I cannot believe I have never written about Hallowe'en candy

Look, let me first start by saying that I don't feel comfortable making fun of children. We've all had out moments where we're criminally lame and embarrassing (Ref: Myself, ages 3 through 23) so there's no reason to be critical of a child; they don't know any better. So I'll keep this comment short and to the point: what the hell is this kid supposed to be dressed up as? A Christian? The visual representation of a client meeting? Is he Microsoft PowerPoint? (He's Christian PowerPoint, right?) I found this image by Googling Kid with Halloween Candy; parents, don't put pictures of your kids on the internet. 10 minutes in Photoshop and I could turn this into a meme. Moving on.

My birthday is on October 12th, and its position in the middle of the month heralds in several fun, important dates.
1. Right after my birthday I know I have a little more than 2 weeks till Hallowe'en
2. The day after Hallowe'en, stores start putting out Christmas things and TV starts showing Christmas commercials
3. The middle of November is American Thanksgiving, which means that Christmas is just around the corner
4. December 1st happens and all I do is watch Home Alone and Christmas Vacation all day long.

Well, that makes me sound like the coolest ever. Anyways, right after my birthday I sat back and started thinking about Hallowe'en. How many pumpkins would I put out on my office desk? How much candy corn will I eat? What will I dress up as? And with that, I realized that after almost 5 years of writing about both Hallowe'en and candy on this blog, I have never EVER written about Hallowe'en candy. That seems weird to me. So, without further boring exposition, here is a breakdown of my all-time favourite Hallowe'en candy, and the shit I used to throw into the sewer before I'd get home.


Large candy bars
Obviously, this isn't common. You'd be lucky to get one large candy bar, maybe two if luck was on your side and you hit up the rich houses before they ran out. Large candy bars were usually cut up by my parents and split between everyone in the kitchen.

Mini candy bars
One thing I've noticed about the miniature, or 'treat-sized', candy bars in the USA is that they're much smaller than the ones in Canada. This is a good thing if the house you're going to gives you a small handful, but chances are you're going to get one (8-year-old me says: "Fuck...what a gyp!")

Caramel squares
I know a lot of people who will classify this candy as the type that gets thrown out, but I used to straight-up covet caramel squares. I would sneak them and eat them in my room, since their wrapper is so small and clear, it was easy to hide the evidence.

I enjoyed receiving starbursts because they usually came 2 to a pack. Although the cheap parents used to rip open the packages and just give you a single wrapped candy. Um, I'm sorry, but if money's that tough for you guys, maybe you should consider turning off the lights and not celebrating Halloween (oh fuck, that was unnecessarily bitchy).

Candy Corn
It's not that bad.

Hallowe'en Kisses (molasses candies)
I didn't much care for these as a kid, but now? Holy shit, I luuuurve thems!!!

Bags of Ketchup chips
The odd time you'd get a very small bag of ketchup chips. I have no idea where the people bought them, because up until like, 2005, you couldn't get very small Halloween-sized bags of chips. So I'd eat them, but I would just have no clue how this person came into 100 small tiny bags of ketchup chips that didn't exist outside of Halloween.


Cans of pop
I used to hate cans of pop for two reasons:
1. I didn't like Coke, and it was ALWAYS Coke
1.a. If you went to a broke-ass house, then it was RC Cola or No Name Cola-like Soda
2. They were too heavy and used to weigh down your pillowcase

After all that "they hide razor blades and child molesters in apples" talk that you're taught in school, who the fuck would be dumb enough to hand out apples? Plus, it's the holiday where you give CANDY TO CHILDREN. Kids get enough apples the other 364 days of the year.

Home-made cookies/candy apples/bags of loose candy
My mom used to give homemade treats to the neighborhood kids that knew her, so that's like - 5 or something. The rest of the kids got pre-packaged candy. My mom was smart. She knew that if she gave Spoooooky Rice Krispy Treats to a bunch of strange kids, they'd just end up in the garbage.

Single gumballs

Bags of Rippled chips
Is there anything grosser? Rippled chips remind me of seniors, crappy parties, Costco, and the chip that's always left over when you put out 4 kinds. Kids don't want this. They want full-sized chocolate bars, athankyou.


c.poir said...

there was a woman who lived up the street from me when i was a child, and at halloween she would hand out these little teddy bears that she probably spent knitting all year, and they had suckers in their hands. they were a tad creepy. i also have gotten a can of pop in my pillowcase... unfortunately, it exploded before i got home.

The Mayor said...


SJM said...

We used to get sandwich bags with a few pennies in them from a neighbor every year. They were apparently too lazy to use the actual pennies to get candy to give out.

Anonymous said...

@SJM....money for a Unicef box?

SJM said...

My parents encouraged all out selfish candy greed (the proper way to celebrate Halloween). Seriously did not even know about Unicef until adulthood.

Sharkdog said...

My orthodontist lived nextdoor to us when I was a kid and she handed out...toothbrushes. Every year and would remind all the kids to brush their teeth.

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