Can I tell you about my Valentine's Day?

Hey everyone! I hope you all had an amazing Valentine's Day! Let me tell you - I had the BEST V-Day of my life. It was so romantic and special and elegant; I feel like Angelina Jolie would have been JELLIS of what my man did for me on Monday night. OMG, so can I please tell you about it? I took pictures!

During my lunch break at my job at the Whitecrest Mall's Bebe Outlet, I went to find something sexy to surprise Jeremy with during dinner. We were planning on staying in instead of going out for dinner (Jeremy is on a tight budget after he maxed out his credit card on a super expensive spoiler for his Kia Sedona, and he doesn't have any cash coming in since he was fired from Taco Bell for using the sour cream dispenser for "lewd acts"). So I thought, what better way to surprise him when he got to my house than by opening the door in something skimpy, lacy, and RED!!! I found the perfect outfit: a silk nightie with a matching red and black kimono. OMG, right?!?! The best part was that it came in a 2XL, which would be tight enough to show off my curves. The belt wasn't really long enough, so I had to extend it with some telephone cable (which was hidden at the back, so it's not like you could see it or anything). I even managed to find a scrunchie that matched my ensemble to tie my hair back (my hair extensions still smell like burnt polyester from Valentine's Day 2010, and 2011 is sure as hell not going to be the year I throw them out, so I wanted to make sure they wouldn't fall into any flames or candles or stove elements this time).

After I found the sexiest outfit ON EARTH, I decided to throw out all my bedroom pillows and replace them with these super-cute plush red hearts. Oh. Em. Gee! Are you looking at this? My bed was awash in giant red funfur pillows. The best part is that these pillows will look good all year long because they will always put me and Jeremy in the mood, and that's what the boudoir is for, right?

On to dinner! Jeremy and I don't much care for fruit (so much blander than fruit-flavoured stuff, am I right?) so we skipped the chocolate-dipped strawberries and went right for the main course - a giant 160-piece box of assorted chocolates. Swoon! And are you looking at this box? Pretty sexy. I asked the woman at Wal-Mart to double-bag it so that people couldn't see what I was buying (I wanted my privacy, you know? Nobody needs to know how kinky I am!) Oh, and in case you were wondering - the chocolates were devoured in minutes! My only regret was that I didn't wait for Jeremy to come home before I ate them all :(

Jeremy had been planning for Valentine's Day for weeks, apparently, because my apartment was a hedonistic den of pleasures come 7:00pm Monday evening! In my bedroom, laid amongst my brand new Valentine pillows, were tens of tens of artificial rose petals (there must have been at least 19) along with two twinkling tea lights perched atop my stack of Twilight novels. I finally know what Saint Valentine meant when he created this holiday 100 years ago. Jeremy took my hand and pressed a joint into it and we smoketh it, breathing in all the stanky fumes (from the tea lights - I think the wicks were mostly lead). Also he had rolled the joint in one of the rose petals which was probably not a good idea; the box said they were Made in Cambodia and when I Googled the company name, the only results were for local morticians in my area.

Then it was gift time!!! Jeremy gave me a glass bottle shaped like my cooter with papers inside that had love poems on them! 3 of the 4 were pre-printed with poems and sayings and stuff, and the 4th had a message he WROTE HIMSELF! He's seriously the best. It said:
I know. Every time I read it my eyes tear up. He is the love of my life and the most romantic man I know. Sorry ladies (wink) he's mine! THAT MEANS YOU STACY HARRISON, YOU SKANK.

Finally, after all the romance and love was done, it was time to get down to business - S-E-X! I'm such a Samantha, so Valentine's Day nookie is pretty much obligatory (I mean, HELLO! I didn't spend $15 on a negligee for nothing). Jeremy and I decided to get down and dirty with a little role-playing. He was going to be a devil-may-care graffiti artist and I would be the massive abandoned factory building he would tag. We got some edible spray paint and stencils (seriously the most fun I've had in the bedroom since Sex Dice) and he tagged me so much I looked like Kat Von D (um, in my dreams, obviously!) And guess what? The spray was EDIBLE! My favourite word. I was able to eat all the Xs and Os off me; the only down side was that it tasted a bit like strawberry Crisco, so I think I'll just be using it for perfume post-Valentine's Day. Although I think that halfway through Jeremy ran out of edible spray paint and used real spray paint, because I have not been able to scrub a few black heart-shaped mark off my face and arms. Oh, also it looks like someone has sprayed the word DOOKY across my butt. Hmmmm. That might have been me.

Anyways, all in all, this was the most romantic, incredible Valentine's Day I've ever had. I even got a ring!!!! Actually, I got 9; Jeremy fried us up some post-coitus onion rings in the T-Fal. Happy Love Day, y'all!


Renee said...

yeah, see, this is why you're my favorite.

Abby said...

Holy crap, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Well done. I SAID WELL DONE.