Can you text 911?

On Friday night, my friends and I decided to let the McDonalds in our stomachs settle while we watched Dateline NBC. I know, this is what the cool kids are doing on Friday nights now, McDonalds and television. Anyways, so this week's Dateline wasn't To Catch a Predator (rats) but instead we were treated to a really good 2-hours of true crime. A mother, father, and their adult son are shot inside their home (in Virginia or South Carolina or something). It's made to look like a burglary gone wrong, but one of the crime scene guys says it looks like an inside job (GASP!) No one knows who did it, but all signs point to the eldest son, even though there is no physical evidence at the crime scene. Okay, so the way they found the bodies is the mother, who was shot in the face (but really just the neck, mind you) wakes up on the floor after being shot with a shotgun and crawls into the living room, pulls out her cellphone, and dials 911. Okay, so with blood gushing from her damn neck, she manages to talk to the 911 operator and they save her life. Um, hello?!?! Imagine being shot in the neck and then trying to speak to a 911 operator? She was super brave, let me tell you. I know if I was shot in the face, I would be on the floor thinking "oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck" till I bled out (but mostly because I don't have much common sense, so I wouldn't think to move my ass to the closest phone). So during the 911 conversation, my friend and I remarked that she was lucky she had enough foresight to push a t-shirt against her neck so she could slow down the bleeding and speak a few words. I mean, that's pretty crazy. Shot through the throat and she's coughing out words like it ain't no thing. Southern people are pretty tough. But then I was like "What would she have done if she wasn't able to talk? Do you think you could text 911?" At which point, I realized how dumb that would be. Well, we all did, because we started laughing and joking about texting 911. And, for your enjoyment, here is how we imagined texting 911 would look like. Please note: it very quickly turns into sounding like internet commenting and/or high school sexting. I apologise. Also, as any of you who have had to call 911 know, it can be really scary; you honestly feel like the only person who's ever had to call 911 before and every minute feels like 10. So, with that being said, I have no idea why I find the idea of texting 911 so goddamned funny.

Caller: need help
911 Emergency: a/s/l?
Caller: 21/m/on kitchen floor in pool of blood :(

Caller: right now i'm like this O_o but soon i'll be this X_X

Caller: ROTFD
911 Emergency: oh shit!

Caller: shit still dying. where is you?
Caller: you better leave soon, house is far away
911 Emergency: okay, ttyl

Caller: hurry up, I'm bleeding out!
911 Emergency: rip

911 Emergency: yo, whatup?
911 Emergency: u there?
911 Emergency:
srsl, quit playin

Caller: I just shot an intruder in my house!
911 Emergency: u go girl!

Caller: hurry!
911 Emergency: starbucks line is sooooo long. u want?
Caller: yeh, latte
Caller: wait, make it soy latte
911 Emergency: too late, is regular

Caller: I just fell down the stairs!
911 Emergency: pics or it didn't happen

911 Emergency:

Caller: I think I might have been stabbed
911 Emergency: ZOMG

need getta help here soon
911 Emergency: u drunk?

Caller: on fire
911 Emergency: hawt. send pics?
Caller: no, really on fire
911 Emergency: shawty fire burnin on the dance floor lol

911 Emergency: where u at?
Caller: wrong address :(
911 Emergency: facepalm

911 Emergency: can u describe the intruders?
Caller: 2 girls...
911 Emergency: 1 cup. lulz

Caller: I startled an intruder and accidently shot myself
911 Emergency: hahahaha FAIL

Caller: shooting at a house party!!
911 Emergency: n e hottiez?

911 Emergency: where u at?
Caller: the west side
911 Emergency: ain't no party like it, amirite?

I need you here asap
911 Emergency: booty call?

Caller: I just sent you a pic of the accident
911 Emergency: whatever bro, thats shopped

Caller: some guys broke in 2 my house and left their guns and a bunch of drugs and stole my car :(
911 Emergency: gtfo! u got free weed?!?

Caller: I just got shot!
911 Emergency: brb - on phone

Caller: where u at? I texted u like 20 mins ago
911 Emergency: playing Killzone 2
Caller: wow...just wow
911 Emergency: stfu dude
Caller: I'm pretty sure I'm dying right now
911 Emergency: fiiine. am leaving. but u owe me so bad

Caller: my sister's going n 2 labor!
911 Emergency: gross

Caller: I think my girlfriend just killed herself!
911 Emergency: (sending picture)

Caller: help! need cops! robbers in my house!
911 Emergency: sorry, wrong number bro
Caller: Really?
911 Emergency: lollllll jk, will send someone asap

Caller: I think I'm having a heart attack
911 Emergency: come on, its like 3am. be cool
Caller: I need someone here soon. I don't know how long I can make it
911 Emergency: u got a hot wife?
Caller: no
911 Emergency: sorry, don't speak english
Caller: WHAT?!?!
911 Emergency: si senor
911 Emergency: for real tho, call back at 7am


beyondtheautumns said...

That was the funniest shit I've read in a long time! I'm still laughing while typing this shit just thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahaha. I literally just laughed out loud. This was the funniest shit I've ever read. I woke my husband up because I was laughing so hard. Hahahahahaha.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

ROTFLMFAO dude I read this thing like 76 bagillion times and it's still funny

Anonymous said...

OMG that was effin awsome!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Bahahahahaha! Funniest thing ever!

LAUREN H said...

im crackin mii shyt up! its lyke 3 in te morning that jus made mii day lhfh

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Couldn't stop laughing!

Anonymous said...

LOLZ!!!!! Wow tis iz du funniest thing Eva stilll laughing

Anonymous said...

That was tha funniest shit I've ever read in my life! Make dis shit a comedy or some shit lmao still laughin hard as a bitch!!!

Ihavetimetomakeaname said...

Very funny... but a 911 call center in Waterloo, Iowa accepts 911 txts as of Aug 8th and the LAPD has been seriously considering it for a few years. Google it.

Kristen said...

I was home alone when I read this, and I think my dogs officially think i'm crazy because I was laughing out loud so hard!! Hahahahaha!

Anonymous said...

I dont think that as funny and i do think that theere should be texting because what if a child gets kidnapped and is in the truck of a car still alive but needs 911? well if u call u cnt talk loud bcus the person driving would here and they cant here you if u cant talk loud....so i think u shld be able to txt

Anonymous said...

Lmfao!!! I was laughing so hard..my hubby thinks im crazy