6.27.2011

The fat squirrel from The Sword in the Stone

When I was a kid, my sister and I loved The Sword in the Stone for one reason only: the fat squirrel that tries to have sex with Merlin. In the event you have no idea what I'm talking about, Merlin turns Wort into a squirrel and, seeing that Wort is having difficulty with a little girl squirrel, he turns himself into a squirrel. Then, out of nowhere, a fat-ass squirrel shows up and tries to get her mack on with Merlin. It's really an amazing scene. You're probably asking yourself how this post came to be, and the short-answer is simple: Facebook

In case you couldn't guess, green is me. So of course I clicked on that link and it led me to this. This is seriously, without a doubt, one of the best videos ever uploaded to YouTube.



I love it. I love that the title of this clip is simply The Fat Squirrel from The Sword in the Stone. Never has a title said so much and yet so little since Man Getting Hit with Football in the Groin. I watched it a few times and laughed out loud. I don't know what it is about this fat, horny squirrel hitting on an emaciated, grey Merlin squirrel that is so perfect. I didn't think it could get any better...then I got to the comments. Holy shit, the comments on this video, let me tell you. I realize that there are about 40+ pages of comments to read through, so I thought I'd go through them and find the best. Enjoy!

Lots of comments about how that squirrel isn't so innocent; she's clearly a sex-hungry predator hell-bent on gritty, unsettling squirrel-assault:















On the flipside, lots of people think that Merlin shouldn't be such a stuck-up prude and just do it:














Then there's this. This is...well, I'm not sure how to describe the following comments. They all come from the same sad, lonely commenter: Animeforever61:




















I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume he's a virgin. I'm going to also assume that his mother never leaves him alone in the same room as the family house cat. In other news, I'm very surprised he didn't describe breasts as "bags of sand". Anyways, here are some good metaphors regarding the fat squirrel (and one about Merlin-squirrel, actually):















Surprisingly, only one good comment that references "nuts":





I can relate to this comment more than I care to admit:




And finally this comment:




OMG!!! So I searched for it, and yes - the fat squirrel from The Sword in the Stone has a Facebook fan page.

...and hells yes I joined it! We're almost 400 members strong. I don't know what kind of benefit comes from meeting like-minded fat squirrel fans, but I'm sure it's something totally fulfilling and wonderful.

6.21.2011

A Note About Canada Post

This is an open post directed to all persons who should be receiving a Canadian Thank-You package from myself in the mail (you know who you are. And if you don't, then you should have sent me more Peeps, ya doink). Anyways, in Canada we have a postal system very similar to the US (Except where your logo is a tough-ass Eagle, ours is a quickly moving letter. Not as cool). Last week (or the week before, I've lost count) Canada Post went on strike. The US Postal Service has "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds" and we have "We're thinking about delivering your mail. We're going to try for tomorrow, is that cool with you guys?"
Look, I don't pretend to know anything about unions or labour laws or anything, but I would really like the post office to deliver my magazines again. Also I think I may have a GST cheque coming soon and that would be nice to have as well. So what I'm getting at is that if you are expecting a package from me, you will be receiving it soon..ish. I mean, they're all in my house right now with mailing labels on them and they're awesome and everything, but you may not get them for a while. I know, I know, you've waited since Easter. I hear you. But trust me - waiting will be worth it!

Sincerely,
The Mayor

6.15.2011

What ever happened to?...Mighty Morphin Power Rangers edition!

My sister and I grew up the Ontario suburbs with pretty strict parents: no sleepovers on a school night, church every single Sunday, no dating till we were 16 (but for someone who's first kiss was in a school play at age 17, this seemed less like a rule and more like a dare. "I DARE you to find a guy who will willingly date you before you turn 16. No seriously, get off the couch and turn off Making the Band and get out there and try to break the rules. It's a Friday night and you're 15 and it's 9:00pm and you're doing a book report. Please? You're worrying us.") But despite our parents trying super hard to keep us off the pole/out of the gangs, there was one thing our parents were super cool about: we were allowed to watch whatever we wanted on television. And when I say anything, I mean anything. I remember staying up to watch SNL and In Living Color with my mom when I was 7. We used to watch Roseanne as a family (remember when people were so uptight about Roseanne? Santo Dios, it's so tame). Hell, all my mother said when we'd watch Married with Children was "oh, can't you find anything better to watch than Al Bundy?"

However. There was one television show in my house than we were totally, strictly forbidden to watch. Under no circumstances would this show ever be on our TV. I used to plan out elaborate schemes in order to watch it; conning my way into Friday night sleepovers and waking up in time to watch a full half-hour of gloriously shitty action sequences and even worse acting. The jealousy and white hot rage I felt when my cousin brought over the 10" tall action figures Christmas Day still nearly brings me to tears. The show I'm of course referring to is:

Mighty Morphing Power Rangers

For some ungodly reason, my parents banned MMPR in our house. I think it was because they didn't like the idea of us being so enthralled by non-stop fighting. Also, I believe my mother's reason was that it was "stupid" (TRUTH!) It was a pretty stupid show. I mean, it was the SAME GODDAMNED STORYLINE EVERY WEEK!!! A solid 13 minutes of the show was stock footage that they aired in the preceding episodes. Every week they showed you how all the Zords came together to make Megazord - what kid was actually like "Thank god they showed the Zord-to-Megazord sequence again. I kept thinking Megazord appears out of nowhere. It turns out it's just the Zords!" So yeah, it was stupid and mindless. But you know what? All my friends were allowed to watch it, and therefore I wanted to too. You wanna know what they're up to now? I thought it would be fun to not only poke and prod into the private lives of the actors from the cast, but also to imagine what happened to each character after they hung up their monochromatic spandex bodysuits and helmets and stopped being a "teenager with attitude" and became an adult. Here we go!

Red Ranger / Jason (Austin St. John)
Zord: Tyrannosaurus (that he would pronounce: "Tah-ranna-cyrus!")
Jason was the badass leader who didn't take shit from anyone. He was always moody and brooding and practicing tae kwon do and shit. He was insanely dedicated to always wearing red and black, even though he looked like Rufio's older unemployed dirt-bag brother who sells weed in the 7-11 parking lot. He also had a massive hard-on for Zubas, but come on - who didn't in 1993?
What are they doing now?
Jason got really into the MMA scene, first as a fighter, then after several debilitating concussions, as a promoter. He used to manage the GNC in the Angel Grove Mall, but was fired for stealing containers of WheyMaxxx and selling them from the trunk of his car. He has one son, Justyss, that he believes to be "about 6 or 7 now, I guess".
But for real, what is Austin St. John doing now?

See, Wikipedia lists Austin St. John as an actor, but I don't see much acting work from this guy. I see 4 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers TV series/specials and one movie and...1 acting credit as "Police Investigator" in a show called Footsteps. Also this guy is effing difficult to track down. I'm having a hard time finding anything about him: he may or may not have been arrested for drunk driving, he may or may not have dabbled in gay porn, he may or may not be a paramedic/EMT. But one thing I do know for sure...Austin St. John needs to lay off both the McDonalds and Bluetooth (seriously, Google image him - he's wearing a bluetooth headset in every single recent picture).

Pink Ranger / Kimberly (Amy Jo Johnson)
Zord: Pterodactyl
Kimberly was good at gymnastics and was "the pretty one". She also was one of the worst actors on the show, relying heavily on expressions of worry, upset worry, and fearful worry. Despite there being two girl rangers, Kimberly was the only one who's Power Ranger costume paired the massive helmet with a skirt and girlie white boots, therefore making her look like a stripper who got a ride to work from their motorcycle-riding boyfriend.
What are they doing now?
Kimberly made the natural transition from gymnastics in high school to cheerleading in college. She developed a pretty intense eating disorder after her break-up with Jason, who - surprise surprise - turned out to be a controlling asshole with rage issues. After college, Kimberly got her Real Estate license and married Lenny Grabowski, the plumber who put in her new dishwasher. Currently she's put aside her real estate career in order to focus on her 5-year-old daughter's as an aspiring child actress/model. Kimberly hopes that one day she'll be "the next Dina Lohan!"
But for real, what is Amy Jo Johnson doing now?

We all know that Amy Jo has had a decent career: she was in the WB show Felicity, had a ton of TV bit-parts and guest spots, and is currently on the show that plays ALL THE TIME on Canadian TV, Flashpoint. Wanna feel old? Amy Jo Johnson is 40 years old.

Black Ranger / Zack (Walter Jones)
Zord: Mastodon
Making Zack the 'black' ranger always seemed fucked up to me, even as a 10-year-old with little-to-no knowledge of mid-90s race relations in California. Zack was cool and good at dancing (Jesus Christ, really?). He always wore black, but to prevent it looking too Goth, would punch it up with yellow and green (oh for fucks sake) and wore a lot of Cross Colors clothing (god damnit, seriously??) He made up his own form of martial arts called Hip Hop kido (no no no stop)
What are they doing now?
Zack finally realizes that Hip Hop kido will never be as big as Crumping, so he gives up on it. Due to a filing error that deletes his college scholarship application, he is forced to work full-time while going to school, having a myriad of jobs (birthday party Spideman, LeVar Burton impersonator). Currently he is employed at Angel Grove Elementary as a street-wise English teacher who cultivates the desire to learn in his students by rapping in class and comparing Shakespeare to Jay-Z. In his spare time he is writing a sitcom pilot based on his totally unique teacher-student relationship that he hopes will be picked up by CBS.
But for real, what is Walter Jones doing now?

Well, okay. What can I say that doesn't make me sound like an asshole. Walter Jones seems to be getting work. Sure, it's all just terrible crap, but I mean - everyone needs to pay their bills, amirite? His IMDB states that he does a lot of voice work for video games which is, I mean, decent, right? Ugh, I feel so bummed out typing all this. Also I heard a rumor that Walter Jones was charged with DUI back in 2009, but after a bit of research, it turns out he was pulled over for "failure to dim headlights" and then was told to do the backwards-alphabet-touch-your-nose dance, even though he wasn't drunk, but got arrested anyways. He made bail, but then called his lawyer, because we all know something in the milk ain't clean. Hoo boy, that's...depressing as well. Then I found this:

I think the saddest thing about Walter Jones is that Walter Jones is still using MySpace :(

Blue Ranger / Billy (David Yost)
Zord: Triceratops
Billy was too goddamned old to be wearing overalls. He also looked like he was fucking 40 years old. I'm almost sure he was an undercover FBI agent.
What are they doing now?
Despite extensive prep courses offered by Angel Grove High, and an extremely high GPA, Billy freaks out the night before the SATs after imagining leaving his mother for college. Instead of taking the test, he decides to sleep in and ask his mother to make him waffles. At his mother's insistence, he re-applies for college, but purposely writes the wrong address on the envelope. This continues for several years until his mother suffers a painful fall on a slippery patch of ice at the Angel Grove Mall, at which time Billy pledges to remain at home and take care of his mother for as long as she needs him. At present time, Billy is still a resident at his mother's house, where he collects Social Assistance and moderates an online forum for McDonaldland fanfiction. He hopes one day to French kiss a girl, but anticipates it being "Probably really gross".
But for real, what is David Yost doing now?

Okay, this is pretty crazy. So after David Yost leaves MMPR, he feels like he might be gay, so he does what any normal gay guy who's made a career out of fighting dudes in a skintight blue spandex suit in the Hollywood entertainment/showbusiness community does: he "prays the gay away"! Obviously, right? I mean, when you're living an empty popper bottle's throw away from gay mecca San Francisco, that's the natural thing to do - Conversation Therapy to make you straight. Anyways, after two years - SPOILER ALERT - it doesn't work, so he has a mental breakdown and is hospitalized for 5 weeks. Holy shit, dude, where the hell did you grow up, Qatar? Finally he accepts that he is a dude who wants to get down with other dudes and is now a Producer on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Good for you, Billy! You've given the world Camille Grammer; your life has meaning.

Yellow Ranger / Trini (Thuy Trang)
Zord: Saber-toothed Tiger
Was there ever a more lazily thrown-together character than Trini? She's a girl, but not the "pretty one". Like Zack, her colour of choice (yellow) has terrible, racist overtones (could they have made her any colour but yellow? Really?) She's Asian and good at Kung Fu, but not good-good - just okay, really. Her Zord isn't even a dinosaur. Crap, she really did get the shit end of the stick on that show. Lastly, riddle me this: Trini was born in Texas but had a Chinese accent. Can someone explain that one to me?
What are they doing now?
Trini was the only member of the gang who wasn't at Graduation; in her Senior year, she fell in with a rougher crowd and became pregnant when she lost her virginity to Skull. Trini's parents demanded she give the baby up for adoption and try to finish the remainder of her year at home. She struggled to get her GED by online correspondence, because back then the internet wasn't nearly as sophisticated as it is now, but also because Trini spent a good portion of her day doing bong hits and listening to talk radio. Sadly, Trini was busted by an undercover police officer for selling drugs in a daycare playground (and subsequently assaulting said officer). She's serving out a sentence of 11 years at Angel Grove Women's Correctional Institute. The upside? Trini was mistaken for a Latino inmate and is currently the set leader of Los Cholos Violentes.
But for real, what is Thuy Trang doing now?

No jokes on this one. In 2001 she was killed in a car crash in California. Okay fine, one mildly tasteless-but-still sort of cute joke: In 2001 she morphed into an Angel and now she's kicking asses in heaven.

Green Ranger, White Ranger / Tommy (Jason David Frank)
Zord: Dragonzord (wait, what?)
Tommy was hot, even with that jank-ass ponytail. He was evil, but then turned good. He kicked Jason's ass at martial arts, which was awesome, cause Jason really needed to be brought down a peg. Question for you - Tommy played the flute: cute or GTFO?
What are they doing now?
Tommy reforms his bad boy ways by excelling as a junior martial arts instructor at the Angel Grove Community Centre. Helping children gives his life a purpose he never had before and he goes on to be his graduating class's Valedictorian. With a full scholarship to UCLA and a lucrative endorsement deal from Adidas, Tommy finds the strength to reconnect with the crack-addicted father who abandoned him so many years earlier. Tommy publishes his memoirs and they spend 16 weeks on the New York Times best-sellers list. After permanently re-locating to Los Angeles, he signed with the William Morris agency and is a stand in for Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and butt-double for Vin Diesel.
But for real, what is Jason David Frank doing now?

Jason David Frank may have the most boring update. He appeared in as many MMPR episodes as the directors would allow and once the show ended, he used the money he made and opened a karate school (Rising Sun Karate) and in his spare time fights in MMA events.

Rita Repulsa (Machiko Soga)
I always felt bad for Rita Repulsa. The woman spends thousands of years locked in a dumpster. Her employees display extreme incompetence. She's forced to live on the moon while she waits to take ownership of The World. But above all that, her last name is Repulsa. Do you not think at some point in time, someone in their family would have said "You know. Our surname is really just a variation of the word Repulsive. Maybe we could legally change it to Repasta or Replacini or something?"
What are they doing now?
After a routine physical, it was discovered that the stress brought on from years of being the figurehead for an evil empire was slowing killing her heart. She was sent to The Moon's best cardiologist who discovered several stress-induced fractures in her aorta. A swift retirement was necessary (Goldar was promoted to the position of Chief Operating Officer, but due to a series of terrible decisions, including the purchase of several shwarma franchises, the evil empire was forced to declare bankruptcy). Now Rita Repulsa owns a small clothing boutique that caters to the sassy petite woman and volunteers at the local animal shelter.
But for real, what is Machiko Soga doing now?

Oh boy, another death :( Machiko Soga died in her home after a long battle with pancreatic cancer at the age of 68.

Zordon (David Fielding)
A large authority figure hangs out with the gang after school. Honestly? They could have just called Zordon Robo-Belding.
What are they doing now?
Zordon sunk most of his savings in bogus investments with Bernie Madoff. He lost it all and everything was repossessed by the Angel Grove collection agency. Currently one could find Zordon on Ventura Blvd. approaching cars parked at traffic lights asking the passengers if they "like to party".
UPDATE: The floating green head of Zordon was found at approx. 9:33pm last Sunday in the parking lot of JR Jackson Washington's Fine Grills and Gold Tooth Emporium. While no witnesses have yet to come forth, foul play is suspected.
But for real, what is David Fielding doing now?

Oh. My. God. I found this interview wherein David Fielding compares his portrayal of Zordon to both Obi Wan Kenobi and Gandalf. It is UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

Alpha 5 (Richard Steven Horvitz)
Did you ever get the feeling Alpha was gay? He used to wear an apron, right? Am I confusing him with Rosie from The Jetsons? (Maybe)
What are they doing now?
After Zordon's house was taken by a collection agency, Alpha was left penniless and homeless. Luckily he was able to hitch a ride to Los Angeles where he was spotted by a talent agent and the rest is history!
Ai Yai Yai-Love You, Boo! and Alpha 5-is-Enough! can be seen weeknights at 9pm/9:30pm on VH1. Coming this Fall: Alpha and Khloe take Miami (check local listings).
But for real, what is Richard Steven Horvitz doing now?

I absolutely refuse to make any jokes about Richard Steven Horvitz for two reasons. The first is that he is the voice of Zim from one of my absolute favourite tv shows, Invader Zim. The second is that he is friends with one of the best voice-actors in the world Billy West (one of the best. The best is obviously Maurice LaMarche) and being friends with Billy West is something I am supremely jealous of. Horvitz's career as a voice actor is pretty solid and I doubt he'll ever be short on work.

Bulk and Skull (Paul Schrier, Jason Narvy)
Bulk and Skull were the local bullies. They were usually doing pretty harmless stuff like pushing over garbage cans and making fun of the gang. I highly doubt either of them were into hard drugs or have past histories of violent assault.
What are they doing now?
After his weight climbed past 300lbs, Bulk's wife Rhonda submitted his application for NBC's The Biggest Loser. Bulk lost 150lbs through diet, exercise, and painful verbal insults from Jillian Michaels, but most of all, by coming to terms with the crippling abuse he suffered as a child at the hands of a Priest. 3 years later, Bulk has managed to keep the weight off and he and Rhonda will be celebrating his achievement with an Alaskan cruise this summer.
Skull is a graduate of Angel Grove High School and is currently a Warrant Officer in the United States Army. He has a wife, two children (Derek and Jittany) and a Golden Retriever (Lieutenant Col. Frasier McFluff).
But for real, what are Paul Schrier and Jason Narvy doing now?

Paul Schrier seems to have maxed out his appearances in MMPR episodes, because he has appeared in like, 400 episodes. Other than that, he doesn't have much to his credit, and there's nothing really online about him except that he has directed a few tv episodes and made a comic book. Something cute I did discover is that he and Jason Narvy are still best friends.

Speaking of Jason Narvy...sorry, that's Jason Narvy, Ph.D to you. He's got his Doctorate of Dramatic Arts. Jesus, good job buddy! Someone thought ahead. And to think - if I had to put money on it, I would have bet that you were the one who shows up to any and all shitty MMPR fan expos dressed as Skull