10.13.2011

Hey boy, can I holla at you? Let me holla at you.

The other day, I was perusing the celebrity gossip blogs (I make it seem like I just stumbled upon them. As to the if) and I saw this delicious piece of headline pie:

Someone get me an extra-strength parasol, because the sun is blinding me from where THE HEAVENS HAVE OPENED ABOVE!!! I have been chasing this chubby like a chubby chaser chases a chub like nobody's business. I practically made it my job. I was like Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, except instead of making a contraption that shoots my gun from my forearm to my hand, I made one that shot Jimmy Dean-brand pancake-wrapped-sausages. I'd stand in the mirror, like "You want tacos? You want a family pack of tacos? I don't see any other fat, 27-year-old dudes who starred in Superbad. You want tacos?" and then in my dream, he'd be like "Yes, I want the fucking tacos! Marry me so we can eat a shitload of seasoned ground beef stuffed into corn or flour tortillas!" And you know what? I wouldn't worry about getting south-of-the-border sick around Jonah Hill either, because I bet he would be a total gentleman (WHERE AM I GETTING THIS FROM?)

When I saw that there was the possibility of him dumping that waffle-digging trick, I won't lie: I got happy. Christmas morning happy. I shouldn't, of course, because when the hell would I ever EVER be at the right place/right time to meet Jonah Hill, let alone seduce him with gravy? (Chicken or Beef, his choice). The reason I got so happy was because the headline chooses to mention that he gained a shitload of weight AND THEN dumped his girlfriend. Like, he was only keeping her around till he got skinnay, and then he boom-bitch-bye'd her like a previously-viewed blu-ray copy of Cyrus at Blockbuster. Yeah, sorry, but have you seen Jonah Hill since he lost 40 lbs? That is some scary Christian Bale shit, people! It's not like he lost the weight, tossed off some nerd glasses, let his hair down and the captain of the football team was like "Wow. Please go to the prom with me." It's like he made a deal with the Devil and lost the weight with the help of some Dorian Grey reverse-aging painting, except he got so weird and scary looking, kind of like his face is trying to escape off his head, and then there's a M. Night Shyamalan-twist when you find out that Jonah Hill IS the painting! And that's why he's so gross looking now! And the painting has just gotten more handsome?! Fuck, did I just describe a retro Twilight Zone episode? Back on topic...it's not as if Hill became this super hottie and was like "Oh fuck, girls want to have sex with me now, not just because I'm famous, but because I'm attractive!" That will NEVER happen. No one will ever utter the words "I don't care if Jonah Hill worked at Footlocker and shared an apartment with his mother, I'd still totally bang him" because that sentence does NOT exist in the English language.

So Jonah, just accept the fact that you're meant to be a fatty. I have! In fact, I'll embrace it. If you date me, I'll find fat stores with cool clothes and help you dress cool (I keep saying cool because I imagine that at 300+ lbs, you must sweat a lot) and I won't encourage you to work out or be fit or have more energy or "be active". You'll never ride a bike or hike a hill or use the stairs, and there won't be a couch too comfortable for your fat fat ass. I'll take care of you boo. I'll take care of you till heart disease "takes care of you" and I got to drop 9 Gs on a supersized casket.

1 comment:

Melis16 said...

Love it Love it!