5.02.2011

Yeah, well...Canada has big news too, you guys...

So this week has been kind of a big deal in the world of news (or n00z, as its known in my house). In England, two adorable rich people got married in a very fancy Fairy Tale way. In 'Merica, they caught the Arabic Carmen Sandiago and everyone blew out their voice boxes from screaming USA! USA! And in Canada, we have...an election today. Which is weird, because I feel like we have an election every two damn years, amirite? Did I just not go and vote for something? Oh yeah, city election :(

Anyways, Canadian elections aren't as exciting as American elections. In America, you have two people and it's like "Do you like guns and beers and trucks and the Founding Fathers? Vote for this guy. Do you like fancy coffees and reading glasses and iPods and the Founding Fathers? Vote for this guy" and whoever gets the most votes becomes the President of the World. In Canada, it's a little different. You get 5 choices of people to vote for and they're all different. Here is the breakdown of who might be Canada's President come tomorrow:

Stephen Harper
This is Canada's President. He has been the Prime Minister for a couple of years now, and he's...I dunno. He's got a pretty bad case of pedo-eyes. Lots of people don't like him, but it's not cause he's a jackass like George Bush Jr. was. He's just...creepy. There's something deeply unsettling about him. I would not be surprised to find out that he's a replicant and runs on batteries. He does, however, like cats; but I suspect that's just a result of programming. He's a member of the Conservative Party, which is kind of like Canada's Republicans, except that our Republicans don't demand to see proof that the President was born in America.
Who will vote for this guy? Two words: OLD PEOPLE. Oh, and rich people...and hardcore Christians. But mostly old people.
Prime Minister or Take a Lap: Much to everyone's chagrin, he's probably still going to be the Prime Minister tomorrow because seniors vote in record numbers (thanks, The Simpsons!)

Michael Ignatieff
This guy is a dick. He's leading the second most popular party in Canada (Liberals, which is like Canada's Democrats), and no one wants to vote for him (which means that a new Sheriff of Second Place has come to town, but more on that later). Regardless, he's super smug and totally seems like the kind of guy who would send back food at a restaurant over and over again until he throws up his hands and, with his eyes closed, goes "You know what? Just...bring the bill." Dickmove!
Who will vote for this guy? New Canadians and people who can't speak English very well. Why? All the TV commercials are like "Stephen Harper doesn't like Immigrants. Stephen Harper wants to enlist your kids in the Military. Vote for us, or SHITS GONNA GET REAL". Also, broke people will vote for him because the only TV channel that comes in super-clear when you don't have cable (CBC) is super biased for this guy and they never report anything negative about him. So, if you're dirt poor and can't afford $40 a month for cable (aka Me) then TV is like The Ignatieff Smile Time Variety Hour.
Prime Minister or Take a Lap: Put down the Gatorade buddy - take a lap.

Jack Layton
Grandpa Jack! Everyone's favourite old man who beat cancer and is fluent in Chinese. Jack Layton represents the NDP which is short-hand for the New Democratic Party aka Socialism Sort-of. It sounds very Lenin/Must.Crush.Capitalism, but it's not. Also, Jack Layton is like the nicest guy. If Michael Ignatieff is the uncle who gives you encyclopedias for your birthday, Jack Layton is the uncle who gives you a fuckload of Legos.
Who will vote for this guy? Doye, me. And pretty much everyone else under 30.
Prime Minister or Take a Lap: There are too many Dads who won't vote NDP (mine included) and sadly, the people who will vote for him (people my age) will either be too stoned or too napping to forget to vote today, so...Grampy better hop on his Jazzy and take a lap.

Gilles Duceppe
Here's what you need to know: French French French French French.
Who will vote for this guy? See above.
Prime Minister or Take a Lap: I think this guy gets about as many votes as the Marijuana Party (which...exists. Headdesk) but they invite him to the debates and stuff because...I guess...he brings poutine? Excuses Gilles, prenez un recouvrement.

Elizabeth May
Elizabeth May is a really nice lady who runs the Green Party. I know, some of you snickered just now. But to Americans, here's something crazy: when the Green Party first started, oh, 10-15 years ago? People thought it was the crackpot homeless dude on the subway. But now it's an actual party with tons of candidates and commands about 10% of the votes. Crazy, right? This was all before 'green' was a good thing (remember when it just shorthand for I Use Toms of Maine Deodorant and I Smell Like a Hamster Cage?). But here's a fun thought: Elizabeth May wasn't allowed to participate in the TV debates because her Party is too small, and yet the French guy was (even though he doesn't get votes anywhere but Quebec). Um, total dickmove?
Who will vote for this guy/gal? Old hippies, people who actually care about emissions/oil spills/carbon footprints, people wanting to throw their vote, young people.
Prime Minister or Take a Lap: Oh dear. Sadly, Elizabeth May has a snowball's chance in Hell. Which is too bad, because she's not a crackpot and actually really well-spoken. So, hop on your bike and ride a lap.

There are also a bunch of Maxist-Leninist candidates, Marijuana Party candidates, and Christian Fundamentalist candidates, but no one really votes for them, so the election never gets crazy-exciting. The most that will happen is Harper will get re-elected, people will be bummed out, Jack Layton will become the official opposition, Gilles Duceppe will say some stuff in French, Michael Ignatieff will pull some Alpha Beta House bullshit, and everyone will just sort of sigh and go "Oh well, see you all in 2 years".

But I think the best thing about Canadian Elections is explained in the video below. In my friend's neighborhood, someone made this art installation about voting. It's like a perpetual motion machine made to represent wastes of time/money/energy/etc. Like, the guy who made it is probably sitting in his house with a shit-eating grin on his face like "Yeah, Steve, you are so fucking clever. Dude, you totally just stuck it to the man. I mean, it's like, why vote?!? Nobody speaks for the average man! This is art with a message, guys! I'd like to see the look on Harper's face if he saw this, man." I'd like to see someone remove Elliot's head in the middle of the night and replace it with a basketball, personally, but then I'd also need to coordinate a time to watch the guy come out of his house and lose his shit, and I am far too busy this week.

...but seriously, someone actually made this. Bummer :(

4 comments:

Da's wife said...

Da is still chuckling.....

I've always said that the late Roger Abbott's robotic impersonation of Stephen Harper is still more human that the man himself!

There's a really great joke about Grampy Jack's visit to his "massage therapist" but I'll save it for later :)

Poor Iggy...Libs picked the wrong guy...again :(

Jess said...

Stephen Harper = Alec Baldwin???

Monkman said...

Uhm, Canada does not have Presidents. Canada has Prime Ministers. Leads me to wonder just how much research you put into this blog, and thus just how accurate it really is.

The Mayor said...

^ Monkman
That comment made me lol so hard for a couple of reasons:
1. I was born in Canada and have always lived here
2. I'm not retarded, I know that Canada doesn't have Presidents
3. THIS IS A HUMOUR BLOG
4. The election was fucking months ago
5. Your mom is accurate (BURN)