12.30.2010

Best of 2010: The Internets!

Okay, it's that time again; I write about my favourite YouTube videos and internet memes. Note: I had to explain to people at work what a 'meme' was, and I had never felt like such an indoor-kid in my LIFE. Anyways, here are the internets that helped silence the voices in my head this year.



6. The Amazing Race: Watermelon Launch

Truth: I don't like The Amazing Race. Does anybody, really? It's a pretty boring show. All it is, week after week, is people freaking the fuck out all over the world about taxis being too slow or people on a farm in Kuuala Lumpoor not understanding them when they shout at them in American slang. Long (boring) story short, this video is BRUTAL. They hand to launch watermelons (why?) and one of them ricocheted back into the woman's face. WHAT?!?!?! How didn't she die?!?!



5. Leaked Chris Klein audition for
Mamma Mia!
Holy crap, I must have watched this 17 times. I don't know if this is fake or not, but even if it is, it's SO SAD.




4. Sunny D and Rum (Yum Yum)

I WANT THIS TO PLAY IN MY BRAIN FOREVER. Also, doesn't this look like Eric Wareheim dressed up as Carol?


3. Any Auto-Tune the News segment
Obviously. Ever since Jon Stewart started giving me the Ambiens, I had to turn to the Gregory Brothers to get my news. Wow, I sound like the laziest, most uninformed citizen in the world. The sads :(




2. Weird: The Al Yankovic Story
This is THE BEST Funny or Die video, but that's not saying much. Sadly, most Funny or Die stuff is a little...pedestrian. But this, and last year's The Ballad of GI Joe, were some of the best parody work I've seen in years. First Breaking Bad, and now playing Weird Al, it's safe to say that I would do anything to marry Aaron Paul (oh, and Patton Oswalt as Dr. Demento? Way too amazing).



1. Antoine Dodson and the rapist of Lincoln Park

Well, OBVIOUSLY, Antoine Dodson is number one. Can you name a bigger internet star this year? Antoine is bigger than Chocolate Rain, bigger than Keyboard Cat, bigger than Star Wars Kid (well, metaphorically-speaking). So, in case you've been living under a rock for the last 12 months, here is what you need to know:
- Antoine lives in a shitty ghetto in Alabama
- His sister was taking a nap upstairs with her daughter when a guy broke into her bedroom and tried to rape her
- Antoine runs upstairs after hearing the commotion and scares the perp off
- Antoine goes through a lineup of stupid questioning by local news teams
- Antoine is his amazing self, and the world falls in love with him
- The Gregory Brothers (from Autotune the News fame) make an amazing song using Antoine's sound-bytes. Here is the song:



Then, as if Antoine can't get any better, he shows up at the BET awards and does Bed Intruder live. And he NAILS IT.



Are you looking at this? They're not laughing at him; they're laughing WITH him. The best part about Antoine is that he used the money he made from the sales of Bed Intruder on iTunes and rented him and his sister a better place in Alabama. Antoine got outta tha ghetto! Finally, a YouTube video with a happy ending!

12.26.2010

Best of 2010: Movies

Since it's Christmas break and I am in my pyjamas and really want to watch a Comedy Central Roast-a-thon, I want to make this post on my favourite movies of 2010 very brief. And really, what more do you want? It's not like The Skip-raid is the world leader in finely crafted and well-versed film reviews, right? So instead of yammering on and on about Inception, I'm going to sum up my favourite movies of the year with 3 or 4 words. Nice and short. LET'S RUMBLE!

11. MacGruber
Sorry. Was hilarious.

10. Get Him to the Greek
Diddy made it tolerable.

9. Hot Tub Time Machine
Sadly underrated.

8. The Other Guys
Fast forward through the Eva Mendes parts (not funny).

7. Kick Ass
SO. GOOD.

6. Shutter Island
The ending was like "WHAAAAAAA?!?"

5. Toy Story 3
Put Michael Keaton in everything pls.

4. Despicable Me
Better than Toy Story 3 (srry).

3. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Marry me, Simon Pegg.

2. Inception
Worth the hype.

1. The Social Network
Thought I'd hate it. I did not.

Movies I haven't seen, but will review anyways:

True Grit
Is probably super tough and awesome (seeing it tomorrow with my Dad)

Black Swan
Jackie from That 70s Show? Okay, I guess.

Tangled
Sister said it was hilarious.

Blue Valentine
"Hey girl, if you see this movie, I'll give you a foot rub"

12.20.2010

2010's Christmas Shoes

As with everything, there has to be a shittiest and worst, and Christmas is no exception. For years, the award for shittiest, worst Christmas song was bestowed upon Newsong's The Christmas Shoes. In the event you have no idea what I am talking about, please watch this brief tutorial courtesy of Patton Oswalt.



There. The very best descriptor of The Christmas Shoes. Anyways, it seemed that there was no way that there could ever be a Christmas song worse than that of The Christmas Shoes. Well, hold on to your hats, because ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...Dan Fogelberg's Same Old Lang Syne:



The worst part is that it's not even new; it's from 1981. But for some reason, I had not heard it until this winter. And when I say heard it, I mean hearing it every hour on every radio station playing Christmas music. Here's the jist of this shitty, shitty song:

Dan Fogelberg (really unforch name) stops into a grocery store on Christmas eve. While walking down one of the aisles, he sees a High School sweetheart. Oh, what luck! So he approaches her and taps her on the arm. Now, here is where the story gets a raised eyebrow from me; whenever I see exes in the grocery store/liquor store/drug store (where I'm usually buying Pepto or tampons or both, of course) I never approach them in a "Hey! What a co-inky-dink to see you here?!" sort of way. I usually bolt for the exit. Now, not all guys I've seen have ended on a sour note, but sometimes it's just easier to avoid an awkward situation. Plus, exes are the only people who can catch you ducking them in a store and just shrug it off because they get it - they don't want to have that shitty, fake-friendship chit-chat either. Anyways, Dan Fogelberg apparently does not subscribe to this philosophy, so he runs down his ex for some awkward chit-chat (something that he wouldn't feel the need to do had he ran into his High School sweetheart during the advent of Facebook, but if Ifs and Buts were Candy and Nuts, you know?). They get to talking and move their shit to the check-out line where they stand there filling the dead air with awkward faces. One of them suggests they go to a bar. NOOOO! That's the worst idea! Dan Fogelberg's love interest, check your shit and get in your car. This isn't Studio 54, this is Farm Rite Grocery and you're stocking up on tins of cat food to put in your kittie's stockings. Homegirl, go home. But she doesn't, so they decide to find a bar. Of course no bars are open, because it's Christmas eve (you fucking dumbasses. That's like someone going "Shit, the mall isn't open on Sunday night? When did this happen?" I have no idea how long they're driving around, but they finally settle on a 6 pack in her car. A SIX PACK OF BEER IN HER CAR. This is a terrible idea. Firstly, because we find out the woman is married. Um, I do not have a jealous boyfriend by any means, and I'm not jealous of him, but we'd both be pissed if either of us got a text that read "Srry wont be home 4 awhile, just ran n2 ex from HSchool. Picked up a 6-er and r getting drunk n their car in the RiteAid parking lot. Will try not 2 fool around w them. C u at 2am!"
Cut to shady lady and Dan Fogelberg sitting in a beat up Gremlin in a parking lot on Christmas Eve drinking a 6-pack of Coors (I'm imagining cans, of course) and playing catch-up. She's married, but to a rich Architect she doesn't like. In the words of The Church Lady: How Conveeeeeeenient. She mentions that she's seen Dan Fogelberg's records in music stores and he must be getting pretty A-list. Meep meep, Gold Digger alert!! Nobody slugs back shitty beer in a parking lot on Christmas Eve unless they think they're about to upgrade from Architect to Rock Star. He tells her he's single (and ready to mingle) and that he loves being a famous musician, but hates touring because it's so lonely. Okay, match point, Fogelberg. The only easier way to get laid would be if he pulled out all the stops and told her he's got brain cancer and his dying wish is to 'make love' one last time. This would be where you assume they high tail it to the nearest Motel 6, but instead they finish off their beers and she tells him to hit the road. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and drives away, leaving Dan Fogelberg standing in an empty parking lot with a case of holly jolly blue balls. Then the snow turns into rain. THE END.

Here are my thoughts:
1. The only thing Christmassy about this song is the mention of it being Christmas Eve. This song could quite literally be about reconnecting with an old flame on April Fools Day, Guy Fawkes Day, or a Wednesday night. Dan Fogelberg probably knew this song was so fucking lame, the only way it would get radio play is if it had some kind of Christmas element because, let's face it, radio stations will play anything at Christmas. I think I've heard Taylor Swift's version of Santa Baby 29 times now, and it's just horrendous.

2. With a little help from Wikipedia, I found out that Dan Fogelberg has admitted that this song is entirely autobiographical. And, with a little more detective work, I found out he was married at the time he wrote it. Not so innocent, are we Fogelberg. All this time we're listening to it being like "Oh, poor guy! He still likes her, but she's tied up to that bastard of a husband. Make the first move, Dan! Save her from this loveless marriage!" Then you find out he was married at the time too, and the song suddenly becomes the An Ashley Madison Christmas Carol.

3. If she was married and didn't plan on breaking the most sacred of man-made laws, why the fuck would she drink warm beers in her car with a practical stranger? If she hates her home life so much that she's willing to chug brewskis in a gas-station parking lot with her High School bf rather than even imagine going home to her husband, then why doesn't she just divorce the guy? Oh yeah, SHE'S A GOLD DIGGER. Let me tell you this; if the lyrics were "She said she'd married her an Janitor / who kept her warm and safe and dry" they'd be at the La Quinta Inn so fast, a seagull would eventually be stuck in the 6-pack holder their beer came in (which is to say, so fast they would not have time to cut the plastic rings so as to prevent seagulls from getting their necks caught).

4. Speaking of this broad's husband, he doesn't sound like a bad guy. He's an Architect, which is a really interesting job. He's not a dummy and he's got a job where he gets to be a little creative. Also, I bet they have a cool-looking house. He keeps her warm (that's good, nobody likes to wear Snuggies), safe (they're not waking up to home invasions every Saturday night at 3am), and dry (remember how after Katrina the divorce rate skyrocketed to 400% or something? Well, there you go). She says she'd like to say she loves the guy, but she doesn't want to lie to Fogelberg. Hmmm, sounds like she doesn't love him, and not the other way around. So here we have a sad, cuckolded man who's wife is running around town entertaining guys in her bar-car like some kind of 1980s Don Draper. I feel bad for this guy! Shit, he's probably at home sitting in front of the fireplace in a homemade Christmas sweater, checking his watch over and over again going "Gee whiz, Sarah went out for egg nog 3 hours ago. I sure hope she comes back before midnight. I'd love to watch White Christmas together in our matching Christmas PJs."

5. Dan Fogelberg acts flattered when she mentions that she's seen his records and tapes in the music store and he acts all flattered. Dude, I had to Wiki you to find out if I could recognize anything you've done, and I wasn't able to identify ANYTHING. You're basically the same as if I ran into the guy from Len at Tim Hortons.

6. This song is basically the TV show Cheaters (Joey Greco!!) Meeting in a parking lot? Check. Drinking in a busted hatch-back? Check. Missing an important holiday with a loved one? Check and check. A delusional wanna-be rock star? Check mate.

So there you have it! The Christmas Shoes has been officially de-throned as the worst Christmas song of 2010. With that being said, I'm going to hole myself off from the world and listen to Wham's Last Christmas over and over and over and over....

Best of 2010: Telebishen

13. The Big Bang Theory
Never has a show made me love it and hate it at the same time as much as BBT. It's kind of like that old Looney Tunes where the guy has the singing-dancing frog that only preforms for him; whenever I tell doubting friends that BBT is actually a really good sitcom, we watch it together and it's bound to be a terrible episode. Then I look like the dope with poor taste. Then I watch a BBT episode on my own and it turns out to be an amazing one. So I'm torn. But I do know this: The Big Bang Theory, for all its faults (ahem...Raj still not being able to speak to women) it is some of the sharpest writing and clever humor on network TV. Also, who doesn't love Jim Parsons? Exactly.


12. Check It Out! With Dr. Steve Brule
When I heard through the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! channels that they were toying with the idea of a Steve Brule spin-off, I shuddered a disgusted shud. Obviously the jocks had taken over the T&EASGJ-joke "For your health!" just as they had raped and pillaged the "I'm Rick James, bitch!" joke from Chappelle's Show years earlier. Well, I finally got around to watching Check It Out! and....it was tremendous. It was too weird for normies to like (+1), it had John C. Reilly being his most uncomfortable (+1), and it kept most of the same mood and feeling as T&EASGJ!(+1). Hell, there were even some moments so uncomfortably funny for me that I almost turned it off due to embarrassment (but I didn't, because it's obviously genius). I feel good knowing that 30 years from now, my grandkids (Cyber-grandkids? Cyborg Grandchildren? E-Kids?) will dig up old copies of this show and freak out at how nuts and funny it is. Also, is it wrong that I think Dr. Steve Brule is a total fox?

10&11. Modern Family/Cougar Town
Yep, two shows so nice I'm reviewing them twice. Er...anyways. I've decided to group Modern Family and Cougar Town together which is probably making many of you spit your stale coffee at your computer monitors, but here is why:
1. Modern Family, while being awesome and very well written for a network, traditional sitcom, is a tiny bit (wait for it) over-rated. Sowwy! It's great, but is it Win-every-Emmy great? Not really. Just like Big Bang Theory, it has moments of greatness that walk along the beach with moments of total garbage. Anyways, so obviously Modern Family is clever and enjoyable - it's not ground-breaking by any means, but it's a nice little 30 minutes of weekly television. And, with that being said, so is the program that follows it: the unfortunately named Cougar Town. Here's the thing; I do not know why people are letting the name of this show interfere with their ability to view it. Yes, the name Cougar Town is a mistake, but it doesn't mean that Courtney Cox isn't a very funny person (she is, and I HATED Friends) Busy Phillips is super funny, and the kid who play's Courtney's son is wonderful. I laugh out loud at every episode (maybe not the whole 30 minutes, but there is at least one joke I love love love). Anyways, this season was the first season I actually gave this show a chance and I don't regret it. I don't even care that it's so epic'ly uncool to like this show - big deal! Corner Gas was the uncool-est, and I loved that show. Deal with it.

8&9. The Cleveland Show/American Dad
Again, a two-fer. This time it's because these two shows are essentially the same show (aka A total, unabashed rip-off of Family Guy). However - I don't really love Family Guy. This season has been quite decent. Not hilarious, or worthy of space in my memory, but not earth-shatteringly awful (like it has been in the past). But the best part about Family Guy has been its spin-off shows. First, American Dad: is there any other show on television right now that is so dedicated to character development? I feel like I know which brand of Toothpaste Roger uses. Speaking of which, when I was first introduced to American Dad, I thought Roger was the stupidest thing I had ever seen. Now? I wish I could go back in time and slap my old-self for thinking such fuckery. Roger is hilarious. This show is, week by week, a fantastic joy. Next, The Cleveland Show. Look, I know that 99% of everyone and their Memaws HATE HATE HATE The Cleveland Show, and I get that - it's a dumb show. It's characters are lazy and poorly-written. The jokes are just so off and barely funny. And yet...and yet I cannot live without Cleveland Brown. Actually, let me amend that: Donna Brown is not that great, and neither is Roberta, but Cleveland, Rollo, Cleveland Jr, and Lester are my favourites. Oh, and the bartender Gus is David Lynch. Fun Fact: David Lynch (yes, Twin Peaks David Lynch) loved The Cleveland Show so much that he accepted a role as Gus the Bartender. Another Fun fact: Cleveland is voiced by a white guy and Lester is voiced by a black guy. Weird, huh?

7. Re-Vamped
Never has a show be made with such an obvious bias for its stars. Here is what you need to know about Re-vamped:
A bunch of old-ass whiny women bond over being dumped by their husbands/exes. All of them have a story to tell, but that story is always the same ("Mah husband facked his seck-atary and now I'm a single mam"). So they live in this house in Kitchener, Ontario (don't even google it, it's a pretty gross city) for like, 4 fucking months (I know it's only 8 weeks or something, but it feels like FOREVER). Then they train with a physical trainer to get hawt and do all kinds of emotional shit to get their confidence back and take burlesque dancing classes. All this culminates into the final episode where they do a burlesque dance FOR THEIR EXES. Yes. All this "you go girl!" is all for them to try to win back the guys who cheated on them and left them penniless. It's so dumb. Each week its a solid 10 minutes of them clucking at each other, 10 minutes of them crying about their insecurities, and 40 minutes of them bitching about their exes. Throw in some very very unfortunate bodies doing burlesque (aka Barflesque) and a production budget in the hundreds (if I had to guess, I'd say a total of $600 bucks. Definitely no more than a grand) and you have one hell of a show. The best parts of the show were Angela and Amber. Amber is the gargoyle 3rd from the left and she's from Alberta. Needless to say she's a total redneck who pronounces all Us as As. So, lucky turns into lacky, fucking turns into fackin. Also she's a total loose cannon; she was constantly flipping out on everyone. It would be like this:
Anyone: "Shit, who left all these lemon peels on the counter?"
Amber: "I think that was me"
Anyone: "Okay, that's cool, but could you put them in the compost next time? There's a ton of ants in this place and they love fruit peels."
Amber: "SHAT YAR FACKIN MOUTH, YA BATCH! Sari-assly! This is a facking crock! You start batching on me like you know me?!? I had to deal with enough shat from my ex-hasband! Go fack yarsalf!"
Everyone: "Amber, chill out. It's cool, take it easy"
Amber: "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO FACKIN DO! I'M A SINGLE MAM!!"
And Angela, second from the right, was way worse. All she would do is cry and cry that her ex-bf used to berrate her and be an asshole and treat her like a dog and he stole her life savings and, in her words "to top it all off, he kicked me out and left me homeless". Um, WHY DID YOU NOT LEAVE HIM?!?! She basically stuck around till he dumped her. First strike against her. Then, any time someone would tell her to do anything, she'd cry and say it reminded her of when her ex would be an asshole to her. But it was always stuff like:
Their Trainer: "Angela, drop down and give me 20! You're getting so fit, girl! You can do this!"
Angela: "BOO HOO HOO, I'M ASKAIRD OF MEN AND YOU SOUND LIKE MY EX! YR ABUSIVE!"
Their Trainer: "Srsly?"
It was so annoying. Then, at the end of the show, they all invite their exes back to watch them do this really pitiful burlesque dance and everyone's ex comes except for Angelas. Then she's all teary and was like "Well, he wasn't there for me then, and he's not here for me now, so it shows you a lot about what kind of man he is". Um, YOU ARE A TOTAL PSYCHO. If I dated a guy who treated me like shit all the time and stole all my money and called me a fat cow 24-7, the last thing I would want is to invite him to a taped tv show where I sadly shake my shit to try to win him back. It was so. weird.

6. Community
Community is a conundrum for me. I love Joel McHale, but I hate his character Jeff Winger. I hate Britta and Annie, but I love love love Troy and Abed. I enjoy that Chevy Chase is on Community, but I think Ken Jeong is over-rated as Senor Chang. The guest stars are crappy and awkward (Betty White, American Idol alum Katharine McPhee) but the minor characters, like Starburns, are awesome. So I'm kind of at an impasse. I know most people just can't get into Community, so I'll tell them this: Watch Aerodynamics of Gender (specifically the Troy and Jeff storyline) and tell me it's not completely the best.

5. Breaking Bad
DO I EVEN NEED TO MENTION WHY BREAKING BAD IS ON THIS LIST?!!? Obviously Breaking Bad is one of the best shows on television, ever. It's just fantastic. I can't even get into it because, in regards to Breaking Bad, there are two types of people:
- people who have never seen Breaking Bad
- people who have seen Breaking Bad and absolutely love it
If you haven't seen it yet, I STRONGLY suggest you go out right now and get Seasons 1 through 3. NOW.

4. Parks and Recreation
Sorry! I know that 80% of you hate Parks & Rec. And I get that - it's a very difficult show to enjoy. The characters all seem like rip-offs from other shows, it's a mish-mash of people who feel like mid-season replacements, there's no big star (unless you count Amy Poehler as a huge star...which I do, but whatever). So it's a bit of an oddball; but that's why it's funny. It's completely comedy/script based, full of awkward, awful-to-watch humour, and AND! this season gave us the best NBC love story in a post-Jim-and-Pam world (which would be April Ludgate (MY HERO) and Andy Dwyer). Also, Tom Haverford. SWEET JESUS, TOM HAVERFORD!!!


3. Dragon's Den
Okay, so I am told that in the U.S. this show is called Shark Tank. DONT CAYUR. Never seen it, but I already know that Dragon's Den is better. Dragon's Den is an hour-long show on CBC about people trying to sell their businesses and business ideas to a panel of investors. From L to R, we have:
Brett Wilson - a new-age fool who invests in any and every hippie scheme brought to the Den. If you tried to sell him a bag of dog turds that you promised would bring the owner enlightenment, he'd buy your company and invest for 30 years. He's sort of hot though, so he gets a pass (even though he's a total Mimbo)
Jim Treliving - he owns Boston Pizza (my favourite) so he's already pretty awesome. Also he's very old and dancing on the line of senility, so most of what he says is just jumbled words that sound like "get off my lawn".
Arlene Dickinson - she is a stone-cold bitch, but totally awesome. She's a marketing genius and is really good at predicting what will sell and what wont. She is usually seen fighting with Kevin O'Leary. Also she's the nicest to people when they have a really horrible idea that they've twice mortgaged their house for.
Kevin O'Leary - he's an shithead, but he knows what is worth money and what is a terrible investment, so even though he's a d-bag, he's a smart d-bag. Also he can sometimes be funny, and usually is the best when someone has a terrible idea.
Robert Herjavec - this guy LIVES for when people bring in bikini models for their presentation; Rob Herjavec is a walking boner. This alone is enough to gross me the hell out, except he has an amazing back story - he moved to Canada from Croatia when he was ten and was piss-broke till he got through University. Awwww.
Anyways, Dragon's Den is actually a pretty good way to get your business started; many times I have been in stores and seen stuff from the show. But it's also a terrible way to tell your friends and family members how deep into debt you are: many times people come on with a horrible idea and casually mention that they are $500,000 in debt and their house is in foreclosure. Wamp wamp :( But it really scores this high on the list because it's the only show that I watch, week after week, sitting down at my TV. Every Wednesday at 8pm, I will not see friends or entertain, because all I want to do is watch crappy business plans being presented to professionals.

2. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
This is the funniest show on television, period. My only wish is that I was unemployed so I could stay at home every day re-watching each episode. On its best day, it is just as funny as Strangers with Candy.

1. Law & Order: SVU
AWWWWWWJEAH! You know I couldn't leave SVU off this list! There is no show right now that is so campy and over-the-top, so melodramatic, so unintentionally funny, all the while trying SO DESPERATELY to be a serious, topic-touching network drama. A who's-who of D-list guest stars that should really be aiming for Dancing with the Stars (Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sharon Stone, Kathy Griffin, Robin Williams), paired with stories ripped from the headlines (aka Stories sensationalized on CNN and Kathie Lee and Hoda). Not to mention Christoper Meloni charging around every scene like Wet Hot American Summer's Gene, but in a suit. All he needs is a talking can of vegetables. But the best part of Season 12 of SVU is the HD projections of Det. Stabler's terrible, terrible wig. He's bald, we get it! He's cool with it - stop trying to cover it up with a shitty piece of carpet! Anyways, Law & Order: SVU is just ridiculous, but always totally enjoyable. The only way it can get better is if they keep giving recurring guest-spots to Ice-T's wife CoCo (which actually happened, btw).

12.14.2010

Dumb Christmas Tree Ornaments

First things first, I'm wrapping up Round 1 of Skip-raid Christmas Cards, and it's not too late to put in a request for one! Even last minute, I can have it to you before (or somewhere near) Christmas. So email today, and get a hand-drawn card. I must say, some of your requests have been truly amazing. My best work, so far. Moving on...

This weekend I held a little Christmas cuddle party (ABSOLUTELY JOKING) at my house and asked people to bring me an ornament for my tree. I honestly thought my friends would make me tree ornaments out of balled-up tissues or ripped pieces of underwear, but instead they actually brought really beautiful pretty ornaments. Tears! I'm not sure why I assumed they would bring crap; I have really nice friends, after all. So I thought I might Google crappy ornaments and see what comes up.

Google search: redneck christmas ornament

This isn't that terrible; it's a guy riding around on one of those beer-cooler-with-a-lawnmower-motor scooters which, in itself, is actually a pretty good idea when you live in a trailer park and need to get to and fro without a license. Also I love the ennui in that guy's face; it's like he knows this is as good as his life will get.

This is kind of weird because the person who cannot afford a decent Christmas tree (or stay sober long enough to put one up) probably had a wedding that looked exactly like this ornamental couple, which means that they would either a) find this ornament insulting or b) ask why you chose to get them this rather than a 6-pack, or both. On the other side of the coin is the kind of person who would find this ornament funny to laugh at but wouldn't buy it because they would be embarrassed by how cheap it looks. So really, who would actually buy this ornament and put it on their tree?
In the event you are having difficulty reading this baby's t-shirt, it says Redneck Baby, and yes - those are Billy-Bob teeth in the baby's mouth. Either that, or the baby has terrible dental hygiene at an alarmingly young age. Giving this ornament to someone, or buying it for yourself and placing it on an evergreen branch essentially says "Yeah, my baby's an uneducated fucked-up. Deal with it, asshole!" And really, isn't that what the Yuletide is all about?

These...aren't awful. They're more like the good-natured stereotype of Hillbillies. Trucker hat, trailer, sour mash whiskey, a beat-up truck. Okay, these aren't terrible.

This, on the other hand, does nothing to dispel the idea that all Southerners are backwards, dumbass, inbred hicks. Merry Redneck Christmas? What, pray tell, makes a Redneck Christmas? I bet it involves an elderly female family member being decapitated by one of Santa's reindeer.

Google search: gambling christmas ornament

When I think of people who were named Matthew and still go by Matthew (instead of Matt or Matty) I think of children under the age of 8. What kind of adult man goes by Matthew? That's like an adult Christopher or Bradley. Ergo, I will imagine this poker chip ornament is meant for a child, which also makes me imagine a 6-year-old with a crippling gambling addiction, which is hilarious, so this ornament is less-lame than I thought.

Back the truck up. So he's the Gambling King (not to be confused with the king-King?) and it's a fish and Elvis and also a woman? Or the fish was born with a belt and sideburns? I am so confused? Who is the target market for this ornament? Gambling-addicts who live in Nevada and love Elvis memorabillia and anthropomophasizing dead celebrities as cross-dressers? Oh yeah, and I totally forgot that it has dice in its hair. Wtf.

Google search: food christmas ornament
We've all seen food ornaments before; I myself have a pickle ornament and a family of peas in a pod. I would also consider putting up an ornament of pizza, a taco, or a cereal box. But never have I ever considered putting up an ornament that resembles the food pyramid as a clever joke about over-eating and/or poor eating habits. Chocolate is a food group? Who thought of this? This is the kind of bland, inoffensive humor that just makes me cringe. And speaking of cringing in a totally different way...

Oh gross, that doesn't even look like spaghetti!!! It looks like the stuff that comes out when you squeeze a particularly massive zit. Also, I think I might make 'GOTTA HAVE PASTA' my new catchphrase.

A hot dog is never a good idea. Just hang up a penis ornament instead.

Google search: sports christmas ornament

Awww, lord love a duck. I treasure the culture that considers a gamer an athlete. 2020 Olympic Games, baby!

There's definitely a Granny or an out-of-touch stepmom that is looking at this ornament and thinking "I know that Evan likes to skate-board. I think he'd really get a kick out of this!" and meanwhile, cut across town to Evan sitting on a skateboard and doing whippets behind the 7-11 in an AFI t-shirt with his friends Cardboard and Nut-grab.

Name: probably Shelly or Peggy
Message: seriously, jet-skiing isn't a sport, and it's no longer the 90s, so you should probably sell your Wave-Racer
Date: probably not since High School :( Wamp waaaaamp

Google search: alien christmas ornament

Funny - the expression of disgust on those aliens is the same one I have when I look at this picture.

Google search: goth christmas ornament

This is supposed to be a Medusa-inspired ornament. All I see is a craft-store skull covered in dryer lint and the shit I pull out of my vaccuum head when it clogs up.

In some parts of the country, the words 'death' and 'the trash' are inter-changeable.

Google search: horror movie christmas ornament
I know! This is clearly an Airplane! tree ornament (kind of awesome) and to the best of my knowledge, Airplane! has never been considered a horror film. I guess it was sort-of horrific that Leslie Neilsen passed away, but that has nothing to do with the movie and more with life in general.

Google search: unborn fetus christmas ornament

YES WE ARE LOOKING AT A FETUS WITH AN AK-47. Nightmares, you're welcome!

Google search: crappy christmas ornament

Well, at least the people who made this Dale Earnhart pit-crew ornament knew what they were doing. PS - doesn't this ornament look like it was painted in a kid's ceramic class at the Y?

Google search: dead celebrity christmas ornament


Obviously this has nothing to do with any celebrity, living or dead. But really? What kind of person loves the nudist lifestyle so much that they need to decorate their home with images of it? This is as obnoxious as a vegan ornament, an Obama-is-a-Muslim ornament, and an ornament for those people who save their kid's placentas and have a tree-planting ceremony with it.

Google search: in memoriam christmas ornament

Okay, so let's pretend a loved one has recently passed away (Leslie Neilsen) and you want to have them in your hearts this Christmas. Sure, I get it. This ornament is a tasteful way to pay homage to that person: nice and simple, a little religious but whatever, who it is (awww, RIP Aunt Mary). Anything that deviates from this is flat-out weird.

For example, a pewter ornament with a picture of Great Gramma Agnes watching you while you open up your Bath and Bodyworks showergel gift-pack and gift card to Target. Miss you, G-maw! See you at tha Crossroads! But really, how creepy is that poem?
I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear
I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year.
Gramma died and left Grampa Jim, and now she's up in heaving boning Jesus. AWKWARD.

Also an awkward time to find out that Grandpa (government name?) decided to come out to you via a burnished-wood Christmas ornament. Wait! Grandpa's not gay, he's just bi-curious! Also weird to think about: Jesus seems to be spending a lot of time with deceased seniors this year.

Those we love don't go away
They walk beside us everyday
Something tells me that if Tony Charles Townsend was allowed to write his own ornament, he'd pick something that involves partying, beer bongs, and bad-ass sideways hats.

Yarp :( This one is just sad, especially since this year would have been Samantha Rose's 30th birthday.

Searches that yielded no results: drug addict christmas ornament, which (in retrospect) is probably for the best.

12.08.2010

It's that time again!

It's the holiday season! Remember when I used to make people Christmas cards and mail them out, and then I got lazy and stopped, then I regretted it because I effing LOVE drawing Christmas cards for people and mailing them out? What? Exactly. So this year, 2010, I will be returning to the grand old days of yore when I used to draw Christmas/Holiday cards for people. And just like days of yore, you ask me to draw whatever you want, and I'll do it! For instance, if you were my sister, you might ask for a drawing of a joke your ex-boyfriend's Grandmother told one Christmas. It might look a little something like this:

Click to make big. Trust, you'll want to see all the painstakingly beautiful details.

In case you're curious, the story goes as follows:
My sister was at her ex-boyfriend's house for a Christmas party and his old Grandmaw comes up to my sister and goes "Would you like to hear a joke?" Obviously my sister says yes, and then she says "I just got a new tattoo. Would you like to see it?" Assuming that she is in the throwes of Dementia, and has forgotten that she just asked my sister if she'd like to hear a joke, my sister says yes, she'd love to see her new tattoo. So the Grandmaw goes "it's a tattoo of a little mouse and I got it on my hip....let's see if I can't find it for you" and she's pulling at her shirt and the waistband of her pants looking for this mouse tattoo that can't be found and she goes "Oh! My pussy ate it!" and my sister laughs a little to break the ice but inside she is SCREAMING AND WINCING WITH EMBARRASSMENT. She was so grossed out to hear an octogenarian use the words "my pussy" in a sentence that she was scarred for life. Luckily for me, I wasn't there, so I get to enjoy the story second-hand. Anyways, the first panel is pretty much what happened, and the second panel is how we both imagine the scenario went down. It's magic.

All I ask is that you ask for something relatively festive. Some cards in the past have included:

- Cats decorating a Christmas tree
- Santa boxing Jesus
- Jesus as a hacky-sack playing hippie
- A Christmas portrait of Tyra Banks's massive forehead

And all I need from you is your mailing address. That's it! It's free and it's fun. Plus, you then have a fabulous illustration to place upon your hearth or fridge (probably fridge).

So if you want a home-made Christmas card by me, The Mayor, send your mailing address to: skipraid@gmail.com. As always, your address will never be published and your email is deleted the minute I write your name on the envelope, so don't expect a bunch of weird porno showing up in your mailbox or the feds parking a white unmarked van outside your house.

12.04.2010

Florida: The Forgotten Gems

Okay, so in going through all my pictures, of course I was bound to forget some. And, as usual, I managed to forget the best ones! Well, best may be pushing it - let's just say they're not complete duds.
While we were in any designated Disney area (ie. the Disney area of the airport, our resort, Disney shuttles, etc) we created a term for the dad you see in the upper-left of the picture wearing a Goofy shirt: NMs, or Neutered Males. It's more tragic than a dog in a wheelchair following The Elephant Man; it's when a man gets married, becomes a father, and is forced to wear jean shorts and Disney character shirts. This particular NM is wearing a shirt that makes it look like he has been Frankenstein'ed into a terrible, disgusting human/Goofy hybrid. On the back it said something like "Dawson Family Vay-cay 2010!!!" which actually makes it even more sad. His wife (presumably, since the look on his face shows a hopelessness usually associated with severe depression and regret) made their whole family t-shirts and associated each family member with a Disney character. I can only imagine her sitting at home on her computer planning the t-shirts on the Walmart website (she's definitely on dial-up too) going "Oh my god, Bill is DEFINITELY Goofy! How many times have I seen him trip over his pyjama bottoms on his way to the bathroom?! Oh lord Sheila, you have REALLY outdone yourself this time!!!" Meanwhile, Bill is in the garage with a stolen Sears catalogue, staining the lingerie section with his salty, salty tears.

While we were waiting for our flight to Orlando, I caught a glimpse of this ravishing man sitting mere feet away from us. What you don't get in this picture is how full and thick that moustache was; I really should have taken a profile-picture so you could see how far off his face that thing grows. I asked him if I could take a picture and he replied so non-chalantly that I assumed he gets this all the time. Wife-of-Moustache confirmed for me that he gets asked all the time for pictures, something she and his kids hate; they apparently want him to shave it off. I say, get bent, Moustache-man's Kids! He has a face built for a push-broom and he needs to show it off.

Remember in The Simpson's Episode 4F04 "A Millhouse Divided" when Marge tells Bart that, because he's had such a good trip to the dentist, she's going to make Butterscotch Chicken? And remember when you heard that for the first time and you laughed and were so grossed out at such an implausable thing? Yeah, apparently The Cheesecake Factory lives in an America where there ain't no such word as "caint". Caramel Chicken exists.

YOU NEED TO CLICK THIS TO SEE IT BIG!!! I ripped this out of a tourist newspaper in Orlando and I desperately want to frame this. Christmas. Pirates. We drove by the Pirates Adventure building/restaurant/dank abandoned-looking building and just naturally assumed that no one would want to go to such a crappy evening of swashbuckling sadness, so the higher-ups needed to add some pizazz. The natural way to jazz up a flagging attraction is to make it Christmas-themed, right? Anyways, I love the descriptions:

Tis the season for ADVENTURE! Yeah, that's what I usually think of when I reminisce on the Hannukah/Christmas season.

Yo Ho Ho Merry Christmas! Get it? Santa says Ho Ho Ho, but Pirates say Yo Ho Ho. This is cleary a match made in copywriting history.

...the perfect blend of comedy, action, and romance. That makes it sound super-lame. And really, romance? Does one of the pirates fall in love with Mrs. Clause or something?

...a Yuletide tradition you and your crew will always treasure! I have a better feeling that it will become one of those things your family will joke about for decades aka "Hey, remember when Dad took us to that shitty Christmas Pirate show?!?"

And finally, are you looking at that grown-ass elf in the top right corner? That guy is the stuff nightmares are made of! I'm scared! Bald Pirate King, take me away from this place!