12.14.2010

Dumb Christmas Tree Ornaments

First things first, I'm wrapping up Round 1 of Skip-raid Christmas Cards, and it's not too late to put in a request for one! Even last minute, I can have it to you before (or somewhere near) Christmas. So email today, and get a hand-drawn card. I must say, some of your requests have been truly amazing. My best work, so far. Moving on...

This weekend I held a little Christmas cuddle party (ABSOLUTELY JOKING) at my house and asked people to bring me an ornament for my tree. I honestly thought my friends would make me tree ornaments out of balled-up tissues or ripped pieces of underwear, but instead they actually brought really beautiful pretty ornaments. Tears! I'm not sure why I assumed they would bring crap; I have really nice friends, after all. So I thought I might Google crappy ornaments and see what comes up.

Google search: redneck christmas ornament

This isn't that terrible; it's a guy riding around on one of those beer-cooler-with-a-lawnmower-motor scooters which, in itself, is actually a pretty good idea when you live in a trailer park and need to get to and fro without a license. Also I love the ennui in that guy's face; it's like he knows this is as good as his life will get.

This is kind of weird because the person who cannot afford a decent Christmas tree (or stay sober long enough to put one up) probably had a wedding that looked exactly like this ornamental couple, which means that they would either a) find this ornament insulting or b) ask why you chose to get them this rather than a 6-pack, or both. On the other side of the coin is the kind of person who would find this ornament funny to laugh at but wouldn't buy it because they would be embarrassed by how cheap it looks. So really, who would actually buy this ornament and put it on their tree?
In the event you are having difficulty reading this baby's t-shirt, it says Redneck Baby, and yes - those are Billy-Bob teeth in the baby's mouth. Either that, or the baby has terrible dental hygiene at an alarmingly young age. Giving this ornament to someone, or buying it for yourself and placing it on an evergreen branch essentially says "Yeah, my baby's an uneducated fucked-up. Deal with it, asshole!" And really, isn't that what the Yuletide is all about?

These...aren't awful. They're more like the good-natured stereotype of Hillbillies. Trucker hat, trailer, sour mash whiskey, a beat-up truck. Okay, these aren't terrible.

This, on the other hand, does nothing to dispel the idea that all Southerners are backwards, dumbass, inbred hicks. Merry Redneck Christmas? What, pray tell, makes a Redneck Christmas? I bet it involves an elderly female family member being decapitated by one of Santa's reindeer.

Google search: gambling christmas ornament

When I think of people who were named Matthew and still go by Matthew (instead of Matt or Matty) I think of children under the age of 8. What kind of adult man goes by Matthew? That's like an adult Christopher or Bradley. Ergo, I will imagine this poker chip ornament is meant for a child, which also makes me imagine a 6-year-old with a crippling gambling addiction, which is hilarious, so this ornament is less-lame than I thought.

Back the truck up. So he's the Gambling King (not to be confused with the king-King?) and it's a fish and Elvis and also a woman? Or the fish was born with a belt and sideburns? I am so confused? Who is the target market for this ornament? Gambling-addicts who live in Nevada and love Elvis memorabillia and anthropomophasizing dead celebrities as cross-dressers? Oh yeah, and I totally forgot that it has dice in its hair. Wtf.

Google search: food christmas ornament
We've all seen food ornaments before; I myself have a pickle ornament and a family of peas in a pod. I would also consider putting up an ornament of pizza, a taco, or a cereal box. But never have I ever considered putting up an ornament that resembles the food pyramid as a clever joke about over-eating and/or poor eating habits. Chocolate is a food group? Who thought of this? This is the kind of bland, inoffensive humor that just makes me cringe. And speaking of cringing in a totally different way...

Oh gross, that doesn't even look like spaghetti!!! It looks like the stuff that comes out when you squeeze a particularly massive zit. Also, I think I might make 'GOTTA HAVE PASTA' my new catchphrase.

A hot dog is never a good idea. Just hang up a penis ornament instead.

Google search: sports christmas ornament

Awww, lord love a duck. I treasure the culture that considers a gamer an athlete. 2020 Olympic Games, baby!

There's definitely a Granny or an out-of-touch stepmom that is looking at this ornament and thinking "I know that Evan likes to skate-board. I think he'd really get a kick out of this!" and meanwhile, cut across town to Evan sitting on a skateboard and doing whippets behind the 7-11 in an AFI t-shirt with his friends Cardboard and Nut-grab.

Name: probably Shelly or Peggy
Message: seriously, jet-skiing isn't a sport, and it's no longer the 90s, so you should probably sell your Wave-Racer
Date: probably not since High School :( Wamp waaaaamp

Google search: alien christmas ornament

Funny - the expression of disgust on those aliens is the same one I have when I look at this picture.

Google search: goth christmas ornament

This is supposed to be a Medusa-inspired ornament. All I see is a craft-store skull covered in dryer lint and the shit I pull out of my vaccuum head when it clogs up.

In some parts of the country, the words 'death' and 'the trash' are inter-changeable.

Google search: horror movie christmas ornament
I know! This is clearly an Airplane! tree ornament (kind of awesome) and to the best of my knowledge, Airplane! has never been considered a horror film. I guess it was sort-of horrific that Leslie Neilsen passed away, but that has nothing to do with the movie and more with life in general.

Google search: unborn fetus christmas ornament

YES WE ARE LOOKING AT A FETUS WITH AN AK-47. Nightmares, you're welcome!

Google search: crappy christmas ornament

Well, at least the people who made this Dale Earnhart pit-crew ornament knew what they were doing. PS - doesn't this ornament look like it was painted in a kid's ceramic class at the Y?

Google search: dead celebrity christmas ornament


Obviously this has nothing to do with any celebrity, living or dead. But really? What kind of person loves the nudist lifestyle so much that they need to decorate their home with images of it? This is as obnoxious as a vegan ornament, an Obama-is-a-Muslim ornament, and an ornament for those people who save their kid's placentas and have a tree-planting ceremony with it.

Google search: in memoriam christmas ornament

Okay, so let's pretend a loved one has recently passed away (Leslie Neilsen) and you want to have them in your hearts this Christmas. Sure, I get it. This ornament is a tasteful way to pay homage to that person: nice and simple, a little religious but whatever, who it is (awww, RIP Aunt Mary). Anything that deviates from this is flat-out weird.

For example, a pewter ornament with a picture of Great Gramma Agnes watching you while you open up your Bath and Bodyworks showergel gift-pack and gift card to Target. Miss you, G-maw! See you at tha Crossroads! But really, how creepy is that poem?
I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear
I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year.
Gramma died and left Grampa Jim, and now she's up in heaving boning Jesus. AWKWARD.

Also an awkward time to find out that Grandpa (government name?) decided to come out to you via a burnished-wood Christmas ornament. Wait! Grandpa's not gay, he's just bi-curious! Also weird to think about: Jesus seems to be spending a lot of time with deceased seniors this year.

Those we love don't go away
They walk beside us everyday
Something tells me that if Tony Charles Townsend was allowed to write his own ornament, he'd pick something that involves partying, beer bongs, and bad-ass sideways hats.

Yarp :( This one is just sad, especially since this year would have been Samantha Rose's 30th birthday.

Searches that yielded no results: drug addict christmas ornament, which (in retrospect) is probably for the best.

2 comments:

ilana said...

Can you honestly tell me that if we'd brought you the 'redneck wedding' ornament rather than 'copper reindeer cookie cutter' you wouldn't have been equally excited?

Anonymous said...

I found this for you, it's a Sobriety Snowflake ornamnet. Not quite addict but on the same level

http://www.zazzle.ca/sobriety_snowflake_ornament-175330733958907462

And MORE: http://thefourthdimensionisnow.com/aa_alcoholics_anonymous_recovery_ornaments.html

MK