3.29.2011

Hi American readers! Will ya send me some motherfucking Peeps?

This morning I was reading one of my favourite blogs (the sadly lazily-named Candy Blog) and to my surprise, they did a little post about Marshmallow Peeps. I love Peeps. I do, and not just for the cute irony. We all know people who, around Easter/April, are all "OMG LOL PEEPS!!! I LOVE THOSE!! SO YUMMERS!" but then you watch them take one bite and they grimace? Yeah, exactly. You don't love Peeps; you just love the idea of putting them in an intricately designed diorama about Glee or something. I, on the other hand, love the taste of Peeps. There's something so satisfying about that first crunch of sugar before you hit marshmallow. Or when you bite off the eyes and convince yourself that the eyes taste different, even though they're just little dots of brown royal icing. Oh my god, I'm getting a little too excited about Peeps right now. I'm actually typing with a smile (I HAVE FOOD ISSUES FOR REAL). Anyways, herein lies the problem. In Canada, we don't get nearly the flavors that Americans do; fuck, such is life, right? I guess that's the trade-off for having Free Healthcare. We get to go to the hospital any time we want, and you get a milli flavours of candy and chips.

So whatever, back to my point. On Candy Blog they were talking about some chocolate-dipped Peeps. Um, esscuse me? Chocolate-dipped Peeps? Yarlee, that sounds delicious. What a dream. And they come in milk and dark? AND they also come with chocolate-mousse flavoured marshmallow? Stick a fork in me, I'm done. I want all of those. I decided to go to the Peeps website to learn more. Have you ever been to the Peeps website? You need to see it. It's so goddamn adorable. A marshmallow Peep bunny in a sailor suit greeted me. Is this real life? On to the delicious Peep varietals. You can choose different holidays, because Peeps aren't just for Easter any more (these ain't your Mother's Peeps. HOLLA) but I decided to just stick with Easter Peeps. I mean, the other holidays are pretty lazy. What do they do, heart-shaped marshmallows on Valentine's Day? Boooooring. Tree shapes at Christmas? Snoooore. Easter is more fun.

Peeps Chocolate Dipped Marshmallow Chicks
Um, yarm? Could these be delicious? Answer: yes, absolutely. Crunchy sugar, soft marshmallow, creamy chocolate. I want these now. And can you get them in Canada? Nope! Cammon, it's not like we don't like chocolate and marshmallow-y things here. I want to try both. Also, these are the ones that come in chocolate-mousse Peep with chocolate on the bottom. Oh my god, that sounds narmally. Also Peeps come in a lot of different colours in the States: yellow, orange, pink, green, blue, purple. We get yellow, and sometimes pink if we're lucky. And yes, I get that the colour of sugar doesn't really make a difference in taste, but I don't care. It tastes different to me. Sometimes I want a green Peep. Or a purple Peep. I don't want to always be stuck with yellow. Peeps are multicultural: I should be able to celebrate that.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I really want some American peeps. Here is the trade-off: if you send me some amazing American Peeps, I will draw you something really really good. Better than a Christmas card. And it can be anything. And you will go crazy for it. So is that alright? Send me Peeps? I'll send you a drawing? Or something very very Canadian? It will be like having a pen-pal (except the pen-pal on the other end will be dying for marshmallow candy, which is all kinds of sad).

Email me at skipraid@gmail.com for more info. SEND ME YOUR PEEPS!!!!

3.23.2011

I Have Questions

A lot of my friends enjoy having me around because I can answer almost any question they have. This is due to countless hours spent watching Jeopardy!, reading Wikipedia, and watching Dr.Oz. To me, there is a difference between those who are smart and those who are knowledgeable. I feel that I am knowledgeable; I have the ability to retain facts and stories that some might otherwise deem "un-useful". A smart person might know the year that Prussia stopped being a country, but a knowledgeable person will know just how many different types of squirrels were living there. And while I'm not a know-it-all in the Ken Jennings way (ie. Able to retain almost as much knowledge as a robot. Stress on the word almost. Oh, BURN!), I am a very specific type of knowledgeable person: Someone Who Likes to Know A Lot About Nothing. I like to know as much about nothing as possible. So when I hear a weird story or see a gross picture, I like to take it all in, memorize everything I've seen and read, and re-play it in my memory forever. I imagine that when I'm old and lying in my Retirement Home bed, I'll look at my grandchildren and shout "WHO DIS??" while pleasantly re-playing Season 2 of Mr. Show in my head. Naw, just kidding, my Grandchildren will be cats. Anyways, here is a new posting theme I'll be doing a lot from now on called: I Have Questions. And today's IHQ is in regards to this new story:

Meat Lover! The Scariest (True) NYC Sublet Story You've Ever Heard

Okay, so I read this article that my bff sent me (lies! I had a headache so she paraphrased it for me. This is why we're besties.) but all you need to know is the gist of it:
- A guy moved to New York and was looking for an apartment
- He found a guy through friends
- The rent was very very cheap for the location/size
- He asked the apartment owner why it was so cheap, so he decided to level with him and told him exactly why
- He had rented the room to a guy he met on Craigslist
- The guy kept to himself; he barely saw him (he was ok with that)
- The room started smelling weird, so when the guy went out he unlocked the door to snoop
- He found a pair of pants, a sweatshirt, shoes, gloves, etc. in the shape of a human body stuffed with Chinese food
- OLD ASS CHINESE FOOD
- There was a tear in the...uh...durnsturs...that was used for...uh...farking
- He kicked the guy out immediately and got it fumigated. The smell never left. So all he could do to rent out the room now was make the rent super cheap.

Okay, so here we go. I Have Questions:

1. Chinese Food isn't that cheap. I mean, you'd have to spend at least $100 on Chinese food in order to stuff a human-sized body with it. And, to the best of my knowledge, can you not buy a reasonably-priced low-end sex doll for about $100? Why wouldn't you just spend the money on the sex doll instead of stuffing old clothes with Chinese food?

2. Was he getting the Chinese food for free? From a dumpster? I live near a green grocer and I can get tons of semi-rotten broccoli and spinach out of the dumpster for free, but I would never bring it into my home (let alone stuff a sex doll with it).

3. What obscure series of events would have to happen in one's life in order for them to develop a fetish that involves both rotten Chinese food and hideously lumpy misshapen scarecrow bodies? Did this guy get his first boner during a viewing of The Wizard of Oz at a Chinese food restaurant?

4. I enjoy that the sex doll had no discernible gender. Win one for gender neutrality, amirite?! I like to imagine the guy picking the clothes from a donation bin or second hard store and asking the staff stuff like "Do you have any more unisex hoodies? How about unisex button-fly Levis? Come on people! It's 2011! I should be able to fuck a pile of noodle-stuffed clothing without having to adhere to out-of-date gender labels like he and she!"

5. Grandpaw Sez: "Back in my day, if you wanted to have sex with something that wasn't a lady, you used to have to go out to a barnyard or find a deflated inner-tube. And Chinese food was for eating! Our family was so poor we used to split an egg roll 6-ways, and I always got the crusty end part. We didn't have noodles, and we definitely wouldn't have wasted them on our weeners! And FDR was the greatest President this country ever did see!"

6. If we had to guess the race of the evil ex-fiancee who left him jilted at the altar 2 years earlier, do we wanna guess.....Asian?

7. So he goes to all the trouble of hoarding that much Chinese food, stuffing it all in the crevasses of a makeshift-body, and then having sex with it repeatedly. This must take weeks (or at least several long days). And then he has sex with it over and over again to the point that all the smells (food, meat, rotten sauce, rotten "sauce") are overpowering your roommate. Surely someone that dedicated to masturbation knows of the Fleshlight, right? I mean, cammon guy - there are other ways to get off that don't involve having sex with hazardous food waste.

8. Did he have a gf/bf? (Trick question: the Chinese food body was his gf/bf)

9. But really, don't you want to know his backstory? Maybe he was spurned by some girl he had a crush on, but instead of going all Taxi Driver, he used all the energy he would have put into a Mayoral assassination into building a Chinese food fuck doll. Or! Let's say it's like Black Swan and on the outside he seems totally normal, but in his mind he's not stuffing his penis into an old pair of Jordache jeans filled with Lo Mein noodles, but gently making love to his dying wife before the Titanic sinks.
But in all likelihood, he knows full-well that he's just fucking a pile of trash.

10. Why Chinese food? Think about it.

11. Why the whole body? He had stuffed boots with Chinese food too, but he wasn't putting his chopsticks in those (and yes, I know I shouldn't have pluralized chopstick. But it just seemed weird. NEWSFLASH - THIS WHOLE POST IS FULL OF WEIRD!!!) So he stuffs a whole body, but he really only needs an 8" deep sock stuffed with ramen noodles for this to work. Is he lazy? Does he need something to rest his weight on? Is he getting that tired? In other news, I think I just figured out why girls won't have sex with him anymore.

12. A lot of people in the comments section of the article are screaming FAKE! But for real, I can totally relate to this story. I had a roommate that I found on Craigslist. Let's call him Wally. So I interview Wally and he seems really normal: quiet, works from home, works a lot, very serious about saving some rent money so that one day he'll own a house. I let him move in and then I literally never saw him EVER. His room reeked. The only way I can describe it is the smell of damp hair, dirty underwear, balls, asses, old food, BO, mouth smell, stale air. He always had a lock on the door. So one time I peeped in his room to make sure there wasn't a hooker body propped up in the closet, and I found...nothing. Literally, nothing. He was just a dirty fucking pig who rarely showered, didn't use deodorant, masturbated all the time (probably, I'm just going to assume) and ate in his room. But he paid his rent on time and never bounced a cheque, so while I came close to kicking his dirty ass out, I never did, because in the grand scheme of things, he was just a loner/hermit. He also had a bunch of katanas in his room and that scared me a little, but in the words of one my friends: "If he was going to stab you to death, he'd have already done it". Truth! And I never got stabbed.

13. How much would I have to pay you to eat that Chinese food from the crotch area? EWWWWWWW! JK JK JK JK

14. Did the Chinese food sex doll have a name?

15. Did the Chinese food sex doll have a back-story? I like to imagine the guy coming back from the store, shaking off his coat when he enters his bedroom and speaking to it like it was his wife. "Sure is a hot one out there. Supposed to be breaking some records today - highest temps in April for New York. Last time they seen it this warm was 1923. Shoot, I forgot to get you those sewing needles at the craft store. Can I get them tomorrow? Aw, you always understand. C'mere you - gimme a kiss". BAAAAAARF.

16. Is there a Kinsey study or something that explains why boys like to put their weeners in food and shit? Like, girls don't do that crap; you'll never find us on the couch with two slices of bologna in between the couch cushions or a ziplock bag filled with lotion inside another ziplock bag filled with hot water (it sounds weird, but it's a prison thing. Look it up). I don't get it. It sounds like guys will have "sex" with just about anything. How desperate and weird are dudes?!?!?

17. Do you think the guy stuck to noodle-based dishes or rice-based dishes?

3.16.2011

France, we should be together (insert Eminem's Stan here)

This week I was given the greatest gift. A total stranger was using the Google to search for information on Yellow Mustard-flavoured potato chips and came across The Skip-Raid. I know, right? What does Google have against this guy? Anyways, so he was directed to this post I did last year in April about how much I would love to see Mustard chips happen. Well, apparently they DO happen. I know what you're thinking - "Probably in Japan, right?" Answer: Nope! Apparently they have Mustard-flavoured chips in.....France (of all places). Although I guess it makes sense - Grey Poupon and all. So this fantastic soul referred me to the Lays France website for proof, and what do I find? Lays France has a million amazing flavours that I have never tried. I am dying!!! And, what luck for me, my sister is going to France in 2 weeks. Here are the flavours I would die to try (get fat or die tryin):

Lay's Saveur Moutard Pickles (Mustard pickles flavour?)
Description: Un goût finement relevé.
Shitty Internet Translation: A finely raised taste.
Okay, so here is the OG of chips for me. I want to try these mustard chips so much, but here is my fear: I am a vinegar/brine person and not a sweet-savoury person. For instance, I hate honey-garlic wings. I hate sweet-and-sour food. I hate sweet pickles and relish. So it goes without saying that I don't like dijon mustard or honey mustard or dijonaisse or anything like that. I like sour, vinegary yellow mustard. LOVE it. It's what I dip my chips in. I could pour it over hot dogs. When I go to McDonalds I always ask for more mustard to put on my cheeseburger. So I'm really hoping that the flavour profile of these is more of a strong vinegar and not that of a mild mustardseed. That little illustration of a jar isn't helping any though - if it was a yellow mustard flavour, I would imagine they would go for a picture of the yellow squeeze bottle. So I will brace myself for something mild and smooth, barely mustard-y. Maybe a bit spicy? Oooh, the anticipation is killing me!

And another thing...why has no one invented a condiment that is 1/2 mayo and 1/2 mustard? Seriously, it makes so much senses; plus, mayo and mustard is delicious together. Creamy mustard? Yes pls! Maybe I'll just make some when I go home. I will call it Mayonard. Ew! That sounds gross. Maybe Musty-Creme. EW WORSE!!!!

Lay's Saveur Bolognaise (Bolognaise flavour)
Description: Toutes les saveurs et la richesse de la bolognaise, pour une pause plaisir réussie.
Shitty Internet Translation: All savours and richness of the bolognaise, for a pause pleasure succeeded.
This is such a conundrum, right? When you think of bolognaise sause, don't you imagine a tomato-y beefy Chef Boyardee-type sludge? Like, when I think of Bolognaise, I think of Beefaroni. But this picture is of tomato and basil. Hmmm. I feel like the French have a poor grasp of Italian food, so they just think Bolognaise = tomatoes and basil sauce. This chip could be really tasty - like bruschetta, but without all the heavy garlicy overtones that a bruschetta chip might have. I wonder what colour they are. Red, like Ketchup chips? Or green, like jalapeno chips?
UPDATE: After a bit of Googling this one, I have found that this type of chip gets recalled all the damn time. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat is that about? I don't want no dirt nasty chips (we have enough of those in Canada...All Dressed, thankyouverymuch).

Lay's Max Craquantes Saveur Cheeseburger (Cheeseburger flavour)
Description: Lay's lance une nouvelle saveur cheeseburger, un parfum inédit et original, laissez-vous surprendre!
Shitty Internet Translation: Lay's launches a new savoury cheeseburger, a perfume new and original, let you surprise! (whoah, does that sound like a Chinese to English translation or what?)
Like Jughead, I love cheeseburgers. I love them. I want a cheeseburger buffet at my wedding. I want to sleep on a bed of cheeseburgers. I want to go on a horse-and-cheeseburger ride though an Autumn field. I seriously love the combination of white bread, ground beef, processed cheddar cheese, a single slimy pickle, and mustard. Love love love. And I love Whoppers. The cheeseburger on this bag looks like a Whopper (BE STILL MY STRUGGLING-TO-BEAT HEART!!!) Now, I'm no stranger to cheeseburger-flavoured snacks; I tried the Doritos Late Night Cheeseburger flavour and I really liked it, but I didn't like the crispy crunch of a tortilla chip. I can handle about 20 Doritos before my stomach starts to turn on me ("Back off bitch, it's getting gross in hurr"). So I'm really excited to try a potato chip. The only caveat is that the cheeseburger chip is ridged, which I don't like. I enjoy my chips flat and thin - more cushion for the flavour pushin (EW, WHY DID I WRITE THAT?!?!?). So this chip could be a total miss. I am hoping for a hit. But I don't have high hopes. Sigh.

If you have been to England or France and you can think of any awesome chips I might like (trick question: ALL OF THEMS) then holla at me!

3.15.2011

Welcome to probably the only time I will ever talk about The Bachelor

Okay, I promise you a decent post this week sometime, but I have been lazy for the past 168 hours (yeah right, more like 27 years) and I'm sorry that I'm coming to you with this. I'm like a cat that normally brings you dead birds and mice, but this morning you get a used condom I dug up from a sandbox in a public playground. So...my apologies. Anyways, here's the thing about The Bachelor:
I do not give one single flying fudge about this show.
I don't. I just cannot care. I don't want any of them to find love. Hell, I don't want any of them to get laid. I just cannot be bothered with them. I hate that the final goal is a wedding ring. UGH. It's just gross. But. BUT. It doesn't mean I don't watch this shit every week. I know what you're thinking: "If you hate it so much, why do you waste your time? You need to get a life and stop being a hater". Well, to you I say:
1. I do need to get a life
2. See above
But really, you know I watch shit TV. It's my life. For all the Parks and Recreation and Breaking Bad I watch, there is an equal number of Dancing with the Stars and Toddlers and Tiaras. Deal with it. Sometimes watching stupid fake dating shows with sweeping helicopter shots of mountains and prom gowns on 30-year-old women is fun. Sometimes it's nice to just sit on your couch getting high as hell off cheap nail polish fumes and laughing for an hour at Brad Womack's stupid Hillbilly drawl. Okay, so moving on...

I don't normally watch The Bachelor. Only if it looks like it's going to be a truly tragic trainwreck will I invest interest in it. But my bff told me that we need to start watching it and making a weekly thing of it. Sure! Why not? But seriously, after 2 episodes, you get invested in that shit. Like, I would get excited for Monday nights at 8pm. So I watched nearly every episode. And - doye - of course I watched the finale last night. Even though I spoiled the ending for myself waaaay back in episode 1 by reading Reality Steve. Whatever, it was still fun to watch (even if I knew who was going to get the final rose/wedding ring/ride around mountains in a helicopter).

Or so I thought.

On Reality Steve I was told he was going to pick Chantal. Last night he didn't. I was actually shocked! So I guess what I'm getting at is...I have questions about last night's Bachelor finale.

1. Okay, he seriously picked Emily? Was it written in his contract that he HAD to pick someone this time around (in case you didn't know, Brad was the Bachelor once before and he didn't pick anyone. Good for you Brad! When life hands you two lemon-shaped turds, drop them!) Don't get me wrong, they both weren't heinous, but they both weren't that great. Plus, Emily comes with baggage (that baggage being a daughter named Ricky...after her NASCAR-driving redneck highschool boyfriend Ricky. RICKY BOBBY!!!)

2. What was up with those dresses last night? Why do they get all dressed up like they're going to the Oscars? This show is so cheesy.

3. Why did they decide to go on a glamorous trip to South Africa? Nothing about this show makes sense. If I was on a dating show trying to find a husband, I would want it to be as real as possible. Luxury vacations to Cape Town? I don't think so. It should be dates at Subway and seeing how long it takes him to fart in front of me.

4. Something about Chantal is off. She seems nice enough, but also could be a masterbitch if given the chance. I could also see her cheating on Brad. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?!?! I don't know these effing people. They're characters on a show.

5. So...Brad's twin brother is named Chad? Oh Southern America...you give and you give and you give. I owe you for all the easy jokes.

6. When we got to meet Brad's family, here was my first thought: "I think Brad's brother's wives are escorts". Shhhiiiiit, you know you need to change your style when...

7. Emily is SUCH a nag. For the past 4 episodes, all she says is this (say it in a hillbilly Southern accent): "Brayd, are yoo raddy to be ah daddy? Bein' a daddy ain't always fun. It ain't fun, ya know. Sometimes kids be all uncareful and gotta go to tha docter and stuff. Brayd? Brayd? Yoo listenin' to me? Brayd! Answur me, are yoo raddy to be a daddy??" It's like, we get it! You're auditioning new dads for Lil' Ricky Bobby. Jesus Emily, do you even know what Brad's favourite movie is? (Answer: Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector).

8. During the episode where they go back and meet the parents, how much cut-eye did Emily's daughter give to Brad? SO MUCH. She is going to straight up haaaaate him as a stepdad. MAKE A REALITY SHOW ABOUT THIS!!! I could totally see Lil' Ricky Bobby throwing shit at Brad and calling him a "dick hayud" and Emily being like "Hay thar, don't be sassin' yer Daddy...Ricky...didja hear me? Don't be sassin' please. Ricky...are ya mad? Ya want some Kool-aid?"

9. The After-the-Rose part of the show is always the worst because:
- Best-case scenario? They're happy and it's 60 minutes of boring talk about how in love they are and how blessed they are for finding each other and soulmate-this and soulmate-that
- Worst-case scenario? They pretend to love each other, but behind the scenes SHIT IS GOING DOWN.
Well, last night's ATR was the second one. Brad loves Emily, but Emily DOES NOT like Brad. She won't move to Austin TX for him, she keeps putting off the wedding, she "is sure she loves him", she mentioned her high school sweetheart Ricky like, 12 times. So yeah...it was awful.

10. Speaking of which, Emily straight-up needs a therapist because homegirl is NOT over the death of Ricky Bobby. Fah Rull. Emily needs to go to some grieving gold-digging widow group and get her shit together.

11. Chantal will probably be the new Bachelorette. But you know who would be the BEST next Bachelorette? Michelle!
CRAZY CRAZY MICHELLE!!!! In case you weren't watching The Bachelor this season, here's what you need to know about Michelle:
- she's a crazy slut
- she's totally delusional
- she woke up one morning with a self-inflicted black eye and proceeded to spend the day eye-shanking the other girls in the house and being all "WAS IT YOU?!?!?!"
- she started referring to Brad as her "boyfriend" within the first episode
- she'd love to be a celebrity
- she was actually the funniest one in the house
- she had the best style (except that she LOVED those stupid maxi-dresses that have a giant stone-beaded-thing at the halter).
- she was definitely certifiable. I would not have been surprised to learn that she was a cokehead.
...But we probably won't see her anytime soon (unless Dr. Drew does another Celebrity Rehab after the current one. Wait...didn't he kick off that trick Michele Salahi? DR. DREW, GET MICHELLE!!!!)

12. How long do we give it before Brad and Emily "break up"? I'm going to say 1 month.

13. How long before Brad is on the Bachelor for the 3rd time? PLEASE SATAN, DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN!!!

3.02.2011

Riding Public Transportation: Know Your Crazy

Hey Kids! At some point in your lives you will need to get from A to B on public transit. If you're like me (and 1 million people in my city) you use public transit to get to work and back every day. It's fun! It's also cheap, fairly safe, and a great way to save the earth But honestly, you're only taking public transit because you're broke. Cut the bullshit. If you could afford a car, insurance, and parking, your ass wouldn't be in a bus seat to save your life. No judgment! I'm broke as hell and I love taking the bus. Hennyways. If you're ever in a big city, you'll notice that there are a lot of crazy kooks that you might get to share a seat with. The bad news is, there will always be a crazy person on your bus/subway/streetcar. Always. The good news is, they're usually harmless. That homeless schizophrenic that just shuffled up to you asking what colour today is? He's okay. It's the Wall Street bond trader who snapped and went nuts and is now brandishing a knife at the driver who you should worry about. But really, that happens like, once a year, so you have nothing to worry about. So let's take a look at the crazy weirdos who you might be sharing a seat with the next time you ride the streetcar. And remember - to quote How I Met Your Mother: "If you can't spot the crazy person on the bus, it's you".

Mr. Only Talks in Swears

First off, let's stop describing someone who talks in expletives as having Tourettes. Tourettes is a super-sad disorder where people (usually kids, sadly) have facial or body tics that they can't control. Screaming DICK SHIT FUCK isn't Tourettes, so stop making that joke. Mr. OTiS will get on and show his monthly transit pass. He will always have a pass; this is a good sign, because it means someone is taking care of him and buying him the gift of mobility every month. If you see a transit pass/card, that's the sign that this person probably isn't going to fuck your shit up; they just want to get home/to a mission for din-din, but they're going to swear a blue streak the whole way there. Typically they will mumble every 4 or 5 words under their breath and then shout the 6th. Despite their extremely foul language, they will usually apologize if they bump your arm when they sit down (then they will go back to hating on whomever is a shithead-sumbitch).
Level of insanity: 3 - You might learn some new words, but if you went to Public School, you've probably already heard them all.

Staring Contest

You know when you catch someone staring at you? And then when you look at them, they get awkward and look away? Staring Contest will keep staring at you. Don't worry though, they're not staring at you: they're staring through you. I have found that the best way to have people leave you the hell alone on public transit is to become Staring Contest. Even crazies don't want a piece of someone who stares blankly at no one in particular (don't stare right into someone's eyes though, because that can cause trouble).
Level of insanity: 1 - Everyone sleeps with their eyes open every once in a while.

The Intellectual
I like to describe this person as teaching a class in advanced physics to no one. Don't laugh at them, ever, because this could be you in 60 years. They are harming no one and it's like listening to Public Radio for 20 minutes. Plus, you might get lucky and learn something. Probably not, though.
Level of insanity: 5 - This guy is crazy, but the best kind of crazy to have on your ride home.

Looks Normal, Talks Crazy
This person is the worst, and it's usually a lady. They'll get on and be all "excuse me, excuse me" and then sit down beside you and say something arbitrary like "it's so crowded in here!" and you'll agree and make small talk, and then they'll just start rambling. Now, this person isn't technically "crazy" (in the mentally ill way); they're "crazy" in the way that Tea Partiers are crazy, or Moms who won't vaccinate their kids are crazy. So they'll sit there with you and spout stupid facts that they read from someone's blog and you'll have to sit there and just nod "uh-huh" because, really, do you want to debate this person? Plus, it's always something super stupid and "who gives a shit"-y like: "Did you know that the mayor took away funding from public transit and put it all into underground tunnels for the rich? Yep, that's your tax dollars at work!"
Level of insanity: 7 - Because for all the ignoring you will do, this person will keep trying to pull you back into their crazy.

The Secret Racist
This person usually deserves a punch in the face, until you realize "fuck, I think he's batshit insane". Although I shouldn't say "he" exclusively, because I have come across several Secret Racist ladies in my time. You'll be on the bus or streetcar or whatever and they'll get bumped or jostled by someone. If the person apologizes, then they will simply mutter under their breath about rudeness and/or assholes. BUT. If the person doesn't apologize (which is kind of a dick move, but whatever - nobody rides public transit for the sophistication and class) then they will grasp at any and all racial epithets and spit hot hatred. Everyone will realize this person is a fucking asshole and totally insane, and someone will tell them to shut the fuck up. Usually this will silence them, since apparently the muttering the words "shut the fuck up" is an insanely prejudiced asshole's kryptonite.
Level of insanity: 10 - It takes a complete sociopath to utter the words "This is CANADA. Go back to YOUR COUNTRY!" because - durr - Canada is made up of immigrants. This is everyone's country.

Hey Pretty Pretty
Oh man, Hey Pretty Pretty is the worst, and it's always a guy and he directs all his crazy at a woman. He will sit across from a girl (never beside, for whatever reason) and then act like fucking Don Juan of the Streetcar. Maybe he's not crazy...just a fucking creep.
Level of insanity: 1 - This guy is just gross. If he bothers you, move seats.

Uncle Sneaky-poopy

I have seen this a few times and I'm not sure how I feel. Someone will be on the streetcar (never the bus) and will poop or pee. Here's the thing; part of me feels a bit sad, but then I think "when I get to be so crazy that I poop my pants in public, and I just don't give a crap (plenty of pun intended) will I want people to feel sorry for me?" The answer is nope! Don't feel bad for me - just give me enough room to stand and wait for my stop. PS - Uncle Sneaky-poopy is never an old, feeble senior (because if you saw a 90-year-old have an accident, I think I can unanimously say that everyone would help them). It's always a 40-year-old crackhead, and chances are they totally snuck on without paying. PPS - story time! One time I kept barfing on the bus on the way home from work and it seriously took me 3 different busses to get home because I kept getting so nauseous, and the WORST was when someone would go "are you okaaaaaaaaaay?" Lady, unless you want me to barf on your purse/coat, get out of my way and stop with the questions. The best thing anyone did was offer me their shopping bag. THANK YOU.
Level of insanity: 6 - Pretty pretty crazy. All you can do is just make sure you don't sit in the seat with the poop/pee.

Don't Talk to My Baby!
This woman essentially has a child that is screaming and everyone can hear it except for her. Oh, I should mention the difference between actual baby crying and baby cry-whining. Actual baby crying is terrible and makes everyone feel really sorry for the mother and the mom is super embarrassed and she is trying to do EVERYTHING to shut the baby up, and all she can do is frown at everyone staring at her and mouth the words "I'm sorry". Baby cry-whining is very different. It usually comes from a spoiled baby that is pissed off that it can't have any more chips or coca-cola or it wants a different toy every 3 seconds (you get the picture). No tears ever come from this child's eyes; just crying noises and flailing arms. It's really just screaming and tossing shit. And the mom will be so oblivious to her kid, it's like she's watching Dancing with the Stars in her mind. Like, she will literally not take notice of anyone's stink faces or cut-eye. NO amount of cut-eye will penetrate this woman's psyche. But the minute you say something (ANYTHING) about her kid, even something as harmless as a sing-songy "Oooh, someone sounds a bit cranky!" with a smile on your face, she will snap out of her self-induced coma to yell at you for talking to her kid. And it's always very very ghetto and kind of like a Maury Povitch soundbite.
"Oh, you think you know how to raise a kid?!? You gonna talk to my kid like you know him? What, you're Dr. Phil or something? You know how to raise my kid? You think I'm a bad fucking Mom? I take care of my kid! He ain't doing nothing wrong, bitch! Say it to my face! SAY IT TO MY FACE!" and it's like "no one said anything about your parenting skills. Take. It. Easy." Once I was on a streetcar and this woman's baby was going crazy and this little old lady goes "Oh, it's okay. Would you like a candy?" and it was something soft and harmless (like, the kid wasn't going to choke on it) and the mom snaps out of her dazed and confused nap and goes "My baby don't want your dirty ass food! Get that shit away from her! Shit, I don't know where you been!"
Level of insanity: 8 - It takes a special soul to be so clueless.

Happy O'Laughy
This person is crazy-crazy-crazy and everything is funny to them. They could be laughing at a joke in their head or something they've seen or whatever, but they're super smiley (they might have no teeth. Whatever, deal with it). If they laugh at you, you need to remember that they're not laughing at you, but at something totally arbitrary and probably invisible. Don't get all tough and Joe Pesci/Goodfellas and be all "what are you laughing at?!? You laughing at me?!" because DOYE! They don't care that you exist.
Level of insanity: 9 - This person is straight-up crazy, but they are having the time of their life, so...are they really that crazy?

Beggy Hill
Crud, this one is bad because you should feel bad that someone needs money. We've all been there; $2 short for McDonalds and your ass is starving and payday happens in 10 days and you are broke as shit. However, what you need to remember is that this person is almost certainly going to spend any money you give them on drugs/booze/both. If you really want to help Beggy Hill, give them the name of an outreach or a shelter or a mission and then volunteer your time at it and serve dinner to people who need it. It's better than throwing $1 at someone. But for real, when they shuffle up to you mumbling about "helping me out to get a coffee" don't ignore them. Just say "I'm sorry, I can't" or if you want to get rid of some change, do it quietly. There is NOTHING worse than the asshole who whips out his wallet and gives Beggy Hill a $10 and then looks around to make sure everyone saw him do it, and then sits there with a smug, shit-eating grin as if to say "Oh Brad, you are SUCH a good person."
Level of insanity: 7 - Panhandling on public transportation is never a good idea, so if someone decides to go there, you might just want to sit back and watch how uncomfortable Fashiony McHairextensions gets when Beggy Hill asks them for money.

Angry Toothless Grandma
The best way to describe Angry Toothless Grandma is to imagine Santa Claus as an old woman, replace the sack full of toys with a sack full of dirty plastic bags, and now take away her teeth. Oh, and she will get pissed if you accidentally brush against her bag of bags. She's like a nomadic hoarder.
Level of insanity: 9 - This person is absolutely out of their mind, but if they paid the standard fare to ride, they have as much right to be there as you do, so you can't say shit. Deal with it.

Come On, Let Me In, Brother
This person is definitely the worst, maybe worse than Hey Pretty Pretty. He will stand near the driver with no money and no metrocard and will try to convince the driver to let him on for free. The driver will then not move the vehicle until he pays the fare. This is the worst kind of stand-still because NO ONE WINS. The driver will not let someone on without paying (duh) and the guy will not part with any money and thinks he deserves a free ride. Come On, Let Me In, Brother is usually a guy and is usually wearing sweatpants. One time I was on a streetcar that didn't move for 10 full minutes and held up traffic. I had never wanted a driver to grow a pair so badly and just tell him to fuck off. But you know, they can't lose their cool, so I guess this guy did his job pretty well.
Level of insanity: 10 - This guy cares about no one but himself and doesn't care that he's holding up traffic. He's also probably high out of his effing mind.

Tattoo-face
Simple as that, it's someone who has tattoos all over their face. They might seem like they're not crazy, but think for a second about the kind of person who tattoos ALL OVER THEIR FACE. Exactly.
Level of insanity: 1 - How much they affect you, 10 - For their life choices

Skid who is overtly nice and jovial until you piss him off (at which point he RAGES)

I hate hate hate this guy. He gets on the streetcar/bus and looks like your average crust-punk, so you're like "oh shit, here comes dirty trouble" and then he turns out to be really polite and nice, so then you're like "fudge, I'm a dick. He's not bad". Everything will be going alright until his dog (he usually has a dog with him) starts pissing on the floor or growling at someone and someone will go "ummm, guy...your dog is....uh..." and then he will RAGE like you've never seen someone rage before. He will fly off the fucking handle. Also he will spout some Adbusters shit (which is laughable - but whatever you do, don't laugh). Typically you'll hear stuff about "society's downfall", "opiate of the masses", and "sheeple". He will leave shortly after he starts raging because a little voice inside him says "Derek, your dog just took a dump on a single Mother's shoes. You should be ashamed of yourself".
Level of insanity: 10 - Be nice or don't: there is no try.

MC Bedbugs

Never sit near MC Bedbugs. You will get bedbugs.
Level of insanity: 2 - They're not crazy per se, just inconsiderate. If you're covered in lice and bedbugs, try not to do stuff where you're most likely to give everyone else to your scratchy pals.

And one final note. There are two types of Crazy: Mentally Ill and Asshole. If you think someone is mentally ill, don't start fights with them or debate them or stare at them or whatever. The worst is when I've seen some normie try to reason with Angry Toothless Grandma ("You know, ma'am, you really shouldn't bring so many bags on here? Because it leaves little room for the rest of us? And it's just common courtesy? So, you're really being inconsiderate? And those bags are really smelly?") because someone who is mentally ill doesn't need some stuck-up smug fool telling them that they're not fitting in. Let them be and they'll let you be (they're like spiders, really). And never yell at someone who is mentally ill; it makes you look like a prick. If some crazy guy calls you a shithead, let it slide. He doesn't know you. But if someone is capable and high-functioning, then they are an asshole and you have every right to stand up for yourself. Especially if said person is being sexist, racist, mean to an old person, or just a general thorn in everyone's side. Or, ride a bike and never have to deal with this shit. Whatever. Happy trails!