Easter's over, but the Peeps keep coming

Well, my Peep grab has finally come to a close. Easter has come and gone, and with it goes the promise of marshmallow Peeps. Just like the Cadbury Creme Egg before it, they have disappeared back into obscurity until Easter 2012. But not at my house! My apartment is still flooded with Peep merchandise, Peep wrappers and boxes, and kind notes that say "Here's your candy, you fat ass." No one wrote that to me, but imagine? I'm sure that's what the Postman thought when he kept delivering boxes that had the word CANDY written in the customs form. Anyways, let's get to talking about Peep presents, shall we?

Erin from Virginia sent me a great box of Peep snacks, including these chocolate-covered marshmallow chicks. And can I just say? These were HANDS DOWN my favourite Peep confection. I ate one every morning at breakfast (someone call my Doctor and tell her that she's just been put on my speed dial).

I regret not taking a picture of the inside, but the marshmallow was bright yellow. I love that the good people at Peeps don't leave any stone unturned - everything needs to be out of control bright. Regardless of colour, they tasted amazing. The chocolate was super-thick and the marshmallow was really creamy and tasted like real home-made marshmallows (not easy when you're making them in a massive factory with, what I'm assuming, enslaved non-English-speaking orange dwarfs). I also received this wonderful monstrosity on a stick:

At first I was like "That's cute. Rainbow Pop...it's a Peep-kebab. What won't they put on sticks in 'Merica?" but then I unwrapped it and my face was like O_o

IT'S HUMAN CENTIPEEP!!!! 4 Peeps sewn mouth-to-ass in an disgusting, horrific science experiment gone wrong! I will never, ever eat this. It's going to be sprayed with sealing varnish and put on my shelf. Did I just make myself the Rob Zombie of Candy? What does that even mean? I need a nap.

Another box came from the wonderful Rose from Hawaii. Rose emailed me saying:
If you'd like a peep anecdote, I will always and forever refer to a mint flavored peep as my marriages "alamo." I'll NEVER forget what my husband did (its actually really dumb).
Adorable! Everyone loves domestic disputes regarding marshmallows. But Rose told me she didn't want to send me too many Peep things, because she knew I'd be getting a lot, so she sent me a couple of chocolate-covered marshmallow Peeps, some Swedish Fish (that came with little candy balls called Candiar...get it? Caviar? Candiar?) and this soda from the good old U-S-of-A, Sun Drop:

This was a big deal for me because she sent not one, but 3 cans of Sun Drop. And let me take a minute to talk about Sun Drop. I described it to a friend as "Satans Piss, or a white-trashier Mountain Dew". I seriously love it so much. It's so goddamnned sweet. Here's something about Canada: our beer is much much stronger than yours, but our soda is weaker. For instance - people in Canada LOVE Canada Dry gingerale...and not as a mixer. We like how un-soda it is. Both Mountain Dew and Mello Yello failed to sell in Canada. I can only imagine that Sun Drop would suffer the same fate; Canadians would be like "whaaaaaaat isthis? Can I please have a chaser of water?" Anyways, when on Wikipedia, I found out this little fact about Sun Drop:

Sun Drop is sometimes used as a mixer for drinks with hard liquor.

Um, yes please. Will do. I love gin, so I'll be making a drink I like to call Grandma Ginny Sundrop. I can only imagine it will get me super drunk and barfy (so...party in a can, then?)

But the nail in the Peep coffin was the SECOND Peep package from Erin in Virgina. I almost died when I opened this. Actually, I did die, came back to life, resurrected on the third day and ascended to the Heavens. Now I sit at the right hand of Peep and watch the good people on earth devour marshmallow and chocolate.

Oh, hello, are you a package from the Peep Store in 'Merica?!?!
*Note: I will be doping a separate post on the Peep Store, because Erin sent me a buttload of pictures and all of them are fucking amazing. It blew my mind.
So yeah - I opened this and was like "A grown-ass woman should NOT be as excited for this, but I am so deal with it".

This was the cutest thing I have ever seen. It's a Peep bunny poking through a hole in the White House Lawn. Are you hearing me?!?! Did I stutter?!?!? It's a bunny...living under the White House...with his friends. Fuck. America, you rule.

The bunny is filled like a beanbag and he's sitting on my headboard beside a ceramic bust of the Virgin Mary. I might need to find another home for him.

She also bought me a Peeps cookbook. I know, right?!?! I'm seriously over my head here. Before I opened it I was like "OMG I bet they have the laziest recipes. This is going to be great" and then I was pleasantly surprised at how cute and charming the whole thing was. I mean, S'mores with Peeps? That's really cute. And look at this picture in the "Decorating with Peeps" section:

That's not awful, amirite? It's actually really cute. Oh, Peep Cookbook, I unfairly judged you. And in case you were wondering, that pastel-coloured bag in the box contained Peepsters - the chocolates with marshmallow creme inside. I took a few photographs of them, but my nails were so dirty and yellow from polish staining, and dry and cracked, and had primer splattered all over them, my friend told me that people would be too grossed out to ever come back if they saw them, so I decided not to post. But, if you wanna see a picture of a gross-ass hand holding a half-eaten Peepster, email me and I'll send you the jpg. It's good if you accidentally swallowed some poison and need to barf it up.

All in all, this Peep-speriment (or, you know...experiment) was so amazing. I loved getting these great packages from all across Canada's pants, America. I know I joke about America being this vast wasteland of fat asses and pregnant teens, but it really truly holds a place in my heart. I love you guys. Thank you so so much for the amazing American presents. To the 5 people who sent me Peep packages - I am putting together a Canadian box for each of you. It's so good, you might want to go to the bathroom before you collect your mail, because you are going to shit a brick. Wow, that was tasteless at best - I'm sorry.


Abby said...

Holy crap, there's really a Peep store??!ONE!!1??

Can someone explain to me how our nation's capital can't get this crap but places no one's ever heard of get the best of the best Peeps stuff?

Jess said...

Oh Erin, you're brilliant.