11.16.2011

Shame Crushes

My favourite podcast right now is How Was Your Week? with Julie Klausner. Look, I know I go through phases where I say something is my favourite and then I forget about it like 3 weeks later and then it gets canceled and I lament that no one got into it and now it's ruined for me and bla bla bla. I have a feeling we'll be revisiting this once Community gets canceled (WHICH IT TOTALLY WILL BECAUSE IT IS 2011'S ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT). Julie Klausner's podcast, in the event you are not familiar, is her chatting with people (mostly funny, sometimes interesting aka Book People) and talking about television. Julie Klausner loves (read: love/hates) Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker's Patti Stanger almost more than me. I say almost because there was a time in my life when I used to follow Stanger's dating advice to the T (like, I wouldn't kiss anyone on the first date because Patti says it means you're cheap. In reality, when a date is going really well, and you shake the guys hand at the end of the date, it is very confusing for them and they're usually throw off by how much of a shithead you are. And to answer your question: Yes Yes I have ended many dates with handshakes. I'll write about dating some other time, because right now I'm talking about Patti Stanger and podcasts and not about me being a complete social loser).

Anyways. I was going back through all the old HWYW's and found an awesome episode with Rob Delaney where she asked him about his shame crushes. Obviously, these are people you should be ashamed to have a crush on, and not like, crushes on a cousin or your cat or something (cause that's something you shouldn't be ashamed of, amirite? Joking! Unless you want to marry your cat, in which case, a hearty Mazel Tov to you). His shame crushes were pretty typical: Tom Hardy, Fran Drescher, Phylicia Rashād dressed as a cop, Octomom. I mean, they're gross, but nothing to be particularly be ashamed of. This got me thinking: Who are my shame crushes? Oh shit, here we go...

Hank Kingsley
(from The Larry Sanders Show)
Hank is old, wears good suits, has a deep voice, and would totally take you out for dinner to a really nice place. Probably steak. Maybe surf and turf or something. Do I want steak and lobster? Meh, why not. Although I would also do Larry Sanders, Artie, and Phil the Writer too (...not at the same time. Hey-now.) Maybe that's not the best example.

Abraham Lincoln
Forget that Lincoln maybe, sort-of, might have been, was pretty much proven to be gay. Let's look at the facts:
- tall
- looks good in a hat
- worked the shit out of the half-beard
- freed slaves
I don't see how you can argue against the last one, really.

Will Forte
I should NOT have to justify this one, and I should also not be ashamed. What I SHOULD be ashamed of is the moment I fell in love with him (Lazy Horse Mattress & Bedding commercial. Look it up. Then call my therapist).

Randy Newman
Yeah, THAT Randy Newman. And not like, 'Randy Newman in the 70s with the awesome hair' either. Present day Newman. Fuck, while we're at it...

Alfred E Neuman
I mean, if he was a real guy. I like the string tie and the gap in his teeth.

The Burger King
YES I WOULD

Daniel Tosh
This is probably the most shameful of the whole list. He's so douchey and mainstream; he's like Dane Cook. I bet he has sex with girls with implants. I bet he calls his friends bros. I bet he wears polo shirts. Why do I want to marry him so hard?

Lamar Odom

I don't much care for jocks. But lord love a duck, there is something so charming and cute about Lamar Odom. 


Dr. Drew Pinsky
I'd also take Dr. Oz. Yeah, throw his hat into the ring too.

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