Black Swan aka WHUT THA FAAAAAAAAA?!?!

Okay, so if you don't want the ending of Black Swan to get all expired milk on your asses (aka spoiled), then you best re-direct yourself to a blog about cats or pie reviews (aka HEAVEN) because I'm about to throw a 1L jar of special sauce into the sun and spoil the hell out of this movie for you. Why? Because I wanna talk about BS without having to tiptoe around EVERYTHING. Seriously, even uttering the sentence "Did you know that the voice of Meg Griffin from Family Guy is in this movie?" is practically a spoiler. So if you haven't seen it, move it or lose it.

Okay, now let's gather 'round the fire in our Slankets and chat.

So I went and saw Black Swan with my sister on Sunday. I went with excessively low expectations because everyone and their mom was like MOAR BLACK SWAN PLS!!! and it's the best movie of the year (all 2 weeks of 2011, of course) and Natalie Portman is amazing etc etc etc forever and ever amen. I knew it was going to be awesome, but I decided to go into it pretending to be a smug asshole (NOT A STRETCH) so that I could be j-wowwed by it. After all, I'm very very biased for Darren Aronorronofski. Requiem for a Dream ruled my life in High School (I also frequently use "wehavawinner. WE. HAVE. A. WINNER!" in my day-to-day). Also, The Wrestler FUCKING RULES. I don't care what people say, Mickey Rourke is so amazing. AND YES, I WOULD DO HIM. I don't care if your respect for me just plummeted to the basement. So I went to see BS and.....


It was seriously the best movie I have seen in so so long. Everything about it was just so incredibly CRAZY and confusing. My sister and I left the theater with so many questions, and so, I would like to share them with you. Maybe we can make sense of it together?

1. Okay, so we can all agree that Nina (Natalie Portman) was totally bonkers. If you had to guess what a doctor would diagnose her as, what would it be? And don't say Diagnosis Murder because that is a great Dick Van Dyke television show, not a valid reasoning for Nina being batshit insane. I would have to guess that we're dealing with a standard Schizophrenic, because everything about it makes sense: hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, hearing voices. I think if you were to film the movie from an outsider's POV, you'd see that she'd be normal sometimes and totally scattered and angry most of the time. Let's remember that Schizophrenics don't have a million personalities in their heads: it's more like having a severely pissed off friend calling you on the phone every hour and riling you up over nothing (oh, and that friend lives in your mind, btw). But I think it's safe to say that she wasn't the result of a Gypsy curse, right?

2. Mila Kunis was real all along!!! Well into the 3rd act, I was so sure that she was a hallucination. My sister thought I was stupid because, as she puts it, "Mila Kunis is proven to be a real person that everyone can see and hear in her first scene". Well, come on! Normally it seems that way but then you go back and are like "Of course! You never see her shadow/reflection/change clothes!" but yeah, she was real. Also it's weird to realize that Mila Kunis was just a fun-loving girl who was good at dance and wanted to be Nina's friend. Awwww :( All this time I assumed she was a psycho bitch who wanted Nina dead. Nope! That's delusions again!

3. The title is, as I have recently discovered via Wikipedia, a clue to the ending! A Black Swan Event is a thing (not just a movie or an animal). A black swan event can be identified by the following criteria:
1. The event is a surprise (to the observer).
2. The event has a major impact.
3. After the fact, the event is rationalized by hindsight, as if it could have been expected (e.g., the relevant data were available but not accounted for).
Spoilery! That makes total sense, right? The event (Nina going crazy) was a surprise (she seemed like she had a pretty normal life, right?). And her going crazy had a major impact (DOYE, THE WHOLE MOVIE). After the fact, her going crazy was totally to be expected (over-bearing mother, picking/scratching tendencies, hyper-pressure life, a teacher with boundary issues, etc). Good one, movie-title-namers.

4. Did Nina kill Wino Forever in the hospital room? My sister says she hallucinated the image of Ryder stabbing herself in the cheeks with the nail file, but I say that Nina stabbed Ryder herself. Or maybe Mila Kunis did it, who knows.

5. Do you think that Nina slept with Thomas (aka Toe-Mah)? I say yes!

6. Didn't you get the feeling once or twice that Nina's mom slept with Toe-Mah and he knocked her up?!?! Incest! Maybe that was just me though - he's probably not her dad.

7. So...she stabs herself with a broken mirror? Whut? Get out of town. I get the feeling she fell on glass or something. Who would stab themselves? Even at our craziNEVERMIND. I just remembered she used to scratch the hell out of her own skin. My bad. She probably did stab herself.

8. Was she bulimic, or just barfing from nerves?

9. How old was Nina? Answer: TOO DAMN OLD TO BE LIVING AT HOME.

10. Was Nina's mom really a bitch, or do you think she was just so frustrated with having a crazy-go-nuts daughter? Or imagine if her mom was super sweet and encouraging and nice, but Nina was delusional and kept imagining her mom was a total bitch? Crazy. Think about it.

11. Do you think Nina ever even got the part of the Swan Queen? Yeah, I know: she did.

12. Hey kids! If you think you're crazy, DON'T DO E.

13. Do you think that Nina pushed Winona into traffic that night she left Toe-Mah's apartment? YES, PROBABLY, RIGHT?!?!

14. Why wouldn't Nina want any of that cake her mom got? That cake looked delicious!!!

15. Why the hell was Nina's mom painting so many pictures of her? In the words of Regina George: "...and I'd be like, why are you so obsessed with me?"

16. I love when her mom was like "I had a career as a dance once, but then I gave it up to have you!" and you're like "BIRCH PLACE, TAKING BALLET LESSONS WHEN YOU WERE 10-YEARS-OLD DOESN'T MEAN YOU WERE A DANCER!" Amirite?

17. There was an abundance of crotch-grabbing in this movie.

18. Do you think she dies at the end? I know that Darren Aronnonojnfdsofski likes to keep it mysterious like "they're dead!.....or are they?!?!?!" but I am pretty sure she's dead at the end. Or maybe it's just the metaphorical manifestation of the Gypsy curse that is dead? Wait! No Gypsy curse. Nina's actual-factual dead, right?

19. Why the hell did she want to be perfect all the time? There was no explanation for that.

20. Ewww, remember when her toenail splits in half? GROSS!!!!


Mumma D said...

Wow...now I really want to see it!

Anonymous said...

dude. you totally left out the whole nail clipping/ hangnail thing. totally barfed up my coke like seven times during the movie because of it. also, HER MOM WAS A TOTAL BETCH .