1.04.2011

You down wit OPP? (old people porn)

Note: this post is in no way NSFW. There are no pictures of wee wees or bum bums or anything like that. Just words. Carry on.

Last week I found out that there is a very large viewership of senior porn. Now, I don't mean porno's non-union Mexican equivalent, SeƱor Porn. I am of course referring to porn starring a young lady and an elderly gentlemen. Please please PLEASE do not ask me how I stumbled about this; all I can tell you is that I was curious about the need for boners in persons over 80 (I mean, really, do they even want boners any more?) I'd say that's a pretty normal thought. I know it grosses out all of us to imagine Gamgam and Gimpy taking some time out of their busy canasta-playing schedule to - ahem - get low, but we need to face the fact that one day we will be very very old and we might want to go to the Bone Zone (as opposed to the Broken Bone Zone, which I hear the elderly visit a lot, and that makes me a big fat frowny face).

Regardless, I found a series called Old Pole, Young Hole. Ewwww, grimy! I mean, it's gross, but you know exactly what you're getting: an older weenis and a younger...uh...shuffleboard court. If that's too tasteless for you, I found another called Old Farts, Young Tarts which, let's face it, is just charming. Nothing about that seems gross; it's just some Old Farts makin' whoopie to some young tarts. Then they dance the Charleston. No! They just bone...I guess. I didn't watch it, but I can assume that, like most pornos, it's about 10 seconds of pizza delivery followed by 45 minutes of sausage delivery (HEY-O!) But the one thing I noticed (via Google images, mind you) is that it's all very un-sexy. It's as if History Television was the producer and everything is very G-rated (sort of). The old guys are all smiling in a "well, how in the guffins was I able to land such a pretty strumpet? My stars! I should make quick work of this so as to have her home before midnight!" and the girls are all coy like "am I really here, Herbert Jiggins, or is this another one of those dreams you get after you take the orange pills from the Nurse? Oooh, who can say?! Let us enjoy this romp as much as you did when you got a new Rascal Scooter!" In short, it's not gross or porny - it's really just Old Guy fantasy: Charming the 27-year-old waitress from Bob Evans into a date at Leafy Gates Rest Home and then doing the 32-skidoo one last time before you die. Awww.

And another thing: I know that a good, what, 70% of porn is tasteless and vulgar and objectifying of women and stuff, but is it really terrible for old people to have their own pornos? They can't really have sex anymore (because their hips will break or they'll have a heart-attack, right?) And we all know old people still think about sex; how many times has an old person told you the joke about why Mildred gets the most dates at the Old Age Home (spoiler: it's because she has Parkinsons)? Plus, everyone knows someone either personally or a friend of a friend who's Grandpa fell in love with another resident of his retirement home and they get married (I knew of two 85-year-olds who did this and it was THE MOST ADORABLE WEDDING IN THE WORLD). So why wouldn't they like the idea of a moving picture that features someone their own age still being able to pick up good looking ladies? I think it's okay. I mean, I'd hate to be the nurse that has to utter the words: "Sorry, Mr. Timbers, but I think you've watched enough Old Farts, Young Tarts for one day", but otherwise, does it matter how they spend the rest of their years? I know that when I turn 80, I'm buying a cat and taking it everywhere with me on a leash and getting my nails done with crazy acrylics and no one is going to say shit about it.

So yeah, do I want to watch senior porn? Nope! But it doesn't mean I didn't think it might be funny to make up some more titles:

Old Peen, Young Vageen

Greatest Generation, Double Penetration (oh, that's tasteless)

Grandad, College Grad

Fake Hip, Nip Slip

Afternoon Naps, Gangsta Rap

Dirty Gramps, Horny Tramps

Liver-spotted Weiners in College Seniors

Soft Foods and Young Nudes

Pill Popping, Shoe Shopping

Can't Walk, Sass-talk

I also thought of one using Matlock, but the only thing that rhymes with it is cock, and there was no way to work it properly into a title. So, I'll let you have at it in the comments if you so choose.

7 comments:

Renee said...

If it has to be rhymey, Murder She Wrote and Slippery Throat. Although I somewhat prefer Murder She Rode. Because the backstory would be gross.

I also like The Pearl Harbor Vet meets The Pearl Necklace Pet.

alex davey said...

gummin' and cummin'

alex davey said...

bed pans and silicone cans

alex davey said...

-polident to get her wet
-obus form/ freshman dorm
-prune juice / she's loose
-werthers originals in your lint filled pocket will make her want to ride your cock-et.

okay that last one is a stretch but imagine the cover for it being an old man with werthers and a girl in a space suit.

The Mayor said...

I love that
a) old men would totally refer to their lady as a "pet" and
b) old men would LOVE a space-themed porno!

sleepless in seatle said...

-painful angina and peens in vaginas
-senile delusions and penile intrusions

Jess said...

Silver Walker, Dirty Talker

Lipitor and the Lady Whore

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