The ABCs of Summer...so far

Hey everyone! As I'm sitting here in Starbucks stealing wifi, I've been thinking of a good Where are they now? post to do, and I haven't been able to decide between 3 good ones, so wait for later in the week for that. Also, I feel like a shithead for not writing anything good in the past month, but as regular readers know I usually slow down posting in the summer. I just have a lot to enjoy before Canada turns back into Hoth and I'm forced to spend my nights inside the warm belly of a Tauntaun, praying for sweet sweet summer to come again. Anyways, I thought I'd fill you in on what Canadian summer is like so far.

A is for Air Conditioning
For the past 4 summers, I haven't had air conditioning, and I was doing alright. When it would get really hot, I'd fill up my bathtub with ice cold water and sit in it all night. I'd do everything from the bath: reading, eating dinner, listening to the TV (I couldn't actually move my TV into the bathroom, so instead I'd just turn it up really loud and listen to it thanks to a shared wall between my bathroom and living room). One day my Dad called me and left a message on my phone that said exactly this:

"Hey. Can you give me a call as soon as possible? It's important."

I was sure someone was dead or my parents had a house fire or something equally terrible. I called my parents back and my mother answers the phone and tells me "Oh, your Dad just wanted to know if you wanted an air conditioner. They're on sale at Home Depot". Well, my dad was right - on-sale air conditioners are very important. Anyways, so my parents bought me one for my birthday (a very early birthday present, since my birthday is in the middle of October). And let me tell you - I fucking love it. I put it on at 8pm and shut my bedroom door, and by the time I go to bed at 11, my room is so cold I have to snuggle under my duvet for warmth. I now understand people who fall in love with inanimate objects.

B is for Boys
What is it with summer that makes boys so good looking? Is it shorts? Is it shoes without socks? V-neck t-shirts? I have done this so many times, I feel like I'm going to get detached retinas or something.

C is for Core
Core is the bike store where I get my bike fixed and, Santo Dios, there must be something in the water because all the guys that work there are TOTAL BABES. There is one dude there who is like, seriously 20 or some shit like that, and he is the CUTEST BOY! One time my friend was standing behind him and she smelled his hair (jealous!!) Also I saw him riding his bike and I let out an audible "daaaaaayum!"
This just in, I think I might be a gross cougar :(

D is for Diet Coke
Please name me a more refreshing drink on a hot summer day? EXACTLY, YOU CAINT.

E is for Embarrassingly Excited for Weekends
At 5pm on a Friday in the winter time, I'm all "It's the weekend, big deal, might hang out, might sleep in. Gonna just relax and take it easy probably. Time to put on mittens." But at 5pm on a Friday in the summer time, I'm all

F is for Friendship Bracelets
I have made so many this summer. This is what my wrist looks like right now:

Awesome, right? The only bad thing is when I get out of the shower, and the string is all wet and gross, like soggy dreadlocks on my wrist. I need to find a way to remove them before my shower (will never happen, too lazy). Also this summer I made a friendship bracelet for my 50-year-old Uncle and my sister was like "Something about this is weird". Um, no?!?! What 27-year-old doesn't give their best Uncle a friendship bracelet?? Exactly (Sidebar: it was a fucking amazing one too. Some of my best work).

G is for Gel Eyeliner
Okay, here is something that a lot of you won't know about me unless you know me in person: every single day, unless I'm super late for work or really really lazy, I wear thick black winged eyeliner. This is the part of the story where the boys will just stop reading or mentally check-out. Hey, it's okay, makeup is boring, I get it. Anyways, I'm a pro at liquid; I barely make any mistakes, but that's from years of practice. One day I was complaining to my friend about how the summertime is the natural enemy of liquid eyeliner. It makes it run and transfers to all the other parts of your eyelid and it just looks gross. She introduced me to gel eyeliner and, I swear to god, this shit changed my life. It's so much better. I use Maybelline Eyestudio Lasting Drama Gel Eyeliner (ugh, that name. I just can't). It's really good, cheap, the brush is decent. And for someone who uses as much eyeliner as I do, I need it to be cheap and good. Basically, I could have just summed up this whole paragraph by saying "I'm a sweaty mess and my makeup melts off my face".

H is for Horrible Bosses
So far, this is my favourite movie of the summer. Pros: Jason Sudeiks makes it very easy to fall in love with him, despite the very real, very gross truth that he dated January Jones at one time. Cons: Jason Bateman is a constant reminder that the Arrested Development movie hasn't happened yet.

I is for Ice Cream
I have eaten so much Burt Marshmallow ice cream from Ed's Real Scoop that the last time I climbed a flight of stairs my heart ran its mouth on me and was like "WILL YOU SWITCH TO FROZEN YOGURT ALREADY?!?! I'M FUCKING STRUGGLING HERE!!!"

J is for Job, Tim & Eric Awesome Show Great
Hahaha, that was a stretch. This summer I gifted myself with two new Tim & Eric DVDs and spent two nights in a row watching them. Now I have a whole summer of jokes between my sister and I (GOOD NEWZZZ, CIGARETTE JOOOS).

K is for Kreayshawn
Kreayshawn is like summer dresses; you love them now, but once September 14th hits, it's going to feel really dated and weird and you'll be like "omg why was I so into that?"

L is for Lying in the Grass
More times than I can count, I have eaten dinner in a park and then immediately after had a lie-down in the grass. I am getting misty-eyed just thinking about it!

M is for Moccasins
I have a pair of black slip-on Minnetonka moccasins that I wear everywhere. The left shoe is coming apart at the seams and the right shoe's sole is coming off (it looks like the shoe has a mouth and can talk to me). They are so perfect for summer, I can't stand it: you can ride a bike really well with them, they're perfect for throwing on and off at the beach, despite being made of suede they're really breathable. I know that eventually I'll have to throw them out, but for the summer, I don't mind working the 'filthy Dickenzian street urchin' look.

N is for Nails
I have been doing my nails so much this summer. Oh, is this a good time to plug my nail art tumblr? Don't mind if I do!

O is for Oswalt, Patton
I've been listening to a lot of Patton Oswalt stand-up this summer. I normally associate him with Christmas (not sure why) but he's slowly making his way into my summer vernacular.
O also stands for Owesome Skin: for someone's who's nickname used to be Braillie, my skin is looking fucking fantastic this summer.

P is for Perrier
All day, every day. PREAM. There is nothing better when it's hot and muggy than a super-cold lime Perrier. Also good? Grapefruit Perrier. Terrible and tastes like foot soak? LEMON PERRIER.

Q is for.....
I can't think of anything for Q. Sowwy.

R is for Ribs
I used to hate ribs. Now I like ribs. This is good because ribs are a BBQ staple in the summer and there's nothing worse than being that person who brings 2 hot dog wieners in a ziploc bag to a barbecue and is like "Oh hai, can you make these for me? I like shitty processed foods better than tasty sowsy ribs".

S is for The Sopranos
Every summer I like to pick a TV show and watch every single episode. Last year I watched 3 full seasons of Breaking Bad. This summer I've picked The Sopranos. When it was on TV, I used to scoff at it and pretend I was better than it; I believe I used to describe it as 'smart TV for dumb people'. God, I was an asshole, eh? (Editor's note: "Was"?) But I think I just couldn't get behind a show that every critic and their mom thought was amazing. I mean, usually when everyone likes something, it's pretty broad and pedestrian. How many Emmys and Golden Globes did Friends win, amirite? Anyways, so I borrowed every season on DVD from a friend and...sweet jesus...how is this show so good?!!?!? I feel like such a dummy for not watching it the first time on TV. Right now I'm on the 6th and final season, and I am bugging out!! This is definitely when all the main characters are going to die (since the season before, #5, had a million secondary character deaths. Such as Adriana (WTF??!?! SIL, HOW COULD YOU?!?!) and Steve Buscemi (OMG?!?! TONY, HOW COULD YOU?!?!). Anyways, for the love of god, nobody email me and tell me how Paulie dies, okay? I don't know if he's killed, but I have a feeling he might be. So no spoilers.
Update: I just spoiled Vito Spatafore's death for myself. GODDAMNED WIKIPEDIA!!!

T is for Tanned Arms
I've been riding my bike a lot, and my arms are starting to get very dark. I like it, but I look like a hick when I'm wearing a bathing suit. Also - I'm getting a sick Camp Counselor-tan on my wrist from all my friendship bracelets.

U is for Unicycle
There's a guy who lives in between my house and my friend's house and he rides a unicycle all the time. Here's my question to you: on a scale of 1 to 10, how fucking annoying are unicycles? 1 being "Absolutely" and 10 being "The worst thing in the world". SERIOUSLY GUY, you're not on the shitty Canadian TV show Circus; you don't need to use a unicycle, ever.

V is for...
All I could think of was VDs, which is gross, and Vagina Sweats, which is worse. Hey kids! Remember to wrap it up, otherwise you'll spend the rest of your summer with a VD. That right there is why I am nobody's role model.

W is for Washing my hair much less than I should
Washing your hair in the summer is such a love-hate for me. I love when my hair is clean; I have long hair so obviously it's best when it's clean. I hate standing in my hot shower (because my shower has temperature issues and is either unbearably cold or very hot), I hate putting a hot hairdryer to it, I hate sleeping on it (because it feels like I'm wearing a wet toque). The only part of my hair that is anywhere near clean is the hair around my face and my bangs. I am sure that everything else smells like a used wig from the 1970s.

X is for X-Men
Remember when they used to release the X-Men movies in the middle of the summer? Why didn't they do that with X-Men: First Class? I totally would have seen it if it was a summer movie (ahahaha jk, probably not).

Y is for Yogurt Popsicles
President's Choice, in particular. They make these yogurt smoothie popsicles and I have seriously gone through 4 boxes BY MYSELF. Best ones: mixed berry. Worst ones: peach mango (they taste like facial cleanser).

Z is for Zippers
Can American Apparel make a pair of shorts where the zipper stays done up please? Because I constantly have to pull up the zipper on my shorts and I look like a total pervert every time I do it (Dear Parents: I am NOT trying to expose myself to your kids. I just happen to have only 2 pairs of corduroy shorts and both have shitty zippers).


Alice said...

Talking moccasins, just like that spelling show with the talking shoes...you know the one. That's what I'm picturing walking down the street.

Marina said...

Ok... B and C.. I have to thank you for. We just had our Rotary Fest in our city here.. and there were so many "boys" that I was like.. GAH over. One even who came around a few times to our booth to pick up recycling that was like 20 or so and I had to tell my sister about how hot he was.. then I made myself grossed out and was wondering if I'm at the age where I'm a scary cougar..sick...But really.. this recycling volunteer... wow. Hahaha frig!

alex davey said...

ps i am planning on drawing the abc's

Leia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leia said...

I just found your blog while searching for, what was I searching for?? Oh yes Breaker High pics and omg, I read all your Where are they now posts, and now this one, so fabulous. You're hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I know that this isn't the right post but I'd be remiss not to tell you about what I'm eating as I type these words (greasy keyboard). I am currently in my parents' little house in St-Remy-de-Provence, a town in the south of France about an hour and a half west of Marseille. Where, apparently, MUSTARD chips are available in mass quantities and in all sorts of brands, not just Lays! So of course, I thought of you and wanted to let you know as soon as possible. They taste like yellow mustard and we've effectively gone through a large bag in the time it takes most people to unlock their front door.

That's it, I just wanted to let you know. Mustard still reigns in the land of liberty, equality and fraternity!



(aka Ty yer old intern's ladyfriend)

Kate said...

oh terrible, I didn't realise I could post non-anonymously without an account. Sorry!

Miss Tenki said...

I haven't read your shit in a while. your shit is still just as good. good shit, it's been a while.

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