10.05.2011

How old is too old for saddle shoes?


I know, it's a weird question, but it needs to be asked. For more than two months now I have had my heart set on a pair of white and black leather Bass saddle shoes, and today I think I'm finally going to buy them. I'm like Wayne in the music store when he wants to buy the guitar ("Oh yes, it will be mine"). But then I caught my breath and thought for a second: "Bitch, you be too dayum old for this foolery". Wait, am I? When did I get too old for stuff? I mean, sure, I'm almost 30 years old (holy fuck, typing that out made me crap a little) but surely I'm not too old for saddle shoes. I would say that the cut-off date for 1950s teenybopper footwear would be 40, but then again, it won't be till I'm out wearing them on the street and some stranger walks by me and utters something totally bogus and assholey, and I totally re-think my life choices.

I can sum up my personal style with one mantra: If you can't do Hot, do Cute. I, for instance, could not do 'hot' to save my life. I'm very tall with strong features and I look friendly. I laugh too much and say gross things. For me, hot is something uncomfortable that involves a flat stomach and drinking strong drinks and knowing how to look cool while smoking. So while I can't do hot, I can work the shit out of cute. Nobody looks more adorable in party shoes and polka-dot tights and bright pink lipstick and 60s dresses. Does it have a bow on it? Good, give it to me and attach 8 more bows. Does it have a collar? Does it have an adorable print on it? Does it look like candy or flowers or rainbows or cats? Geev to meee. So keep this in mind as you read the following, otherwise you're going to be thinking to yourself: "well why the hell is she wearing this stuff to begin with??" With that, I ask you: Am I too old for this shit?

Pigtails/Ponytails
Sarah Silverman is, without question, the patron saint of pigtails. How old is she, like a million? She can still pull it off. But again, the question is...until when can she pull it off? The thing I always think of when I put my hair in pigtails like this is Tig Notaro's line from The Sarah Silverman Program when Big S is doing something obnoxious and she goes "That's going to be so cute when she's 40". I'm always like "Holy crap, that could be said about me! I'm not that far off from 40! Oh god, someone please hit me with their car and make it look like an accident."
So am I too old for pigtails/ponytails? There's no debate: I look super adorable in pigtails. But should I be wearing them to my office? Probably not. I'm going to say I really only have about 5 more years before it looks weird.

Big plastic rings
I have a collection of necklaces that are so ostentatious and gaudy, they'd make Nicki Minaj jealous, but when it comes to rings, I have two pieces I wear all the time. The first is a small gold band with a tiny diamond chip that I bought myself (in no way did I buy it in a Waiting to Exhale "I don't need no man to make me happy! I'm mah own woman! I buy mah own rangs!"-way) and the other is a light blue plastic heart ring that came on a bottle of nail polish. I wear them almost every day. But once day I was at H&M with my friend and I came across a red plastic ring that was shaped like an apple. My friend was like "You NEED to get that. It's so you" and I was like "Really? Are plastic raver rings my thing? Is that how you'd define my style?" And obviously a few years ago I wouldn't have thought twice; I would have bought it. But again, I was like "I think I may be too old for plastic rings shaped like apples." I think maybe because it seems like something a Kindergarten teacher would do: wear tons of plastic, brightly-coloured jewelery to keep the attention of 20 four-year-olds.
So am I too old for big plastic rings? Not yet. For now I'm keeping them (and thinking about going to H&M on my lunch break to buy that apple ring).

Peter Pan shirt collars
I have a problem. I own this shirt and I wear it underneath EVERYTHING. I'm wearing it right now, as a matter of fact. And every single pay day, I think to myself "You should probably go buy another one of those shirts" even though - what's the point - I'm just going to keep wearing the white one until a) it turns gray from the wash or b) it turns yellow from sweat (OH SICK!) But I love it. I feel very 'me' in shirts with Peter Pan collars.
So am I too old for Peter Pan shirt collars? At the present time, no. I still look as cute as a button. But the minute I start to get wrinkles, I need to switch to pointy-collared shirts, or else I will look exactly like Better Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (is that so bad? Wait, don't answer that...)

Wacky nails
I have never mentioned this before, but I have another tumblr that is successful in its own right. And...it's a nail art blog. It's called Oh You Fansy, Nails? and you should probably take a look at it. If anything, it's further proof that I am completely mental and probably should get a CAT-Scan to determine how many brain cells I have left (spoiler alert: I watched an episode of Glee last night, so I'm going to guess I have two cells remaining). My best friend and I do our nails all the time and we're really good at it, but are we too old to be doing this kind of thing? I baby-sat my 8-year-old cousin a few weeks ago and she was ENAMORED with my nails, so that leads me to believe I might be getting too old for this. Then again, people older than me are super dupes impressed with my nails and don't give me that condescending look that says "you're such a special gem, aren't you?"
So am I too old for wacky nails? Hell no. They're my thing. I will never let these go.

Knee socks
In grade 7 I wore white knee socks to school and like 2 seconds after getting off the bus, two dumb sluts from my class (who I won't name....Cory and Ashley) told me I was wearing them wrong. Apparently I should have been wearing them over my knees. Um, no you dumb slags; I was wearing mine just under my knees because I was trying to look like Marcia Brady, not Cher from Clueless. That did not deter me from wearing knee socks all the dayum time (until winter, when I would graduate to tights all the dayum time). My legs aren't as skinny as they once were, so I'm walking a fine line between 'cute knee socks' and 'why are you wearing soccer socks with that dress?'
So am I too old for knee socks? I'm going to give myself a definitive 'yes' on this one. I think that the cut-off for knee socks is either 25 or 15 lbs, whichever comes first.

Colourful hair
As mentioned in a previous post, my hair is half blue. The other half is blonde and brown, which is really nice. Kind of like business on top, meth addiction on the bottom. I told myself I was going to keep this hair for the summer, and then cut it all off come fall, but here we are - October 5th - and there's no hair cut in sight. I actually really like my hair like this, but then again - it could just be because it's trendy. Get back to me a year from now and see what I have to say about it.
So am I too old for colourful hair? Probably. But until I look in the mirror and go "oh, gross!" I'm keeping it.

3 comments:

Alice said...

Pigtails - never too old!

Big plastic rings - uhhhh, as long as you're not also walking around with a baby soother as a necklace...

Peter Pan collars - okay as long as you're not wearing them with that beehive hairstyle.

Wacky nails - as long as they're clipped short, no problem - let your freak flag fly. When they're longer than the ones on the mannequin hands at the "You so pretty #1" asian nail place, you in danger girl.

Knee socks - I still wear athletic socks pulled up to my knees with my sneakers in the summer and I don't care that I look like Heather Graham in Boogie Nights (minus the raging coke problem and uhh, porn career).

Alice said...

Oh and saddle shoes are awsome for a while I used to wear my mom's old pair! That she actually wore to like, sock hops and stuff.

Renee said...

As the owner of a jumper dress with carrots on it, I politely decline to tell you what you're too old for.