American Food! (aka The Love of My Life)

This weekend I crossed the Ontario/New York border and had a great time in Buffalo visiting America's many stores, many malls, and many Olive Gardens (only to be told that it would be a 2-hour wait for a table. EFF THAT. Homie don't play dat). And what do I love to do most of all in 'Murrica? That's right - take pictures of wacky, crappy foods! Here are some of the best things I saw in the grocery store this weekend:

Okay, so apparently popcorn has gotten boring. It's just hot corn kernels and salty, butter flavoured oil. SNORE! Wake me up when someone makes a popcorn that is able to hold my attention. Oh wait, that time is now?!? Popcorn that pops to a moldy-blue colour? Yeah! This ain't your Parent's popcorn! This is NEW POPCORN! Let's re-name it Cool Corn NO WAIT Kool Korn! Yesssss. Holy shit, this new popcorn is going to take America by storm!!! (Seriously, what the fuck is this?)

I have written about the abomination that is Extra Dessert Delights before. It's the gum that tastes like dessert. Because everything in America has to taste like dessert. EVERYTHING. Like I've said before, America's motto shouldn't be In God We Trust, it should be Make it Taste Like Dessert. I guess since Creamsicle, Mint Chocolate Chip, and Strawberry Cheesecake sold like gangbusters, they decided to release a new flavour for the dessert-gum-loving public: apple pie. Can you think of anything more repulsive than gum that tastes like wet apple slices and flaky pastry?

Mentos makes gum, apparently. But their thing is that you get two flavours in one pack. I like that. But when one of the flavours is called Day Mint and the other is called Nighttime Mint, am I really choosing? It's mint. Mint gum. How is this a thing again?

"I'll take a pack of smokes, 6-er of Miller High Life, the March issue of Juggz, king-sized Snickers. And....hmm...you know that gum that's like, douchebag gum? Yeah, the one with Shaun White on it. Gimme a couple packs of that."

When I first heard about the Jimmy Dean sausage-on-a-stick-wrapped-in-pancake, my first reaction was "oh my god, Americans are disgusting". But then the closer I got to a real, live box of Jimmy Dean Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick, the more I realized "hey, this is a terrific idea and why am I not buying this and eating it right now?"

Usually I'm on the cutting edge of new candy and snack trends, but I totally missed when Marshmallows became a thing. It feels like I went to sleep one night and woke up the next morning and all of a sudden everyone and their dog was barking about fancy marshmallows. I mean, I'm not against it; marshmallows are a great foodstuff. Kraft Jet-Puffed brand marshmallows are just destroying the marshmallow section of your grocery store. The flavours from this company. Ugh. Could I work there please? It's my dream job. Chocolate-mint marshmallows. These would either taste extremely delicious or extra barfy, but I will say this: I bet they'd be amazing in hot chocolate.

Chocolate Royale flavour. So...chocolate then? I have actually had these (back when they were simply Jet-Puffed Chocolate-Vanilla Swirl marshmallows, which just tasted like chocolate, but were swirled and looked like vomit). I'd put these in coffee (I like to put marshmallows in coffee. I also like to throw a scoop of ice cream in coffee too. My doctor says I'll probably die soon. I'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO!)

Cinnamon Bun marshmallows. These don't seem like they'd be my cup of candy. I really like cinnamon-sugar flavoured items, but there's something off about a "cinnamon bun" flavour. It always incorporates some sort of cake note, and an artificial icing note. Also, cinnamon marshmallows? Ew. What would you use these in? Has anyone ever make Rice Krispy Squres and thrown in a pinch of cinnamon? I doubt it.

I like to rag on America for being gluttonous, greedy, lazy hogs (ouch, that was way harsh Tai. Canadians are fat, lazy, dumbasses too) but when they get something right, they get it RIGHT. See: Stacker Mallows. I don't know what's in the water at the Kraft Jet Puffed head offices, but they are cranking out genius ideas left, right, and centre. These are just regular marshmallows that are flat rectangles. I know, right?!? Why the hell has no one invented s'mores-appropriate marshmallows before? A large marshmallow is too big and round and explodes out the sides of a s'more. A flat rectangular slab of marshmallow is the perfect proportion to the chocolate and graham. I really hope these come to Canada.

So, everyone knows those one-cup coffee makers (Keurig) are pretty lame. The coffee always tastes way too weak and smells like shitty instant. Forget about putting a tea or a hot chocolate one in there, cause it's going to come out tasting like day-old hospital coffee. This package design almost makes me believe in the single-serve coffee machine (almost).

Major truth: As a Canadian, I should have Tim Horton's coffee running through my veins. I don't. I just don't really like the taste of it. But I love Dunkin' Donuts coffee; simply put, it tastes like crappy diner coffee, and I love that kind of coffee. But. BUT. Dunkin' Donuts is not without its faults. For example: they are a little too in love with the idea of shitty coffee flavours. Strawberry Shortcake coffee? Really? Guys, come on, get your shit together.

Cookie Dough Bites and Cinnamon Bun Bites. Oh America, of course. Look, I love candy. Love it. But what I don't like is when you take something fucking perfect (cookie dough, cinnamon buns, for example) and you shrink them down to rabbit pellet size and just chock them full of oils and flavourings and put them in a box. And why?!?! Why do you do this?!? JUST EAT A FUCKING TUBE OF PILLSBURY.

In the words of my best friend: "How fucking lazy do you have to be to buy pre-sliced apples and de-stemmed grapes in plastic bags?"

I really should have used a normal can to show scale, but this can of Chef Boyardee ravioli is clearly huge. 2 pounds 8 ounces; that's the size of a very small baby. That's nearly 3lbs of food. I saw that can and went "oh my god, I could eat for a week! Or at least a night...." I would love to see these giant cans of ravioli come to Canada. They would constantly have dust on them and you'd find iPhone pictures of them on tumblrs with captions like "EW, WHO NEEDS THIS MUCH SHITTY PASTA?"

Oh boy, bring on the yogurt! American yogurt never lets me down. Even if they invent one new flavour (flavurs 4 fattiez) it's usually a good one. First up is Triple Berry Torte. This is confusing to me, because the picture makes it look like berry cheesecake. I just Googled 'berry torte' and it looks like that picture is pretty darn close, so I'll give them a pass. So this yogurt is to taste like cream, berries, pie crust, and...whatever makes that filling so cheesecake-like (probably cheesecake flavouring oils). Did you know that, by the way? There are flavour research centres that do nothing but replicate flavours into essential oils. They have essential oils that taste exactly like cheesecake and cookie dough and strawberry licorice and never have they once come from what they are supposed to taste like. You could literally make Doritos-flavoured yogurt. Seriously - you guys eat this?

I think I've talked about Black Forest Cake before, but it still baffles me. Yogurt that tastes like chocolate cake, whipped cream, cherry pie filling. A dairy-based cream with active bacteria cultures that tastes like buffet dessert.

Chocolate Mousse yogurt. Really. You're that into your diet? Just have a piece of chocolate and call it a day. Why do I imagine the type of people who buy this yogurt as just totally insufferable bores who love to talk about calories and weight management?

Oh, Pop Tarts. You're not even trying for Breakfast anymore, are you? What kind of terrible mother would give this to their kids for breakfast? Pumpkin pie is NOT a breakfast food!
...I might have bought these :(

Good source of 8 vitamins and minterals. Good lord. Why do they even bother? They might as well just put "THIS SHIT TASTES LIKE A BIRTHDAY CAKE AND HAS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE AND WE KNOW YOU'RE STILL GOING TO BUY IT".

This was the largest container of cheese balls I have ever seen in my life. They spent a good 15 minutes in my cart before we decided to put them back on the shelf. I bet they taste delicious.

For the motivated American, make your own Reese's peanut butter cups at home! Or save yourself the trouble and just inject an IV with melted butter into your arm and slowly watch your dignity die.

I have a love-hate relationship with Coffee Mate. On the one hand, it's a terrific food product. It makes your coffee taste amazing with very little effort. All the flavours (while artificial) taste clean and smooth and real. I especially like their Double-Double Mate (in the US it's called Sweet Cream). But, on the other hand, sometimes they do over-complicated flavours that just put in too much and fuck it all up. I picked up this Caramel Macchiato flavour and thought about it for a second, but then was like "Why don't you just make a caramel flavour?" Really. Why does it need to be Caramel Macchiato? Do you add espresso flavour to it? I don't get it. Just make caramel. Don't make it fancy. Coffee Mate isn't fancy. Stop trying to church it up.

I should have bought these. Goddamn regrets.

This isn't a grocery item; it's from the mall food court. I just thought it was an awful name for a kid's drink. This isn't Engrish - is no one proof-reading stuff anymore? Is there no one in your office that says "listen, here's the thing about pedos..." But then again, I find that no where but America will you find a million stores and restaurants with pseudo-sexual names like Dicks (sporting goods) and BJs (restaurant). I'm not lying when I say I am so sure I saw a place called Cooters that wasn't a strip club or seedy bar (it was probably a family restaurant or something). I'm so sure that if I registered a chain of family-run day cares as Wang Dingleberries, no one would bat an eye. Meanwhile, back in Canada, you'd have a million police at your house questioning you for 48 hours until your lawyer showed up. So to every Canadian wanting to open a bakery called Cooch McGoochins or a bar called Butterface Rugburn or a roller rink called Sting Ring, then switch your citizenship to American and watch all your dreams come true!


alex davey said...

amazing post. the kraft factory would be a NIGHTMARE to work for.
do a post on what you actually bought. (common get real you probably brought home worse stuff TROOF)

R.J. said...

I love your American food posts!!! I also love how American products have happy made-up adjectives like 'cookie doughlicious!'. Does anyone fall for that? I would def eat a pumpkin pie Pop-Tart.

shark dog said...

I tried the Coffee Mate Caramel Machiatto, because it was on sale at my grocery store after I read this...it is delicious.
Also, I can remember living in Mexico and driving to Texas to buy the secret pop popcorn, it used to be a surprise as to what colour you got when it popped! lol

Anonymous said...

You are so funny. And even better you're half Polish... I think this is probably why you're hilarious. Anyway please take this wonderful sense of humor to a comedy club because we need a Canadian Ellen! Go do it now!

Anonymous said...

No offense, but your kind of a bitch. Stay in Canada with me, not with 'The Fattiez'

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