3.23.2011

I Have Questions

A lot of my friends enjoy having me around because I can answer almost any question they have. This is due to countless hours spent watching Jeopardy!, reading Wikipedia, and watching Dr.Oz. To me, there is a difference between those who are smart and those who are knowledgeable. I feel that I am knowledgeable; I have the ability to retain facts and stories that some might otherwise deem "un-useful". A smart person might know the year that Prussia stopped being a country, but a knowledgeable person will know just how many different types of squirrels were living there. And while I'm not a know-it-all in the Ken Jennings way (ie. Able to retain almost as much knowledge as a robot. Stress on the word almost. Oh, BURN!), I am a very specific type of knowledgeable person: Someone Who Likes to Know A Lot About Nothing. I like to know as much about nothing as possible. So when I hear a weird story or see a gross picture, I like to take it all in, memorize everything I've seen and read, and re-play it in my memory forever. I imagine that when I'm old and lying in my Retirement Home bed, I'll look at my grandchildren and shout "WHO DIS??" while pleasantly re-playing Season 2 of Mr. Show in my head. Naw, just kidding, my Grandchildren will be cats. Anyways, here is a new posting theme I'll be doing a lot from now on called: I Have Questions. And today's IHQ is in regards to this new story:

Meat Lover! The Scariest (True) NYC Sublet Story You've Ever Heard

Okay, so I read this article that my bff sent me (lies! I had a headache so she paraphrased it for me. This is why we're besties.) but all you need to know is the gist of it:
- A guy moved to New York and was looking for an apartment
- He found a guy through friends
- The rent was very very cheap for the location/size
- He asked the apartment owner why it was so cheap, so he decided to level with him and told him exactly why
- He had rented the room to a guy he met on Craigslist
- The guy kept to himself; he barely saw him (he was ok with that)
- The room started smelling weird, so when the guy went out he unlocked the door to snoop
- He found a pair of pants, a sweatshirt, shoes, gloves, etc. in the shape of a human body stuffed with Chinese food
- OLD ASS CHINESE FOOD
- There was a tear in the...uh...durnsturs...that was used for...uh...farking
- He kicked the guy out immediately and got it fumigated. The smell never left. So all he could do to rent out the room now was make the rent super cheap.

Okay, so here we go. I Have Questions:

1. Chinese Food isn't that cheap. I mean, you'd have to spend at least $100 on Chinese food in order to stuff a human-sized body with it. And, to the best of my knowledge, can you not buy a reasonably-priced low-end sex doll for about $100? Why wouldn't you just spend the money on the sex doll instead of stuffing old clothes with Chinese food?

2. Was he getting the Chinese food for free? From a dumpster? I live near a green grocer and I can get tons of semi-rotten broccoli and spinach out of the dumpster for free, but I would never bring it into my home (let alone stuff a sex doll with it).

3. What obscure series of events would have to happen in one's life in order for them to develop a fetish that involves both rotten Chinese food and hideously lumpy misshapen scarecrow bodies? Did this guy get his first boner during a viewing of The Wizard of Oz at a Chinese food restaurant?

4. I enjoy that the sex doll had no discernible gender. Win one for gender neutrality, amirite?! I like to imagine the guy picking the clothes from a donation bin or second hard store and asking the staff stuff like "Do you have any more unisex hoodies? How about unisex button-fly Levis? Come on people! It's 2011! I should be able to fuck a pile of noodle-stuffed clothing without having to adhere to out-of-date gender labels like he and she!"

5. Grandpaw Sez: "Back in my day, if you wanted to have sex with something that wasn't a lady, you used to have to go out to a barnyard or find a deflated inner-tube. And Chinese food was for eating! Our family was so poor we used to split an egg roll 6-ways, and I always got the crusty end part. We didn't have noodles, and we definitely wouldn't have wasted them on our weeners! And FDR was the greatest President this country ever did see!"

6. If we had to guess the race of the evil ex-fiancee who left him jilted at the altar 2 years earlier, do we wanna guess.....Asian?

7. So he goes to all the trouble of hoarding that much Chinese food, stuffing it all in the crevasses of a makeshift-body, and then having sex with it repeatedly. This must take weeks (or at least several long days). And then he has sex with it over and over again to the point that all the smells (food, meat, rotten sauce, rotten "sauce") are overpowering your roommate. Surely someone that dedicated to masturbation knows of the Fleshlight, right? I mean, cammon guy - there are other ways to get off that don't involve having sex with hazardous food waste.

8. Did he have a gf/bf? (Trick question: the Chinese food body was his gf/bf)

9. But really, don't you want to know his backstory? Maybe he was spurned by some girl he had a crush on, but instead of going all Taxi Driver, he used all the energy he would have put into a Mayoral assassination into building a Chinese food fuck doll. Or! Let's say it's like Black Swan and on the outside he seems totally normal, but in his mind he's not stuffing his penis into an old pair of Jordache jeans filled with Lo Mein noodles, but gently making love to his dying wife before the Titanic sinks.
But in all likelihood, he knows full-well that he's just fucking a pile of trash.

10. Why Chinese food? Think about it.

11. Why the whole body? He had stuffed boots with Chinese food too, but he wasn't putting his chopsticks in those (and yes, I know I shouldn't have pluralized chopstick. But it just seemed weird. NEWSFLASH - THIS WHOLE POST IS FULL OF WEIRD!!!) So he stuffs a whole body, but he really only needs an 8" deep sock stuffed with ramen noodles for this to work. Is he lazy? Does he need something to rest his weight on? Is he getting that tired? In other news, I think I just figured out why girls won't have sex with him anymore.

12. A lot of people in the comments section of the article are screaming FAKE! But for real, I can totally relate to this story. I had a roommate that I found on Craigslist. Let's call him Wally. So I interview Wally and he seems really normal: quiet, works from home, works a lot, very serious about saving some rent money so that one day he'll own a house. I let him move in and then I literally never saw him EVER. His room reeked. The only way I can describe it is the smell of damp hair, dirty underwear, balls, asses, old food, BO, mouth smell, stale air. He always had a lock on the door. So one time I peeped in his room to make sure there wasn't a hooker body propped up in the closet, and I found...nothing. Literally, nothing. He was just a dirty fucking pig who rarely showered, didn't use deodorant, masturbated all the time (probably, I'm just going to assume) and ate in his room. But he paid his rent on time and never bounced a cheque, so while I came close to kicking his dirty ass out, I never did, because in the grand scheme of things, he was just a loner/hermit. He also had a bunch of katanas in his room and that scared me a little, but in the words of one my friends: "If he was going to stab you to death, he'd have already done it". Truth! And I never got stabbed.

13. How much would I have to pay you to eat that Chinese food from the crotch area? EWWWWWWW! JK JK JK JK

14. Did the Chinese food sex doll have a name?

15. Did the Chinese food sex doll have a back-story? I like to imagine the guy coming back from the store, shaking off his coat when he enters his bedroom and speaking to it like it was his wife. "Sure is a hot one out there. Supposed to be breaking some records today - highest temps in April for New York. Last time they seen it this warm was 1923. Shoot, I forgot to get you those sewing needles at the craft store. Can I get them tomorrow? Aw, you always understand. C'mere you - gimme a kiss". BAAAAAARF.

16. Is there a Kinsey study or something that explains why boys like to put their weeners in food and shit? Like, girls don't do that crap; you'll never find us on the couch with two slices of bologna in between the couch cushions or a ziplock bag filled with lotion inside another ziplock bag filled with hot water (it sounds weird, but it's a prison thing. Look it up). I don't get it. It sounds like guys will have "sex" with just about anything. How desperate and weird are dudes?!?!?

17. Do you think the guy stuck to noodle-based dishes or rice-based dishes?

5 comments:

alex said...

umm do you not remember the girl who got off from looking at machines? then they took her to an amusement park and she went ape shit and started humping the ferris wheel and smearing oil all over her face???????

alex said...

ps
HILARIOUS post
<3

The Mayor said...

Huur Durr, of course I remember!!! It's called objectum sexuality and I'm pretty sure she got married to it (WHAAAAAA?)

Alice said...

Gross. I can't answer a lot of these questions but I'm going to guess noodles not rice.

Also, I remember Dr. Sue Johansen (the Canadian sex doctor lady - who was wayyyy dirtier than Dr. Ruth!) telling a guy on one episode to make love to a baggie of lotion between his mattress. I turned to my boyfriend (now husband) and asked "is that a thing? Do guys really do that?!" He answered me that yes, guys who can't get laid and won't pay for it will indeed screw anything.

The Mayor said...

I would love to do a post about all the weird ways guys will masturbate. Although, I'm certain it will end with us all vomiting :(