2011 Oscar Nods (I HATE THAT WORD) and some film-based porn titles

But I do love any chance to post a picture of Daniel Desario, so there's that. Okay, so it's that time again - time to pretend you care about movies and that you're cultured and whatnot and get excited about a bogus awards ceremony that pats very rich, very attractive white people on the back for a jillion hours (well...more like 5). I know I sound like a smarmy bitch, but in all actuality, I will definitely end up watching all 5 hours of that shit and care and then pout when someone I like doesn't win. LIKE IT MATTERS?!?!?!? Anyways, I did sort-of care when the 83rd Academy Awards nominations came out, so let's take a look and see what made it, what didn't, and who got screwed (RYAN GOSLING!!! Also, I was about to make a "I'd let Ryan Gosling screw me"-joke, but I am far too classy to go there. Also, it's difficult to crack a joke like that while you're weeping in the shower over the cold, hard fact that you will never marry Ryan Gosling. Jesus, are you listening to me? I need to up my dosage of cheeseburgers. Drop down and eatcha feelings, girl!)

Ugh, are we still doing this Nominate Any and Everything and Hope Something Sticks business? Apparently we are. I'm surprised they didn't just throw an extra 4 in there to confuse people. Okay, here are the 10 Best movies of the year (groan):

127 Hours
I didn't see this, but my friends did and they said it was like a 2-hour Mountain Dew commercial. JAMES FRANCO 2 THE X-TREME!! DO THE DEW!! CUT OFF YR ARMZ!!

Black Swan
If you read The Skip-Raid, you know that I just about DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT when I saw Black Swan. Obviously, it was hazmat-azing. I think that if the Academy could have only nominated 5 films for Best Picture, this would definitely be on that 5-list. I hope this wins. It won't win, but I'll keep the faith like a 1920's bootblack. Gee whiz, you just gotta win, Mr. Aronofsky, you just gotta!

The Fighter
Didn't watch. Don't care. The only boxing I like to see Marky Mark doing is with the Funky Bunch in the video for Good Vibrations.

OBVIOUSLY amazing, but is it the kind of thing that will still be awesome 50 years from now? Probably not. I can only see the look of sheer boredom on my custom GRANDCHILD-BOT3000 when I tell them we're going to cyber-view Inception to make Grandma happy. Will this movie win Best Picture? Of course not! It was way too confusing for most people, and when it comes down to it, the Best Picture is always just a movie about a guy/girl being like "UGH, LIFE! AM I RIGHT?" (Whereas Inception is more like "UGH, DREAMS! PENGUIN SANDWICH WOODGRAIN, AM I BLARG?"

The Kids Are All Right
Did not see this movie, but I actually wanted to. It seemed sort-of adorable. Who wouldn't want Annette Bening and Julianne Moore as your moms? Who wouldn't want Mark Ruffalo as your sperm-donor-dad? It won't win (mostly because it seems less like a movie and more like an NBC pilot) but it's cute that a movie like that was nominated.

The King's Speech
Again, did not see, but everyone who I know that saw it said it was awesome. Okay, sure. It seems a little TL:DW (too long:didn't watch) for me, but maybe I'll see it (spoiler: no I wont).

The Social Network
This movie is obviously going to win because a) people like boring movies and b) the Academy voters are all made up of 50-somethings who just discovered Facebook, so they'll think they're being hip and cool by choosing this as Best Picture. I mean, don't get me wrong, it was a pretty awesome movie. But let's think about it this way: if The Social Network had been made 8 years ago, it would have starred Tobey McGuire, Julia Stiles, and Sean William Scott. So, yeah, exactly.

Toy Story 3
What? Um, okay, I guess. Fuck me, I'm not going to make ANY friends by saying this, but Toy Story 3 was not as good as people think it was. I KNOW, I'M A NO-HEART ASSHOLE! But really, it's just a cute elegy for youth and growing up. I mean, Jesus, the movie had Michael Keaton as a Ken Doll for chrissakes.

True Grit
AWE-SUM. I effing loved this movie. I would die if it won Best Picture, because everyone in it is tough and fucking nails, but it won't win. The sads. It's just not Best Thing You've Seen All Year-good. Black Swan was way better.

Winter's Bone
My mom saw this movie and she went effing crazy for it. She told me it was mega-depressing and crazy and so so good. I still have to see it, because she promised me lots of meth-heads. Oh, and an excellent story, of course. I kind of like this pick because it is such an underdog. Really, who the hell do you know that went to see Winter's Bone. I know, right? Thank god my mom lives near a movie theatre up north that shows decent movies (and then she tells me about them, and then I feel bad for spending $14 on Hot Tub Time Machine).

BITCH GOT ROBBED: Um, I'm sorry, where the hell is Blue Valentine?!?!?! Seriously, that was one of the most important movies I have seen in a long time. And didn't people like Shutter Island? Was I the only one?

This list is so weird. It reads like a People's 50 Most Beautiful Hotties list:

Javier Bardem, Biutiful
What movie? Huh? Shouldn't appearing in Eat, Pray, Love automatically disqualify someone from being nominated for Best Actor?

Jeff Bridges, True Grit
He won last year, he's not going to win this year. Sowwy. But how shitty is that, eh? He wins last year for that poo-filled-diaper known as Crazy Heart, but this year he's probably going to lose to Colin Firth, even though Rooster Cogburn was the better role for him.

Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
To quote John McEnroe: You CANNOT be serious. I honestly cannot believe he was nominated. All he did was act like Abed from Community for 2 hours. Oh well, he won't win because...

Colin Firth, The King's Speech
Can we just give Colin Firth the award now? Is that poor form?

James Franco, 127 Hours
Shit, see my note on Javier Bardem.

No Paul Giamatti? Come on! He's adorable!! How can you not nominate that guy? But, hello, bigger picture: WHERE'S MAH BOO RYAN BABY-SWAN? Seriously, is he not super amazing? Can we not all agree that he acts the shit out of everything? Would I definitely let him rent the Future Room for us? (Inside joke, unless you've seen Blue Valentine, in which case you can step off, cause I'm the only one he's taking to the Future Room. You can have Cupid's Cabana, or whatever). Ugh, let's just watch this and feel better.

This list isn't terrible. I mean, remember when Winona Ryder was nominated for an Oscar? Yeah, exactly. I'm going to grade this group against one of my favourite Best Actresses from last year, Gabourey Sidibe (PRECIOUS FOR LIFE!!)

Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right
While I didn't see this movie, I do know that Annette Bening plays a Woman in Comfortable Shoes (my Dad's term, but I like it, so I'm using it), and since she looks like pretty much every gym teacher, women's studies Prof, and show dog trainer I have ever seen, I'm going to say that she plays a convincing lesbian without being over-the-top (ie: a softball player). But, was there ever a scene where she get's pregnant by her own father? Nope, didn't think so. This year's not your year, Annette.

Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
In Rabbit Hole, Nicole Kidman plays a mother who's little boy dies and she needs to grieve or whatever. Does her character ever try to get her GED in the shitty NYC public school system of the 1980s? Exactly. Not your year, Botoxy.

Jennifer Lawrence, Winter's Bone
From what I gather, Jennifer Lawrence (also the name of one of my friends, coincidentally) is a girl who lives in the Ozarks and has to raiser her brothers and sisters because their parents are a) dead or b) on shitloads of meth or c) both. I have been told one scene involves her swimming underwater to cut off someone's arm. Sheeeit, Precious never had to cut off nobody's arm. This is a tie (but she won't win anyways).

Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Nina Sayers makes Precious look like Wayne Brady. Again, let's just give her the Oscar now.

Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine
Precious never fell in love with a deadbeat and then wished she wasn't married to him, but she did have a dad that treated her family like crap. But did Precious ever have a boyfriend who came to her work and beat up her boss? No? Hmmm, tough one. Michelle should win, but won't, because no one can ever forget that she was in Dawson's Creek.

BITCH GOT ROBBED: I dunno, did anyone really get robbed? I bet that Julianne Moore probably could have been nominated (because she's good in everything). And Hailee Steinfeld from True Grit wasn't nominated as Best Actress even though she was in True Grit for every minute of the movie, but we'll hear more about her later.

Really, there aren't any stand-outs this year. Remember how last year Vegas Odds on Christoph Waltz were like 1:10 or something (is that good? I dunno. Basically he had it in the bag). Well, this year we have 5 actors in very ho-hum performances:

Christian Bale, The Fighter
I like him better as Batman. NEXT!

John Hawkes,Winter's Bone
I don't know who he is. Is he the meth-dad from Winter's Bone? NEXT!

Jeremy Renner, The Town
This was obviously the result of ballot-spoilers. NEXT!

Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right
Oooh, handsome, handsome Mark Ruffalo. Rrrrrrrr. So sessy. But not Oscar-material. NEXT!

Geoffrey Rush, The King's Speech
The idiot from Shine? NE...oh wait, he might win this.

BITCH GOT ROBBED: Matt Damon! He learned how to ride a horse for True Grit. That's got to be worth something, right?

Now is a good time to remind these ladies that nobody wins when you're following in the footsteps of Mo'Nique's win last year. Sorry! It's like:
"Wow, this part was really really amazing and I acted so good in it and I totally deserved this."
- Mo'Nique: "I don't remember the scene where you tearily confess to a sans-fards Mariah Carey that your husband molested the crap out of your kid and you did nothing to stop it, and now you live in the ghetto and beat your kid as revenge for him knocking her up."
"Oh yeah....um....that didn't...SHIIIIIIT. I don't deserve this."

Amy Adams, The Fighter
Let me guess: Amy Adams wore cheap looking clothing and spoke really softly and had good hair and was all "I love you, you're so talented, but I'm so confused", right?

Helena Bonham Carter, The King's Speech
Um, it goes without saying that HBC is the Head Bitch in Charge for LIFE, so there's no arguing that she's amazing. She's not going to win, but she'll be fun to see at the ceremony.

Melissa Leo, The Fighter
Like Amy Adams, I'm sure that Melissa Leo wore cheap looking clothing and spoke really gruffly and had bad hair and was all "I love you, you're my son, but I'm so confused." Whatever, she'll probably win.

Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit
Normally, child actors bother me, but Hailee Steinfeld was like watching a very young adult, so it wasn't awful. I'd like to see her win, but I'd also like to see her have a career, so it's probably best she doesn't win this.

Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom
Um, WHO?

BITCH GOT ROBBED: Jackie from That 70s Show! She was so good in Black Swan and learned to dance ballet (they didn't need to use a body double for her). Also, she's SO GOOD and not an entitled bitch. She's the kind of person who would win and be like "WTF? An award for mees? Okay, I'll take!"

Anyways, it's now time for me to discuss the very real possibility that many of the films mentioned above might be turned into pornos to capitalize on their popularity. Hello, it's the American way. Anyways, last year we had such gems as:
Fresh-ass: Based on the novel Tush by Assfire, Ass-atar, Horny with a Chance of My Balls, The Pert Knockers, Sherlock Homos, The Lovely Boners, The Hind Side (of course these are just the Kabletown pornos from 30 Rock, but they're still good). Anyways, here are some I made up. Feel free to make up your own:

Winter's Boner
127 Whores
The Tighter
The Dicks are All Right
The King's Splooge
True Tit

...and this just in, I'm a classless, classless person.


Anonymous said...

To answer your question....John Hawkes plays the Meth-Uncle in Winter's Bone. Uncle "Teardrop" to be exact....enough said! I can understand why he was nominated.....his character is SO creepy!!! Warning...see this movie in the afternoon to avoid nightmares!

I also think he was in Eastbound and Down as Dustin.

btw...I'm dissapointed that Bill Murray wasn't nominated for best supporting actor as the Undertaker in Get Low :(

tylerface said...

i feel as though your next update will be oscars 2012.