Florida, Pt.3: America, Snack Yeah!

So yesterday I spoke to you about American breakfast foods which, in my opinion, are some of the best examples of gluttony you can find anywhere. Snack foods, the previous staple of gluttony, are too easy to pin down as disgusting monstrosities of cuisine and have sort of grown too large for their shoes; it's like that joke about God microwaving a burrito so hot that even he could not eat it. Snacks are the same. There are only so many times you can add candy bars to ice cream or the word "X-Tra" to Cheetos before it's redundant. But, I was able to find a few things that I thought were just tremendous and stupid. Enjoy!

These mini packages of pickles are weird or gross, per se, but I did see how they made them on an episode of the Food Network's Unwrapped, and for that they get mentioned. I just think it's so weird to bring a pickle in your lunch. It reminds me of that scene in Uncle Buck where Macaulay Culkin unpacks his lunch at school and he gets a pickle in a ziploc back. Anyways, it also grossed me out that someone would want to eat more than one sweet pickle (they are very very gross).

These are giant cans of Red Bull. I decided to put a regular-sized can beside it so you can see the scale. America! Come on!!! You guys are going to die, man! Knock it off with the energy drinks!

Smucker's Magic Shell is great, I'll be the first to admit that. They used to make a chocolate-peanut-butter flavour that was really really good (do they still make it?) Anyways, if you don't know what it is, it's a chocolate syrup with tons of waxes and stabilizers in it and when you pour it over ice cream, it hardens into a shell. Then, you take your spoon and shatter the top, and eat it all together. The chocolate eventually melts a bit, but it's sort of like getting a dipped ice cream cone from Dairy Queen. So it looks like Smucker's got greedy and decided they needed to increase profits by adding new flavours for fatsos to buy. Here's the thing: chocolate lends itself to melting. White chocolate does not; it always looks and tastes super-artificial. Plus, why make an orange creme one? 1/2 of orange creme's flavour comes from THE VANILLA ICE CREAM YOU'RE POURING IT ON. So what's the point? Why not just buy Orange Creamsicles and be done with it? Who wants to pour artificial orange wax on their ice cream? Also, can't you already buy Creamsicle ice cream? Redundancy.
And another thing - STOP TRYING TO MAKE CUPCAKE FLAVOUR HAPPEN!!! "Cupcake" isn't a flavour; that's like saying "sandwich flavour" or "soda pop flavour". Plus, cupcakes and cake have the same makeup (cake, icing, sprinkles) so please please PLEASE tell me why anyone would want to crumble cake, scoop icing, and sprinkle jimmies all over their ice cream. DIABEETUS!

I can't make fun of these because I bought them. Chocolate vanilla marshmallows are a great idea. I can't wait to make Rice Crispy Squares with them (aka Who am I kidding, I will be eating them straight from the bag while watching Law & Order: SVU).

I always thought that Cheez Doodles were one of those generic TV terms like phone numbers starting with 555. Apparently, they are an actual brand of snack, which leads me to this question: which came first, the made-up TV idea of the Cheez Doodle, or the actual Cheez Doodle-brand corn snack itself? Think about it. Also something to think about: I have a very difficult time remembering my own phone number, but I can tell you what the Tanner's home phone number is from Full House: 555-2424.

Again, this is more of a redundancy than anything: did anyone actually write in to Nabisco (in Canada, Oreo's are by Christies!) and ask for an Oreo with one yellow side and one chocolate side? Hey - I'm not complaining. I would still consider buying these (I didn't, but there's always the next time I go to Buffalo, New York).

Day 1 of Florida trip: We were making fun of these SO HARD in the Target. Chocolate Goldfish?!? What kind of desperate snack-hungry American buys Chocolate Goldfish?!?! BAHHAHAHAHA MERICANS R DUM.
Day 3 of Florida trip: A package of Chocolate Goldfish were purchased.
Day 4 of Florida trip: Said package was eaten in its entirety.
Day 5 of Florida trip: Sadness! Regret! Why didn't we buy two?!?!

If you have a weak stomach, I STRONGLY suggest you skip the next two pictures and don't read too closely at what this is. Good, get gone. Okay, so this is chocolate wine. Yes. Chocolate milk and red wine. CHOCOLATE MILK AND RED WINE. I am almost positive this is one of the pictures Osama Bin Laden keeps on his "Reasons Why I Hate America"-inspiration board in his office.

And this is chocolate wine with a hint of raspberry. Chocolate milk, with red wine, with raspberry syrup. Dear. Lord. Why.

I love that the label is all "Seriously, this shit won awards. It may seem weird, but it's so fucking classy. Brangelina drinks this all day long. Your guests will be wowwed if you serve this to them. We guarantee they won't barf*".
*Not a guarantee
Also, what "sinful cocktails" are we talking about here, because as I see it, the only thing unholy you could do with this is drinking it. My favourite cocktail recipe is The Dignity.
- pour 7oz of ChocoVine into a glass
- throw glass into the trash
- pour remaining ChocoVine into the toilet

These made me laugh a lot in the grocery store because they aren't food at all; they're candles. That's right - some Americans need the smell of candy and cookies and chocolate filling their nostrils all the time, so they light candy-scented candles around their house to remind them to eat said candy. It's like a MedicAlert bracelet: "Remember to eat another Almond Joy".
Also...$9.99? WHATEVER.

These candles might actually be worse. They're supposed to smell like Entenmann's pound cake.

This Extra gum got me so excited because there's this thing in the US that I like to call 'Eat your way to weight loss'. It's where you see a product like, oh, I dunno...fat free yogurt, but it's flavoured like hyper-rich, fatty deserts. So instead of treating yourself to a slice of pie every once in a while, you eat a 60-calorie Butter Pecan Crumble yogurt, followed by a 60-calorie Molten Chocolate Lava Cake yogurt, followed by a 100-calorie pack of Cheesecake Thins cookies, followed by a 150-calorie Caramel Vanilla Drizzle Pepsi, and so on and so on and so on. And all you're doing is binging on chemicals and eating way more than necessary, but you don't think you are because everything is low-cal and marketed to people who "want the taste but none of the guilt!" It doesn't make sense to me (actually, it does make sense. I get it, and it's stupid). So anyways, Extra has put out 3 new flavours of gum (GUM, PEOPLE!) and they're all supposed to taste like rich desserts. This gum is supposed to taste like mint chocolate chip ice cream. Now, I'm sure there is at least one of you out there who is looking at this gum and thinking "chocolate mint, that's not that gross". But may I remind you of the time your dentist gave you chocolate-mint fluoride and you gagged on it for all 60 seconds? Exactly.

Key Lime Pie gum. This wouldn't be so bad if it was just lime gum - that I could get behind. But you know this one has notes of graham, cream, butter I JUST BARFED IN MY MOUTH.

Strawberry Shortcake gum. I just can't anymore, really. Plus, strawberry shortcake is one of those desserts that is so easy to make low-calorie: all you need is strawberries, a bit of vanilla cake, and a small scoop of frozen yogurt. I just don't understand how someone would want to chew this for an hour. I mean, strawberry shortcake is delicious, but would I want to eat it for an hour or two? No, absolutely not. I mean, why would someone want to chew on an artificial, spaceman-gum flavour when they could just go to the Produce section and buy the real thing?

Oh yeah, I forgot. The produce section of American grocery stores is a ghost town. See that one person in the middle? They work there. That guy on the left? He was looking for juice, and when he didn't find what he wanted, he ended up in the juice aisle with a 2L bottle of Juicy Juice. By the way - this is the produce section in a Super Target. Super Targets are as large as 20 Football fields, and yet their fresh grocery section is about as big as your High School weight room. Oh America - you just keep reaching for that rainbow.


Alice said...

Awsome. Besides the abominations that are available in the grocery stores, they're also responsible for things like: deep fried pickles (what?!) deep fried Twinkies (maybe they taste better fried? Cause twinkies are GROSS) and deep fried Mars bars (no words).

Also, I was watching an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives and some restaurant in Texas was serving something like "Wonder fries" and it was just poutine! But they were all crowing like they had invented this amazing fry-cheese-gravy combo. The french-canadian in me was fuming!

Melisa said...

"spaceman gum flavor" I've bought a pack of the Mint Chocolate Chip at the checkstand in Target last week, not too bad! I don't think I'll buy it again, but it was actually pretty good. I think on the "Biggest Loser" or one of those weight loss shows claimed that chewing flavored gum helps curb cravings... I've tried Passion Fruit, Strawberry Banana, and now this. The first two are pretty barfy :( Also, I favorited the "Sour" archive on the Candy blog you mentioned in another post and holy crap my mouth is literally still watering as a I write this (not exaggerating). Yum!

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