Florida: The Forgotten Gems

Okay, so in going through all my pictures, of course I was bound to forget some. And, as usual, I managed to forget the best ones! Well, best may be pushing it - let's just say they're not complete duds.
While we were in any designated Disney area (ie. the Disney area of the airport, our resort, Disney shuttles, etc) we created a term for the dad you see in the upper-left of the picture wearing a Goofy shirt: NMs, or Neutered Males. It's more tragic than a dog in a wheelchair following The Elephant Man; it's when a man gets married, becomes a father, and is forced to wear jean shorts and Disney character shirts. This particular NM is wearing a shirt that makes it look like he has been Frankenstein'ed into a terrible, disgusting human/Goofy hybrid. On the back it said something like "Dawson Family Vay-cay 2010!!!" which actually makes it even more sad. His wife (presumably, since the look on his face shows a hopelessness usually associated with severe depression and regret) made their whole family t-shirts and associated each family member with a Disney character. I can only imagine her sitting at home on her computer planning the t-shirts on the Walmart website (she's definitely on dial-up too) going "Oh my god, Bill is DEFINITELY Goofy! How many times have I seen him trip over his pyjama bottoms on his way to the bathroom?! Oh lord Sheila, you have REALLY outdone yourself this time!!!" Meanwhile, Bill is in the garage with a stolen Sears catalogue, staining the lingerie section with his salty, salty tears.

While we were waiting for our flight to Orlando, I caught a glimpse of this ravishing man sitting mere feet away from us. What you don't get in this picture is how full and thick that moustache was; I really should have taken a profile-picture so you could see how far off his face that thing grows. I asked him if I could take a picture and he replied so non-chalantly that I assumed he gets this all the time. Wife-of-Moustache confirmed for me that he gets asked all the time for pictures, something she and his kids hate; they apparently want him to shave it off. I say, get bent, Moustache-man's Kids! He has a face built for a push-broom and he needs to show it off.

Remember in The Simpson's Episode 4F04 "A Millhouse Divided" when Marge tells Bart that, because he's had such a good trip to the dentist, she's going to make Butterscotch Chicken? And remember when you heard that for the first time and you laughed and were so grossed out at such an implausable thing? Yeah, apparently The Cheesecake Factory lives in an America where there ain't no such word as "caint". Caramel Chicken exists.

YOU NEED TO CLICK THIS TO SEE IT BIG!!! I ripped this out of a tourist newspaper in Orlando and I desperately want to frame this. Christmas. Pirates. We drove by the Pirates Adventure building/restaurant/dank abandoned-looking building and just naturally assumed that no one would want to go to such a crappy evening of swashbuckling sadness, so the higher-ups needed to add some pizazz. The natural way to jazz up a flagging attraction is to make it Christmas-themed, right? Anyways, I love the descriptions:

Tis the season for ADVENTURE! Yeah, that's what I usually think of when I reminisce on the Hannukah/Christmas season.

Yo Ho Ho Merry Christmas! Get it? Santa says Ho Ho Ho, but Pirates say Yo Ho Ho. This is cleary a match made in copywriting history.

...the perfect blend of comedy, action, and romance. That makes it sound super-lame. And really, romance? Does one of the pirates fall in love with Mrs. Clause or something?

...a Yuletide tradition you and your crew will always treasure! I have a better feeling that it will become one of those things your family will joke about for decades aka "Hey, remember when Dad took us to that shitty Christmas Pirate show?!?"

And finally, are you looking at that grown-ass elf in the top right corner? That guy is the stuff nightmares are made of! I'm scared! Bald Pirate King, take me away from this place!

1 comment:

Killurmonkey said...

for some reason i want that elf to be played by adam sandler.