2.28.2011

The Oscars!!!

Oh my god, the face that Daniel Desario (FREAKS AND GEEKS FOR LIFE) is giving us is the same face I gave through all 4 hours of the Oscars last night. Just...silent frustration. I'll talk about the rest of the show in a second, but can I please just dedicate a solid 5 to how much I hate Anne Hathaway?

Okay, where to start? She is fucking obnoxious. If you didn't know that already, then you do after last night. Anne Hathaway is basically a musical theatre kid, and what's more annoying and obnoxious than a theatre kid? Exactly, nothing. They're the worst. Seriously; they all need to be surrounded by other delusional egotists, all yelling over one another, trying to be the centre of attention for the longest amount of time. Anne Hathaway made last night the LOOK AT ME! SERIOUSLY LOOK AT ME! LISTEN TO ME SING!-show. It was tremendously pathetic. Every single thing she said made me roll my eyes and pray for Billy Crystal to mutiny the show and take over. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine what kind of people are her friends. Who would want to have beers with this woman? Does she have friends? If she wasn't an actress, she'd be that girl in your office who LOOOOOOVES Glee and Julia Roberts movies and "just found this hilarious website called LOL Cats!" Aka she'd be a clueless, annoying blathermouth who would constantly be telling you how many calories are in her lunch (so....the worst, really). Also she was in two Princess Diaries movies and Ella Enchanted. GROSS!

Alright, that's all the time I can dedicate to Anne Hathaway (ugh, even her name is annoying). Moving on to bigger and better things. Last night's broadcast was saved only by the makeshift Oscar's party my friends and I had. I made a pie (coconut cream, which was delicious, btw) and nachos (which I ate too many of). My friend printed out some amazing Oscars bingo cards that we all stuck to religiously and got really competitive over. The squares were like: Oprah Winfrey presents an award (she did! She always does, right?), actress's dress has long sleeves, mispronounced name, awkward political statement in acceptance speech, winner tells kids to go to bed in acceptance speech, etc. If it had been a drinking game, I would have been loaded within the first hour (and nobody needs me to be hurling up coconut pie all over the damn place).

Anyways, here are my thoughts of the night:

Michelle Williams' date was Busy Phillips. Isn't that adorable? She isn't dating anyone, so she took her best friend. I love Busy Phillips so much and I love that her and her BFF had a girls night last night. Also, Michelle Williams is the best. I wish I had her life (well, maybe not the part about her daughter's father dying, but everything else I guess. ESPECIALLY THE MAKING OUT WITH RYAN GOSLING PART, OBVIOUSLY!!!!)

Jennifer Lawrence from Winter's Bone is amazing and I am so glad she brought the slut out last night. Everyone was dressed so mumsy. If I were to go to the Oscars, I'd wear a Baywatch Nights dress too. You go, Glen Coco.

Christian Bale won an award and looked like a sleepy Jesus. He deserves it. I didn't see The Fighter, but I heard that Marky Mark laid the shit down and made it happen (what the fuck did I just write?) Also, where was I going with this? Ah yes. Christian Bale will never win an award for American Psycho or Newsies or Burtmurr, so I guess it's his time.

Natalie Portman won an Oscar. NEXT!

The Social Network barely won shit. THANK YOU, NACHO GOD! The Social Network was overrated at best, and I have no idea why it was nominated for as many awards as it was. Seriously, Pepsi Girl's brother for Best Actor? More like blow me. I think the most embarrassing part is that one of the 3 awards it won was Best Original Score, which means that Trent Nine Inch Nails (LOL LOL LOL) Reznor has an Oscar now. BAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! OMG, is this a joke?

Banksy didn't win an Oscar. GOOD. I think this quote from Charlie Brooker sums up best how I feel about Banksy's work: "His work looks dazzlingly clever to idiots." TRUTH.

Could Melissa Leo's speech have made you like her any less? Jesus, she sounded like a crackhead. Melissa Leo dresses like a hooker and shouts at people and gets an Academy Award (I do that shit every day. WHERE'S MY AWARD?). Melissa Leo drops the Fuck word (whoah! These ain't your Gramma's Oscars! Even though Melissa Leo is like, what, 60?). Melissa Leo grabs Spartacus's cane (WHICH HE NEEDS TO WALK, BITCH! That shit ain't a prop). Did. Not. Like. Can I remind you all that Mo'Nique won the same award last year and dropped a speech that was HOT FIRE and owned that shit for life? BOOM BITCH BYE, Melissa Leo! You lose.


AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS HAPPENED!!!!!! This was some American Idol foolery. Someone call Cellino and Barnes, cause G's shit-singing DAMAGED MY EARS! All jokes aside though, Gwyneth was turrible. I don't know who is encouraging her to sing, but it's a sick joke and I want it to stop now.



In the words of my friend Travis: "Randy Newman rules". Word! He does. He's been nominated 20 times and this is his second Oscar. Um, hello? Only his second? Every song he writes should get an award (for Amazing Mumbly Weirdness). But his speech was amazing. Also he wrote Baltimore, and that song is thumbs up for life.


Best Picture went to The King's Speech. You think I'm going to say something smarmy and assholey about it, but here's the truth - that movie is really effing good. Like, Jesus Christ, Colin Firth can't even talk for 1.5 hours of it. It's brutal. Imagine having a stuttering problem so bad that you can't even get the words out of your mouth? Crap. Do not want. Also I think I cried twice while watching it (SHUT UP). So it can win. Also, really, what did we think was going to win? The Social Network? Don't make me laugh (no seriously, don't - I'm still trying to digest nachos).

2.16.2011

Can I tell you about my Valentine's Day?

Hey everyone! I hope you all had an amazing Valentine's Day! Let me tell you - I had the BEST V-Day of my life. It was so romantic and special and elegant; I feel like Angelina Jolie would have been JELLIS of what my man did for me on Monday night. OMG, so can I please tell you about it? I took pictures!

During my lunch break at my job at the Whitecrest Mall's Bebe Outlet, I went to find something sexy to surprise Jeremy with during dinner. We were planning on staying in instead of going out for dinner (Jeremy is on a tight budget after he maxed out his credit card on a super expensive spoiler for his Kia Sedona, and he doesn't have any cash coming in since he was fired from Taco Bell for using the sour cream dispenser for "lewd acts"). So I thought, what better way to surprise him when he got to my house than by opening the door in something skimpy, lacy, and RED!!! I found the perfect outfit: a silk nightie with a matching red and black kimono. OMG, right?!?! The best part was that it came in a 2XL, which would be tight enough to show off my curves. The belt wasn't really long enough, so I had to extend it with some telephone cable (which was hidden at the back, so it's not like you could see it or anything). I even managed to find a scrunchie that matched my ensemble to tie my hair back (my hair extensions still smell like burnt polyester from Valentine's Day 2010, and 2011 is sure as hell not going to be the year I throw them out, so I wanted to make sure they wouldn't fall into any flames or candles or stove elements this time).

After I found the sexiest outfit ON EARTH, I decided to throw out all my bedroom pillows and replace them with these super-cute plush red hearts. Oh. Em. Gee! Are you looking at this? My bed was awash in giant red funfur pillows. The best part is that these pillows will look good all year long because they will always put me and Jeremy in the mood, and that's what the boudoir is for, right?

On to dinner! Jeremy and I don't much care for fruit (so much blander than fruit-flavoured stuff, am I right?) so we skipped the chocolate-dipped strawberries and went right for the main course - a giant 160-piece box of assorted chocolates. Swoon! And are you looking at this box? Pretty sexy. I asked the woman at Wal-Mart to double-bag it so that people couldn't see what I was buying (I wanted my privacy, you know? Nobody needs to know how kinky I am!) Oh, and in case you were wondering - the chocolates were devoured in minutes! My only regret was that I didn't wait for Jeremy to come home before I ate them all :(

Jeremy had been planning for Valentine's Day for weeks, apparently, because my apartment was a hedonistic den of pleasures come 7:00pm Monday evening! In my bedroom, laid amongst my brand new Valentine pillows, were tens of tens of artificial rose petals (there must have been at least 19) along with two twinkling tea lights perched atop my stack of Twilight novels. I finally know what Saint Valentine meant when he created this holiday 100 years ago. Jeremy took my hand and pressed a joint into it and we smoketh it, breathing in all the stanky fumes (from the tea lights - I think the wicks were mostly lead). Also he had rolled the joint in one of the rose petals which was probably not a good idea; the box said they were Made in Cambodia and when I Googled the company name, the only results were for local morticians in my area.

Then it was gift time!!! Jeremy gave me a glass bottle shaped like my cooter with papers inside that had love poems on them! 3 of the 4 were pre-printed with poems and sayings and stuff, and the 4th had a message he WROTE HIMSELF! He's seriously the best. It said:
GRIL IT ALWAIS THE RITE TIME 2 ON U HOW SPESHIL YOU IS XOXO JER
I know. Every time I read it my eyes tear up. He is the love of my life and the most romantic man I know. Sorry ladies (wink) he's mine! THAT MEANS YOU STACY HARRISON, YOU SKANK.

Finally, after all the romance and love was done, it was time to get down to business - S-E-X! I'm such a Samantha, so Valentine's Day nookie is pretty much obligatory (I mean, HELLO! I didn't spend $15 on a negligee for nothing). Jeremy and I decided to get down and dirty with a little role-playing. He was going to be a devil-may-care graffiti artist and I would be the massive abandoned factory building he would tag. We got some edible spray paint and stencils (seriously the most fun I've had in the bedroom since Sex Dice) and he tagged me so much I looked like Kat Von D (um, in my dreams, obviously!) And guess what? The spray was EDIBLE! My favourite word. I was able to eat all the Xs and Os off me; the only down side was that it tasted a bit like strawberry Crisco, so I think I'll just be using it for perfume post-Valentine's Day. Although I think that halfway through Jeremy ran out of edible spray paint and used real spray paint, because I have not been able to scrub a few black heart-shaped mark off my face and arms. Oh, also it looks like someone has sprayed the word DOOKY across my butt. Hmmmm. That might have been me.

Anyways, all in all, this was the most romantic, incredible Valentine's Day I've ever had. I even got a ring!!!! Actually, I got 9; Jeremy fried us up some post-coitus onion rings in the T-Fal. Happy Love Day, y'all!

2.14.2011

Valentine's Conversation Hearts

While browsing the internets today, I found a candy heart generator wherein you can print your own messages. It's the best time waster I have found in a long, long time. If you have a good 60 minutes to kill, visit it by clicking here. You can thank me later with a muffin basket. Anyways, here are some of my favourites that I made. Know what the worst part is? These are the ones that made the cut; that means that there were literally hundreds others that I thought were too tasteless, stupid, or all-round inappropriate.





















Happy Valentine's Day!


Tomorrow there will be an awesome Valentine's Day post, complete with pictures. I couldn't have it ready for today because I was far too busy eating an entire heart-shaped box of chocolates and weeping into t-shirts from past boyfriends. KIDDING. But seriously, you know someone out there is doing that and I am straight-up jealous, because I don't have a heart-shaped box of chocolates to gorge on. Ugh, SIGH. There's always tomorrow (when all the Valentine's Day candy is on sale).

See you tomorrow!