10.31.2011

What's it like to celebrate Hallowe'en with kids?

So, tonight is one of my favourite days of the year. I spent two nights this weekend in a home-made squirrel costume, watched 6 Treehouse of Horrors, made both pumpkin and spiderweb cupcakes for work, ate tons of pumpkin and caramel flavoured-things, and have gorged myself on candy (and it's only Monday morning). Tonight I'll eat pizza and watch John Carpenter's Halloween and fall asleep to The Shining. So excited. But my night might be much more different from yours if you have kids. Since I don't have any kids (that I know of! Hey-o! Wait, that jokes doesn't make sense if you're a girl...) I don't know what it's like to get excited with your kids, hand out candy, carve a pumpkin you'll be terrified will end up smashed against your house, the constant fear that teenagers will egg your car, and the inevitable sorting of candy from possible razor-blade-laced apples when your kid dumps their pillowcase of treats all over the floor. So I thought I'd ask someone with kids what it's like. When I was growing up, my best friend Marina lived down the street from me and her parents loved Hallowe'en as much as mine did. She moved way up north when we were 10 and I haven't seen her since (unless Facebook counts). But she is a regular reader/commented of The Skip-Raid, and she's got a good sense of humor, so I thought I'd ask her what it's like to celebrate Hallowe'en with children. Marina and her husband have two kids: Randy, who's in school, and Nala who is 3. We chatted over email about what her kids will be dressed up as, who gives out the candy, babies with goiters, and one of our old neighbors who might be in prison or dead. Let's learn about Hallowe'en, shall we?!?

1. What are your kids going as for Halloween?
Randy wants to be Mario, but it’s near impossible to find overalls for him, and Nala is going to be a pirate.

2. If they had no say in it whatsoever, and you didn't have to worry about judgey mommies, what would you dress them as?
Hmm... that’s hard. I really pushed for Randy to be Inspector Gadget but I couldn't get him to go for it. I had it planned so well in my head. I also tried to talk him into this ridiculous looking Pikachu costume, but he wouldn't go for that either!

3. What's Halloween like in your neighborhood?

KIDS EVERYWHERE. And they don't even friggin say trick or treat anymore so when they don't we just open the door and give them blank stares... its awesome

4. Do you guys carve pumpkins?

Yes!

5. Do you make pumpkin seeds in the oven? Do your kids eat them? I used to annihilate those when my dad made them.

Yes, I make 2 kinds though, seasoning salt, and then seasoning salt mixed with chili powder, it's really good. One year I burnt them though so that was a bummer, and it also sucks when you hardly get any seeds out of a pumpkin!

6. What kind of candy do you guys give out?
Usually chocolate and those Maynard candy thingies, like sour patch kids and Swedish berries. And then a bag of live saver suckers or something

7. Who stays home and who takes the kids out?
We used to do one side of the street each, but now I make him do the walking and I hunker down at the end of my driveway with blankets and tea.

8. When they bring home their candy, what's the weirdest/lamest stuff they've ever gotten?
Peanuts in the shell... no one wants that! Oh and he did get a fortune cookie one time too. My neighbor gives out glow sticks, which are maybe lame to older kids, but the smaller ones love it. Last year some lady contacted the online newspaper in our city and reported after eating a candy from our neighborhood she was foaming at the mouth. That was freaky, until police investigated and it had nothing to do with the candy she ate. I guess she was just foaming.

9. Do you ever take out the crap and give it out to other kids? My dad used to do that. I feel like kids knew that by 8pm, my house was exclusively giving out small shitty gumballs.
HAHAH yes! One year though, when we just moved here, my husband panicked about it, ran to the corner store and got full sized chocolate bars and those airhead candy things... and we got like 2 kids after that. And he got Oh Henry bars, and I don't even like those, so it was stupid.

10. You let the kids keep the cans of pop?
Yeah, why wouldn't I? Now you have me thinking about it!

11. Do kids still do Unicef?
I've only seen one kid with a box.

12. Do you keep money out for Unicef, or do you just tell them you do don't that stuff?

I'd give it I guess, depending on the looks of the kid. Haha, that’s terrible, but really I would. I remember people used to have a candy dish, and a penny dish at the door!

13. How do you decorate your house: super scary or just theme-y?

Theme-y

14. Is there is a house in the neighborhood that does it up really crazy?

Not in this neighborhood, but the neighborhood I grew up in there was a man who went all out, until teenagers ruined it one too many times and he got mad and never did it again.

15. Do you remember the Hallowe'en that we were trick or treating together (this is going waaaay back) and there was that house around the corner from yours that was the same model as your house (it was right near Brandon Rozer - holy shit, remember him? I think he's dead or in jail now) and their dad used to answer the door dressed like Frankenstein? I totally lost my shit. I think Amber was there too. Like, I remember freaking the fuck out and just running.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA yessssss! OMG, well first of all, Brandon Rozer - I do remember and I used to have him on Facebook. The ONLY reason I remember him, is because I believe that my first time hearing a racist comment was from him. He said, "My dad says all Germans have square heads." And I pictured that FOREVER. I bring it up probably once a month. He also told everyone his middle name was Rad. As for Frankenstein, I believe the one kids name was also Randy, and he had a lisp. Not sure if its the right house but I do remember being terrified of the Frankenstein man. Oh, remember that guy Kade who lived behind you almost and got stung in the neck by a bee so that Ellen woman who had the baby with a hernia stuck half an onion on it? Hahaha I hope you do. That Ellen woman was crazy by the way.
*Note from The Mayor: the Frankenstein dad wasn’t Randy-with-a-lisp’s Dad, it was someone else. But I will mention that I had a major crush on Randy-with-a-lisp when I was 7. Oh, and it wasn't just a lisp, it was also a crazy speech impediment. What? Exactly.

16. Tell me about some of your Halloween costumes from when you were a kid.
Ok, That is a huge difference from me to my kids. I buy my kids their costumes. The majority of mine were made by my mom, and she would make all 3 of ours! I have been a witch, clown, bride, baby (ew) scarecrow, hiker (?) umm... I can't remember any good ones that I was. My sister had good ones, like Tasmanian devil, ninja turtles and Simba.

17. You have cats, right?

Gizmo and Soup are the kitties.

18. Do you dress up the cats?

I tried one year to make Soupy a Tinkerbell costume but she hated it and the wings wouldn't stay straight when she walked

19. Do your kids just lose it when they get all their candy home? Do you have a hard time putting them to bed?

They go to bed ok, and don't really lose it the way I remember being insane. I sorted it all by type and sat there all goo goo eyed. Maybe they will get that this year? Although Randy caught Nala eating rockets the other day from last Halloween that she found in the cupboard and absolutely went bat shit crazy about how he was saving it because it was "lucky candy."

20. Do you enforce the winter coat rule, or do you let them walk around in their costumes, the whole while they're promising you they're "not cold at all".
Yeah, they usually wear snowpants, hat, mitts and coats. It’s freezing out there!

21. Where do you buy your Halloween candy?
Usually Walmart in Michigan, the have better stuff and its not 50 dollars for 5 candies. I hate how expensive it is!

22. What's your favourite sandwich?
CLUB!!! I tried a Ruben last time I was in Michigan and it was SO bad! I also got a chicken fried steak and that was weird too.

10.25.2011

Shitty Sexy Hallowe'en Costume Bonanza!!

If Hallowe'en was a science experiment, the one constant would be that sluts absolutely go crazy for it. Every year on the last Saturday in October, sluts 'round the world take part in a ritual as old as time (or at least the mid-90s) wherein only the vagina and nipples of one's body are covered by items that only vaguely remind the wearer of a specific idea. Creativity be dammned; on the eve of Slutoween, anything is a considered a costume. Orange bra and booty shorts? You're a traffic cone. Long black tank-top? You're a nun. Panties and black rimmed glasses? You're a nerd.

On Jezebel.com this week, they had an article about alternatives to the "sexy" costume for women. The message was pretty easy to understand: Hey ladies! You don't need to go as something slutty! Here are some creative costumes that people will think are really cool (even if they're sort of boring, like Amelia Earhart and shit). Of course, every single comment was like "OMG guys!! Sexy costumes are soooo demeaning! All they do is objectify women! This year I'm going as a sexy toaster as a joke!" But it's like, um what? You're still going as something "sexy", even if it's arbitrary and tongue-in-cheek. There were a million "I'm dressing up as Sexy Abraham Lincoln!!!" Yeah, har har, you're a genius.

I've written about slutty, trashy Hallowe'en costumes before, and this year I think women have managed to out-slut themselves. Here we go - the skankiest, stupidiest, shittiest costumes you're bound to see staggering home drunk at 3am on October 29th.


Sexy Candyland Pop Singer (aka Katy Perry)
If there's one thing I hate, it's dressing up as popular singers for Halloween. Remember two years ago when EVERYBODY was Lady Gaga? It's just the most obvious and typical. Plus, everyone knows who you are, so it's not that clever (look, if my Grandmother sees you out of the corner of her bad eye and knows you're the "young lady who sings that California Squirrels song", then you didn't work hard enough at a good costume).


Sexy Katy Perry rip-off No. 2
Again with the Katy Perry costumes. Look, her stage persona is campy and skanky on purpose; to dress up like Katy Perry is to say "I am dressed up as someone who makes millions of dollars shooting whipped cream out of their boobs". Speaking of which...


Sexy Katy Perry rip-off No. 3
I will admit: for a slutty costume, this one is pretty good. It's just straight-up skanky. There's nothing coy or cutesy about this. This is underwear with whipped cream titties. The only reason this loses massive points is because you will no doubt have to walk around holding up the canisters all night long and forego your use of hands ("OMG how will i do shots?!?!")


Sexy...uh...The Bomb (?)
So, what - you're Sexy Outdated Slang? Next year you should go as The Hand ("Hey boy! Talk to me! Get it?! BUY ME SHOTS!!") Also, who but white 40-year-old Bros said 'the bomb'? Wasn't it da bomb? EW, WHO EVER SAID DA BOMB?!?! (Maybe Sisqo?)
Final thought: This costume makes you look like you're wearing a giant, shit-filled trashbag diaper.


Sexy Wet T-Shirt Contestant
Oh wow, this is...classy and demure; I'm sure you're parents would be very proud. This is one of those costumes where I think "Honestly, there's not much between this and topless, and topless is Free. You paid too much".


Sexy Trophy Wife
The only person who chooses this costume is one who's husband has banged so many secretaries his dick smells like photocopier toner.


Sexy Blow Up Doll
Whoa! Hey now! This is more disturbing than it needs to be. It looks like a cross between a traditional Sexy costume and the pig-faced doctors from The Twilight Zone.


Sexy Pinocchio
The Pinocchio costume only works for guys (well, frat guys and guys who have suffered from head injuries) because they can make tons of stupid wood-themed double-entendres and jokes about "why don't you sit on my nose and I'll tell you a bunch of lies" jokes. Ugh. I am really glad I'm not friends with people like that (Who? Andrew Dice Clay?) Also, is there anything less sexy about those shoes? They look like dinner rolls.


Sexy Where's Waldo?
The first time this was done, it was funny. The second time this was done, it was charming. The 17,824th time this was done, it was fucking DONE TO DEATH.


Sexy RoboCop
Nothing about this is sexy. Well, okay, maybe the stripper heels, but everything else about this is just super weird and doesn't make a lick of sense. How is she RoboCop? Was there ever a Lady RoboCop (RoboParkingEnforcement?) I would just absolutely love to know what kind of woman chooses this costume, and then have her tested to see what kind of rare neurological disorder she has.


Sexy Rosie, the Jetson's robot maid
OMG YOU'RE CARRYING HER DECAPITATED HEAD AROUND AS A PURSE.


Sexy Shrek's Wife
This makes little sense to me, because why wouldn't you just go as a sexy viking or sexy warrior? Why does it also have to be Shrek-themed? What kind of boring sad-sack loves both Shrek and being sexy so much that they want to work it into a Hallowe'en costume? I don't get people.


Sexy Marvin the Martian
Know who would love this costume? Dudes from 1994. Remember when everyone wore thugged-out Warner Brothers t-shirts? There are pictures of me, circa 1995, wearing a t-shirt with Bugs, Daffy, and Taz G'd up from the feet up (and then pictures of them in reverse on the back of the shirt) floating around on the internet somewhere. But that doesn't mean that 15 years later I'd be really into dressing up like a Marvin the Martian stripper.


Sexy Jason Voorhees
This looks more like a Linebacker for the Friday the 13th-themed football team. The model for this also looks like a serial killer version of Kim Kardashian. I'm so confused by what's going on here. Why would Jason wear a jersey with his face on it? Why isn't her face weird and mangled underneath the mask? When did Jason get such beautiful hair? Look, the only people who should be allowed to dress up as Jason are 13-year-old boys who just watched the movie for the first time last summer. Case closed.


Sexy Michael Myers
More like Sexy Disco Myers, amirite? What in the name of cameltoe hell is going on here? Here's the thing about serial killer costumes and women: Ladies who are REALLY into serial killers/horror movies will go to great lengths to cosplay the shit out of their costume. You will swear you're looking at the REAL Leatherface or the REAL Captain Spaulding. Never would they buy a cheap-looking polyester jumpsuit and go as "That, like, scary guy from that Halloween movie.". You know who's going to hit on you while you're wearing this? Total weirdos.


Sexy Chucky
Jesus Christ, Bride of Chucky has a jokey sexy character in it already, so why would you go as Sexy Chucky?? Go as Jennifer Tilly as Tiffany!! Come on, the movie is practically handing you an overtly-sexy costume, and you choose to sex-up the little boy doll instead? WTF?


Sexy Green Hornet
What's worse that going as Sexy Green Hornet?


...going as Sexy Sidekick Kato.


Sexy (or regular?) Lady Gaga
Please. Please just let this costume die. Know what this costume is? It's your kid 20 years in the future going "OMG one year my mom dressed up as Lady Gaga!" and every other kid in the class goes "Mine too."


Sexy Scarecrow
How close do you have to stand to the microwave in order to be so brain-dead that this is the best you could come up with? No, I'm serious. Like, 2 inches away? 1 inch away? "I'm old clothes that a farmer stuffs with hay and sets up in the field to scare away birds...but also sexy."


Sexy Mrs. Potato Head
Mrs. Potato Head, by nature, is a very rotund large woman. For all extensive purposes, we can also say it's a characteristic of her relationship as well; both her and her husband are persons of larger carriage. So why is this one so skinny? I would never go as Sexy Biggest Loser Contestant or Sexy Gabourey Sidibe; it doesn't make sense. Also, imagine dressing up like this and meeting someone who grew up in like, The Sudan or something, wh never played with Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head? Imagine explaining that to them? "Well, okay, so it's a potato, and you have eyes and noses and mouths and stuff and you stick them into the potato, and then you have a person? But the person looks like they have a potato for a head? Oh fuck it, WHO WANTS TO BUY MEEEE REDBULL SHOTS!?!?!"


Sexy 1980s...Person...?
Are we not done with 80s nostalgia yet? I mean, I remember 10 years ago when 80s nostalgia was massive. I'm not above it; I thought Oingo Boingo was amazing and I totally died over mismatched earrings. But now that I'm not 19 years old anymore, and way more jaded and negative, I can realize that the 80s were just dreadful. What was I trying to get at again? Oh yeah, this was my round-about way of saying that no one ever dressed like this in the 80s. No one. This is like what Disney World will dress animatronics up like on the Rockin' Retro Regan ride (opening Summer 2046). I really love the t-shirt though; nothing says "ambiguous costume" like having to wear a giant clue on your shirt. And really, if you're going to go as a lady who loves the 80s, go as the original.


Sexy Penthouse Magazine Cover
And finally, we have the sluttiest of the sluttiest, the lamest of the lame, and the laziest costume made for skanks you've ever seen. Drumroll please: you're going out for Hallowe'en dressed as a publication used for wanking! That's it. You're dressed as masturbation. You're porn. Look, I'm no Prudie Judy, but this is straight up sad. How many levels below ground floor does your self-esteem-elevator need to plummet before you look yourself in the mirror and say "This year I'm going as jerk-off material"? There's nothing coy about this either; you are literally a magazine that dudes beat off to. All ranting aside though, wtf is with the pants? In the picture, she's bottomless, but then a crotch with legs in yoga pants are there? This is some weird David Lynch/Twin Peaks shit. The Girl from Another Place with Two Crotches. Shouldn't she be nude on the bottom? Or just like, always sitting down or something? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! Look lady, next year save yourself $40 (plus $15.95 for shipping and handling), wear your underwear (it's fine, it's Hallowe'en, no one will notice) get guys numbers at a party, and send them pics of your crootch. There! Your costume is Sexy Sexting, and you didn't spend a dime. You're welcome.

10.21.2011

Crappy Halloween Costumes

You know that every year I write about Hallowe'en costumes, and this year will be no exception. I might do baby costumes, or I might talk about shitty pet costumes, but I'll probably just go safe and make fun of slutty costumes. However, one thing I won't be talking about is shitty knock-off costumes. Why? Because my internet-blogger-bestie over at MommyBogYay already wrote an incredible post about crappy copyright-infringey store-bought costumes and I urge you to read it. Very funny, very clever, and not a poo-joke or an F-word to be found (sometimes I feel like you deserve better than that).

10.17.2011

I cannot believe I have never written about Hallowe'en candy

Look, let me first start by saying that I don't feel comfortable making fun of children. We've all had out moments where we're criminally lame and embarrassing (Ref: Myself, ages 3 through 23) so there's no reason to be critical of a child; they don't know any better. So I'll keep this comment short and to the point: what the hell is this kid supposed to be dressed up as? A Christian? The visual representation of a client meeting? Is he Microsoft PowerPoint? (He's Christian PowerPoint, right?) I found this image by Googling Kid with Halloween Candy; parents, don't put pictures of your kids on the internet. 10 minutes in Photoshop and I could turn this into a meme. Moving on.

My birthday is on October 12th, and its position in the middle of the month heralds in several fun, important dates.
1. Right after my birthday I know I have a little more than 2 weeks till Hallowe'en
2. The day after Hallowe'en, stores start putting out Christmas things and TV starts showing Christmas commercials
3. The middle of November is American Thanksgiving, which means that Christmas is just around the corner
4. December 1st happens and all I do is watch Home Alone and Christmas Vacation all day long.

Well, that makes me sound like the coolest ever. Anyways, right after my birthday I sat back and started thinking about Hallowe'en. How many pumpkins would I put out on my office desk? How much candy corn will I eat? What will I dress up as? And with that, I realized that after almost 5 years of writing about both Hallowe'en and candy on this blog, I have never EVER written about Hallowe'en candy. That seems weird to me. So, without further boring exposition, here is a breakdown of my all-time favourite Hallowe'en candy, and the shit I used to throw into the sewer before I'd get home.

MY FAVOURITES!

Large candy bars
Obviously, this isn't common. You'd be lucky to get one large candy bar, maybe two if luck was on your side and you hit up the rich houses before they ran out. Large candy bars were usually cut up by my parents and split between everyone in the kitchen.

Mini candy bars
One thing I've noticed about the miniature, or 'treat-sized', candy bars in the USA is that they're much smaller than the ones in Canada. This is a good thing if the house you're going to gives you a small handful, but chances are you're going to get one (8-year-old me says: "Fuck...what a gyp!")

Caramel squares
I know a lot of people who will classify this candy as the type that gets thrown out, but I used to straight-up covet caramel squares. I would sneak them and eat them in my room, since their wrapper is so small and clear, it was easy to hide the evidence.

Starburst
I enjoyed receiving starbursts because they usually came 2 to a pack. Although the cheap parents used to rip open the packages and just give you a single wrapped candy. Um, I'm sorry, but if money's that tough for you guys, maybe you should consider turning off the lights and not celebrating Halloween (oh fuck, that was unnecessarily bitchy).

Candy Corn
It's not that bad.

Hallowe'en Kisses (molasses candies)
I didn't much care for these as a kid, but now? Holy shit, I luuuurve thems!!!

Bags of Ketchup chips
The odd time you'd get a very small bag of ketchup chips. I have no idea where the people bought them, because up until like, 2005, you couldn't get very small Halloween-sized bags of chips. So I'd eat them, but I would just have no clue how this person came into 100 small tiny bags of ketchup chips that didn't exist outside of Halloween.


"EWWW, TAKE IT BACK" AKA THE WORST

Cans of pop
I used to hate cans of pop for two reasons:
1. I didn't like Coke, and it was ALWAYS Coke
1.a. If you went to a broke-ass house, then it was RC Cola or No Name Cola-like Soda
2. They were too heavy and used to weigh down your pillowcase

Apples
After all that "they hide razor blades and child molesters in apples" talk that you're taught in school, who the fuck would be dumb enough to hand out apples? Plus, it's the holiday where you give CANDY TO CHILDREN. Kids get enough apples the other 364 days of the year.

Home-made cookies/candy apples/bags of loose candy
My mom used to give homemade treats to the neighborhood kids that knew her, so that's like - 5 or something. The rest of the kids got pre-packaged candy. My mom was smart. She knew that if she gave Spoooooky Rice Krispy Treats to a bunch of strange kids, they'd just end up in the garbage.

Single gumballs
WHO THE FUCK IS SO CHEAP THEY GIVE A CHILD ONE SINGLE CELLO-WRAPPED GUMBALL?!?!

Bags of Rippled chips
Is there anything grosser? Rippled chips remind me of seniors, crappy parties, Costco, and the chip that's always left over when you put out 4 kinds. Kids don't want this. They want full-sized chocolate bars, athankyou.

10.13.2011

Hey boy, can I holla at you? Let me holla at you.

The other day, I was perusing the celebrity gossip blogs (I make it seem like I just stumbled upon them. As to the if) and I saw this delicious piece of headline pie:

Someone get me an extra-strength parasol, because the sun is blinding me from where THE HEAVENS HAVE OPENED ABOVE!!! I have been chasing this chubby like a chubby chaser chases a chub like nobody's business. I practically made it my job. I was like Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, except instead of making a contraption that shoots my gun from my forearm to my hand, I made one that shot Jimmy Dean-brand pancake-wrapped-sausages. I'd stand in the mirror, like "You want tacos? You want a family pack of tacos? I don't see any other fat, 27-year-old dudes who starred in Superbad. You want tacos?" and then in my dream, he'd be like "Yes, I want the fucking tacos! Marry me so we can eat a shitload of seasoned ground beef stuffed into corn or flour tortillas!" And you know what? I wouldn't worry about getting south-of-the-border sick around Jonah Hill either, because I bet he would be a total gentleman (WHERE AM I GETTING THIS FROM?)

When I saw that there was the possibility of him dumping that waffle-digging trick, I won't lie: I got happy. Christmas morning happy. I shouldn't, of course, because when the hell would I ever EVER be at the right place/right time to meet Jonah Hill, let alone seduce him with gravy? (Chicken or Beef, his choice). The reason I got so happy was because the headline chooses to mention that he gained a shitload of weight AND THEN dumped his girlfriend. Like, he was only keeping her around till he got skinnay, and then he boom-bitch-bye'd her like a previously-viewed blu-ray copy of Cyrus at Blockbuster. Yeah, sorry, but have you seen Jonah Hill since he lost 40 lbs? That is some scary Christian Bale shit, people! It's not like he lost the weight, tossed off some nerd glasses, let his hair down and the captain of the football team was like "Wow. Please go to the prom with me." It's like he made a deal with the Devil and lost the weight with the help of some Dorian Grey reverse-aging painting, except he got so weird and scary looking, kind of like his face is trying to escape off his head, and then there's a M. Night Shyamalan-twist when you find out that Jonah Hill IS the painting! And that's why he's so gross looking now! And the painting has just gotten more handsome?! Fuck, did I just describe a retro Twilight Zone episode? Back on topic...it's not as if Hill became this super hottie and was like "Oh fuck, girls want to have sex with me now, not just because I'm famous, but because I'm attractive!" That will NEVER happen. No one will ever utter the words "I don't care if Jonah Hill worked at Footlocker and shared an apartment with his mother, I'd still totally bang him" because that sentence does NOT exist in the English language.

So Jonah, just accept the fact that you're meant to be a fatty. I have! In fact, I'll embrace it. If you date me, I'll find fat stores with cool clothes and help you dress cool (I keep saying cool because I imagine that at 300+ lbs, you must sweat a lot) and I won't encourage you to work out or be fit or have more energy or "be active". You'll never ride a bike or hike a hill or use the stairs, and there won't be a couch too comfortable for your fat fat ass. I'll take care of you boo. I'll take care of you till heart disease "takes care of you" and I got to drop 9 Gs on a supersized casket.

10.11.2011

Stories like this bum me out.

I can't even write a proper sentence about this article, so I'll sum up my feelings in one word: QUITTER

10.05.2011

How old is too old for saddle shoes?


I know, it's a weird question, but it needs to be asked. For more than two months now I have had my heart set on a pair of white and black leather Bass saddle shoes, and today I think I'm finally going to buy them. I'm like Wayne in the music store when he wants to buy the guitar ("Oh yes, it will be mine"). But then I caught my breath and thought for a second: "Bitch, you be too dayum old for this foolery". Wait, am I? When did I get too old for stuff? I mean, sure, I'm almost 30 years old (holy fuck, typing that out made me crap a little) but surely I'm not too old for saddle shoes. I would say that the cut-off date for 1950s teenybopper footwear would be 40, but then again, it won't be till I'm out wearing them on the street and some stranger walks by me and utters something totally bogus and assholey, and I totally re-think my life choices.

I can sum up my personal style with one mantra: If you can't do Hot, do Cute. I, for instance, could not do 'hot' to save my life. I'm very tall with strong features and I look friendly. I laugh too much and say gross things. For me, hot is something uncomfortable that involves a flat stomach and drinking strong drinks and knowing how to look cool while smoking. So while I can't do hot, I can work the shit out of cute. Nobody looks more adorable in party shoes and polka-dot tights and bright pink lipstick and 60s dresses. Does it have a bow on it? Good, give it to me and attach 8 more bows. Does it have a collar? Does it have an adorable print on it? Does it look like candy or flowers or rainbows or cats? Geev to meee. So keep this in mind as you read the following, otherwise you're going to be thinking to yourself: "well why the hell is she wearing this stuff to begin with??" With that, I ask you: Am I too old for this shit?

Pigtails/Ponytails
Sarah Silverman is, without question, the patron saint of pigtails. How old is she, like a million? She can still pull it off. But again, the question is...until when can she pull it off? The thing I always think of when I put my hair in pigtails like this is Tig Notaro's line from The Sarah Silverman Program when Big S is doing something obnoxious and she goes "That's going to be so cute when she's 40". I'm always like "Holy crap, that could be said about me! I'm not that far off from 40! Oh god, someone please hit me with their car and make it look like an accident."
So am I too old for pigtails/ponytails? There's no debate: I look super adorable in pigtails. But should I be wearing them to my office? Probably not. I'm going to say I really only have about 5 more years before it looks weird.

Big plastic rings
I have a collection of necklaces that are so ostentatious and gaudy, they'd make Nicki Minaj jealous, but when it comes to rings, I have two pieces I wear all the time. The first is a small gold band with a tiny diamond chip that I bought myself (in no way did I buy it in a Waiting to Exhale "I don't need no man to make me happy! I'm mah own woman! I buy mah own rangs!"-way) and the other is a light blue plastic heart ring that came on a bottle of nail polish. I wear them almost every day. But once day I was at H&M with my friend and I came across a red plastic ring that was shaped like an apple. My friend was like "You NEED to get that. It's so you" and I was like "Really? Are plastic raver rings my thing? Is that how you'd define my style?" And obviously a few years ago I wouldn't have thought twice; I would have bought it. But again, I was like "I think I may be too old for plastic rings shaped like apples." I think maybe because it seems like something a Kindergarten teacher would do: wear tons of plastic, brightly-coloured jewelery to keep the attention of 20 four-year-olds.
So am I too old for big plastic rings? Not yet. For now I'm keeping them (and thinking about going to H&M on my lunch break to buy that apple ring).

Peter Pan shirt collars
I have a problem. I own this shirt and I wear it underneath EVERYTHING. I'm wearing it right now, as a matter of fact. And every single pay day, I think to myself "You should probably go buy another one of those shirts" even though - what's the point - I'm just going to keep wearing the white one until a) it turns gray from the wash or b) it turns yellow from sweat (OH SICK!) But I love it. I feel very 'me' in shirts with Peter Pan collars.
So am I too old for Peter Pan shirt collars? At the present time, no. I still look as cute as a button. But the minute I start to get wrinkles, I need to switch to pointy-collared shirts, or else I will look exactly like Better Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (is that so bad? Wait, don't answer that...)

Wacky nails
I have never mentioned this before, but I have another tumblr that is successful in its own right. And...it's a nail art blog. It's called Oh You Fansy, Nails? and you should probably take a look at it. If anything, it's further proof that I am completely mental and probably should get a CAT-Scan to determine how many brain cells I have left (spoiler alert: I watched an episode of Glee last night, so I'm going to guess I have two cells remaining). My best friend and I do our nails all the time and we're really good at it, but are we too old to be doing this kind of thing? I baby-sat my 8-year-old cousin a few weeks ago and she was ENAMORED with my nails, so that leads me to believe I might be getting too old for this. Then again, people older than me are super dupes impressed with my nails and don't give me that condescending look that says "you're such a special gem, aren't you?"
So am I too old for wacky nails? Hell no. They're my thing. I will never let these go.

Knee socks
In grade 7 I wore white knee socks to school and like 2 seconds after getting off the bus, two dumb sluts from my class (who I won't name....Cory and Ashley) told me I was wearing them wrong. Apparently I should have been wearing them over my knees. Um, no you dumb slags; I was wearing mine just under my knees because I was trying to look like Marcia Brady, not Cher from Clueless. That did not deter me from wearing knee socks all the dayum time (until winter, when I would graduate to tights all the dayum time). My legs aren't as skinny as they once were, so I'm walking a fine line between 'cute knee socks' and 'why are you wearing soccer socks with that dress?'
So am I too old for knee socks? I'm going to give myself a definitive 'yes' on this one. I think that the cut-off for knee socks is either 25 or 15 lbs, whichever comes first.

Colourful hair
As mentioned in a previous post, my hair is half blue. The other half is blonde and brown, which is really nice. Kind of like business on top, meth addiction on the bottom. I told myself I was going to keep this hair for the summer, and then cut it all off come fall, but here we are - October 5th - and there's no hair cut in sight. I actually really like my hair like this, but then again - it could just be because it's trendy. Get back to me a year from now and see what I have to say about it.
So am I too old for colourful hair? Probably. But until I look in the mirror and go "oh, gross!" I'm keeping it.