog and you thought "know what would taste so good in this? Coffee.") Anyways, Coffee Mate only releases these once a year, so I thought I might think up some new flavours for them to keep all year long. Now remember - in Canada, these flavours would be considered disgusting. In America, they would serve them at the White House:
- Cheesecake Creme
- Butterscotch Sundae Latte
- Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Mocha
- Creme Egg Latte (that one doesn't sound half bad)
- Corn Syrup Creme
- Bag O' Sugar
- No Coffee Required Mocha Syrup (you can drink it straight from the bottle and no one will judge)

Stay tuned for Part 3: America, Snack Yeah!


Anonymous said...

Peameal Bacon is "Canadian Bacon"

Tony said...

Anonymous, it's way more complicated than that. Canadian Bacon's never quite peameal bacon.. peameal bacon is a "pea meal"(like pea or corn meal) on back bacon. Canadian Bacon in the states could be peameal bacon, back bacon, or most often just ham.

Really, Canadian Bacon is any cured pork cut thick + wide.

Anonymous said...

Peameal Bacon is an example of Canadian Bacon.

The Mayor said...

Alright, time to declare a winner to the Canadian Bacon/Peameal Bacon argument: NO ONE. Here is what you need to know:

1. Peameal Bacon is Back Bacon that is rolled in cornmeal or peameal. But the main thing that makes it different is the curing process: brine. Just like pickles!

2. Canadian Bacon is, in essence, Back Bacon, and it comes from the pork loin. It is smoked, not brined. The best example of Canadian Bacon (for all the Canadians who have no idea what the hell it is still) is the ham in the middle of an Egg McMuffin.

3. The main difference is that Canadian Bacon is yummy, whereas Peameal Bacon makes me gag.

Anonymous said...

i found your blog awhile ago by searching for antm. are you not watching anymore? what's up with that? this cycle is redunk! also, i saw a fab american snack at target today and thought of your blog- chocolate covered ritz crackers. what? yep. they exist. i'm american and even i don't understand.

Melisa said...

"The scary look your doctor gives you when he tells you your son has Type 2 Diabeetus?" bwaahahah!