11.16.2011

Shame Crushes

My favourite podcast right now is How Was Your Week? with Julie Klausner. Look, I know I go through phases where I say something is my favourite and then I forget about it like 3 weeks later and then it gets canceled and I lament that no one got into it and now it's ruined for me and bla bla bla. I have a feeling we'll be revisiting this once Community gets canceled (WHICH IT TOTALLY WILL BECAUSE IT IS 2011'S ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT). Julie Klausner's podcast, in the event you are not familiar, is her chatting with people (mostly funny, sometimes interesting aka Book People) and talking about television. Julie Klausner loves (read: love/hates) Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger almost more than me. I say almost because there was a time in my life when I used to follow Stanger's dating advice to the T (like, I wouldn't kiss anyone on the first date because Patti says it means you're cheap. In reality, when a date is going really well, and you shake the guys hand at the end of the date, it is very confusing for them and they're usually throw off by how much of a shithead you are. And to answer your question: Yes Yes I have ended many dates with handshakes. I'll write about dating some other time, because right now I'm talking about Patti Stanger and podcasts and not about me being a complete social loser).

Anyways. I was going back through all the old HWYW's and found an awesome episode with Rob Delaney where she asked him about his shame crushes. Obviously, these are people you should be ashamed to have a crush on, and not like, crushes on a cousin or your cat or something (cause that's something you shouldn't be ashamed of, amirite? Joking! Unless you want to marry your cat, in which case, a hearty Mazel Tov to you). His shame crushes were pretty typical: Tom Hardy, Fran Drescher, Phylicia Rashād dressed as a cop, Octomom. I mean, they're gross, but nothing to be particularly be ashamed of. This got me thinking: Who are my shame crushes? Oh shit, here we go...

Hank Kingsley
(from The Larry Sanders Show)
Hank is old, wears good suits, has a deep voice, and would totally take you out for dinner to a really nice place. Probably steak. Maybe surf and turf or something. Do I want steak and lobster? Meh, why not. Although I would also do Larry Sanders, Artie, and Phil the Writer too (...not at the same time. Hey-now.) Maybe that's not the best example.

Abraham Lincoln
Forget that Lincoln maybe, sort-of, might have been, was pretty much proven to be gay. Let's look at the facts:
- tall
- looks good in a hat
- worked the shit out of the half-beard
- freed slaves
I don't see how you can argue against the last one, really.

Will Forte
I should NOT have to justify this one, and I should also not be ashamed. What I SHOULD be ashamed of is the moment I fell in love with him (Lazy Horse Mattress & Bedding commercial. Look it up. Then call my therapist).

Randy Newman
Yeah, THAT Randy Newman. And not like, 'Randy Newman in the 70s with the awesome hair' either. Present day Newman. Fuck, while we're at it...

Alfred E Neuman
I mean, if he was a real guy. I like the string tie and the gap in his teeth.

The Burger King
YES I WOULD

Daniel Tosh
This is probably the most shameful of the whole list. He's so douchey and mainstream; he's like Dane Cook. I bet he has sex with girls with implants. I bet he calls his friends bros. I bet he wears polo shirts. Why do I want to marry him so hard?

Lamar Odom

I don't much care for jocks. But lord love a duck, there is something so charming and cute about Lamar Odom. 


Dr. Drew Pinsky
I'd also take Dr. Oz. Yeah, throw his hat into the ring too.

11.14.2011

Fancy French Chippies

Holy shit, sorry for the two-week hiatus, everyone! I would say I had a good reason, but that's not true. I just got lazy and got really into naps and Starbucks. Can we talk about Starbucks Holiday Drinks please? Okay, I get that some of you are rolling your eyes because Starbucks is so evil and run by Satan and destroying America and we are the 99% etc etc etc, but just shut up for a second, okay? Starbucks isn't evil, doesn't run small coffee places out of business, doesn't treat its employees like crap. It's not the worst. Besides that, November 2nd they release Holiday Drinks, and I totally lose my shit. Eggnog lattes. Gingerbread lattes. Peppermint mochas (ew, not that good actually). All I wanna do for 2 solid months is drink eggnog and eat gingerbread. 2 months. Don't care. Anyways, the reason why I brought it up is because I have been drinking at least 1 eggnog latte a day, and today was the first day I brought my own eggnog to work to make eggnog lattes all day long. I might have a problem. Moving on.

A little while ago, my friend Caitlin went on a trip with her boyfriend to Paris. I got really excited because I know that France is the place where you can get mustard-flavoured potato chips. So I asked her to bring me back some. Cut to two weeks later when she gets back and wasn't able to find me any (FUCKED AGAIN!!! This happened when my sister went to France too) but she did bring me back chips, albeit not vinegary-yellow-mustardy ones.


In case you don't read French, the bag is telling us that these are Lay's Bolognaise flavour chips. They're always so tasty/delicious even though they have 25% less salt and they're not made with palm oil (two things I don't care about. The bag could say 250% more salt and filled with illegal, rare, extinct palm oil and I'd still NOM NOM NOM right down to the bottom of the bag).

I wasn't entirely sure what 'Bolognaise' meant; I know it's a spaghetti sauce, but my knowledge of Italian foods doesn't extend that far past Chef Boyardee and The Olive Garden, so I did some research. Bolognaise is a meat sowsa that is just like, beef and tomatoes and garlic and onions and stuff. Pretty basic. I think that's what you get when you get anything from East Side Marios (that, and IBS. Oh, and all you can eat garlic loaf). But on the chip package it looks like the main flavours are tomatoes and basil. This would make it...Marinara? I dunno. I ate them to find out.

Damn boo, them chips is orange. I was expecting red or brown (ew). The smell was very potato-y; it wasn't really "Italian" or tomato-y. The only exposure I've had to either of those flavours is Ketchup chips (delicious) and Pizza Pringles (fucking gross).

Two things. First off, it didn't taste like Ketchup and it didn't taste like Pizza Pringles. I wouldn't describe them as tomato/basil though; it was more like a salad dressing flavour. All Dressed? Yeah, maybe like a bizarro French All Dressed. It wasn't very tangy, the way you'd expect a tomato chip to be. It did have elements of basil, but not that kick that says "I have basil in my mouth". The best way I can describe it is that it doesn't taste like cheese and it doesn't taste like creamy. It's the absence of flavour. Second, the flavour wasn't really sprinkled on, like Canadian and America chips. It's like it's baked or fried into the chip? It's odd, sort of like a greasy little taste package. I didn't complain - I ate them all.

So would I eat these again? Yeah, probably. They weren't gross, but they didn't hit the spot like a mustard chip would (then again, nothing will). Next time you're in France, buy some. Eat them with lunch, but not with dinner - they're too light a chip. What's a dinner chip, you ask? Easy - Doritos, or anything Sour Cream & Onion.