1.26.2012

I tried something new! Pt. 1

Since my diet leading up to 2012 was basically this:


...I decided it was in my best interest to expand my palate and try some new foods. I went over a list of foods I've never tried with my friends and they were mostly astonished to know I'd never eaten things as basic as margarine. Alright, so here we go. This week I tried 3 new foods. Have at it!

New Food: MANGO
Tried it at: A restaurant
Thoughts: I went out for vegetarian Thai food with two of my friends, and they convinced me to try mango in salad form first. I've heard from some people that mango on its own can taste woody or dirty, so dousing it in vinegar and mixing in onions seems like a good idea. This was actually really good. I've tried mango-flavoured candy before, and this is not the same. At all. Then again, it would be like comparing prosciutto-wrapped melon to Sour Watermelon candies. Mango tasted kind of like fruity cabbage. It was crunchy and juicy and tasted good with the onions and carrots.
Overall Rating: I liked it! I'd eat it again. I'm very afraid to try it on its own though; I've been tricked by foods covered in vinegar before. You ever tried pickles without vinegar? THEY'RE SO PLAIN!


New Food: BOK CHOY
Tried it at: My house
Thoughts: Bok choy was...something. I wasn't sure what to expect. I thought it might taste like spinach, but it was more like celery. It was plain and stringy. I know it's good for me (it's got fibre, right?) but for the most part I was unimpressed. I think it's one of those foods people eat because it's healthy (like spinach) and not because it's delicious (like candy or cheese). The only thing that was really hard about bok choy was knowing how to eat it. Do you eat it plain? Do you put it in stuff? I decided to put it in soup (but more on that later).

Overall Rating: It's okay. I'll probably eat it again because it's super cheap and I know it's something my doctor would probably tell me to eat. Update! I found out it's low in fibre, but very high in Vitamin K (aka Who cares, what does that shit do?)



New Food: MISO PASTE
Tried it at: My house
Thoughts: For a very long time I refused to eat miso soup. It looked gross, it had tofu, I thought it would make me barf (I was convinced it was liquid MSG). Finally I tried it and really liked it, but it was super mysterious to me. How was it made? What made it salty? Why is it good? What is umami? So I've only had miso soup a handful of times, but I know I liked it. I decided that it was time I bought miso paste from the Japanese grocery store and see if I couldn't make soup at home. It is absolutely the easiest shit I've ever made. You throw a spoonful of paste into boiling water and stir. THAT'S IT. Add whatever you want to it, and you have soup. It is seriously my new favourite thing in the world. I bought miso paste last weekend and I've made soup 4 times in less than a week. This soup also has tiny Japanese noodles in it - something I've also avoided for nearly 30 years (because I don't like the texture of noodles that are both smaller than and larger than spaghetti noodles. I'm too picky). I didn't include them in this list though because - really - a noodle is a noodle (except for soba noodles, which still look like they were invented to make me gag). In case you're wondering what's in this mess: miso paste, noodles, bok choy (represent) and a poached egg.

Overall Rating: I LOVED it! I plan on incorporating miso paste into my weekly diet. Next up: putting it on fish (oh, this has FAIL written all over it).

So there it is. I tried 3 new things and none of them totally grossed me out. I'm starting to think trying new foods was a good idea. Well, I say that now, but wait till we get to like Part 3 and I'll be dry heaving all over my computer.

1.24.2012

84th Annual Academy Award Nomin-awww, who gives a shit?


So, it's that time again; Christmas morning for film nerds. This morning the Oscar nominations were announced by Jennifer "Imma kill it in Hunger Games" Lawrence and some old guy. Sorry! Don't have time to Google his name, we have movies to talk about! Lots and lots of great films! Terrific, wonderful - WAIT, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close was nominated for Best Picture? Oh shit, I take it back. When I said "great films" I really should have said "mediocre 9/11 movies with Sandy Bullock and some kid who looks like he has assburgers". Moving on. So here is what we're dealing with this year. One caveat: I am not gonna rip on all the movies listed, because there are some I'm really really excited about.


Okay, so first let's talk about Supporting Actors and Actresses aka the bras of the acting world (what? Exactly. See above gif).

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh (My Week With Marilyn)
- I still haven't seen this movie a) because I'm lazy and b) I don't like Marilyn Monroe. SORRY! She was the ScarJo of the 50s. I was talking to someone at work about this and we both agreed that if she hadn't died, she would be 80 and covered in plastic surgery and married 10 times and would, basically, be Zsa Zsa Gabor. Anyways, Kenneth Branagh is good and everything, but he's not going to win. 
Jonah Hill (Moneyball)
- Whatup shawty? Lemme holla at chu a second, boy. How you doin, Poppa Waffles? I ain't seen you 'round much, ever since you got your nose surgically attached to Brad Pitt's ass. Why you gotta play me like that, boo? I ain't good enough for you? Aww, I'm sorry. Homie, you know I don't play like dat. Gimme a call when you need a date to the Oscars. Naw, you ain't gon win, but we'll go to IHOP after the ceremony anyways. XO - The Mayor.
Nick Nolte (Warrior)
- Nick fucking Nolte?? Oh boy, he's not going to win, but imagine if he actually shows up?!?! PS - if you want to hear something funny, find the Superego episode with John C. Reilly, Don Dimelo, and Nick Nolte. It's terrible (terribly funny, that is). Oh, and I'll say it now: is Nick Nolte the new Mickey Rourke? Everybody loves a comeback.
Christopher Plummer (Beginners)
- Done! Give Captain Von Trapp the award and be done with it (also I just like to see Canadians win).
Max von Sydow (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)
- I know he's not, but his name sounds like something I heard in high school history class while learning about Nazis. I cannot be the only one here, right?

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Berenice Bejo (The Artist)
- Did not see! Do not know! Me no care!
Jessica Chastain (The Help)
- I know she's a good actress and everything, but I heard an interview with her recently and she is SO insufferable. She's definitely one of those people who refers to acting as "her craft". EW. Just barfed in my mouth.
Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)
- She isn't going to win. Sorry! Oscars don't go to funny people. I'd like her to win, but she won't. 
Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs)
- Who? Even after Googling, I'm like "really...WHO?"
Octavia Spencer (The Help)
- She will probably get it. I heard she's really good, and from the clips I've seen on YouTube, she's enjoyable. Although...I don't wanna get all MLK Day on you guys...but doesn't it feel a little unsettling that there are two women of colour nominated and they're both for maid characters? Me no likey. I mean, obviously The Help is a good movie; it just sucks that when black actresses get nominated it's for maid parts or shitty welfare queen parts (Precious), or 2 minutes of screen time (Doubt). Crap, can Hollywood catch up to the rest of the world please? End rant. I'll go back to fart jokes now.

Speaking of stinky room-clearers, here are the nominees for most likely to do that weird prayer-hands/mouthing the words 'thank you' when their names are called:

ACTOR
Demian Bichir (A Better Life)
- I'd like your first name better if it was spelled with an A instead of an E, but it is pretty hot that your last name sounds like 'bitchier', so...you're a winner to me. 
George Clooney (The Descendants)
- DEAR LORD NO. This man doesn't need another circle jerk in his honor. He will probably win for that fucking Lilo & Stitch Have a Crisis movie.
Jean Dujardin (The Artist)
- He is super adorable. If he wins, I hope he brings the dog on stage. 
Gary Oldman (Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy)
- COMMISSIONER GORDON/SIRIUS BLACK 4 LYFE!
Brad Pitt (Moneyball)
- Am I way off base for saying that Brad Pitt is not a good actor? Like, he really isn't, right? I'm not wrong. Maybe it's because any time I think of Brad Pitt I think of him in Thelma & Louise where he's teaching Thelma how to rob a store and he's using the hairdryer as a pretend gun. That's...embarrassing.

ACTRESS
Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs)
- How cute is Glenn Close, btw? I think she's the greatest. Alex Forrest, respect. She might get this, actually.
Viola Davis (The Help)
- Damn, homegirl can act the shit out of anything. I love Viola Davis. Here's a fun game: find any picture of her and tell me it doesn't look like her skin is being lit from within. She glows. She's a human with glowing, radiant skin. I love her to bits, but she's not going to win this. 
Rooney Mara (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
- NEXT!
Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)
- Bitch, pick out a good dress, cause I don't wanna see you crawl on stage wearing any two-piece mother-of-the-bride get-ups. You leave that drapey, tent-y shit at home. 
Michelle Williams (My Week With Marilyn)
- PLEASE BRING BUSY PHILIPS AS YOUR DATE!!!! You guys kill me.

BEST PICTURE
War Horse
-  It's about the war. It's about a horse. I liked Seabiscuit better.
The Artist
-  I sort of hope this wins. Anything to prevent The Decendants from winning, and I feel like a different movie would be good. What am I talking about? I just wanna see that dog get on stage.
Moneyball
- Oh, the baseball movie that isn't Field of Dreams? Right. NEXT!
The Descendants
- It will probably win because there is one group of people that runs Hollywood and they are...George Clooney Lovers. And yes, I haven't seen it; what of it. I don't need to see the movie about a rich white old guy from tv's ER who lives in Hawaii and has 'pwoblems' to know that I won't like it.
The Tree of Life
- Maybe?

Midnight in Paris
- Remember Drillbit Taylor? You, Me, and Dupree? Shanghai Noon? Exactly. Just thought I'd remind you.
The Help
- This definitely won't win, but I'm glad to see people liking it. It's nice to have a movie with a solid female cast that isn't Sex and the City 3: 2-Hour Shoe Commercial.
Hugo
- Maybe? I'd be okay with that.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
- BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Now that that's out of the way, let's take a look at some figures. I'll direct you to my PowerPoint presentation I've set up.
IMDB rating: 6.2/10
A.V. Club rating: F
Metacritic rating: 46/100
Basically, what we have here is something that should be nominated for a Razzie, not an Oscar. I mean, this sounds like a total pile of shit. WTF? How was this nominated? You mean to tell me EL&IC was better than The Muppets? DON'T TELL ME THAT.

AAAAAANND THE REST!
- I'm really glad to see The Muppets nominated for best Original Song. It's going to win, for sure, which means that we're going to have Bret McKenzie and Jason Segel on stage (and maybe Amy Adams? And maybe Muppets?!?!?!?)
- There isn't an Animated Feature I'm really rooting for this year, but if I had to pick one, I'd say Rango. I mean, I'd love for Puss in Boots to win, but that's just because it is Beverly Hills Chihuahua with cats.
- Documentaries is a snore-fest this year. The only one I really know is Pina, and I know it because I refused to see it (sorry, but I just cannot embrace modern dance).
- I'm psyched about the Foreign Language Film category. I still want to see A Separation and Monsieur Lazhar (which is from Canada - aka Quebec, where all of our Foreign Language Entries come from).
- Kristen Wiig got nominated for Original Screenplay because...? Really, I'd like to know. I hated Juno, but at least I can admit it deserved that Original Screenplay Oscar that Diablo Cody got. Ugh, whatever, send all your hate-mail to skipraid@gmail.com

The 84th Annual Academy Awards will be broadcast on February 26th, 2012. I'll probably live-blog the whole thing because I'll be in Chicago and, really, what does one do on a Sunday night in February in Chicago? Right, pizza eating.

1.19.2012

Is This the Name of a Real Candle or Just Some Shit I Made Up?

I rip on a lot of dumb girl things: hair extensions, high heels, going to the gym. I think it's because I see them as stereotypical and common. Don't have any outside interest? Go to the gym a million times a day and talk about it with anyone who will listen. Need to feel constantly 'pretty' while at the same time severely limiting your mobility? Wear 5" heels to an amusement park. So while I try my hardest to be above bullshit like that, there is one dumb girl thing that I am totally obsessed with:

Scented candles.

I love scented candles. I like ones that smell like perfume and ones that smell like baking and ones that smell like candy and pine trees and beaches filled with seashells. My house is nice, and yet I junk it up with no less than 10 huge glass jars from Bath and Body Works. My home doesn't smell bad without candles; I don't know why then I feel the need to make it smell like Caribbean Escape. I don't understand. I wasn't raised around candles (my mother was afraid we'd burn our house down) and I'm certainly not into Glade air fresheners or sprays or Febreeze or anything. But as long as I have something to burn and make my house smell like cider/gingerale/fresh leather, I am so beyond happy. And yes, I know that lighting a shit-ton of candles is dangerous; obviously I've had accidents where hair has come a little too close to a flame and singed off a few inches. WHO HASN'T? And yes, my house looks like there is a permanent seance going on at all times. WHAT OF IT? Enough about me being the Crazy Cat Lady of candles. Here's my point:

I've noticed that, like nail polish, naming conventions for candles can be classified somewhere between 'cheesy' and 'embarrassing'. It's terrible. Just call the candle what it smells like. Vanilla. Apples. No Smell. Don't call it something like Soft Blanket or Cherries on Snow ("Ah Christmas...chestnuts roasting on the fire, jack frost decorating your windows, cherries scattered amongst the snow like splattered blood from a careless drive-by shooter"). I thought it would be fun to play a game called Is This the Name of a Real Candle or Just Some Shit I Made Up? It's easy; all you need to do is read through the list of candle names and guess which ones are real candle names and which ones were arbitrarily made up by me. It's the game that's sweeping the nation! Not really, but just for a second pretend that guessing candle names isn't a complete and utter waste of time. Okay, GO!

Garden Hideaway
Midnight Cove
Cottage Breeze
Midwinter's Cameltoe
Mountain Lake
Sunset Cheddar
Intimate Backscratch
Christmas Wreath
Secret Itch
Damp Sleeping Bag 
Mrs. Claus' Cookies
Crippling Silence
Papa's Moustache
Deep Sadness Sunrise
Springtime Tulip Parade
Adult Acne Splendor
Sparkling Skintag 
Crystal Meth Mist
Surprise Rash
Daddy's Denial
Motionless Cat
Crisp Model Airplane Glue
Pending Adoption
Beef Taco Siesta
Fire Damage
Lover's Shuffle
Discount Rectal Exam
Citrus Waltz
Christoph Waltz
Rose Petal Terrace
Shimmering Sweatpants
Secret Boner

1.17.2012

Some of my favourite episodes of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

It is my knowledge that some people have never seen It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I'm not entirely sure why this is; it's terrific. I thought I'd think about some of my favourite episodes and tell you about them. PS - just so you know, this is a terribly lazy post. I've always wanted to write about It's Always Sunny, but halfway through this post I realized that it's much better to just watch every episode and see for yourself how good it is. Reading about it isn't as good. Well, maybe this is one to save for when you need to spend 6 hours in a hospital waiting room? Yeah, I'd say so. Enjoy!

10. The Gang Gets Racist (aka the gay bar episode)
Pilot
I am a huge television junkie; if I could give a back-alley hj for it and cook it on a filthy spoon in a derelict flophouse, I would. But something I never, EVER do is watch the pilot episode of a television show. I feel pilots don't accurately reflect the show's characters and themes. There's usually far too much exposition. So I while I have seen every episode of The Sopranos, Parks and Recreation, and Strangers with Candy, I have never seen their respective pilots. However, one I have seen, and loved, was "The Gang Gets Racist". One caveat, though. By no means would I consider this to be the 10th best episode of the series; I include it on this list because it is the only pilot episode of a show that doesn't deviate too severely from the rest of the series. I think it's a great example of a pilot working well on its own, and at the same time introducing you to every character without the typical "this is ___ and he likes a, b, and c. This is ____ and they have a ____ addiction. Next week we'll get into some plot, trust us, but for now please enjoy the television equivalent of a Facebook profile". So here's the episode: the gang wants to drum up some new customers for the bar. Dee is dating a guy who can make this happen, so Paddy's Pub becomes the most popular bar in Philly overnight. At the same time, Charlie wants to prove to his crush that he's not racist, so he starts dating a black girl. The girl finds out she's being used, Charlie looks like a racist, the pub turns out to be popular only because people think its a gay bar, Dennis acts gay to make more money that Dee, Dennis gets blackout drunk and has sex with a dude. You know, typical pilot material.

9. Who Pooped the Bed? (aka the one where Dee runs head-first into a parked car)
Season 4, Episode 7
The argument that girls aren't as funny as guys isn't just repetitive, it's also very very true. I know, I'm sorry! But really, if you take away girls talking in baby voices about abortions and rape jokes (Sarah Silverman, I'm looking in your direction...) you really don't have as much to work with as guys do. This is why I love this episode. While the main story is Dennis and Mac trying to figure out who pooped Charlie and Frank's bed, the B-story is that Dee wants to form her own Sex and the City-style group. It's supposed to be the supporting story, but to me, it is much funnier (that says a lot too, cause I love poo jokes). And for those of you who've seen this episode, you know that the best part is easily when Dee bolts from the boutique and runs head-first into the parked car. I have a feeling that's the most re-watched scene in all 7 seasons.
Oh, and as to who pooped the bed? Spoiler alert: It was Frank.

8. Hundred Dollar Baby (aka Dee's moustache)
Season 2, Episode 5
I never saw Million Dollar Baby, but it doesn't mean I can't come into this episode and know what's going on. Everyone on It's Always Sunny interacts well with each other as a group (doye - it's an ensemble show) but sometimes we get cute little one-on-one stories, this time with Frank and Dee. Dee gets into boxing, Frank sees an opportunity to exploit this, Dee begins taking steroids to compete against one of Frank's rivals, Dee gets a moustache, Dee gets far too aggressive, Dee tells Frank "I'm going to paralyze this bitch." The B story is good too - Mac and Dennis get Charlie into street fighting - but it's Dee on crazy amounts of drugs that really makes this episode worth watching (and hearing someone describe her as looking like "a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup"). 

7. The Nightman Cometh (aka The Play!!)
Season 4, Episode 13
After much talk and lead up to the gang getting in to music and Nightman and everything, we FINALLY get to see the opus that is The Nightman Cometh. The first introduction of Nightman might be one of the best episodes (more about that later), so I was suspicious of a whole episode dedicated to Charlie's super scary creation, Nightman. Holy shit. The musical is great. I love that after this episode aired, Charlie, Dee, Mac, and Charlie went on the road and put on The Nightman Cometh in real life and it was crazy successful. I would have loved to have seen that, but moving on. The best part is the ending. I actually don't want to talk about this episode anymore because there is no way to describe it than saying that the ending is one of my favourite endings on any show EVER.

6. The Gang Gets Invincible (aka the one with Green Man)
Season 3, Episode 2
Mac and Dennis try out for the Philadelphia Eagles during a fake tryout day. They are convinced it's real and that they will make the team. Dee puts on a shitty moustache and also tries out. Charlie puts on a lime-green spandex onesie, thus marking the first time we see Green Man. Frank gets high on acid. The McPoyles show up.  I love this episode.

5. The Gang Wrestles for the Troops (aka the one with Roddy Piper)
Season 5, Episode 7
If you hate wrestling, move on, because this episode will not be something you'll like. It's all about wrestling. Rowdy Roddy Piper is in it (he plays a crazy so well, I certainly hope we see him again). I'm getting lazy with my descriptions, so let's just let this picture tell you the whole story:



Yep! That's it! They've drawn on abs. Go watch this episode now (also it's a good Artemis episode).

4a. The Gang Buys a Boat (aka the P Diddy shrimping boat)
Season 6, Episode 3
 4b. Mac and Charlie Die, Pt. 1&2 (aka The Duster)
Season 4, Episodes 5&6
Two-fer! I tied these two because I wasn't sure which one I like better. Mac and Charlie Die is a really good two-part episode. It's not the best, but I didn't want to leave it off this list, because there are some really good parts: the duster, the sex party, Dee riding the bus. Mac's Dad. Paddy's Glory Hole. So it stays on the list.
The Gang buying a boat is the best episode from the 6th season, but it's rated underneath Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth (see below) for one reason and one reason only (spoiler alert: it's not a great reason, but whatever). So Dennis and Mac want to buy a boat, and obviously they buy the world's shittiest boat. They get Charlie and Dee and Frank to clean it up for them. Obviously they do the world's shittiest job. Dennis talks about the reason why he wants a boat; Mac is sure he's confessing a crime to him. Dee dances like those inflatable windsocks you see at used car lots.

3. Dee Reynolds: Shaping America's Youth (aka the one with Lethal Weapon 5)
Season 6, Episode 9
All you need to know about this episode is that Mac and Dennis film a sequel to Lethal Weapon and it is INCREDIBLE. 

2. Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person (aka the Nightman episode)
Season 3, Episode 9
On the whole, the idea of Dee dating someone that she's constantly trying to prove is/isn't retarded is great. The cut between the first scene and the title card is the best one of the whole series. However, it's the introduction to Charlie's creation Nightman and Dayman and The Gang starting a rock-and-roll band that makes this episode one of the tightest, funniest episodes of television I have ever seen. Dennis and Charlie and Mac decided to start a band (why no, after all - Dee's retarded boyfriend is a musician) and it's obviously going to be just terrible. I love where everyone goes when they think of stage personas. I love that no one is good at music. I love the name The Pecan Sandies. But there is nothing greater than the scene where Charlie is sitting on his couch in his long-johns with silver spray paint all over his face, singing the song he wrote, while Dennis sings along and quietly removes the can from his hand, shaking his head "No". I have watched that scene more times than I can count. Almost every day I say "What isssssss....going on here". Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

1. The Gang Reignites the Rivalry (aka the one about Flipadelphia)
Season 5, Episode 12
Not many people would put Flipadelphia first. I'm okay with that.  The thing that I like the most about this episode is how they're always willing to keep the characters so terrible that they're willing to almost kill one of the gang to make a point. Case study: Years prior, The Gang is kicked out of an annual flip cup tournament. The ban is finally lifted, so they request a showdown with their rival bar (which is now a fancy wine establishment). They proceed to move on to a frat house instead and challenge them to flip cup. Someone gets poisoned. That's all I'm saying. It's terrific.

1.12.2012

The Slots of Las Vegas

Despite not being a big drinker, gambler, hooker sex haver, or David Copperfield fan, going to Las Vegas was one of those things I felt like I needed to do once in my life. I had heard it described many different ways from people, ranging from "the most fun you'll ever have in your whole life" to "the worst place in the entire world". I'd say my experience rated somewhere in between. I went with someone I liked and could have fun with, so it didn't matter if it was totally bogus, because we'd still managed to find things to make fun of. Look, there are some cool things about Las Vegas: you can drink wherever you want, drinks are cheap, buffets are plentiful and delicious, lots of shiny things to look at, and...uh...that's really it. The buffets. That's the only reason you should go. Oh, and they have a decent Target right in town. Oh my god, what am I saying? I am the un-coolest.

Whatever, I'm over it. Since there's nothing to do at night in Las Vegas (except for see "shows", which is code for "you are going to pay $200 to see lipsynching/water acrobatics/crappy magicians/Holly Madison") besides getting drunk and shouting "VEGAS, BABY!!", we decided to wander through every hotel to see which ones were cool and which ones were lame. SPOILERS AHEAD: They're all lame. Every single hotel looks amazing from the outside, and then you go indoors and it's like you're in a shitty strip mall. The only thing that's actually really fun is going inside the Paris hotel and repeating "Oh my god, it's like I'm in Paris!" over and over again. Trust me, you're not in Paris. You're not even in Paris, Texas (I WISH). In the event you were curious, yes - we did go inside New York, New York hotel and go on that roller coaster through "Manhattan" which should really be re-named "CONDEMNED ROLLERCOASTER". There was a sign outside that said "Must be 54" to ride. Hours of operation are subject to weather conditions and other circumstances which may suspend service. In the event of very high winds or very low temperatures, the ride will be closed". Can you guess what the weather was like when we rode it at 9pm? Let's put it this way - my hair was tied back and I was wearing my winter coat. I was sure I was about to die, which is super depressing when you think about ways to die. In Vegas? I'd feel terrible for my parents; imagine having to explain to people how your child died? "She's no longer with us. In November, she died in a freak rollercoaster accident on the New York New York ride in Las Vegas. No, we're not seeking legal recourse; there were 100mph winds and it was 0 degrees Celsius. She rode at her own risk." Not exactly something to write on a tombstone.

One of the things I liked the most about Las Vegas was the slot machines. Gone are the days of the one-armed bandit; now they all look like those crappy video lottery terminals in shady bars that gambling addicts get hooked on. None of them are cherry or bell-based anymore either - everything is cartoony and has weird characters and there are lots of theme ones, but not cool theme ones. I saw many The Hangover slot machines which was, in a word, depressing. The majority of the slot machines I saw sounded like names for strip clubs. What's that, you say? You'd like to see pictures? Here we go!

Magic Woods would be a men's strip club with a Sherwood Forest theme. Throbbin' Hood and his Hairy Men (Friar Fuck, Little Big John). Or maybe like a Sword in the Stone theme?

Full Moon Diamond reminds me so much of when Serena turns into Sailor Moon. Also it sounds like Engrish: "Place treasured coin into acceptance slot so as to play top quality luck game, Full Moon Diamond! May your luck shine!"

Obviously Jewels of India would be all Bollywood'ed up, but like everything, time would take its toll on Jewels, and before you know it it would be staffed entirely by white girls named Jazmin.

Oh wow, this feels...very racist. I don't really want to make a joke about China Mystery because it feels like something that should have never been greenlit, but if I had to...well, so be it. China Mystery sounds like an STD you'd get from an unlicensed massage parlor.

Siberian Storm could be the strip club that exists in that fancy ice hotel (I shouldn't have to provide a link because EVERYONE has seen that fancy ice hotel. I think it's in Sweden. I DON'T CARE EITHER WAY).

Must...not...make...joke...about...obese...strippers...

Why are those dwarves pointing at me? Why are their crotches covered? Why do their little hats look like condoms? What do they plan on 'blasting'? What does the shape of a barrel have to do with anything? Why is that one on the right wearing protective splash-back goggles?

Lil' Lady. Not so much a stripper-y game so much as just an odd way to market a slot. I get that it's bug themed, I really do. But let's play devil's advocate for a second and pretend you can't see the bugs. Does Lil' Lady not seem a bit...pedo-y? Could they not have called it Lucky Lady and still gone with the ladybug theme? That lady ladybug is wearing some pretty whorey makeup too, which leads me to believe she hasn't been using it for very long. I think this game is about an underage ladybug. Holy shit, I just figured it all out: any guy who sits down at Lil' Lady and plays it for longer than 5 minutes gets a free visit from Chris Hansen and Dateline NBC. NAILED IT. It's a pervert tester.

Black Widow: Where the strippers seduce you, begin a dedicated long-term monogamous relationship with you, pledge their love to you through respect, kindness, and faithfulness, quit their job as a stripper because all they want is to "stay at home and raise your kids", wait for you to propose, spend 10 months planning their dream wedding, encourage you to both sign up for extensive life-insurance policies, invest in a low-interest home mortgage on a fixer-upper, trade in your sportscar for something with less mileage, and then KILL YOU AND COLLECT THE INSURANCE MONEY AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT RUBE.

"Show Dogs, home of the ugliest women on the strip! These dogs will give you a bone! Show Dogs, where it always smells like over-used indoor wee-wee-pads! These mutts are used by the police to sniff out horny dudes! Show Dogs! Let them sit in your lap (for $10). These puppies can't eat people food, so put the wieners away, guys. Show Dogs! Be careful, some of them have fleas due to poor grooming habits. Show Dogs, where inconsistent training methods have left us with some of the unruliest beasts this side of The Dog Whisperer with Caesar Millan. They might bite you, but only because they're crazy. If you get bit, call your doctor and ask for a syringe filled with the most potent penicillin money can buy. SHOW DOGS! Open till 2am."

White Orchid aka Ghost Pussy (It's haaaauuuuunted!).

Add another R in Forest, and I'm sure that's at least 400 registered names in the state of Florida.


Graceful Lotus. What. The. Holy. Fuck. Is this another Indian-themed slot machine? At least this one is a little less culturally-insensitive than Jewels of India (is it even?) This doesn't actually sound like a strip club; it sounds like a respectful, demure escort service. "Here at Graceful Lotus, we make sure to use as much care as Vishnu's many arms to ensure you are always satisfied. Service, Elegance, and Class: that's the Graceful Lotus difference. OUTCALLS ONLY."

1.11.2012

MURRICAN FOOD!!!

Hey friends! Okay, so I was going through some pictures of my trip to 'Murrica from last month and realized I hadn't written about two really great parts about my trip (food and slot machines). Also, I think I want to make that a t-shirt - Food & Slot Machines. Because really, if you had to think of a better slogan for Vegas, can you think of something that defines that place more than food and slots? Exactly. It's just a sea of endless buffets and penny slots (U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!)

Moving on. I need to stress to you that this Murrican Food post isn't going to be as lengthy as they have been in the past, and there is a good reason for that. The short answer is this: people in California eat like normal human beings. I KNOW HOW BIZARRE THIS MUST SEEM TO YOU. For real though, their grocery stores and Targets are sort of like Canadian ones, where there isn't the gross amount of Doritos flavours or its-basically-dessert yogurts. Sure, they still have Murrican food, but it's not like Florida, where you have an entire wall dedicated to Oreos. So I scoured the food sections of better Targets and gas station snack aisles and have 3 unique food items to present to you.



Fudge Covered Ritz
You know a foodstuff is so totally American when you are both appalled and interested. This is how I felt about Fudge Covered Ritz (also - off topic - but is it a legal thing that they can't say Chocolate-covered Ritz? Why is it always Fudge-covered? It's not fudge! Fudge is dense and blocky and you get slices of it cut at the fair. You don't melt it down and coat things in fudge. I need to further investigate this. Someone get Keith Morrison on the line). At first I was like "Wow. Only Americans would need their crackers dipped in chocolate because they dip everything in chocolate and it's not enough for them to spray tons of Cheez-Whiz on Ritz and stuff them with fake peanut butter" and then common sense slapped me across the face and said "those look god-damned delicious and you'd be a liar if you said otherwise". TRUTH! Chocolate-covered Ritz crackers? Count me in! I really should have bought a box (regrets).

Sugar Cookie Pop Tarts
And next up on our Foods That Were Surely Forged in the Pits of Hell tour. I mean, really Pop Tarts, are you out of ideas already that you're now just making the filling what the outside is? The shell of a Pop Tart is essentially a sugar cookie (a shitty sugar cookie, but tomato-tomahto, people). I don't see how this would be enjoyable; sugar cookies, in their most basic form, are a vehicle for icing and decorations. Nobody goes "Yum! Plain sugar cookies! Make mine undecorated!" Plus a sugar cookie is dry; how could you make a warm, gooey filling from a dry substance? Pop Tarts have a very standard, easy to follow formula: dry pastry outside, warm jam filling inside, sometimes a sheet of frosting on the exterior for cosmetic purposes. The Sugar Cookie Pop Tart defies all decent snacking laws: pastry outside, warm gooey sugar cookie filling inside (so what then, an eggy sweet custard? Damp cookie dough? TELL ME!!!) and a shitty printed picture on the outside for purposes meant to make me vomit. I do not want to eat this.


Rice Krispie Treats Sheet
I should have put my foot in the picture for scale, I really should have. Then you'd realize you were looking at a nearly 2 feet wide block of Rice Krispie square. I like that it tells you the weight - 2 pounds. That's like an underweight baby. Also, Rice Krispie squares are so light and airy that it's mind boggling to imagine how dense and large you'd need to make a square to have it weigh 2lbs. Fun Fact: This giant sheet of Rice Krispie Treat is ready to serve at your next birthday party, office party, baseball or soccer game, picnic, or Holiday party (aka All By Yourself in the comfort of your own home without the judgmental eyes of family/co-workers)! Second Fun Fact: I found this on the bottom shelf at 7-11 (GROSSSSS).



In and Out Burger
This was the first meal I ate in California, and let me tell you...those fries are fucking disgusting. They tasted like bland matchsticks made from shitty Sunday School construction paper. I've tasted better fries in dreams (and trust me, I have a LOT of food-based night terrors, so I know what I'm talking about). The burger was delicious, I'll give it that. For a fast food chain cheeseburger, this was probably the best. There's a place in Toronto that makes a better shitty flat cheeseburger, but let's pretend it doesn't exist to outsiders, and we'll just say this was amazing and that I can't wait to have another. The drink I got was pink lemonade (nice) but I should have gotten Diet Coke, because Murrican cheese and Diet Coke give me a contact food high so strong it takes a cold shower and a tazer to bring me out of it. To answer two of your questions:
- Yes, that is Christmas wrapping on the burger. It was Santa driving a sleigh over California. Charming.
- Yes, that is a cheeseburger without the meat. I was dining with a vegetarian, and that sandwich is just tomatoes and onions. FAIIIIIIIL.



Bag of Gas Station Snacks
While driving back to Las Vegas from Los Angeles, we stopped at a gas station and bought food to eat before we got on our red-eye flight. Quick - name the worst combination of foods to have sitting in your stomach as you fly 5 hours in the middle of the night? That's right, caramel, spicy chips, and Cactus Cooler. In the event you have no idea what Cactus Cooler is, allow me to explain: if Hell is prison, Cactus Cooler is its pruno (after the wardens piss in it, of course). Cactus Cooler is like weak watered down soda, like flat pop. The main flavours are orange (like the crappy orange drink you'd get from McDonalds after your team loses their soccer game) and pineapple (like if someone murdered Ananas from Téléfrançais and harvested his body for juice). Look, I'm making it sound totally disgusting, but if you were 4 hours away from a midnight flight to Toronto, you'd be chugging watery pineapple-orange drank too.
PS - Those Sabritos haven't been eaten yet, which means when they do get eaten, they're going to be stale as hayyyyyyull.

1.09.2012

A post wherein I talk about Beyonce's "baby" and do everything I can to dance around the legalities of internet slander.


This weekend I was greeted with the news that Beyonce (no I will not add that bogus accent to the E) Knowles and Jay-Z "gave birth" to a baby girl. Beyonce "checked herself in" to a hospital. Question: Is it even considered a hospital if no birth is even happening? I mean, really - she and Jay-Z just met at a check point. If this was a Craigslist transaction, they would have met the birth mother at the bus station or in the washroom near the Old Navy at the mall (which is where I like all my shady Craigslist dealings to go down. Lots of people/witnesses).

So anyways, Beyonce packed a bag full of her favourite "birthing clothes" (aka A metric tonne of hush money), loaded up Mama Knowles and her jacked wigs into the car and sailed into a rented floor of a hospital. No, I won't be fact-checking which hospital it was. Does it matter? Nothing medical happened this weekend. Fuck, they probably wouldn't have needed to change the bedding if it weren't for Gwyneth Paltrow being there, getting high off her own supply (of farts, cause you know that snobby bitch loves the smell of her own farts). Ugh, I just hate how dedicated to the charade they are that the rent out a whole floor of a hospital to play "pretend baby birth" when they could have just faked the whole thing at home with a pretend midwife. Why go to all the trouble? I mean, we all know that "baby" that was "living" in Beyonce's pooch was nothing more than foam, polyester fill, and velcro straps.

Oh, and PS Beyonce - you had a scheduled C-Section? Church Lady sez: How conveeeeenient. Know what else starts with C? Cash, conspiracy, child-that-didn't-come-from-you, Colombia (where the birth mother is from? I'm grasping at straws here). You wanna prove you had that baby?? SHOW US DEM SCARS. Oh, you won't? Because they don't exist. Exactly. No no, don't worry about it. It's not like your made-up story about a C-Section is now physical proof that you had a child, and if you don't have a massive C-Section scar, then you made the whole story up. Shoulda said you had a natural birth! Whoops! Remember that for next time (also something to remember for next time: don't go on TV with a shitty fake baby-bump pillow that deflates the minute you sit down. LEARN).

The thing I'm looking most forward to is waiting a few months and trying to figure out who that baby looks like. I'm going to guess...NEITHER OF THEM. I'm going to guess that Blue Ivy or Ivy Blue (or whatever this bought-and-paid Kijiji baby is named) is going to look a) not like Jay-Z and b) way too perfect (because obviously Beyonce is a shallow bitch who wants a baby with perfect hair and perfect skin and looking like a toddlers and tiaras child with glitter and makeup and 4" heels).

The biggest question here is: WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE ABOUT THIS?!?! Seriously - I should not give a shit. And the worst part is, I don't hate Beyonce. Homegirl does A LOT to make it difficult for me to hate her. Please see this, this, and this, and tell me a small part of you went "yeah, okay, she's pretty awesome". Right?!?! It's the worst! I'm trying so hard to get the truth out about Beyonce's "fake" pregnancy and "fake" birth and there's a little part about me that's going "Chill out bitch. If she wanna fake a baby because she don't wanna lose that body, let her fake-a-baby all she want". So conflicted. Being a Beyonce Birther is tough work. Regardless, do you ever think the baby's real mom will ever come forward with the truth? Do you think that the money will never be enough and she'll sell her story to TMZ or something and try to get fame-rich? Do you think I'll eventually move on to another weird celebrity conspiracy theory? God, I hope so, cause this Beyonce one is killing me.

1.03.2012

Welcome to 2012, End of Days!

I swear that will be my last End of Days joke for a while. I need to think of some better 2012 jokes than just run-of-the-mill Mayan Calendar stuff, but it's difficult to find time between cheeseburgers and continuing my sworn dedication to the Beyonce birther movement (as in Yeah right that bitch is birthing a baby. More like pulling out the pillow and cutting a cheque for some serious hush-money to a Honduran woman). But I digress.

I was doing some thinking on what I wanted my New Years Resolution to be. I always make tons, and never end up doing them (see: Stand-up comedy, drawing more) but this will be the year I make attainable goals! Goals that I, the laziest fucking human-sloth, can accomplish with even the most minimal effort. Here we go! Here is what I plan on doing this year:

Trying New FoodsThis one is exciting for me, since I have a super limited palate. Basically I'm ultra-boring and don't eat anything unless it's meaty, cheesy, or a Pizza Hut pizza with the meaty-cheesy stuffed-crust. I was trying to think up foods I haven't ever eaten (or have eaten, literally, once in my life) and I came out sounding like Charlie on It's Always Sunny ("I've never eaten a pear"). Here's what I plan on trying this year (oh yes, I will blog about it. The internet is nothing but a place for people to post pictures of their meals, amirite?)
- Mangoes
- Tofu
- Ethiopian Food (I just do not even know what it is, but it sounds like it will give me searing hot diarrhea)
- Bok Choy
- Mushroom soup (I haven't willingly eaten this since I was about 7)
- Any kind of mushroom that isn't the small round white kind
- Eggplant
- Plaintains
- French Onion Soup
- Artichoke (the kind from the grocery store, not the delicious kind that comes in a jar filled with vinegar and oil)
- Soba noodles
- Prawns
- Roasted Garlic
- Leeks
- Fiddleheads
- "Roasted Vegetables" (I know this sounds weird, but anything that is ever advertised as having roasted vegetables, I steer clear of. I have never had that gross mix of roasted zucchini, peppers, and onions anywhere near my mouth).
- Almond Milk
- Nut Butters (I've only ever eaten peanut butter. I mean, really, why would I eat anything but?)
- Tequila (I've never tried tequila. It seems gross to me)
- Margarine (I've eaten this once)
- Marmite/Vegemite
- Strawberry syrup for milk
- Yellow Peppers (I've eaten orange and red, so I'm assuming it will be similar)

Obviously I'll come up with more, but for the most part, I'm super picky when it comes to food. Considering I've only been eating avocados for 3 years, this should be interesting (aka I might barf).

Drawing Comics
I draw a lot, and a lot of my funniest jokes can be worked into small stories. I think I'm going to draw some more short things for the internet.


Finally Watching Friday Night Lights
Seriously, can you think of another lame network drama that people are so unashamed to love? For the longest time I was referring to it as 7th One Tree Hill Heaven: Football Years, which I know is wrong (or is it? They are super religious, right? Or maybe just focus-on-the-family-ish? But it's about teenagers? I have no fucking clue). Whatever, the point is, FNL seems like the kind of show I could get in to. As well, smart people and people with good taste in television seem to like FNL with the fury of a thousand teenage acne explosions (ew) and I am usually pretty trusting of other people's opinions.

Get back into ArcherI really let this one drop off, and I'm ashamed. Archer is such a good show and you all know how huge of a boner I have for Jon Benjamin, plus I don't hate Aisha Tyler anymore (it wasn't her fault she did The Santa Clause 2 & 3, she just had a crummy agent). Long story booooorrinng, Archer will be up next on my Netflix (aka I keep going to my local DVD rental and begging them to buy a new copy to replace the one that keeps getting stolen because I have no internet and therefore, ipso facto, have no Netflix).

Get Regular Haircuts
This seems like a dumb resolution, but I only ever get about 2 hair cuts a year and my hair looks like a discount "Rocker Grunge Girl" wig (dance around the description all you want, WigCraft, but we know you're talking about Courtney Love) at a off-highway Halloween Superstore. So this year I'm going to cut my hair every 6 weeks. When did I get so boring? Oh shit, DON'T ANSWER THAT. I can't handle your truth.