10.25.2011

Shitty Sexy Hallowe'en Costume Bonanza!!

If Hallowe'en was a science experiment, the one constant would be that sluts absolutely go crazy for it. Every year on the last Saturday in October, sluts 'round the world take part in a ritual as old as time (or at least the mid-90s) wherein only the vagina and nipples of one's body are covered by items that only vaguely remind the wearer of a specific idea. Creativity be dammned; on the eve of Slutoween, anything is a considered a costume. Orange bra and booty shorts? You're a traffic cone. Long black tank-top? You're a nun. Panties and black rimmed glasses? You're a nerd.

On Jezebel.com this week, they had an article about alternatives to the "sexy" costume for women. The message was pretty easy to understand: Hey ladies! You don't need to go as something slutty! Here are some creative costumes that people will think are really cool (even if they're sort of boring, like Amelia Earhart and shit). Of course, every single comment was like "OMG guys!! Sexy costumes are soooo demeaning! All they do is objectify women! This year I'm going as a sexy toaster as a joke!" But it's like, um what? You're still going as something "sexy", even if it's arbitrary and tongue-in-cheek. There were a million "I'm dressing up as Sexy Abraham Lincoln!!!" Yeah, har har, you're a genius.

I've written about slutty, trashy Hallowe'en costumes before, and this year I think women have managed to out-slut themselves. Here we go - the skankiest, stupidiest, shittiest costumes you're bound to see staggering home drunk at 3am on October 29th.


Sexy Candyland Pop Singer (aka Katy Perry)
If there's one thing I hate, it's dressing up as popular singers for Halloween. Remember two years ago when EVERYBODY was Lady Gaga? It's just the most obvious and typical. Plus, everyone knows who you are, so it's not that clever (look, if my Grandmother sees you out of the corner of her bad eye and knows you're the "young lady who sings that California Squirrels song", then you didn't work hard enough at a good costume).


Sexy Katy Perry rip-off No. 2
Again with the Katy Perry costumes. Look, her stage persona is campy and skanky on purpose; to dress up like Katy Perry is to say "I am dressed up as someone who makes millions of dollars shooting whipped cream out of their boobs". Speaking of which...


Sexy Katy Perry rip-off No. 3
I will admit: for a slutty costume, this one is pretty good. It's just straight-up skanky. There's nothing coy or cutesy about this. This is underwear with whipped cream titties. The only reason this loses massive points is because you will no doubt have to walk around holding up the canisters all night long and forego your use of hands ("OMG how will i do shots?!?!")


Sexy...uh...The Bomb (?)
So, what - you're Sexy Outdated Slang? Next year you should go as The Hand ("Hey boy! Talk to me! Get it?! BUY ME SHOTS!!") Also, who but white 40-year-old Bros said 'the bomb'? Wasn't it da bomb? EW, WHO EVER SAID DA BOMB?!?! (Maybe Sisqo?)
Final thought: This costume makes you look like you're wearing a giant, shit-filled trashbag diaper.


Sexy Wet T-Shirt Contestant
Oh wow, this is...classy and demure; I'm sure you're parents would be very proud. This is one of those costumes where I think "Honestly, there's not much between this and topless, and topless is Free. You paid too much".


Sexy Trophy Wife
The only person who chooses this costume is one who's husband has banged so many secretaries his dick smells like photocopier toner.


Sexy Blow Up Doll
Whoa! Hey now! This is more disturbing than it needs to be. It looks like a cross between a traditional Sexy costume and the pig-faced doctors from The Twilight Zone.


Sexy Pinocchio
The Pinocchio costume only works for guys (well, frat guys and guys who have suffered from head injuries) because they can make tons of stupid wood-themed double-entendres and jokes about "why don't you sit on my nose and I'll tell you a bunch of lies" jokes. Ugh. I am really glad I'm not friends with people like that (Who? Andrew Dice Clay?) Also, is there anything less sexy about those shoes? They look like dinner rolls.


Sexy Where's Waldo?
The first time this was done, it was funny. The second time this was done, it was charming. The 17,824th time this was done, it was fucking DONE TO DEATH.


Sexy RoboCop
Nothing about this is sexy. Well, okay, maybe the stripper heels, but everything else about this is just super weird and doesn't make a lick of sense. How is she RoboCop? Was there ever a Lady RoboCop (RoboParkingEnforcement?) I would just absolutely love to know what kind of woman chooses this costume, and then have her tested to see what kind of rare neurological disorder she has.


Sexy Rosie, the Jetson's robot maid
OMG YOU'RE CARRYING HER DECAPITATED HEAD AROUND AS A PURSE.


Sexy Shrek's Wife
This makes little sense to me, because why wouldn't you just go as a sexy viking or sexy warrior? Why does it also have to be Shrek-themed? What kind of boring sad-sack loves both Shrek and being sexy so much that they want to work it into a Hallowe'en costume? I don't get people.


Sexy Marvin the Martian
Know who would love this costume? Dudes from 1994. Remember when everyone wore thugged-out Warner Brothers t-shirts? There are pictures of me, circa 1995, wearing a t-shirt with Bugs, Daffy, and Taz G'd up from the feet up (and then pictures of them in reverse on the back of the shirt) floating around on the internet somewhere. But that doesn't mean that 15 years later I'd be really into dressing up like a Marvin the Martian stripper.


Sexy Jason Voorhees
This looks more like a Linebacker for the Friday the 13th-themed football team. The model for this also looks like a serial killer version of Kim Kardashian. I'm so confused by what's going on here. Why would Jason wear a jersey with his face on it? Why isn't her face weird and mangled underneath the mask? When did Jason get such beautiful hair? Look, the only people who should be allowed to dress up as Jason are 13-year-old boys who just watched the movie for the first time last summer. Case closed.


Sexy Michael Myers
More like Sexy Disco Myers, amirite? What in the name of cameltoe hell is going on here? Here's the thing about serial killer costumes and women: Ladies who are REALLY into serial killers/horror movies will go to great lengths to cosplay the shit out of their costume. You will swear you're looking at the REAL Leatherface or the REAL Captain Spaulding. Never would they buy a cheap-looking polyester jumpsuit and go as "That, like, scary guy from that Halloween movie.". You know who's going to hit on you while you're wearing this? Total weirdos.


Sexy Chucky
Jesus Christ, Bride of Chucky has a jokey sexy character in it already, so why would you go as Sexy Chucky?? Go as Jennifer Tilly as Tiffany!! Come on, the movie is practically handing you an overtly-sexy costume, and you choose to sex-up the little boy doll instead? WTF?


Sexy Green Hornet
What's worse that going as Sexy Green Hornet?


...going as Sexy Sidekick Kato.


Sexy (or regular?) Lady Gaga
Please. Please just let this costume die. Know what this costume is? It's your kid 20 years in the future going "OMG one year my mom dressed up as Lady Gaga!" and every other kid in the class goes "Mine too."


Sexy Scarecrow
How close do you have to stand to the microwave in order to be so brain-dead that this is the best you could come up with? No, I'm serious. Like, 2 inches away? 1 inch away? "I'm old clothes that a farmer stuffs with hay and sets up in the field to scare away birds...but also sexy."


Sexy Mrs. Potato Head
Mrs. Potato Head, by nature, is a very rotund large woman. For all extensive purposes, we can also say it's a characteristic of her relationship as well; both her and her husband are persons of larger carriage. So why is this one so skinny? I would never go as Sexy Biggest Loser Contestant or Sexy Gabourey Sidibe; it doesn't make sense. Also, imagine dressing up like this and meeting someone who grew up in like, The Sudan or something, wh never played with Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head? Imagine explaining that to them? "Well, okay, so it's a potato, and you have eyes and noses and mouths and stuff and you stick them into the potato, and then you have a person? But the person looks like they have a potato for a head? Oh fuck it, WHO WANTS TO BUY MEEEE REDBULL SHOTS!?!?!"


Sexy 1980s...Person...?
Are we not done with 80s nostalgia yet? I mean, I remember 10 years ago when 80s nostalgia was massive. I'm not above it; I thought Oingo Boingo was amazing and I totally died over mismatched earrings. But now that I'm not 19 years old anymore, and way more jaded and negative, I can realize that the 80s were just dreadful. What was I trying to get at again? Oh yeah, this was my round-about way of saying that no one ever dressed like this in the 80s. No one. This is like what Disney World will dress animatronics up like on the Rockin' Retro Regan ride (opening Summer 2046). I really love the t-shirt though; nothing says "ambiguous costume" like having to wear a giant clue on your shirt. And really, if you're going to go as a lady who loves the 80s, go as the original.


Sexy Penthouse Magazine Cover
And finally, we have the sluttiest of the sluttiest, the lamest of the lame, and the laziest costume made for skanks you've ever seen. Drumroll please: you're going out for Hallowe'en dressed as a publication used for wanking! That's it. You're dressed as masturbation. You're porn. Look, I'm no Prudie Judy, but this is straight up sad. How many levels below ground floor does your self-esteem-elevator need to plummet before you look yourself in the mirror and say "This year I'm going as jerk-off material"? There's nothing coy about this either; you are literally a magazine that dudes beat off to. All ranting aside though, wtf is with the pants? In the picture, she's bottomless, but then a crotch with legs in yoga pants are there? This is some weird David Lynch/Twin Peaks shit. The Girl from Another Place with Two Crotches. Shouldn't she be nude on the bottom? Or just like, always sitting down or something? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE! Look lady, next year save yourself $40 (plus $15.95 for shipping and handling), wear your underwear (it's fine, it's Hallowe'en, no one will notice) get guys numbers at a party, and send them pics of your crootch. There! Your costume is Sexy Sexting, and you didn't spend a dime. You're welcome.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Put aside the costumes for a second and focus on the "models". If we're being realistic, 95% of those women are RIDICULOUSLY good looking - would totally bareback any of them.

In my head I always think "really good looking women probably have the best lives" and I instantly go to a montage of luxurious women wining and dining in front of the Eiffel Tower, having their hair blown back in a convertible on the Amalfi Coast, settling down with their loyal multi-millionaire husband having 2.5 kids and keeping the same good looks until they die, all set to a cute Bridget Bardot song.

It's posts like this that remind us that most too-good-looking-for-their-own-good women will probably end up peddling sexy-costumes on the internet (basically spank bank material for kids under 14), mostly end up in porn, and then probably get hit by a bus trying to cross the road or figuring out how to answer a phone-call in acrylics.

Thanks again!

Alice said...

I laughed so hard at the comment about Rosie the maid's decapitated head that I spit out my coffee at my desk, all over my keyboard.

I usually dress up as something scary (because, duh, it's halloween and it's supposed to be a party for the dead not a party for the sluts) but now I totally want to go as Tootsie!

casu marzu said...

My female cousin's making a "sexy Mussolini" costume, which she said was getting "weird". I'm dying to see that thing.

Renee said...

Anonymous' comment: I want to read whatever blog you write, are thinking of writing, or have no desire to write.

I saw something new this year. College women have started wearing kids costumes. Like, "Hey I fit into this toddler unicorn costume, even though (because) you can see my vajazzle." It's throwing me for a loop, because I didn't know Halloween could get grosser.

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