3.15.2011

Welcome to probably the only time I will ever talk about The Bachelor

Okay, I promise you a decent post this week sometime, but I have been lazy for the past 168 hours (yeah right, more like 27 years) and I'm sorry that I'm coming to you with this. I'm like a cat that normally brings you dead birds and mice, but this morning you get a used condom I dug up from a sandbox in a public playground. So...my apologies. Anyways, here's the thing about The Bachelor:
I do not give one single flying fudge about this show.
I don't. I just cannot care. I don't want any of them to find love. Hell, I don't want any of them to get laid. I just cannot be bothered with them. I hate that the final goal is a wedding ring. UGH. It's just gross. But. BUT. It doesn't mean I don't watch this shit every week. I know what you're thinking: "If you hate it so much, why do you waste your time? You need to get a life and stop being a hater". Well, to you I say:
1. I do need to get a life
2. See above
But really, you know I watch shit TV. It's my life. For all the Parks and Recreation and Breaking Bad I watch, there is an equal number of Dancing with the Stars and Toddlers and Tiaras. Deal with it. Sometimes watching stupid fake dating shows with sweeping helicopter shots of mountains and prom gowns on 30-year-old women is fun. Sometimes it's nice to just sit on your couch getting high as hell off cheap nail polish fumes and laughing for an hour at Brad Womack's stupid Hillbilly drawl. Okay, so moving on...

I don't normally watch The Bachelor. Only if it looks like it's going to be a truly tragic trainwreck will I invest interest in it. But my bff told me that we need to start watching it and making a weekly thing of it. Sure! Why not? But seriously, after 2 episodes, you get invested in that shit. Like, I would get excited for Monday nights at 8pm. So I watched nearly every episode. And - doye - of course I watched the finale last night. Even though I spoiled the ending for myself waaaay back in episode 1 by reading Reality Steve. Whatever, it was still fun to watch (even if I knew who was going to get the final rose/wedding ring/ride around mountains in a helicopter).

Or so I thought.

On Reality Steve I was told he was going to pick Chantal. Last night he didn't. I was actually shocked! So I guess what I'm getting at is...I have questions about last night's Bachelor finale.

1. Okay, he seriously picked Emily? Was it written in his contract that he HAD to pick someone this time around (in case you didn't know, Brad was the Bachelor once before and he didn't pick anyone. Good for you Brad! When life hands you two lemon-shaped turds, drop them!) Don't get me wrong, they both weren't heinous, but they both weren't that great. Plus, Emily comes with baggage (that baggage being a daughter named Ricky...after her NASCAR-driving redneck highschool boyfriend Ricky. RICKY BOBBY!!!)

2. What was up with those dresses last night? Why do they get all dressed up like they're going to the Oscars? This show is so cheesy.

3. Why did they decide to go on a glamorous trip to South Africa? Nothing about this show makes sense. If I was on a dating show trying to find a husband, I would want it to be as real as possible. Luxury vacations to Cape Town? I don't think so. It should be dates at Subway and seeing how long it takes him to fart in front of me.

4. Something about Chantal is off. She seems nice enough, but also could be a masterbitch if given the chance. I could also see her cheating on Brad. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?!?! I don't know these effing people. They're characters on a show.

5. So...Brad's twin brother is named Chad? Oh Southern America...you give and you give and you give. I owe you for all the easy jokes.

6. When we got to meet Brad's family, here was my first thought: "I think Brad's brother's wives are escorts". Shhhiiiiit, you know you need to change your style when...

7. Emily is SUCH a nag. For the past 4 episodes, all she says is this (say it in a hillbilly Southern accent): "Brayd, are yoo raddy to be ah daddy? Bein' a daddy ain't always fun. It ain't fun, ya know. Sometimes kids be all uncareful and gotta go to tha docter and stuff. Brayd? Brayd? Yoo listenin' to me? Brayd! Answur me, are yoo raddy to be a daddy??" It's like, we get it! You're auditioning new dads for Lil' Ricky Bobby. Jesus Emily, do you even know what Brad's favourite movie is? (Answer: Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector).

8. During the episode where they go back and meet the parents, how much cut-eye did Emily's daughter give to Brad? SO MUCH. She is going to straight up haaaaate him as a stepdad. MAKE A REALITY SHOW ABOUT THIS!!! I could totally see Lil' Ricky Bobby throwing shit at Brad and calling him a "dick hayud" and Emily being like "Hay thar, don't be sassin' yer Daddy...Ricky...didja hear me? Don't be sassin' please. Ricky...are ya mad? Ya want some Kool-aid?"

9. The After-the-Rose part of the show is always the worst because:
- Best-case scenario? They're happy and it's 60 minutes of boring talk about how in love they are and how blessed they are for finding each other and soulmate-this and soulmate-that
- Worst-case scenario? They pretend to love each other, but behind the scenes SHIT IS GOING DOWN.
Well, last night's ATR was the second one. Brad loves Emily, but Emily DOES NOT like Brad. She won't move to Austin TX for him, she keeps putting off the wedding, she "is sure she loves him", she mentioned her high school sweetheart Ricky like, 12 times. So yeah...it was awful.

10. Speaking of which, Emily straight-up needs a therapist because homegirl is NOT over the death of Ricky Bobby. Fah Rull. Emily needs to go to some grieving gold-digging widow group and get her shit together.

11. Chantal will probably be the new Bachelorette. But you know who would be the BEST next Bachelorette? Michelle!
CRAZY CRAZY MICHELLE!!!! In case you weren't watching The Bachelor this season, here's what you need to know about Michelle:
- she's a crazy slut
- she's totally delusional
- she woke up one morning with a self-inflicted black eye and proceeded to spend the day eye-shanking the other girls in the house and being all "WAS IT YOU?!?!?!"
- she started referring to Brad as her "boyfriend" within the first episode
- she'd love to be a celebrity
- she was actually the funniest one in the house
- she had the best style (except that she LOVED those stupid maxi-dresses that have a giant stone-beaded-thing at the halter).
- she was definitely certifiable. I would not have been surprised to learn that she was a cokehead.
...But we probably won't see her anytime soon (unless Dr. Drew does another Celebrity Rehab after the current one. Wait...didn't he kick off that trick Michele Salahi? DR. DREW, GET MICHELLE!!!!)

12. How long do we give it before Brad and Emily "break up"? I'm going to say 1 month.

13. How long before Brad is on the Bachelor for the 3rd time? PLEASE SATAN, DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN!!!

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