The Oscars!!!

Oh my god, the face that Daniel Desario (FREAKS AND GEEKS FOR LIFE) is giving us is the same face I gave through all 4 hours of the Oscars last night. Just...silent frustration. I'll talk about the rest of the show in a second, but can I please just dedicate a solid 5 to how much I hate Anne Hathaway?

Okay, where to start? She is fucking obnoxious. If you didn't know that already, then you do after last night. Anne Hathaway is basically a musical theatre kid, and what's more annoying and obnoxious than a theatre kid? Exactly, nothing. They're the worst. Seriously; they all need to be surrounded by other delusional egotists, all yelling over one another, trying to be the centre of attention for the longest amount of time. Anne Hathaway made last night the LOOK AT ME! SERIOUSLY LOOK AT ME! LISTEN TO ME SING!-show. It was tremendously pathetic. Every single thing she said made me roll my eyes and pray for Billy Crystal to mutiny the show and take over. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine what kind of people are her friends. Who would want to have beers with this woman? Does she have friends? If she wasn't an actress, she'd be that girl in your office who LOOOOOOVES Glee and Julia Roberts movies and "just found this hilarious website called LOL Cats!" Aka she'd be a clueless, annoying blathermouth who would constantly be telling you how many calories are in her lunch (so....the worst, really). Also she was in two Princess Diaries movies and Ella Enchanted. GROSS!

Alright, that's all the time I can dedicate to Anne Hathaway (ugh, even her name is annoying). Moving on to bigger and better things. Last night's broadcast was saved only by the makeshift Oscar's party my friends and I had. I made a pie (coconut cream, which was delicious, btw) and nachos (which I ate too many of). My friend printed out some amazing Oscars bingo cards that we all stuck to religiously and got really competitive over. The squares were like: Oprah Winfrey presents an award (she did! She always does, right?), actress's dress has long sleeves, mispronounced name, awkward political statement in acceptance speech, winner tells kids to go to bed in acceptance speech, etc. If it had been a drinking game, I would have been loaded within the first hour (and nobody needs me to be hurling up coconut pie all over the damn place).

Anyways, here are my thoughts of the night:

Michelle Williams' date was Busy Phillips. Isn't that adorable? She isn't dating anyone, so she took her best friend. I love Busy Phillips so much and I love that her and her BFF had a girls night last night. Also, Michelle Williams is the best. I wish I had her life (well, maybe not the part about her daughter's father dying, but everything else I guess. ESPECIALLY THE MAKING OUT WITH RYAN GOSLING PART, OBVIOUSLY!!!!)

Jennifer Lawrence from Winter's Bone is amazing and I am so glad she brought the slut out last night. Everyone was dressed so mumsy. If I were to go to the Oscars, I'd wear a Baywatch Nights dress too. You go, Glen Coco.

Christian Bale won an award and looked like a sleepy Jesus. He deserves it. I didn't see The Fighter, but I heard that Marky Mark laid the shit down and made it happen (what the fuck did I just write?) Also, where was I going with this? Ah yes. Christian Bale will never win an award for American Psycho or Newsies or Burtmurr, so I guess it's his time.

Natalie Portman won an Oscar. NEXT!

The Social Network barely won shit. THANK YOU, NACHO GOD! The Social Network was overrated at best, and I have no idea why it was nominated for as many awards as it was. Seriously, Pepsi Girl's brother for Best Actor? More like blow me. I think the most embarrassing part is that one of the 3 awards it won was Best Original Score, which means that Trent Nine Inch Nails (LOL LOL LOL) Reznor has an Oscar now. BAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! OMG, is this a joke?

Banksy didn't win an Oscar. GOOD. I think this quote from Charlie Brooker sums up best how I feel about Banksy's work: "His work looks dazzlingly clever to idiots." TRUTH.

Could Melissa Leo's speech have made you like her any less? Jesus, she sounded like a crackhead. Melissa Leo dresses like a hooker and shouts at people and gets an Academy Award (I do that shit every day. WHERE'S MY AWARD?). Melissa Leo drops the Fuck word (whoah! These ain't your Gramma's Oscars! Even though Melissa Leo is like, what, 60?). Melissa Leo grabs Spartacus's cane (WHICH HE NEEDS TO WALK, BITCH! That shit ain't a prop). Did. Not. Like. Can I remind you all that Mo'Nique won the same award last year and dropped a speech that was HOT FIRE and owned that shit for life? BOOM BITCH BYE, Melissa Leo! You lose.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS HAPPENED!!!!!! This was some American Idol foolery. Someone call Cellino and Barnes, cause G's shit-singing DAMAGED MY EARS! All jokes aside though, Gwyneth was turrible. I don't know who is encouraging her to sing, but it's a sick joke and I want it to stop now.

In the words of my friend Travis: "Randy Newman rules". Word! He does. He's been nominated 20 times and this is his second Oscar. Um, hello? Only his second? Every song he writes should get an award (for Amazing Mumbly Weirdness). But his speech was amazing. Also he wrote Baltimore, and that song is thumbs up for life.

Best Picture went to The King's Speech. You think I'm going to say something smarmy and assholey about it, but here's the truth - that movie is really effing good. Like, Jesus Christ, Colin Firth can't even talk for 1.5 hours of it. It's brutal. Imagine having a stuttering problem so bad that you can't even get the words out of your mouth? Crap. Do not want. Also I think I cried twice while watching it (SHUT UP). So it can win. Also, really, what did we think was going to win? The Social Network? Don't make me laugh (no seriously, don't - I'm still trying to digest nachos).


alex davey said...

did you read this?

ummm, james franco for the win. he knew the award show was going to sink, NO MATTER WHAT, so he bailed. within two minutes.

The Mayor said...

James Franco for the life-win. Anne Hathaway is the worst. James Franco made the best of a bad situation (aka got totally baked backstage)

Alice said...

I have to laugh at that picture of Anne Hathaway you posted, not just the dumb try-so-hard-why-don't-you-love-me face but her boobs in that dress! If I tried that on and my boobs looked liked that, I'd be like "hells no" and put it back on the rack.

Also, what did they expect? I detest when shows (or anything, really) tries to appeal to a "young, hip" demographic. Oscars are the new New Coke or Pepsi Clear.

The Mayor said...

Best comment. I agree. The Oscars are Schwepps Gingerale, not Mountain Dew.