Florida, Last Part: All The Rest

So I haven't posted anything since November 8th (Whaaaa?!?!?) and I have no excuse except that I was trying so so hard to go through all my pictures from my Florida trip and kept coming up short. Remember a long time ago when I mentioned that I was going to Disney World, and that I was so looking forward to writing about how  tacky and plastic Disney World was? Forget everything I said because it was FUCKING MAGICAL!!!! Seriously, it was the best vacation I have ever been on. The only shitty part was that It's a Small World was closed for repairs (fuck that, put those kids to work) but on the whole, I was mesmerized the whole time. So yeah, I drank the kool-aid, and I want to go back asap. We also went to Epcot, which was obviously very very fun, and Universal Studios Islands of Adventure, which is the best theme park in the world, so obviously it didn't disappoint. So in lieu of shots of Mickey hugging children with captions that read "Srsl, look at these tards" I'll show you some other stuff I found funny during my vacation. And if you don't like it, then go back and read about American Food, doye!

We flew from Buffalo NY to Orlando on Jet Blue. We chose Jet Blue because, like PT Barnum, I like showmanship, and no one puts on a "Fuck You, I Quit!"-show quite like Jet Blue. Unforch, no one quit mid-flight on our plane, so we were stuck with 30+ channels of satellite TV (not bad) and our choice of mini chocolate chip cookies or pretzels. Also this time I didn't barf all over the plane's bathroom and get publicly called-out by the Georgian flight attendant (please see last year's trip to Florida). But seriously, she got on the intercom and went "Axe-cuse me. Someone use the bat-room and got sick all over the place. So, watch yourselves cause I don't know who would have gotten sick all up in this plane" (cut to her giving me the Monique-eye and one of those mm-hm head-wiggles). Anyways, I thought it was very cute that Jet Blue changed its name to Jet Boo. Very clever, you guys!

Well isn't this all kinds of sad? Jet Blue (excuse me, Boo) had spider webs and was haunted as all hell, and here's Continental just farting Halloween all over the damn place. Plus, how easy is it to change their name to Haunt-inental or Continen-spell or something? God, seriously you guys, take a lap, you're done here.

Okay, so we get to Orlando and make our way to the most magical place on Earth; The Mears Shuttles!!!! They're these 1920's looking motor coaches that take you to the Disney resort you're staying at. We were at Disney's Animal Kingdom Lodge (WHICH WAS AMAZING BECAUSE GIRAFFES WOULD COME AND SAY HELLO TO US ALL THE TIME) so we decided to take said free shuttle. Oooh, I hope it's magical!!!

Liars. Never have I seen such misuse of an adjective as I did with 'magical'. This was the opposite of magic; it was tragic (ooooh, see what I did there? Puns). It also sucked cause I went with my bf and we don't have kids, so everyone kept looking at us trying to figure out who was helping who.

Luckily this grown-ass man wearing an Adam Lambert concert t-shirt took most of the attention away from us. Note: you can't see it in the picture, but yes - those are zippered-at-the-knee cargo shorts

At Disney, we went on almost all the rides. Somethings we didn't cause we were too big (Dumbo's Magic Ride or whatever its called) or because they were broke (Teacups, It's a Small World) but the one I like the most is the Bear Country Jamboree. It's kid of like the Chuck-E-Cheez band but with a larger budget and more jugs. Inside the waiting hall there are paintings of all the bears in the Jamberoo and this one is my favourite.

In the Magic Kingdom, they have a little stand in the Adventure pavilion (or whatever it's called - where the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse and the Enchanted Tiki Room is) and they sell these things called Dole Whips. It's pineapple soft-serve in Dole pineapple juice. They're served in a plastic pint glass and I ate 2 OF THEM. They were so good and tangy and sweet and perfect on a hot night. There is a picture of me sweaty and greasy and tucking into my second, but that picture will NEVER see the light of day on this site.

This little plaque is on all the rides. Doesn't that father-and-son look like they're having a blast in the second panel? Also, who holds hands on a ride? Weirdos, that's who.

On to Universal. Since Universal is effing incredible, the only things to make fun of came from the gift shop. This shirt makes no sense to me. The Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2's main audience is children aged 3 to 6. Scarface's main audience is...not 3 year olds. PLEASE TELL ME WHO IS BUYING THIS SHIRT?!?!?!

Okay, these are adorable. It's a keychain and on one side is Peter Parker/Bruce Banner and the other side it's Spiderman/The Hulk. They were so cute. They also had a cute version of The Punisher, Wolverine, and Captain America. Again...who are they trying to sell these to? I think that most of the people who find these badorable really aren't hue Stan Lee fans.


Moving on from Cathy's fat ass staring at us from above, we're now at Epcot. Here's the thing with Epcot: it's 1/2 The Future/Technology/Space Exploration/Etc Etc and 1/2 Countries of the World. Both are executed perfectly. Everything in the countries of the world area is so authentic-looking, but I was sure it was a trap. Surely Mexicans are coming to Epcot and frowning and shaking their heads in shame at the piss-poor recreation of Messico. So I thought "the best way for me to accurately judge this place is to visit the Canada pavillion". This was the little Canada food stand (there's a restaurant too, but for now we'll focus on the Bluth's Banana Stand here). This house is pretty much Canada in a nutshell. Even if you visit subdivisions, they try to re-create this wood-and-stone look. My parents house up north is kind of like this.

This was the menu. It was just booze and popcorn. Popcorn isn't that huge of a thing in Canada, but yeah, I guess so. We like popcorn, sure. The Coca-Cola bottle carved to look like First Nations art? Yeah, I like it. The beer is very very Canadian: Moosehead, Moosehead Light, and Labatt Blue. The only thing more Canadian is if they had Keiths or Lakeport, but the Canada venue is sponsored by Moosehead, so it makes sense. The Torontopolitan is something I would never, ever in my life drink (vodka, creme de cassis, triple sec, and cranberry) but I would DEFINITELY see 905'ers drinking that (Toronto's area code is 416. The area surrounding Toronto is 905. I think you can see what I'm getting at here).

So we went during the food and wine festival, and they had these little food stands up everywhere. Canada's sampling is very true to Canada. Let's go through them:
- Cheddar cheese soup (yeah sure, I guess you find that in a lot of restaurants. Also we do make good cheese)
- Maple glazed salmon (check and check! Everyone in Canada eats a shit-ton of salmon, and we like to glaze our foods with maple)
- Chicken chipotle sausage (FAIL. We discovered chipotle the same way Americans did: through Appleees and TGI Fridays)
- Nanaimo bar (the only way they could have found a more Canadian dessert would be to simply sell a giant tin of maple syrup wrapped in a beaver pelt). In case you don't know what a Nanaimo bar is, I've covered it before here.

Everyone at the different countries all wear theme-y costumes. This was the Canadian costume. Buffalo check shirt? Check. Brown Carhartt-style bottoms? Check. Shoes? Ignore those, they're not Disney issue. Cowboy hat? Check. The guys were wearing the same shirt with brown work pants and SWEET JESUS THEY NEED TO DE-HOT THEM. They had, by far, the hottest looking guys in the park. It was like they did held a job fair at a tree planting site in B.C. Who had the hottest girls? Easy, it was Germany. But anyways, so I ask this girl if I can take a picture and she gives me this Ghost World attitude and I was like "yep, that's Canada". Here's the thing - Americans are all "omg Canadians are SOOOO nice and sweet and helpful!" But Canadians are all "Fuck America, I am ONLY posing for a picture cause there's a good chance you'll rat me out to my boss, but I don't give a Mighty Ducks Flying V if you want me to smile". I told her we were from Toronto, which only made it worse, since 99% of Canada hates people from Toronto. I asked her where she was from and she told me Welland, ON. Which is....gross, to say the least. It's not a swell town, but what can you do? She's living the life in Epcot, so she wins.

In the Japan section of Epcot, the main draw is a huuuuuuuuge Japanese store (in Canada, it's a 360-degree film about Canada starring Martin Short). They had the best stuff at the Japanese store, which goes without saying. These little Shiba-inus move their tail JUST BEACUSE. No batteries. I think they are powered by love and children's laughter. I died. I took a video of it and watch it all the time.

Alright, on to Target! I couldn't believe that there wasn't that much to make fun of in Florida, but I guess it's because we were in the wrong part. Orlando is all visitors with a bit of money, so you're not going to see a 28-year-old shopping with her pregnant 13-year-old for Natty Light and Target-brand Chocolate Syrup. But I did see this fascinating lady! Look at how well she matches the colours in the store. God himself truly put her there.

I thought I've seen Calvin urinating on almost everything, and now I can cross "Calvin pissing on John Kerry's name" off my bucket list. But wait, that's not Calvin; it looks like disgraced former President of the United States George W Bush. Um....what? I'm not sure. But the one thing I am very sure about is that the guy who owns this truck probably thinks Obama is a Muslim.

Oh, poor Sea World. You try and you try and you try, but no one wants to visit you :(

And lastly, we have the poster that was hung up in the elevator of our third and final hotel in Orlando. IT'S PIZZA!!! This poster is perfect, you can't change a damn thing about it.


alex davey said...

bahaha I was actually laughing out loud for 1/3 this post. Good job. Riddled with spelling errors. Edit this bitch up!
And Why no photos of hot Canadian boys? And Welland is a bit of a dank hole, just don't tell Katie.

Katie Hinks said...

Katie is not impressed by this post.