9.30.2011

Move over hugging David Sedaris, this is now No. 1 on my bucket list

Okay, so one of the best things about working with your friends is that you're constantly talking about cool stuff during the day. I mean, obviously hanging out with your friends at night is awesome too; but usually it's the kind of hanging out that involves booze and candy, so you're super hyped up and shouting at each other and nothing makes sense and everything is like "fuck dude, that's the best idea!!!" but then you wake up and you get a text that says "an all-you-can-eat cake buffet would be totally gross" and you can't help but agree. So daytime work friends are the best: catching up on last night's TV, joking about work stuff, dreaming of lunches and that end-of-day magic hour where you know you're going home soon and you're just sailing. This is the stuff I didn't get when I worked from home. So if you'd asked me 10 years ago if I'd ever see myself working in an office, I'd probably have said that I'd rather kill myself; now, after working on offices for a while, I realize there's nothing more fun.

Anyways, a friend of mine just started working with me and it's been fun. Most of the day is spent actually working, but then we'll break up the day with sentences starting with "have you ever seen..." and ending with a YouTube address. Yesterday was no exception. I was talking to my friend about how I can taste the difference between all cola brands, regular, diet, Coke Zeros, no matter what. I'd be willing to go to Vegas with this skill (I'm also pretty proficient with lemon-lime sodas and root beers, but still have difficulty telling the difference betwene Dr. Pepper and Diet Dr. Pepper, which in itself is a testament to Diet Dr. Pepper tasting like regular Dr. Pepper). Then he was like "Have you ever seen that soda pop store with all the sodas?"

UM NO?!?!?!?!

Why have I never known about this?!? So he sends me the link to a clip on YouTube about Galco's Soda Pop Stop. Please PLEASE take a minute and watch this. It's awesome.



So obviously, the first thing I do is Google them and see if they have a website. Of course they do. Galco's Soda Pop Stop's website is just terrible; the logo has been set in my least favourite typeface (Curlz. Oh god, just typing that made my soul sad). Plus, with those fucking MS Paint colours, I feel like I'm looking at someone's shitty Anglefire-hosted NSYNC-tribute page. Seriously, someone needs to help them out here: either splurge for the $300 you can pay a graphic design student to make you a rudimentary website or just don't have one. You're a store that sells liquid in glass bottles. People come to the sodas. You don't ship them. I feel like I can guess how low your profit margins are after you factor in shipping tons of breakables across the country using a postal service that does not give one shit about how many times you write FRAGILE on the box. I digress.

Galco's Soda Pop Stop is located in Los Angeles (of course!) and sells a jillion different kinds of soda pop. Be still my diabeetus-having heart. I feel like if I went (pfft, what am I saying. If. More like when I go and blow close to $400) I would have a very difficult time picking out a favourite. People who know me know that I am a very loyal Diet Coke drinker, so I'm afraid nothing would be better than that (and really, that goes for anything. Name something better than Diet Coke. You can't, exactly). Quick story derailment: I've been listening to Jay Mohr's podcast Mohr Stories a lot recently (it's really terrific, and was recommended by a work friend - of course) and there's a part where Jay is talking about how deep his alcoholism ran when he knew he could have someone put down 14 unmarked beers in front of him and he could name all 14. Instead of me going "oh shit, that guy was a little too involved with beers" I went "so what? I could do the same thing with soda pop". Give me a break, I'm powerless against this disease. Actually, I shouldn't joke about that; my parents are actually concerned that I drink too much Diet Coke, like the way someone would be concerned you smoke too much meth or shoplift too much. I know that Diet Coke will never kill me (please provide me with documented proof before you email me with the subject line IT'S BEEN PROVEN, DIET COKE WILL KILL YOU) but I like to imagine 50 years down the road I'll be filming a PSA wherein I'm wearing a bathrobe, ranting out loud to myself, scuttling around a filthy kitchen, while a Jon Hamm voice-over says "Diet sodas have been proven to deplete brain function" and in the background you hear a tinny child's piano slowly play out 1-2 Buckle My Shoe or Turkey in the Straw or something. Sidebar: Why are PSAs so fucking creepy?

Anyways, to get to my point. I just need to let you guys know about this place. If you live in Los Angeles or California or just like road trips and bottled sugar water, then get your asses to Galco's Soda Pop Stop. Write me a letter and tell me what Heaven is like.

9.22.2011

8 Fall Haircuts You Definitely Love, or Hair! It's Dead: Stop Giving a Shit

After reading a post on the internet about all of Katy Perry's food-themed costumes (most of them fruit, all of them stupid) I was directed to an article on Fall Hair. Why do I care about hairstyles? I don't really. Then again, I have written about hair before on The Skip-Raid, so I figured, why not again? I mean, it's a slow week. Sometimes you need filler material that tests how funny you can be when given a boring subject.

The InStyle link was for a slide show called 8 Fall Haircuts We Know You'll Love. Really? You know I'll love them? I don't know about that. Love is a pretty strong word. Not to mention that I have the hair of a 16-year-old who makes shitty decisions:


If my hair was a Halloween wig sold at Value Village, it would be called Skid Wig or Dropout Hair. Anyways, back to the slide show. According to InStyle, it's time I traded out blue tips and at-home bang-trims for one of the 8 following hairstyles. Which should I choose?!?!


Dianna Agron's Shaggy Bob
WHAT IT IS: "I call this haircut a 'shab,'" says hairstylist Giannandrea, who created this look for the star. "It's a cross between a bob and a shag." The hair is cut above the shoulders, and then razored from back to front at a slight angle. "This is the kind of style that comes to life with the styling."


This hair cut looks like total shit. She looks like a Eurotrash tourist. Next!

Evan Rachel Wood's Punk Rock Crop
WHAT IT IS: A short on the sides, long on the top cut. "Because the hair covers the ears, the cut looks feminine," says Townsend. "Boys haircuts are trimmed around the ears."


First off, someone explain to me how this is 'punk'. Please. I just have no idea. Second: unless you're Evan Rachel Wood, this is called Mom Hair, and you're going to look like you've given up on life if you cut your hair like this. Any girl over the age of 19 who gets this hair cut is making a terrible mistake.

Ashlee Simpson's Perfect Pixie
WHAT IT IS: A cool update on the retro pixie: Short in the back with a swoop of asymmetrical, face-framing bangs. "The long bits on the side are so flirty," says Townsend.


Using Ashlee Simpson as an example for anything besides that of a washed-up has-been (never was?) is in-excusable. I just cannot stand how she's trying so hard to make 'cool, urban, L.A. celebrity' thing happen. YOU WERE ON 7TH HEAVEN, HOMIE. Never forget.
But about her hair - this is just long-short hair. "Make my hair short, but keep it a little long" is what I would imagine you'd tell the hairdresser.

Jennifer Love Hewitt's Long Bangs and Bob
WHAT IT IS: Thick, arched bangs and a straight bob cut three inches below the collarbone. "This cut is all about those blunt ends," says Townsend. "There are some soft layers on the underside of the hair, but the appearance is very sharp and very modern."


I don't care how much you church it up, this is just straight hair with bangs.

Tyra Banks's Wavy Bob and Straight Bangs
WHAT IT IS: A long bob that starts at the shoulders and gradually tapers to the collarbone. "Because her bangs have those choppy ends, the straight line isn't too severe," says Townsend.


This is just wavy hair with bangs. You could also say that since we're dealing with Tyra, this is just 'wavy wig with bang option'. Hey-o! It feels like years since I made a good Tyra Banks wig joke.

Heidi Klum's All-Over Layers
WHAT IT IS: The polar opposite of a mom cut. "Heidi's hair is mid-length, which can get a little dowdy, but because of the dimensional layers sliced throughout, it has a great shape and isn't one bit matronly," Townsend says.


This is straight hair with no bangs. This is...just normal hair? Is this a style?

Cat Deeley's Classic Long Layers
WHAT IT IS: Chunky, face-framing layers with tapered ends. "These layers are not about blending. This is not the '90s Jennifer Aniston look," says Townsend. "You really want to have your stylist cut two distinct sets of layers at the chin and at the collarbone."


Longer hair with no bangs. This is like Heidi Klum's hair, but longer.

Katie Holmes's Barely There Layers
WHAT IT IS: Extra-long, chest-length hair with subtle thinning at the ends to prevent the styling from looking Marcia Brady.


This is long hair with no bangs. This is like Cat Deeley's long hair, but longer. And brown.

So, to sum it all up, the hairstyles you'll love are: choppy shitty mess, mom hair, long-short, straight hair with bangs, wavy hair with bangs, long hair, longer hair, very long hair. OMG I LOVE THEM ALL!!! I CAN'T CHOOSE!!!!!

9.21.2011

I get emails from terrific people

Since starting this blog too many damn years ago, I have been on the receiving end of a couple hundred amazing emails from strangers and, major truth, I fucking love it. Sometimes the emails are really positive and cool and neat. I have personal emails from a couple of my heroes (the best being from Michael K which, seriously, I will NEVER DELETE no matter what. Oooh, that sounded like some Misery shit. Michael K, you in danger, girl). But above all, it just makes it feel like writing a blog isn't a total waste of time (cue the sound of a hundred eyes rolling).

When I'm not getting good emails, I'm getting boatloads of spam. But under all that spam, there are several brutal emails from people that I just cannot ever delete because they are too awesome. Here's the thing about hate mail: it's just so precious. It takes a lot to sit down at a computer and finely craft a scathing, acidic letter to someone. I appreciate that, because it's way too easy to just anonymously write "ur a fucking looser" in the comments section of a post. You have to really dislike someone to write a letter. So anyways, I got this gem in my in-box this afternoon. Have a look:

(It goes without saying, but you'll need to click on the emails below in order to make them big enough to read)



So yeah. That exists. Since I'm lazy and have no quality of life, I have no problem publishing people's emails they've sent. I mean, I'm not a totally hateful dickhead, so I at least blurred out his email address (I think that secured my spot in heaven). I'm still unsure as to why this person (let's pretend it's a dude for argument's sake) felt like they needed to write me this email, but they did, so let's discuss. Here's what I took from it:

1. This email came from a very cool person. They're doing a cocaine study. Allow me to go ahead and guess the outcome of this study: Cocaine makes people act like obnoxious shitheads. There you go, I just saved you a bunch of time and money.

2. They think I should learn to cook (or at least stop being so lazy). Well, I can't argue with that; I am incredibly lazy and I can't cook for shit. Last night I had spaghetti and Trix cereal for dinner.

3. "Kinda funny"? Hell, I would have also accepted barely funny, marginally funny, and funny if you just spent the afternoon painting an enclosed space.

4. This person thinks that if I "comment on the normally commentless" (not a word, but whatever) or "crack an egg" it will improve my quality of life and/or increase my stock as a woman. I'm sure that may be correct somewhere, but for now I'm resting on the fact that I have a terrific ass.

5. You found my blog because you were trying to find out if Ryan Gosling was on Breaker High? Here, let me IMDB that for you...

6. I don't understand the first PS

7. I definitely don't understand the second PS

All this left me with a head full of confusion, so I wrote back this:




Sorry guy! Wish I could help you work through your problems, but I have no idea what the fuck you were trying to tell me with that email. Thanks for writing!

9.19.2011

American Food! (aka The Love of My Life)

This weekend I crossed the Ontario/New York border and had a great time in Buffalo visiting America's many stores, many malls, and many Olive Gardens (only to be told that it would be a 2-hour wait for a table. EFF THAT. Homie don't play dat). And what do I love to do most of all in 'Murrica? That's right - take pictures of wacky, crappy foods! Here are some of the best things I saw in the grocery store this weekend:

Okay, so apparently popcorn has gotten boring. It's just hot corn kernels and salty, butter flavoured oil. SNORE! Wake me up when someone makes a popcorn that is able to hold my attention. Oh wait, that time is now?!? Popcorn that pops to a moldy-blue colour? Yeah! This ain't your Parent's popcorn! This is NEW POPCORN! Let's re-name it Cool Corn NO WAIT Kool Korn! Yesssss. Holy shit, this new popcorn is going to take America by storm!!! (Seriously, what the fuck is this?)

I have written about the abomination that is Extra Dessert Delights before. It's the gum that tastes like dessert. Because everything in America has to taste like dessert. EVERYTHING. Like I've said before, America's motto shouldn't be In God We Trust, it should be Make it Taste Like Dessert. I guess since Creamsicle, Mint Chocolate Chip, and Strawberry Cheesecake sold like gangbusters, they decided to release a new flavour for the dessert-gum-loving public: apple pie. Can you think of anything more repulsive than gum that tastes like wet apple slices and flaky pastry?

Mentos makes gum, apparently. But their thing is that you get two flavours in one pack. I like that. But when one of the flavours is called Day Mint and the other is called Nighttime Mint, am I really choosing? It's mint. Mint gum. How is this a thing again?

"I'll take a pack of smokes, 6-er of Miller High Life, the March issue of Juggz, king-sized Snickers. And....hmm...you know that gum that's like, douchebag gum? Yeah, the one with Shaun White on it. Gimme a couple packs of that."

When I first heard about the Jimmy Dean sausage-on-a-stick-wrapped-in-pancake, my first reaction was "oh my god, Americans are disgusting". But then the closer I got to a real, live box of Jimmy Dean Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick, the more I realized "hey, this is a terrific idea and why am I not buying this and eating it right now?"

Usually I'm on the cutting edge of new candy and snack trends, but I totally missed when Marshmallows became a thing. It feels like I went to sleep one night and woke up the next morning and all of a sudden everyone and their dog was barking about fancy marshmallows. I mean, I'm not against it; marshmallows are a great foodstuff. Kraft Jet-Puffed brand marshmallows are just destroying the marshmallow section of your grocery store. The flavours from this company. Ugh. Could I work there please? It's my dream job. Chocolate-mint marshmallows. These would either taste extremely delicious or extra barfy, but I will say this: I bet they'd be amazing in hot chocolate.

Chocolate Royale flavour. So...chocolate then? I have actually had these (back when they were simply Jet-Puffed Chocolate-Vanilla Swirl marshmallows, which just tasted like chocolate, but were swirled and looked like vomit). I'd put these in coffee (I like to put marshmallows in coffee. I also like to throw a scoop of ice cream in coffee too. My doctor says I'll probably die soon. I'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO!)

Cinnamon Bun marshmallows. These don't seem like they'd be my cup of candy. I really like cinnamon-sugar flavoured items, but there's something off about a "cinnamon bun" flavour. It always incorporates some sort of cake note, and an artificial icing note. Also, cinnamon marshmallows? Ew. What would you use these in? Has anyone ever make Rice Krispy Squres and thrown in a pinch of cinnamon? I doubt it.

I like to rag on America for being gluttonous, greedy, lazy hogs (ouch, that was way harsh Tai. Canadians are fat, lazy, dumbasses too) but when they get something right, they get it RIGHT. See: Stacker Mallows. I don't know what's in the water at the Kraft Jet Puffed head offices, but they are cranking out genius ideas left, right, and centre. These are just regular marshmallows that are flat rectangles. I know, right?!? Why the hell has no one invented s'mores-appropriate marshmallows before? A large marshmallow is too big and round and explodes out the sides of a s'more. A flat rectangular slab of marshmallow is the perfect proportion to the chocolate and graham. I really hope these come to Canada.

So, everyone knows those one-cup coffee makers (Keurig) are pretty lame. The coffee always tastes way too weak and smells like shitty instant. Forget about putting a tea or a hot chocolate one in there, cause it's going to come out tasting like day-old hospital coffee. This package design almost makes me believe in the single-serve coffee machine (almost).

Major truth: As a Canadian, I should have Tim Horton's coffee running through my veins. I don't. I just don't really like the taste of it. But I love Dunkin' Donuts coffee; simply put, it tastes like crappy diner coffee, and I love that kind of coffee. But. BUT. Dunkin' Donuts is not without its faults. For example: they are a little too in love with the idea of shitty coffee flavours. Strawberry Shortcake coffee? Really? Guys, come on, get your shit together.

Cookie Dough Bites and Cinnamon Bun Bites. Oh America, of course. Look, I love candy. Love it. But what I don't like is when you take something fucking perfect (cookie dough, cinnamon buns, for example) and you shrink them down to rabbit pellet size and just chock them full of oils and flavourings and put them in a box. And why?!?! Why do you do this?!? JUST EAT A FUCKING TUBE OF PILLSBURY.

In the words of my best friend: "How fucking lazy do you have to be to buy pre-sliced apples and de-stemmed grapes in plastic bags?"

I really should have used a normal can to show scale, but this can of Chef Boyardee ravioli is clearly huge. 2 pounds 8 ounces; that's the size of a very small baby. That's nearly 3lbs of food. I saw that can and went "oh my god, I could eat for a week! Or at least a night...." I would love to see these giant cans of ravioli come to Canada. They would constantly have dust on them and you'd find iPhone pictures of them on tumblrs with captions like "EW, WHO NEEDS THIS MUCH SHITTY PASTA?"

Oh boy, bring on the yogurt! American yogurt never lets me down. Even if they invent one new flavour (flavurs 4 fattiez) it's usually a good one. First up is Triple Berry Torte. This is confusing to me, because the picture makes it look like berry cheesecake. I just Googled 'berry torte' and it looks like that picture is pretty darn close, so I'll give them a pass. So this yogurt is to taste like cream, berries, pie crust, and...whatever makes that filling so cheesecake-like (probably cheesecake flavouring oils). Did you know that, by the way? There are flavour research centres that do nothing but replicate flavours into essential oils. They have essential oils that taste exactly like cheesecake and cookie dough and strawberry licorice and never have they once come from what they are supposed to taste like. You could literally make Doritos-flavoured yogurt. Seriously - you guys eat this?

I think I've talked about Black Forest Cake before, but it still baffles me. Yogurt that tastes like chocolate cake, whipped cream, cherry pie filling. A dairy-based cream with active bacteria cultures that tastes like buffet dessert.

Chocolate Mousse yogurt. Really. You're that into your diet? Just have a piece of chocolate and call it a day. Why do I imagine the type of people who buy this yogurt as just totally insufferable bores who love to talk about calories and weight management?

Oh, Pop Tarts. You're not even trying for Breakfast anymore, are you? What kind of terrible mother would give this to their kids for breakfast? Pumpkin pie is NOT a breakfast food!
...I might have bought these :(

Good source of 8 vitamins and minterals. Good lord. Why do they even bother? They might as well just put "THIS SHIT TASTES LIKE A BIRTHDAY CAKE AND HAS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE AND WE KNOW YOU'RE STILL GOING TO BUY IT".

This was the largest container of cheese balls I have ever seen in my life. They spent a good 15 minutes in my cart before we decided to put them back on the shelf. I bet they taste delicious.

For the motivated American, make your own Reese's peanut butter cups at home! Or save yourself the trouble and just inject an IV with melted butter into your arm and slowly watch your dignity die.

I have a love-hate relationship with Coffee Mate. On the one hand, it's a terrific food product. It makes your coffee taste amazing with very little effort. All the flavours (while artificial) taste clean and smooth and real. I especially like their Double-Double Mate (in the US it's called Sweet Cream). But, on the other hand, sometimes they do over-complicated flavours that just put in too much and fuck it all up. I picked up this Caramel Macchiato flavour and thought about it for a second, but then was like "Why don't you just make a caramel flavour?" Really. Why does it need to be Caramel Macchiato? Do you add espresso flavour to it? I don't get it. Just make caramel. Don't make it fancy. Coffee Mate isn't fancy. Stop trying to church it up.

I should have bought these. Goddamn regrets.

This isn't a grocery item; it's from the mall food court. I just thought it was an awful name for a kid's drink. This isn't Engrish - is no one proof-reading stuff anymore? Is there no one in your office that says "listen, here's the thing about pedos..." But then again, I find that no where but America will you find a million stores and restaurants with pseudo-sexual names like Dicks (sporting goods) and BJs (restaurant). I'm not lying when I say I am so sure I saw a place called Cooters that wasn't a strip club or seedy bar (it was probably a family restaurant or something). I'm so sure that if I registered a chain of family-run day cares as Wang Dingleberries, no one would bat an eye. Meanwhile, back in Canada, you'd have a million police at your house questioning you for 48 hours until your lawyer showed up. So to every Canadian wanting to open a bakery called Cooch McGoochins or a bar called Butterface Rugburn or a roller rink called Sting Ring, then switch your citizenship to American and watch all your dreams come true!

9.02.2011

New Strip Club Ideas

It was last weekend that I was at my local DVD rental (I'm pretty sure that it's me and about 9 elderly people keeping that place open) when I saw the box for Twin Peaks and thought "that would be an amazing name for a strip club". Then it got me thinking: how awesome would it be to go to a Twin Peaks-themed strip club?? Then my mind started really working overtime when I thought about how awesome it would be to WORK at a Twin Peaks-themed strip club (I CALL LOG LADY!!) That's something I've never understood; why are strip clubs all total rape dens like the Bada-Bing from The Sopranos and not cool places? Oh right, because dudes don't need fun snacks or dance routines; they want boobs and filthy R&B and 7" lucite heels. And women don't need costume changes or interesting lighting; they want penis-shaped straws and oily buff guys asking them to do body shots out of their belly buttons.

But moving on. I started thinking of more themed strip club ideas, and this is what I've come up with (and a few terrible, terrible ideas at the end):

TWIN PEAKS
In the event David Lynch gets pissed about trademark infringement or misuse of property and makes you change the name, you could do something punny like Twin Peeks (which, let's face it, just sounds adorable). This would probably a mens club where all the dancers are girls, but I think the DJ should be a dude and he should look like The Man From Another Place (complete with announcing the dancers in backwards-speak). I thought that all the dancing should be to Julee Cruise, but I reconsidered once I faced facts that "Falling" is a super depressing song and guys don't go to strip clubs to be bummed out, so Twin Peaks-appropriate songs might be the most difficult wrench in this plan.

RUDE DUDES
Alternate title: Lewd Dudes (let's leave something to the imagination, shall we?) Rude Dudes would be a womens club and the whole idea is that the guys would be as rude (or lewd) as possible. Let's be honest for a second, ladies: we love assholes. Why not make a strip club where all the guys are just total degenerates: constantly scratching themselves, burping on stage, no one is waxed up like a Ken Doll, the dancers quit mid-song and go "yeah, I'm done. Thanks gals!" I mean, how awesome would it be if one of the dancers came up to your table and said "Hey girl, you wanna grab me a beer? Just kidding, what can I get you and how long would you like me to stir it with my wang?"
PS: I have been to a strip club wherein I saw many drinks stirred with penises and the women were so excited and like "OMG! YEAH! STIR MY DRINK MORE! LOL!!" I was SO APPALLED! I mean, ladies, it's still a penis - pee comes out of it.

JIMINY CRICKETS
Everything would be huge and wooden and would look like you're a tiny cricket in a massive, old fashioned woodshop. Maybe this could also be Pinocchio themed? Is that weird though? I mean, I'd think it would be more puppet/marionette-based and not so 'old single dude creates a young boy to hang out with' which is...pretty much asking to be shut down by the Decency Police. I don't know who would get more of a kick out of this: straight dudes, straight girls, or gay dudes. But I feel like the terms "I wanna be a real boy someday!" and "This room is filled with wood!" lend themselves best to gay dudes.

G STRINGS
Why don't we just turn all the Hard Rock Cafes of the world into strip clubs. I mean, does anyone actually go there to eat? I'm sure that some of them are profitable (Hard Rock Cafe New York) but others must be just a couple of comped chicken finger meals away from Chapter 11. Let's turn half of them into G Strings at the Hard Rock and see what happens. Also, did your mind just automatically turn that into G Strings at the Hard Cock like mine did? I know, we're terrible.

NORTHER EXXXPOSURE
This would be an Alaskan themed strip club. There would be lots of taxidermy animals and plaid and all the drinks would be themed (The Sawed-Off Shotgun, The High School Dropout, The Drunk Snowmobile). This could be a cool way to incorporate a mixed club: you'd have girls only wearing parkas for the guys, hot fish-out-of-water Jewish doctors for the girls. I feel like that without the boobs and wangs, this could also be an awesome bar to hang out in. Can someone make me a Northern Exposure-themed bar?

ASS-ASS-INS
This could go one of two ways, depending on how you interpret the word 'assassin'.
1. Cold contract killers, usually Russian. Murder without mercy. This could be okay, but it's a little too close to having a James Bond-themed strip club, which is sort of lame (right?)
2. The people who loaded up their old timey pistols with gun powder and shot Jesse James and Lincoln and Franz Ferdinand. I feel that this would only appeal to Civil War re-creationists and people who watch PBS, and I don't know how often those type of people go to strip clubs, so this idea might be a waste of money.

Here are the ideas that I don't think would ever get off the ground:

NUT HUGGERS
Male strippers that hug you. Ew wait, I don't want that.

THE BUTTHOLE
This sounds like more of a gay club, and I'm sure if I Googled "The Butthole" I'd find something, but I'm not so sure I want that in my search history.

WOODSTOCK-Y
A 60's themed strip club with all overweight strippers. Actually, find the right customers, and this could be a money maker.

THE PUSSY ROOM
This would be a strip club that also allowed cats to meander up on stage and around the bar. Eventually one would piss on the carpet, and you can never get that smell out, so you'd be spending so much money on steam cleaning.

DOUCHEBAGZ
I thought it might be funny to have some kind of Jersey Shore/trash themed strip club where everyone was super orange and roided up like crazy, but again - isn't that like 99.9% of strip clubs already?

THE EARLY BIRD
All the strippers would wear grey wigs and would dance with walkers and canes and would constantly ask for the music to be turned up and would offer people hard candies. This idea is just weird and a little disturbing.