8 Fall Haircuts You Definitely Love, or Hair! It's Dead: Stop Giving a Shit

After reading a post on the internet about all of Katy Perry's food-themed costumes (most of them fruit, all of them stupid) I was directed to an article on Fall Hair. Why do I care about hairstyles? I don't really. Then again, I have written about hair before on The Skip-Raid, so I figured, why not again? I mean, it's a slow week. Sometimes you need filler material that tests how funny you can be when given a boring subject.

The InStyle link was for a slide show called 8 Fall Haircuts We Know You'll Love. Really? You know I'll love them? I don't know about that. Love is a pretty strong word. Not to mention that I have the hair of a 16-year-old who makes shitty decisions:

If my hair was a Halloween wig sold at Value Village, it would be called Skid Wig or Dropout Hair. Anyways, back to the slide show. According to InStyle, it's time I traded out blue tips and at-home bang-trims for one of the 8 following hairstyles. Which should I choose?!?!

Dianna Agron's Shaggy Bob
WHAT IT IS: "I call this haircut a 'shab,'" says hairstylist Giannandrea, who created this look for the star. "It's a cross between a bob and a shag." The hair is cut above the shoulders, and then razored from back to front at a slight angle. "This is the kind of style that comes to life with the styling."

This hair cut looks like total shit. She looks like a Eurotrash tourist. Next!

Evan Rachel Wood's Punk Rock Crop
WHAT IT IS: A short on the sides, long on the top cut. "Because the hair covers the ears, the cut looks feminine," says Townsend. "Boys haircuts are trimmed around the ears."

First off, someone explain to me how this is 'punk'. Please. I just have no idea. Second: unless you're Evan Rachel Wood, this is called Mom Hair, and you're going to look like you've given up on life if you cut your hair like this. Any girl over the age of 19 who gets this hair cut is making a terrible mistake.

Ashlee Simpson's Perfect Pixie
WHAT IT IS: A cool update on the retro pixie: Short in the back with a swoop of asymmetrical, face-framing bangs. "The long bits on the side are so flirty," says Townsend.

Using Ashlee Simpson as an example for anything besides that of a washed-up has-been (never was?) is in-excusable. I just cannot stand how she's trying so hard to make 'cool, urban, L.A. celebrity' thing happen. YOU WERE ON 7TH HEAVEN, HOMIE. Never forget.
But about her hair - this is just long-short hair. "Make my hair short, but keep it a little long" is what I would imagine you'd tell the hairdresser.

Jennifer Love Hewitt's Long Bangs and Bob
WHAT IT IS: Thick, arched bangs and a straight bob cut three inches below the collarbone. "This cut is all about those blunt ends," says Townsend. "There are some soft layers on the underside of the hair, but the appearance is very sharp and very modern."

I don't care how much you church it up, this is just straight hair with bangs.

Tyra Banks's Wavy Bob and Straight Bangs
WHAT IT IS: A long bob that starts at the shoulders and gradually tapers to the collarbone. "Because her bangs have those choppy ends, the straight line isn't too severe," says Townsend.

This is just wavy hair with bangs. You could also say that since we're dealing with Tyra, this is just 'wavy wig with bang option'. Hey-o! It feels like years since I made a good Tyra Banks wig joke.

Heidi Klum's All-Over Layers
WHAT IT IS: The polar opposite of a mom cut. "Heidi's hair is mid-length, which can get a little dowdy, but because of the dimensional layers sliced throughout, it has a great shape and isn't one bit matronly," Townsend says.

This is straight hair with no bangs. This is...just normal hair? Is this a style?

Cat Deeley's Classic Long Layers
WHAT IT IS: Chunky, face-framing layers with tapered ends. "These layers are not about blending. This is not the '90s Jennifer Aniston look," says Townsend. "You really want to have your stylist cut two distinct sets of layers at the chin and at the collarbone."

Longer hair with no bangs. This is like Heidi Klum's hair, but longer.

Katie Holmes's Barely There Layers
WHAT IT IS: Extra-long, chest-length hair with subtle thinning at the ends to prevent the styling from looking Marcia Brady.

This is long hair with no bangs. This is like Cat Deeley's long hair, but longer. And brown.

So, to sum it all up, the hairstyles you'll love are: choppy shitty mess, mom hair, long-short, straight hair with bangs, wavy hair with bangs, long hair, longer hair, very long hair. OMG I LOVE THEM ALL!!! I CAN'T CHOOSE!!!!!


Renee said...

I keep trying to pronounce 'Giannandrea" and it doesn't work. My tongue is all, "Eh.... no."

Alice said...

Heidi Klum's hair is the EPITOME of Mom hair right now! Long, highlights, not a lot of work involved.

Yeah, this is what my hair looks like - and I have a 2 year old and the other day I found a half-eaten cracker in my hair at the end of the day at the office.
Worst part? I considered eating it.

What happened to me? I used to be cool(ish).

Also, did you see Ashlee Simpson on ANTM All Stars?! You are watching this crap right? I can't be the only one!