9.02.2011

New Strip Club Ideas

It was last weekend that I was at my local DVD rental (I'm pretty sure that it's me and about 9 elderly people keeping that place open) when I saw the box for Twin Peaks and thought "that would be an amazing name for a strip club". Then it got me thinking: how awesome would it be to go to a Twin Peaks-themed strip club?? Then my mind started really working overtime when I thought about how awesome it would be to WORK at a Twin Peaks-themed strip club (I CALL LOG LADY!!) That's something I've never understood; why are strip clubs all total rape dens like the Bada-Bing from The Sopranos and not cool places? Oh right, because dudes don't need fun snacks or dance routines; they want boobs and filthy R&B and 7" lucite heels. And women don't need costume changes or interesting lighting; they want penis-shaped straws and oily buff guys asking them to do body shots out of their belly buttons.

But moving on. I started thinking of more themed strip club ideas, and this is what I've come up with (and a few terrible, terrible ideas at the end):

TWIN PEAKS
In the event David Lynch gets pissed about trademark infringement or misuse of property and makes you change the name, you could do something punny like Twin Peeks (which, let's face it, just sounds adorable). This would probably a mens club where all the dancers are girls, but I think the DJ should be a dude and he should look like The Man From Another Place (complete with announcing the dancers in backwards-speak). I thought that all the dancing should be to Julee Cruise, but I reconsidered once I faced facts that "Falling" is a super depressing song and guys don't go to strip clubs to be bummed out, so Twin Peaks-appropriate songs might be the most difficult wrench in this plan.

RUDE DUDES
Alternate title: Lewd Dudes (let's leave something to the imagination, shall we?) Rude Dudes would be a womens club and the whole idea is that the guys would be as rude (or lewd) as possible. Let's be honest for a second, ladies: we love assholes. Why not make a strip club where all the guys are just total degenerates: constantly scratching themselves, burping on stage, no one is waxed up like a Ken Doll, the dancers quit mid-song and go "yeah, I'm done. Thanks gals!" I mean, how awesome would it be if one of the dancers came up to your table and said "Hey girl, you wanna grab me a beer? Just kidding, what can I get you and how long would you like me to stir it with my wang?"
PS: I have been to a strip club wherein I saw many drinks stirred with penises and the women were so excited and like "OMG! YEAH! STIR MY DRINK MORE! LOL!!" I was SO APPALLED! I mean, ladies, it's still a penis - pee comes out of it.

JIMINY CRICKETS
Everything would be huge and wooden and would look like you're a tiny cricket in a massive, old fashioned woodshop. Maybe this could also be Pinocchio themed? Is that weird though? I mean, I'd think it would be more puppet/marionette-based and not so 'old single dude creates a young boy to hang out with' which is...pretty much asking to be shut down by the Decency Police. I don't know who would get more of a kick out of this: straight dudes, straight girls, or gay dudes. But I feel like the terms "I wanna be a real boy someday!" and "This room is filled with wood!" lend themselves best to gay dudes.

G STRINGS
Why don't we just turn all the Hard Rock Cafes of the world into strip clubs. I mean, does anyone actually go there to eat? I'm sure that some of them are profitable (Hard Rock Cafe New York) but others must be just a couple of comped chicken finger meals away from Chapter 11. Let's turn half of them into G Strings at the Hard Rock and see what happens. Also, did your mind just automatically turn that into G Strings at the Hard Cock like mine did? I know, we're terrible.

NORTHER EXXXPOSURE
This would be an Alaskan themed strip club. There would be lots of taxidermy animals and plaid and all the drinks would be themed (The Sawed-Off Shotgun, The High School Dropout, The Drunk Snowmobile). This could be a cool way to incorporate a mixed club: you'd have girls only wearing parkas for the guys, hot fish-out-of-water Jewish doctors for the girls. I feel like that without the boobs and wangs, this could also be an awesome bar to hang out in. Can someone make me a Northern Exposure-themed bar?

ASS-ASS-INS
This could go one of two ways, depending on how you interpret the word 'assassin'.
1. Cold contract killers, usually Russian. Murder without mercy. This could be okay, but it's a little too close to having a James Bond-themed strip club, which is sort of lame (right?)
2. The people who loaded up their old timey pistols with gun powder and shot Jesse James and Lincoln and Franz Ferdinand. I feel that this would only appeal to Civil War re-creationists and people who watch PBS, and I don't know how often those type of people go to strip clubs, so this idea might be a waste of money.

Here are the ideas that I don't think would ever get off the ground:

NUT HUGGERS
Male strippers that hug you. Ew wait, I don't want that.

THE BUTTHOLE
This sounds like more of a gay club, and I'm sure if I Googled "The Butthole" I'd find something, but I'm not so sure I want that in my search history.

WOODSTOCK-Y
A 60's themed strip club with all overweight strippers. Actually, find the right customers, and this could be a money maker.

THE PUSSY ROOM
This would be a strip club that also allowed cats to meander up on stage and around the bar. Eventually one would piss on the carpet, and you can never get that smell out, so you'd be spending so much money on steam cleaning.

DOUCHEBAGZ
I thought it might be funny to have some kind of Jersey Shore/trash themed strip club where everyone was super orange and roided up like crazy, but again - isn't that like 99.9% of strip clubs already?

THE EARLY BIRD
All the strippers would wear grey wigs and would dance with walkers and canes and would constantly ask for the music to be turned up and would offer people hard candies. This idea is just weird and a little disturbing.

7 comments:

Susan said...

This is just TOO fuckin' funny!

sleepless in seatle said...

I think there was a place called the Pussy Room. I heard it got shut down after some of the strippers were caught giving Rum Tum Tuggers.

SJM said...

So sorry to burst your bubble, but a restaurant chain has already taken the Twin Peaks idea. It is like a Hooters, but the ladies are dressed more in the Northern Exposure idea - plaid shirts (if you can call them that b/c they are more like plaid bras worn as shirts), tall socks, and khaki shorts/panties that look like shorts. It's not technically a strip club, but unfortunately, you were not the first to think about bastardizing DL's show to refer to boobs. And it is spelled just like the show, so perhaps Mr. Lynch is just as immature and pervy.

SJM said...

We (here in Texas where the slutty restaurants are apparently big business) also have a boobie eatery called Bikinis, where they wear bikinis b/c there was zero thought in any sort of theme there. On top of that, we have Bone Daddy's, where they just look like plain, old sluts. It's advertised as "Beer, BBQ, and Daddy's Girls," but it's really more for rapists that like to eat ribs.

Alice said...

Hahahah SJM! One more reason to visit Texas someday!

I would PAY MONEY to attend a Monty Python themed strip club. It would have to be really weird inside though (like walking through a Terry Gillam illustration) and nothing should make sense. It could have naked ladies or men, I'm not picky.

Alice said...

It would, of course, be called "Monty's Python".

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