1.27.2011

2011 Oscar Nods (I HATE THAT WORD) and some film-based porn titles

But I do love any chance to post a picture of Daniel Desario, so there's that. Okay, so it's that time again - time to pretend you care about movies and that you're cultured and whatnot and get excited about a bogus awards ceremony that pats very rich, very attractive white people on the back for a jillion hours (well...more like 5). I know I sound like a smarmy bitch, but in all actuality, I will definitely end up watching all 5 hours of that shit and care and then pout when someone I like doesn't win. LIKE IT MATTERS?!?!?!? Anyways, I did sort-of care when the 83rd Academy Awards nominations came out, so let's take a look and see what made it, what didn't, and who got screwed (RYAN GOSLING!!! Also, I was about to make a "I'd let Ryan Gosling screw me"-joke, but I am far too classy to go there. Also, it's difficult to crack a joke like that while you're weeping in the shower over the cold, hard fact that you will never marry Ryan Gosling. Jesus, are you listening to me? I need to up my dosage of cheeseburgers. Drop down and eatcha feelings, girl!)

BEST PICTURE
Ugh, are we still doing this Nominate Any and Everything and Hope Something Sticks business? Apparently we are. I'm surprised they didn't just throw an extra 4 in there to confuse people. Okay, here are the 10 Best movies of the year (groan):

127 Hours
I didn't see this, but my friends did and they said it was like a 2-hour Mountain Dew commercial. JAMES FRANCO 2 THE X-TREME!! DO THE DEW!! CUT OFF YR ARMZ!!

Black Swan
If you read The Skip-Raid, you know that I just about DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT when I saw Black Swan. Obviously, it was hazmat-azing. I think that if the Academy could have only nominated 5 films for Best Picture, this would definitely be on that 5-list. I hope this wins. It won't win, but I'll keep the faith like a 1920's bootblack. Gee whiz, you just gotta win, Mr. Aronofsky, you just gotta!

The Fighter
Didn't watch. Don't care. The only boxing I like to see Marky Mark doing is with the Funky Bunch in the video for Good Vibrations.

Inception
OBVIOUSLY amazing, but is it the kind of thing that will still be awesome 50 years from now? Probably not. I can only see the look of sheer boredom on my custom GRANDCHILD-BOT3000 when I tell them we're going to cyber-view Inception to make Grandma happy. Will this movie win Best Picture? Of course not! It was way too confusing for most people, and when it comes down to it, the Best Picture is always just a movie about a guy/girl being like "UGH, LIFE! AM I RIGHT?" (Whereas Inception is more like "UGH, DREAMS! PENGUIN SANDWICH WOODGRAIN, AM I BLARG?"

The Kids Are All Right
Did not see this movie, but I actually wanted to. It seemed sort-of adorable. Who wouldn't want Annette Bening and Julianne Moore as your moms? Who wouldn't want Mark Ruffalo as your sperm-donor-dad? It won't win (mostly because it seems less like a movie and more like an NBC pilot) but it's cute that a movie like that was nominated.

The King's Speech
Again, did not see, but everyone who I know that saw it said it was awesome. Okay, sure. It seems a little TL:DW (too long:didn't watch) for me, but maybe I'll see it (spoiler: no I wont).

The Social Network
This movie is obviously going to win because a) people like boring movies and b) the Academy voters are all made up of 50-somethings who just discovered Facebook, so they'll think they're being hip and cool by choosing this as Best Picture. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was a pretty awesome movie. But let's think about it this way: if The Social Network had been made 8 years ago, it would have starred Tobey McGuire, Julia Stiles, and Sean William Scott. So, yeah, exactly.

Toy Story 3
What? Um, okay, I guess. Fuck me, I'm not going to make ANY friends by saying this, but Toy Story 3 was not as good as people think it was. I KNOW, I'M A NO-HEART ASSHOLE! But really, it's just a cute elegy for youth and growing up. I mean, Jesus, the movie had Michael Keaton as a Ken Doll for chrissakes.

True Grit
AWE-SUM. I effing loved this movie. I would die if it won Best Picture, because everyone in it is tough and fucking nails, but it won't win. The sads. It's just not Best Thing You've Seen All Year-good. Black Swan was way better.

Winter's Bone
My mom saw this movie and she went effing crazy for it. She told me it was mega-depressing and crazy and so so good. I still have to see it, because she promised me lots of meth-heads. Oh, and an excellent story, of course. I kind of like this pick because it is such an underdog. Really, who the hell do you know that went to see Winter's Bone. I know, right? Thank god my mom lives near a movie theatre up north that shows decent movies (and then she tells me about them, and then I feel bad for spending $14 on Hot Tub Time Machine).

BITCH GOT ROBBED: Um, I'm sorry, where the hell is Blue Valentine?!?!?! Seriously, that was one of the most important movies I have seen in a long time. And didn't people like Shutter Island? Was I the only one?

BEST ACTOR
This list is so weird. It reads like a People's 50 Most Beautiful Hotties list:

Javier Bardem, Biutiful
What movie? Huh? Shouldn't appearing in Eat, Pray, Love automatically disqualify someone from being nominated for Best Actor?

Jeff Bridges, True Grit
He won last year, he's not going to win this year. Sowwy. But how shitty is that, eh? He wins last year for that poo-filled-diaper known as Crazy Heart, but this year he's probably going to lose to Colin Firth, even though Rooster Cogburn was the better role for him.

Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
To quote John McEnroe: You CANNOT be serious. I honestly cannot believe he was nominated. All he did was act like Abed from Community for 2 hours. Oh well, he won't win because...

Colin Firth, The King's Speech
Can we just give Colin Firth the award now? Is that poor form?

James Franco, 127 Hours
Shit, see my note on Javier Bardem.

BITCH GOT ROBBED:
No Paul Giamatti? Come on! He's adorable!! How can you not nominate that guy? But, hello, bigger picture: WHERE'S MAH BOO RYAN BABY-SWAN? Seriously, is he not super amazing? Can we not all agree that he acts the shit out of everything? Would I definitely let him rent the Future Room for us? (Inside joke, unless you've seen Blue Valentine, in which case you can step off, cause I'm the only one he's taking to the Future Room. You can have Cupid's Cabana, or whatever). Ugh, let's just watch this and feel better.

BEST ACTRESS
This list isn't terrible. I mean, remember when Winona Ryder was nominated for an Oscar? Yeah, exactly. I'm going to grade this group against one of my favourite Best Actresses from last year, Gabourey Sidibe (PRECIOUS FOR LIFE!!)

Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right
While I didn't see this movie, I do know that Annette Bening plays a Woman in Comfortable Shoes (my Dad's term, but I like it, so I'm using it), and since she looks like pretty much every gym teacher, women's studies Prof, and show dog trainer I have ever seen, I'm going to say that she plays a convincing lesbian without being over-the-top (ie: a softball player). But, was there ever a scene where she get's pregnant by her own father? Nope, didn't think so. This year's not your year, Annette.

Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
In Rabbit Hole, Nicole Kidman plays a mother who's little boy dies and she needs to grieve or whatever. Does her character ever try to get her GED in the shitty NYC public school system of the 1980s? Exactly. Not your year, Botoxy.

Jennifer Lawrence, Winter's Bone
From what I gather, Jennifer Lawrence (also the name of one of my friends, coincidentally) is a girl who lives in the Ozarks and has to raiser her brothers and sisters because their parents are a) dead or b) on shitloads of meth or c) both. I have been told one scene involves her swimming underwater to cut off someone's arm. Sheeeit, Precious never had to cut off nobody's arm. This is a tie (but she won't win anyways).

Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Nina Sayers makes Precious look like Wayne Brady. Again, let's just give her the Oscar now.

Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine
Precious never fell in love with a deadbeat and then wished she wasn't married to him, but she did have a dad that treated her family like crap. But did Precious ever have a boyfriend who came to her work and beat up her boss? No? Hmmm, tough one. Michelle should win, but won't, because no one can ever forget that she was in Dawson's Creek.

BITCH GOT ROBBED: I dunno, did anyone really get robbed? I bet that Julianne Moore probably could have been nominated (because she's good in everything). And Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit wasn't nominated as Best Actress even though she was in True Grit for every minute of the movie, but we'll hear more about her later.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Really, there aren't any stand-outs this year. Remember how last year Vegas Odds on Christoph Waltz were like 1:10 or something (is that good? I dunno. Basically he had it in the bag). Well, this year we have 5 actors in very ho-hum performances:

Christian Bale, The Fighter
I like him better as Batman. NEXT!

John Hawkes,Winter's Bone
I don't know who he is. Is he the meth-dad from Winter's Bone? NEXT!

Jeremy Renner, The Town
This was obviously the result of ballot-spoilers. NEXT!

Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right
Oooh, handsome, handsome Mark Ruffalo. Rrrrrrrr. So sessy. But not Oscar-material. NEXT!

Geoffrey Rush, The King's Speech
The idiot from Shine? NE...oh wait, he might win this.

BITCH GOT ROBBED: Matt Damon! He learned how to ride a horse for True Grit. That's got to be worth something, right?

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Now is a good time to remind these ladies that nobody wins when you're following in the footsteps of Mo'Nique's win last year. Sorry! It's like:
"Wow, this part was really really amazing and I acted so good in it and I totally deserved this."
- Mo'Nique: "I don't remember the scene where you tearily confess to a sans-fards Mariah Carey that your husband molested the crap out of your kid and you did nothing to stop it, and now you live in the ghetto and beat your kid as revenge for him knocking her up."
"Oh yeah....um....that didn't...SHIIIIIIT. I don't deserve this."

Amy Adams, The Fighter
Let me guess: Amy Adams wore cheap looking clothing and spoke really softly and had good hair and was all "I love you, you're so talented, but I'm so confused", right?

Helena Bonham Carter, The King's Speech
Um, it goes without saying that HBC is the Head Bitch in Charge for LIFE, so there's no arguing that she's amazing. She's not going to win, but she'll be fun to see at the ceremony.

Melissa Leo, The Fighter
Like Amy Adams, I'm sure that Melissa Leo wore cheap looking clothing and spoke really gruffly and had bad hair and was all "I love you, you're my son, but I'm so confused." Whatever, she'll probably win.

Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit
Normally, child actors bother me, but Hailee Steinfeld was like watching a very young adult, so it wasn't awful. I'd like to see her win, but I'd also like to see her have a career, so it's probably best she doesn't win this.

Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom
Um, WHO?

BITCH GOT ROBBED: Jackie from That 70s Show! She was so good in Black Swan and learned to dance ballet (they didn't need to use a body double for her). Also, she's SO GOOD and not an entitled bitch. She's the kind of person who would win and be like "WTF? An award for mees? Okay, I'll take!"

Anyways, it's now time for me to discuss the very real possibility that many of the films mentioned above might be turned into pornos to capitalize on their popularity. Hello, it's the American way. Anyways, last year we had such gems as:
Fresh-ass: Based on the novel Tush by Assfire, Ass-atar, Horny with a Chance of My Balls, The Pert Knockers, Sherlock Homos, The Lovely Boners, The Hind Side (of course these are just the Kabletown pornos from 30 Rock, but they're still good). Anyways, here are some I made up. Feel free to make up your own:

Winter's Boner
127 Whores
The Tighter
The Dicks are All Right
Insertion
The King's Splooge
True Tit


...and this just in, I'm a classless, classless person.

1.18.2011

9 hairstyles I definitely do not need to try before I die.

Earlier this week I stumbled upon an article from totalbeauty.com (I just can't with that name) called 9 Haircuts to Try Before You Die. This intrigued me, since I wasn't under the impression that there were certain ways in which my hair should be styled before the day I slip into the cold cloud of death's sweet embrace (I'm trying to make my death sound romantic now, because in all honesty, I'm probably going to end up choking on a cinnamon bun in a shitty mall food court).

Anyways, all in all, it's what you'd expect from a shitty online beauty article: lots of pictures, completely arbitrary descriptions of each style and why you need it, and then a "dare" rating. So like, a pony tail would be a one, but shaving your head would be a 5. Here's my question: is anyone actually, like for really-real scared of cutting their hair? I gave my friend a pair of scissors last night and told her to do what she thought would look best while eating potato chips and watching The Bachelor. I ended up with 3 inches off the bottom and it looks pretty good; I didn't even need to reference an outdated and hackneyed online beauty article. But BUT what if I want to dare myself to do something ca-ray-zee with my hair? OMG JENNIFER ANISTON ROMCOM ALERT!!! So in case you feel like your days are numbered, here are the hair cuts you need to try before you check-out:

The Pixie
Dare factor: 5
"Short hair might seem scary, but it's so … liberating! We love Carey Mulligan's blonde take on the Audrey Hepburn-esque pixie. While she wears it in a classic way, swept forward and pieced out with a little pomade, you could wear it slicked back or swept up for a glamorous yet edgy, heightened version. You could even dress it up with a jeweled barrette worn in the front."

Um, ew. Nothing about this hair cut sounds as adorable as their trying to make it. Also, Audrey Hepburn? CAN WE LET HER DIE AS A STYLE ICON ALREADY?!?! Seriously, it's like every boring girl with access to a style blog loooooves Audrey Hepburn (even though the only movie they can usually name is Breakfast at Tiffanys which, can we all agree on this? Isn't that good). Anyways, this hair cut is solely reliant on one thing to make it work: looking adorable. Unless you look like you live in a tree, have your hair brushed by helpful squirrels, and/or fart teeny-tiny marshmallow rainbows, then this look is NOT for you. Why? You'll end up looking like this:

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing if you're really into Jane Lynch. But remember - not all of us are going to look this good at 50, so keep that in mind.

The Angled Pixie-Bob
Dare factor: 4

"Gone are the days of the Katie Holmes graduated bob with blunt bangs; here are the days of Rihanna's edgy, pixie-ish take on the classic style. What really makes Rihanna's look trendy are the blonde pieces and the shaved portion on her left side; however, to make this a tad more feminine and natural, you could simply keep it one color and tell your stylist to lay off the clippers (think Michelle Williams). Either way, this look will always be a winner."

I'm sorry, but how is this a definable hair style? All I see is half-long, half-short, buzzed on the side (soooooo 2010) and massive chunks of Kelly Clarkson's circa-2006 dyejob. Also, Rihanna is known for being a lover of all things weave, so how am I supposed to take this picture into my stylist and go "Okay, so I definitely want it shaved. Give me a lethargic trim on one side and just leave the other. Oh, and throw in a massive curtain of weave on the left. You don't have black? Yeah, just use whatever you've got".

The Jackie-O
Dare factor: 1
"Salma Hayek is turning heads (as usual) with her flirty version of Jackie O's full, mid-length blowout. Great for naturally wavy hair types, this cut uses layers to lighten the weight of the hair everywhere except in the long bang area. Above all, volume is key to making this cut look best, so try pumping up your hair's density with these professional hair volumizing tricks, making sure to blow dry your bangs off to the side using a round brush."


Again, how is this a style? Isn't this just called "curling the ends under"? Am I wrong? And since when is this style called The Jackie-O? When I think of Jackie Onassis, I think of very mumsy looking hair. And also, how the hell is this a hair style I NEED to try before I die? Isn't this what most people's hair looks like right before they visit their hair dresser?

The Blunt Cut
Dare factor: 3
"While blunt bangs are always a fun trend to try, not everyone can pull them off. Instead, a simple, long blunt-cut bob with soft, side-swept bangs is a universally flattering blunt-cut style. When Naomi Watts made this subtle change to her already long, blonde style, everyone noticed. Great for naturally straight, medium to long hair, this style simply calls for a great flat iron and shine booster."


How did this hair cut score a 3 on the dare factor rating system? This is the most boring hair cut I have ever seen. "Ooooh, we dare you to get a trim if you have long straight hair! Better put the Suicide Hotline on speed-dial, cause this is gonna be TRAUMATIC".


Sexy Long Layers
Dare factor: 2
"Beyonce shows off side-swept bangs and long layers, as well as a two-toned ombre effect, half-light golden brown and half-dark chocolate brown hair color. The result is funky yet flirty, and great for most any face shape or hair texture. To get this haircut, ask your hairstylist to cut slightly blunt bangs that you can sweep to the side, and face-framing layers that start at your chin (no shorter). Wear it smooth like Beyonce's or piece it out with pomade a la Reese Witherspoon."


This isn't a hair cut: this is hair extensions. Which is fine, but I don't have $2000 for hair shaved off of the head of a 13-year-old Indian girl.

The Flapper
Dare factor: 4
"Of course, if you have straight hair and want to take the blunt trend up two notches (literally), this vintage bob is the way to go. While the style has been around for decades, Selma Blair's take on it is fresh and inspiring thanks to fringed bangs (vs. the usual super-blunt, heavy bangs), and precision-tapered, pin-straight sides (vs. the classic curl toward the cheek). Her Mona Lisa smile and sultry but simple eye makeup also makes this eccentric style look classic and cute, not costume-y."


The Flapper, or The Crapper? Seriously, Selma has never looked this crappy. What is going on here? I feel like they stole a wig from the set of Carnivale (and that show was canceled years ago, so you know that wig is dusty as hayull). If I did this with my hair I would end up looking like Anton Chigurh.


Layered Curls
Dare factor: 1
"Got curls? Sarah Jessica Parker's bang-less, slightly layered haircut is a great way to accentuate curls and keep the volume factor in the "just right" zone. You can wear this cut wild and natural or blow it out for a neatly coiffed style, using a round brush."


Oh come on, this is just lazy. The only requirement for this hair cut is the ability to grow hair, I suppose.

The Buzz Cut
Dare factor: 5
"Demi Moore, Natalie Portman and Britney Spears shaved it all -- and we mean all -- off. Now, model Amber Rose (aka Kanye West's "former flame") joins the ranks with a blonde version of a shaved head. While taking clippers mercilessly to your head requires some serious guts, we've seen our share of real women pull off this look beautifully. So we say, if you've got the guts (and amazing bone structure), go for it! Other benefits: Your hair will grow back in nice and healthy, and if you get sick of it, well, there's always Raquel Welch Wigs."


NO ONE NEEDS TO TRY THIS! Seriously, remember my rule up top about short hair and looking cute? For example:

"Oh hai, I'm Natalie Portman! I'm adorable all the time and just the cutest, smartest thing. Everything I touch turns to cotton candy. Tee hee, I'm an elf."

Now take away the cute and you get this:

"Hey y'all, I'm a Gollum! I'll be starring in yer nightmares tonight! See you then!"


The Afro
Dare factor: 4
"Another perennial favorite, the Afro is a bold yet gorgeous way to wear natural curls, assuming you have a full head of hair and the confidence to go with it. Lauryn Hill's not-too-huge version looks sweet and feminine. To get fluffy curls like hers, condition, detangle and work a volumizing product throughout hair. Blow dry hair, being careful not to disturb your natural curl shape, then use a pick or comb to tease and stretch curls into wider, bigger versions of themselves. Fluff with fingers to finish."


I'm sorry, I can't hear you. You're eyebrows are too loud.

1.14.2011

The Skip-Raid now has a crappy online photo album!

So I wanted to have a place to put dumb pictures and Christmas cards, etc but didn't want to overwhelm you here at The Skip-Raid. I know, I'm FAR TOO CONSIDERATE. Anyways, if you actually want a daily dumpster dive (or sometimes 3 times a day) then visit the Skip-Raid Tumblr. And if you have a dumb/weird/stupid/funny/whatever pictures, send it to me and I'll post it on the tumblr.

1.11.2011

Black Swan aka WHUT THA FAAAAAAAAA?!?!


Okay, so if you don't want the ending of Black Swan to get all expired milk on your asses (aka spoiled), then you best re-direct yourself to a blog about cats or pie reviews (aka HEAVEN) because I'm about to throw a 1L jar of special sauce into the sun and spoil the hell out of this movie for you. Why? Because I wanna talk about BS without having to tiptoe around EVERYTHING. Seriously, even uttering the sentence "Did you know that the voice of Meg Griffin from Family Guy is in this movie?" is practically a spoiler. So if you haven't seen it, move it or lose it.

Okay, now let's gather 'round the fire in our Slankets and chat.

So I went and saw Black Swan with my sister on Sunday. I went with excessively low expectations because everyone and their mom was like MOAR BLACK SWAN PLS!!! and it's the best movie of the year (all 2 weeks of 2011, of course) and Natalie Portman is amazing etc etc etc forever and ever amen. I knew it was going to be awesome, but I decided to go into it pretending to be a smug asshole (NOT A STRETCH) so that I could be j-wowwed by it. After all, I'm very very biased for Darren Aronorronofski. Requiem for a Dream ruled my life in High School (I also frequently use "wehavawinner. WE. HAVE. A. WINNER!" in my day-to-day). Also, The Wrestler FUCKING RULES. I don't care what people say, Mickey Rourke is so amazing. AND YES, I WOULD DO HIM. I don't care if your respect for me just plummeted to the basement. So I went to see BS and.....

HOLY SWEET TINY JESUS IT WAS AMAZING!

It was seriously the best movie I have seen in so so long. Everything about it was just so incredibly CRAZY and confusing. My sister and I left the theater with so many questions, and so, I would like to share them with you. Maybe we can make sense of it together?

1. Okay, so we can all agree that Nina (Natalie Portman) was totally bonkers. If you had to guess what a doctor would diagnose her as, what would it be? And don't say Diagnosis Murder because that is a great Dick Van Dyke television show, not a valid reasoning for Nina being batshit insane. I would have to guess that we're dealing with a standard Schizophrenic, because everything about it makes sense: hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, hearing voices. I think if you were to film the movie from an outsider's POV, you'd see that she'd be normal sometimes and totally scattered and angry most of the time. Let's remember that Schizophrenics don't have a million personalities in their heads: it's more like having a severely pissed off friend calling you on the phone every hour and riling you up over nothing (oh, and that friend lives in your mind, btw). But I think it's safe to say that she wasn't the result of a Gypsy curse, right?

2. Mila Kunis was real all along!!! Well into the 3rd act, I was so sure that she was a hallucination. My sister thought I was stupid because, as she puts it, "Mila Kunis is proven to be a real person that everyone can see and hear in her first scene". Well, come on! Normally it seems that way but then you go back and are like "Of course! You never see her shadow/reflection/change clothes!" but yeah, she was real. Also it's weird to realize that Mila Kunis was just a fun-loving girl who was good at dance and wanted to be Nina's friend. Awwww :( All this time I assumed she was a psycho bitch who wanted Nina dead. Nope! That's delusions again!

3. The title is, as I have recently discovered via Wikipedia, a clue to the ending! A Black Swan Event is a thing (not just a movie or an animal). A black swan event can be identified by the following criteria:
1. The event is a surprise (to the observer).
2. The event has a major impact.
3. After the fact, the event is rationalized by hindsight, as if it could have been expected (e.g., the relevant data were available but not accounted for).
Spoilery! That makes total sense, right? The event (Nina going crazy) was a surprise (she seemed like she had a pretty normal life, right?). And her going crazy had a major impact (DOYE, THE WHOLE MOVIE). After the fact, her going crazy was totally to be expected (over-bearing mother, picking/scratching tendencies, hyper-pressure life, a teacher with boundary issues, etc). Good one, movie-title-namers.

4. Did Nina kill Wino Forever in the hospital room? My sister says she hallucinated the image of Ryder stabbing herself in the cheeks with the nail file, but I say that Nina stabbed Ryder herself. Or maybe Mila Kunis did it, who knows.

5. Do you think that Nina slept with Thomas (aka Toe-Mah)? I say yes!

6. Didn't you get the feeling once or twice that Nina's mom slept with Toe-Mah and he knocked her up?!?! Incest! Maybe that was just me though - he's probably not her dad.

7. So...she stabs herself with a broken mirror? Whut? Get out of town. I get the feeling she fell on glass or something. Who would stab themselves? Even at our craziNEVERMIND. I just remembered she used to scratch the hell out of her own skin. My bad. She probably did stab herself.

8. Was she bulimic, or just barfing from nerves?

9. How old was Nina? Answer: TOO DAMN OLD TO BE LIVING AT HOME.

10. Was Nina's mom really a bitch, or do you think she was just so frustrated with having a crazy-go-nuts daughter? Or imagine if her mom was super sweet and encouraging and nice, but Nina was delusional and kept imagining her mom was a total bitch? Crazy. Think about it.

11. Do you think Nina ever even got the part of the Swan Queen? Yeah, I know: she did.

12. Hey kids! If you think you're crazy, DON'T DO E.

13. Do you think that Nina pushed Winona into traffic that night she left Toe-Mah's apartment? YES, PROBABLY, RIGHT?!?!

14. Why wouldn't Nina want any of that cake her mom got? That cake looked delicious!!!

15. Why the hell was Nina's mom painting so many pictures of her? In the words of Regina George: "...and I'd be like, why are you so obsessed with me?"

16. I love when her mom was like "I had a career as a dance once, but then I gave it up to have you!" and you're like "BIRCH PLACE, TAKING BALLET LESSONS WHEN YOU WERE 10-YEARS-OLD DOESN'T MEAN YOU WERE A DANCER!" Amirite?

17. There was an abundance of crotch-grabbing in this movie.

18. Do you think she dies at the end? I know that Darren Aronnonojnfdsofski likes to keep it mysterious like "they're dead!.....or are they?!?!?!" but I am pretty sure she's dead at the end. Or maybe it's just the metaphorical manifestation of the Gypsy curse that is dead? Wait! No Gypsy curse. Nina's actual-factual dead, right?

19. Why the hell did she want to be perfect all the time? There was no explanation for that.

20. Ewww, remember when her toenail splits in half? GROSS!!!!

1.04.2011

You down wit OPP? (old people porn)

Note: this post is in no way NSFW. There are no pictures of wee wees or bum bums or anything like that. Just words. Carry on.

Last week I found out that there is a very large viewership of senior porn. Now, I don't mean porno's non-union Mexican equivalent, SeƱor Porn. I am of course referring to porn starring a young lady and an elderly gentlemen. Please please PLEASE do not ask me how I stumbled about this; all I can tell you is that I was curious about the need for boners in persons over 80 (I mean, really, do they even want boners any more?) I'd say that's a pretty normal thought. I know it grosses out all of us to imagine Gamgam and Gimpy taking some time out of their busy canasta-playing schedule to - ahem - get low, but we need to face the fact that one day we will be very very old and we might want to go to the Bone Zone (as opposed to the Broken Bone Zone, which I hear the elderly visit a lot, and that makes me a big fat frowny face).

Regardless, I found a series called Old Pole, Young Hole. Ewwww, grimy! I mean, it's gross, but you know exactly what you're getting: an older weenis and a younger...uh...shuffleboard court. If that's too tasteless for you, I found another called Old Farts, Young Tarts which, let's face it, is just charming. Nothing about that seems gross; it's just some Old Farts makin' whoopie to some young tarts. Then they dance the Charleston. No! They just bone...I guess. I didn't watch it, but I can assume that, like most pornos, it's about 10 seconds of pizza delivery followed by 45 minutes of sausage delivery (HEY-O!) But the one thing I noticed (via Google images, mind you) is that it's all very un-sexy. It's as if History Television was the producer and everything is very G-rated (sort of). The old guys are all smiling in a "well, how in the guffins was I able to land such a pretty strumpet? My stars! I should make quick work of this so as to have her home before midnight!" and the girls are all coy like "am I really here, Herbert Jiggins, or is this another one of those dreams you get after you take the orange pills from the Nurse? Oooh, who can say?! Let us enjoy this romp as much as you did when you got a new Rascal Scooter!" In short, it's not gross or porny - it's really just Old Guy fantasy: Charming the 27-year-old waitress from Bob Evans into a date at Leafy Gates Rest Home and then doing the 32-skidoo one last time before you die. Awww.

And another thing: I know that a good, what, 70% of porn is tasteless and vulgar and objectifying of women and stuff, but is it really terrible for old people to have their own pornos? They can't really have sex anymore (because their hips will break or they'll have a heart-attack, right?) And we all know old people still think about sex; how many times has an old person told you the joke about why Mildred gets the most dates at the Old Age Home (spoiler: it's because she has Parkinsons)? Plus, everyone knows someone either personally or a friend of a friend who's Grandpa fell in love with another resident of his retirement home and they get married (I knew of two 85-year-olds who did this and it was THE MOST ADORABLE WEDDING IN THE WORLD). So why wouldn't they like the idea of a moving picture that features someone their own age still being able to pick up good looking ladies? I think it's okay. I mean, I'd hate to be the nurse that has to utter the words: "Sorry, Mr. Timbers, but I think you've watched enough Old Farts, Young Tarts for one day", but otherwise, does it matter how they spend the rest of their years? I know that when I turn 80, I'm buying a cat and taking it everywhere with me on a leash and getting my nails done with crazy acrylics and no one is going to say shit about it.

So yeah, do I want to watch senior porn? Nope! But it doesn't mean I didn't think it might be funny to make up some more titles:

Old Peen, Young Vageen

Greatest Generation, Double Penetration (oh, that's tasteless)

Grandad, College Grad

Fake Hip, Nip Slip

Afternoon Naps, Gangsta Rap

Dirty Gramps, Horny Tramps

Liver-spotted Weiners in College Seniors

Soft Foods and Young Nudes

Pill Popping, Shoe Shopping

Can't Walk, Sass-talk

I also thought of one using Matlock, but the only thing that rhymes with it is cock, and there was no way to work it properly into a title. So, I'll let you have at it in the comments if you so choose.

1.03.2011

Best of 2010: Websites

Well, it's officially the end of 2010, and I wanted to wrap everything up with my favourite websites, blogs, et al. After all, I spend most of my time surfing the world wide web to connect myself to the internet super highway. It's the tops. Anyways, here are my 10 favourite time killers on the WWW.

12. Emails from an Asshole
My only gripe is that the guy who writes this blog is that he doesn't update it enough (but if you read his FAQs, you'll understand that it is very difficult to find people dumb enough to keep emailing back and forth. Most people just don't even reply...ha! See what I did there? Mentioning the web address? Mmm hmm). One of my favourites is still Fake Invoice. Very enjoyable.

11. Design Sponge
I am not into home decorating. I do not give a crap about $800 light fixtures and Frank Gehry chairs and Charles Eames. My house is filled with second-hand end-tables, thrift shop dishes, towels from the 60s, and books that smell like mildew. All my cookware is scratched and used up. The walls are white and the floor is wood. There are pictures of Jesus everywhere. My favourite thing is a cuckoo clock that doesn't tell time and the bird doesn't come out. However, I really really enjoy Design Sponge. There is something very unpretentious about it. It gives you little ways to spruce up your house or cute ways to set a table, and sometimes they offer really good sewing tutorials. Not to mention that they update about 5 times a day, so there is no way to get bored.

10. FourFour
Obviously Rich is the best. I should be so lucky if I ever have kids that one of them turns out like Rich (or Winston).

9. The A.V. Club
I only read it for the TV reviews, and sometimes the film reviews (but usually not the film reviews because Nathan Rabin is a DOINK).

8. So So Fly Nails
THESE NAILS ARE SO SO FLY!!! I WANT TO GROW 40 OF THEM!!! JELLUSSY FOR LIFE!

7. Cracked
Not as solid as it was back then (like 1 to 2 years ago) but still pretty decent articles. The best now is the Cracked Reader Photoshops, which are always amazing.

6. STFU Parents
I hate people with kids who feel like their kids are the best. THEY'RE NOT. Someone has to give birth to the deadbeats who do burnouts in the parking lot at Dairy Queen (Me, I hope!!!!!)

5. White Lightening
Fashion blogs are LAAAAME. Except for Tavi and except for PS I Made This (which is only good because the stuff she makes is just HORRENDOUSLY BAD). But I really like White Lightening, which I found through the best best BEST IN THE WEST Lesley Arfin. All her fashiony things are actually interesting and not that typical. Also when she wanted the Isabel Toledo for Payless shoes, I also wanted them and I bought them and then she bought them and I was like MINDGAMES MUCH?!?!?

4. Crazy Days and Nights
Conundrum time! I don't love tabloidy-celebrity-gossipy blogs, but I really love Crazy Days and Nights. He's an entertainment lawyer, so he gets all these Blind Items, and then twice a year he reveals them. Why do I care about this stuff?!?! Oh yeah, cause everyone loves gossip.

3. The Life and Times of Sarah Gall
This blog KILLS ME!!! It's totally like you know that one day you're going to find her on A&E's Intervention. Also, she's super candid about her drug use (aka smoking waaaaaaay too much weed) but also uses her real name, real town, and talks about her job too much. Someone NEEDS to get homegirl to Blogger Camp or something, because she is breaking tons and tons of internet rules.
1. Don't ever use your full name unless you are major internet famous and you don't give a fudge. Same goes for pictures of your face.
2. Don't talk about relapsing and smoking poppers in the same post that you talk about your new job at a daycare.
Anyways, in general, it's pretty funny to read. I mean, not the parts about her battles with drugs and depression; more like the parts where she tries to be really deep and comes across like a stoned Confucius.

2. Candy Blog
No blog keeps me in such amazement and wonder like Candy Blog. First of all, how basic is that name? I'm pretty sure the person who writes it might be an alien who landed on Earth and still has yet to grasp our speech patterns. THIS. IS. CANDY. BLOG. Secondly, they (He? She?) buys EVERY DAMN CANDY AND CHOCOLATE out there and reviews it with such painstaking precision, you'd swear it was Willy Wonka himself. And lastly, I am a food hungy maniac and I love candy, so this is porno for me. XXX RATED CARAMELS.

1. Dlisted
AWWWW JEAH, TAKE IT TO THE HOUSE. For the 3rd year in a row (...sort of. I didn't do a year-end round-up last year because I was laaazeeee) Michael K and his website Dlisted is my favourite time-waster for life!