An open letter to mah boo Jonah Hill

Dear Santa-sized Soulmate

You know how I feel about you, Jonah Hill. My love has been well documented here, as well as how insanely jealous I get here (don't judge me; I have food issues and issues with dudes who have food issues). But today I saw a picture of you that made me so sad I had to say something.

DAYUM TRICK, WHEN DID YOU GET SO SKINNAY?!?! For real though, I'm concerned. Before today, my life's goal was to move to LA, track you down with stalker-like precision (a la Alex Forrest), make you fall in love with me (that's the most difficult part of this plan), get married at IHOP or Taco Bell, and then live happily ever after. But now, after seeing this picture of you, wherein you look like a fucking pale-ass cancer-having Jeff Goldblum, I am not so sure. Jonah - baby - take it easy on the scarf and barf. You're starting to look like a nightmare. Anorexic teenagers are taping this picture to their 'thinspiration board'. Boneaparte from Owl TV is like "holy shit, what happened to that guy?" New York Fashion Week is like "Who's the new girl? Is she Russian?"

But seriously Jonah. Whatever the hell you've been doing, you need to stop, because you look like the fucking Cryptkeeper's dick. I don't understand why you felt the need to lose the chunk, boo. You were getting steady work. I mean, you practically cornered the market on 'chunky stoner' roles. Plus, you were hot as all fuck; were you not getting your breakfast sausage dipped in Aunt Jemima on the regular by all those triflin' Waffle Diggers? Exactly. Besides, your voice was so raspy and strained before, but you were a fatass, so it was funny and charming. Now you're a skinny weirdo with wrinkly skin that hangs off your face, so your raspy wheezy voice sounds like the result of a vitamin deficiency.

In closing, Jonah, I'd like to request you gain the weight back. You look like the sick turtle in a Grade 2 classroom. And if you don't gain the weight back, I'll be forced to move on to my next psycho celebrity crush (Lock your doors Martin Starr, I'M COMING FOR YOU!!!)


Warrior Two said...

Is he trying to impersonate Rob Thomas?

Abby said...

The hell? I didn't even recognize him! I feel sorry for him that he is so successful and yet was obviously so uncomfortable in his own mammoth, sweaty skin. Lack of self-confidence's a bitch.

Alice said...

There's enough skinny people in movies, Jonah and Seth Rogen were filling a niche for loveable chubby comedic actors and now their both so slim. I'm all for getting healthy but what roles are they going to go for now?
I heart Martin Starr. Good choice.