I get emails from terrific people

Since starting this blog too many damn years ago, I have been on the receiving end of a couple hundred amazing emails from strangers and, major truth, I fucking love it. Sometimes the emails are really positive and cool and neat. I have personal emails from a couple of my heroes (the best being from Michael K which, seriously, I will NEVER DELETE no matter what. Oooh, that sounded like some Misery shit. Michael K, you in danger, girl). But above all, it just makes it feel like writing a blog isn't a total waste of time (cue the sound of a hundred eyes rolling).

When I'm not getting good emails, I'm getting boatloads of spam. But under all that spam, there are several brutal emails from people that I just cannot ever delete because they are too awesome. Here's the thing about hate mail: it's just so precious. It takes a lot to sit down at a computer and finely craft a scathing, acidic letter to someone. I appreciate that, because it's way too easy to just anonymously write "ur a fucking looser" in the comments section of a post. You have to really dislike someone to write a letter. So anyways, I got this gem in my in-box this afternoon. Have a look:

(It goes without saying, but you'll need to click on the emails below in order to make them big enough to read)

So yeah. That exists. Since I'm lazy and have no quality of life, I have no problem publishing people's emails they've sent. I mean, I'm not a totally hateful dickhead, so I at least blurred out his email address (I think that secured my spot in heaven). I'm still unsure as to why this person (let's pretend it's a dude for argument's sake) felt like they needed to write me this email, but they did, so let's discuss. Here's what I took from it:

1. This email came from a very cool person. They're doing a cocaine study. Allow me to go ahead and guess the outcome of this study: Cocaine makes people act like obnoxious shitheads. There you go, I just saved you a bunch of time and money.

2. They think I should learn to cook (or at least stop being so lazy). Well, I can't argue with that; I am incredibly lazy and I can't cook for shit. Last night I had spaghetti and Trix cereal for dinner.

3. "Kinda funny"? Hell, I would have also accepted barely funny, marginally funny, and funny if you just spent the afternoon painting an enclosed space.

4. This person thinks that if I "comment on the normally commentless" (not a word, but whatever) or "crack an egg" it will improve my quality of life and/or increase my stock as a woman. I'm sure that may be correct somewhere, but for now I'm resting on the fact that I have a terrific ass.

5. You found my blog because you were trying to find out if Ryan Gosling was on Breaker High? Here, let me IMDB that for you...

6. I don't understand the first PS

7. I definitely don't understand the second PS

All this left me with a head full of confusion, so I wrote back this:

Sorry guy! Wish I could help you work through your problems, but I have no idea what the fuck you were trying to tell me with that email. Thanks for writing!

1 comment:

Alice said...

Ha ha, so much vitriol for Ryan Gosling. I find it hilarious that some people vehemently HATE a particular celebrity. Really? I'm sure Ryan Gosling is crushed, crying himself to sleep on his huge pillow!