84th Annual Academy Award Nomin-awww, who gives a shit?

So, it's that time again; Christmas morning for film nerds. This morning the Oscar nominations were announced by Jennifer "Imma kill it in Hunger Games" Lawrence and some old guy. Sorry! Don't have time to Google his name, we have movies to talk about! Lots and lots of great films! Terrific, wonderful - WAIT, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close was nominated for Best Picture? Oh shit, I take it back. When I said "great films" I really should have said "mediocre 9/11 movies with Sandy Bullock and some kid who looks like he has assburgers". Moving on. So here is what we're dealing with this year. One caveat: I am not gonna rip on all the movies listed, because there are some I'm really really excited about.

Okay, so first let's talk about Supporting Actors and Actresses aka the bras of the acting world (what? Exactly. See above gif).

Kenneth Branagh (My Week With Marilyn)
- I still haven't seen this movie a) because I'm lazy and b) I don't like Marilyn Monroe. SORRY! She was the ScarJo of the 50s. I was talking to someone at work about this and we both agreed that if she hadn't died, she would be 80 and covered in plastic surgery and married 10 times and would, basically, be Zsa Zsa Gabor. Anyways, Kenneth Branagh is good and everything, but he's not going to win. 
Jonah Hill (Moneyball)
- Whatup shawty? Lemme holla at chu a second, boy. How you doin, Poppa Waffles? I ain't seen you 'round much, ever since you got your nose surgically attached to Brad Pitt's ass. Why you gotta play me like that, boo? I ain't good enough for you? Aww, I'm sorry. Homie, you know I don't play like dat. Gimme a call when you need a date to the Oscars. Naw, you ain't gon win, but we'll go to IHOP after the ceremony anyways. XO - The Mayor.
Nick Nolte (Warrior)
- Nick fucking Nolte?? Oh boy, he's not going to win, but imagine if he actually shows up?!?! PS - if you want to hear something funny, find the Superego episode with John C. Reilly, Don Dimelo, and Nick Nolte. It's terrible (terribly funny, that is). Oh, and I'll say it now: is Nick Nolte the new Mickey Rourke? Everybody loves a comeback.
Christopher Plummer (Beginners)
- Done! Give Captain Von Trapp the award and be done with it (also I just like to see Canadians win).
Max von Sydow (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)
- I know he's not, but his name sounds like something I heard in high school history class while learning about Nazis. I cannot be the only one here, right?

Berenice Bejo (The Artist)
- Did not see! Do not know! Me no care!
Jessica Chastain (The Help)
- I know she's a good actress and everything, but I heard an interview with her recently and she is SO insufferable. She's definitely one of those people who refers to acting as "her craft". EW. Just barfed in my mouth.
Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids)
- She isn't going to win. Sorry! Oscars don't go to funny people. I'd like her to win, but she won't. 
Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs)
- Who? Even after Googling, I'm like "really...WHO?"
Octavia Spencer (The Help)
- She will probably get it. I heard she's really good, and from the clips I've seen on YouTube, she's enjoyable. Although...I don't wanna get all MLK Day on you guys...but doesn't it feel a little unsettling that there are two women of colour nominated and they're both for maid characters? Me no likey. I mean, obviously The Help is a good movie; it just sucks that when black actresses get nominated it's for maid parts or shitty welfare queen parts (Precious), or 2 minutes of screen time (Doubt). Crap, can Hollywood catch up to the rest of the world please? End rant. I'll go back to fart jokes now.

Speaking of stinky room-clearers, here are the nominees for most likely to do that weird prayer-hands/mouthing the words 'thank you' when their names are called:

Demian Bichir (A Better Life)
- I'd like your first name better if it was spelled with an A instead of an E, but it is pretty hot that your last name sounds like 'bitchier', so...you're a winner to me. 
George Clooney (The Descendants)
- DEAR LORD NO. This man doesn't need another circle jerk in his honor. He will probably win for that fucking Lilo & Stitch Have a Crisis movie.
Jean Dujardin (The Artist)
- He is super adorable. If he wins, I hope he brings the dog on stage. 
Gary Oldman (Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy)
Brad Pitt (Moneyball)
- Am I way off base for saying that Brad Pitt is not a good actor? Like, he really isn't, right? I'm not wrong. Maybe it's because any time I think of Brad Pitt I think of him in Thelma & Louise where he's teaching Thelma how to rob a store and he's using the hairdryer as a pretend gun. That's...embarrassing.

Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs)
- How cute is Glenn Close, btw? I think she's the greatest. Alex Forrest, respect. She might get this, actually.
Viola Davis (The Help)
- Damn, homegirl can act the shit out of anything. I love Viola Davis. Here's a fun game: find any picture of her and tell me it doesn't look like her skin is being lit from within. She glows. She's a human with glowing, radiant skin. I love her to bits, but she's not going to win this. 
Rooney Mara (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo)
Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady)
- Bitch, pick out a good dress, cause I don't wanna see you crawl on stage wearing any two-piece mother-of-the-bride get-ups. You leave that drapey, tent-y shit at home. 
Michelle Williams (My Week With Marilyn)

War Horse
-  It's about the war. It's about a horse. I liked Seabiscuit better.
The Artist
-  I sort of hope this wins. Anything to prevent The Decendants from winning, and I feel like a different movie would be good. What am I talking about? I just wanna see that dog get on stage.
- Oh, the baseball movie that isn't Field of Dreams? Right. NEXT!
The Descendants
- It will probably win because there is one group of people that runs Hollywood and they are...George Clooney Lovers. And yes, I haven't seen it; what of it. I don't need to see the movie about a rich white old guy from tv's ER who lives in Hawaii and has 'pwoblems' to know that I won't like it.
The Tree of Life
- Maybe?

Midnight in Paris
- Remember Drillbit Taylor? You, Me, and Dupree? Shanghai Noon? Exactly. Just thought I'd remind you.
The Help
- This definitely won't win, but I'm glad to see people liking it. It's nice to have a movie with a solid female cast that isn't Sex and the City 3: 2-Hour Shoe Commercial.
- Maybe? I'd be okay with that.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
- BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Now that that's out of the way, let's take a look at some figures. I'll direct you to my PowerPoint presentation I've set up.
IMDB rating: 6.2/10
A.V. Club rating: F
Metacritic rating: 46/100
Basically, what we have here is something that should be nominated for a Razzie, not an Oscar. I mean, this sounds like a total pile of shit. WTF? How was this nominated? You mean to tell me EL&IC was better than The Muppets? DON'T TELL ME THAT.

- I'm really glad to see The Muppets nominated for best Original Song. It's going to win, for sure, which means that we're going to have Bret McKenzie and Jason Segel on stage (and maybe Amy Adams? And maybe Muppets?!?!?!?)
- There isn't an Animated Feature I'm really rooting for this year, but if I had to pick one, I'd say Rango. I mean, I'd love for Puss in Boots to win, but that's just because it is Beverly Hills Chihuahua with cats.
- Documentaries is a snore-fest this year. The only one I really know is Pina, and I know it because I refused to see it (sorry, but I just cannot embrace modern dance).
- I'm psyched about the Foreign Language Film category. I still want to see A Separation and Monsieur Lazhar (which is from Canada - aka Quebec, where all of our Foreign Language Entries come from).
- Kristen Wiig got nominated for Original Screenplay because...? Really, I'd like to know. I hated Juno, but at least I can admit it deserved that Original Screenplay Oscar that Diablo Cody got. Ugh, whatever, send all your hate-mail to skipraid@gmail.com

The 84th Annual Academy Awards will be broadcast on February 26th, 2012. I'll probably live-blog the whole thing because I'll be in Chicago and, really, what does one do on a Sunday night in February in Chicago? Right, pizza eating.


SJM said...

I'm going to save you some time and tell you to skip the Artist. That dog is cute, but the plot is contrived, and it's like they just made it silent because they realized the movie was too simple. However, I did see the Descendants after MUCH hesitation because who really cares if rich people cheat on each other while dying? I will say that I really liked it though. I hate myself so much for that. I am too scared now to watch Moneyball because I could not give two shits about Brad Pitt, but I feel that way about George Clooney too. What if I love Moneyball???? Rant over.

Renee said...

I can't even tell anymore if you and I have the exact same opinions about movies, or if I just want to be you, so I don't even know that you're changing my mind. If I wrote a screenplay based around that premise, and it starred George Clooney and Sandra Bullock, it would get a nomination. But mostly only because I'm blind, and the Academy loves disabilities.

The Mayor said...

SJM: I'm not skipping The Artist till my mom watches it and tells me to skip it. She's in this fancy films club and they're seeing The Artist this week. If she says its good, then I'm watching it. I will probably end up seeing The Descendants, but I make no promises regarding whether or not I'll still totally hate it (imagine if I like it too??). I also know it's sort of okay to like Moneyball, because it's based on a true story and not something Brangelina made up.

Renee: Look, we're clearly the same person. If I start going blind too, then this is some X-Files shit, and we need to get to a witchdoctor.
Also, re: your movie. Clooney, Bullock, people with the same mind and ideas that live worlds apart, blindness, set it during...9/11 maybe? The recession? It's almost a winner, but you're missing something. That something is a charming child actor. Get a kid in it, and you've got yourself an oscar.

c.poir said...

dean pelton half wrote the descendants.... so it can't be that bad. also, SIRIUS BLACK FOR THE WIN.