9 hairstyles I definitely do not need to try before I die.

Earlier this week I stumbled upon an article from totalbeauty.com (I just can't with that name) called 9 Haircuts to Try Before You Die. This intrigued me, since I wasn't under the impression that there were certain ways in which my hair should be styled before the day I slip into the cold cloud of death's sweet embrace (I'm trying to make my death sound romantic now, because in all honesty, I'm probably going to end up choking on a cinnamon bun in a shitty mall food court).

Anyways, all in all, it's what you'd expect from a shitty online beauty article: lots of pictures, completely arbitrary descriptions of each style and why you need it, and then a "dare" rating. So like, a pony tail would be a one, but shaving your head would be a 5. Here's my question: is anyone actually, like for really-real scared of cutting their hair? I gave my friend a pair of scissors last night and told her to do what she thought would look best while eating potato chips and watching The Bachelor. I ended up with 3 inches off the bottom and it looks pretty good; I didn't even need to reference an outdated and hackneyed online beauty article. But BUT what if I want to dare myself to do something ca-ray-zee with my hair? OMG JENNIFER ANISTON ROMCOM ALERT!!! So in case you feel like your days are numbered, here are the hair cuts you need to try before you check-out:

The Pixie
Dare factor: 5
"Short hair might seem scary, but it's so … liberating! We love Carey Mulligan's blonde take on the Audrey Hepburn-esque pixie. While she wears it in a classic way, swept forward and pieced out with a little pomade, you could wear it slicked back or swept up for a glamorous yet edgy, heightened version. You could even dress it up with a jeweled barrette worn in the front."

Um, ew. Nothing about this hair cut sounds as adorable as their trying to make it. Also, Audrey Hepburn? CAN WE LET HER DIE AS A STYLE ICON ALREADY?!?! Seriously, it's like every boring girl with access to a style blog loooooves Audrey Hepburn (even though the only movie they can usually name is Breakfast at Tiffanys which, can we all agree on this? Isn't that good). Anyways, this hair cut is solely reliant on one thing to make it work: looking adorable. Unless you look like you live in a tree, have your hair brushed by helpful squirrels, and/or fart teeny-tiny marshmallow rainbows, then this look is NOT for you. Why? You'll end up looking like this:

Which isn't necessarily a bad thing if you're really into Jane Lynch. But remember - not all of us are going to look this good at 50, so keep that in mind.

The Angled Pixie-Bob
Dare factor: 4

"Gone are the days of the Katie Holmes graduated bob with blunt bangs; here are the days of Rihanna's edgy, pixie-ish take on the classic style. What really makes Rihanna's look trendy are the blonde pieces and the shaved portion on her left side; however, to make this a tad more feminine and natural, you could simply keep it one color and tell your stylist to lay off the clippers (think Michelle Williams). Either way, this look will always be a winner."

I'm sorry, but how is this a definable hair style? All I see is half-long, half-short, buzzed on the side (soooooo 2010) and massive chunks of Kelly Clarkson's circa-2006 dyejob. Also, Rihanna is known for being a lover of all things weave, so how am I supposed to take this picture into my stylist and go "Okay, so I definitely want it shaved. Give me a lethargic trim on one side and just leave the other. Oh, and throw in a massive curtain of weave on the left. You don't have black? Yeah, just use whatever you've got".

The Jackie-O
Dare factor: 1
"Salma Hayek is turning heads (as usual) with her flirty version of Jackie O's full, mid-length blowout. Great for naturally wavy hair types, this cut uses layers to lighten the weight of the hair everywhere except in the long bang area. Above all, volume is key to making this cut look best, so try pumping up your hair's density with these professional hair volumizing tricks, making sure to blow dry your bangs off to the side using a round brush."

Again, how is this a style? Isn't this just called "curling the ends under"? Am I wrong? And since when is this style called The Jackie-O? When I think of Jackie Onassis, I think of very mumsy looking hair. And also, how the hell is this a hair style I NEED to try before I die? Isn't this what most people's hair looks like right before they visit their hair dresser?

The Blunt Cut
Dare factor: 3
"While blunt bangs are always a fun trend to try, not everyone can pull them off. Instead, a simple, long blunt-cut bob with soft, side-swept bangs is a universally flattering blunt-cut style. When Naomi Watts made this subtle change to her already long, blonde style, everyone noticed. Great for naturally straight, medium to long hair, this style simply calls for a great flat iron and shine booster."

How did this hair cut score a 3 on the dare factor rating system? This is the most boring hair cut I have ever seen. "Ooooh, we dare you to get a trim if you have long straight hair! Better put the Suicide Hotline on speed-dial, cause this is gonna be TRAUMATIC".

Sexy Long Layers
Dare factor: 2
"Beyonce shows off side-swept bangs and long layers, as well as a two-toned ombre effect, half-light golden brown and half-dark chocolate brown hair color. The result is funky yet flirty, and great for most any face shape or hair texture. To get this haircut, ask your hairstylist to cut slightly blunt bangs that you can sweep to the side, and face-framing layers that start at your chin (no shorter). Wear it smooth like Beyonce's or piece it out with pomade a la Reese Witherspoon."

This isn't a hair cut: this is hair extensions. Which is fine, but I don't have $2000 for hair shaved off of someone else's head.

The Flapper
Dare factor: 4
"Of course, if you have straight hair and want to take the blunt trend up two notches (literally), this vintage bob is the way to go. While the style has been around for decades, Selma Blair's take on it is fresh and inspiring thanks to fringed bangs (vs. the usual super-blunt, heavy bangs), and precision-tapered, pin-straight sides (vs. the classic curl toward the cheek). Her Mona Lisa smile and sultry but simple eye makeup also makes this eccentric style look classic and cute, not costume-y."

The Flapper, or The Crapper? Seriously, Selma has never looked this crappy. What is going on here? I feel like they stole a wig from the set of Carnivale (and that show was canceled years ago, so you know that wig is dusty as hayull). If I did this with my hair I would end up looking like Anton Chigurh.

Layered Curls
Dare factor: 1
"Got curls? Sarah Jessica Parker's bang-less, slightly layered haircut is a great way to accentuate curls and keep the volume factor in the "just right" zone. You can wear this cut wild and natural or blow it out for a neatly coiffed style, using a round brush."

Oh come on, this is just lazy. The only requirement for this hair cut is the ability to grow hair, I suppose.

The Buzz Cut
Dare factor: 5
"Demi Moore, Natalie Portman and Britney Spears shaved it all -- and we mean all -- off. Now, model Amber Rose (aka Kanye West's "former flame") joins the ranks with a blonde version of a shaved head. While taking clippers mercilessly to your head requires some serious guts, we've seen our share of real women pull off this look beautifully. So we say, if you've got the guts (and amazing bone structure), go for it! Other benefits: Your hair will grow back in nice and healthy, and if you get sick of it, well, there's always Raquel Welch Wigs."

NO ONE NEEDS TO TRY THIS! Seriously, remember my rule up top about short hair and looking cute? For example:

"Oh hai, I'm Natalie Portman! I'm adorable all the time and just the cutest, smartest thing. Everything I touch turns to cotton candy. Tee hee, I'm an elf."

Now take away the cute and you get this:

"Hey y'all, I'm a Gollum! I'll be starring in yer nightmares tonight! See you then!"

The Afro
Dare factor: 4
"Another perennial favorite, the Afro is a bold yet gorgeous way to wear natural curls, assuming you have a full head of hair and the confidence to go with it. Lauryn Hill's not-too-huge version looks sweet and feminine. To get fluffy curls like hers, condition, detangle and work a volumizing product throughout hair. Blow dry hair, being careful not to disturb your natural curl shape, then use a pick or comb to tease and stretch curls into wider, bigger versions of themselves. Fluff with fingers to finish."

I'm sorry, I can't hear you. You're eyebrows are too loud.

1 comment:

Alice said...

You know what I love about this blog? I'll look at a picture, think of some snarky comment then scroll down and find that you've written exactly what I was thinking.

1) I once let a stylist cut my hair like Selma Blair's and unless you have a super skinny & long face, this cut WILL make your face look fatter!

2) Don't shave your head for fashion unless you are willing to have every second person ask you "so when did you finish chemo?"