Is This the Name of a Real Candle or Just Some Shit I Made Up?

I rip on a lot of dumb girl things: hair extensions, high heels, going to the gym. I think it's because I see them as stereotypical and common. Don't have any outside interest? Go to the gym a million times a day and talk about it with anyone who will listen. Need to feel constantly 'pretty' while at the same time severely limiting your mobility? Wear 5" heels to an amusement park. So while I try my hardest to be above bullshit like that, there is one dumb girl thing that I am totally obsessed with:

Scented candles.

I love scented candles. I like ones that smell like perfume and ones that smell like baking and ones that smell like candy and pine trees and beaches filled with seashells. My house is nice, and yet I junk it up with no less than 10 huge glass jars from Bath and Body Works. My home doesn't smell bad without candles; I don't know why then I feel the need to make it smell like Caribbean Escape. I don't understand. I wasn't raised around candles (my mother was afraid we'd burn our house down) and I'm certainly not into Glade air fresheners or sprays or Febreeze or anything. But as long as I have something to burn and make my house smell like cider/gingerale/fresh leather, I am so beyond happy. And yes, I know that lighting a shit-ton of candles is dangerous; obviously I've had accidents where hair has come a little too close to a flame and singed off a few inches. WHO HASN'T? And yes, my house looks like there is a permanent seance going on at all times. WHAT OF IT? Enough about me being the Crazy Cat Lady of candles. Here's my point:

I've noticed that, like nail polish, naming conventions for candles can be classified somewhere between 'cheesy' and 'embarrassing'. It's terrible. Just call the candle what it smells like. Vanilla. Apples. No Smell. Don't call it something like Soft Blanket or Cherries on Snow ("Ah Christmas...chestnuts roasting on the fire, jack frost decorating your windows, cherries scattered amongst the snow like splattered blood from a careless drive-by shooter"). I thought it would be fun to play a game called Is This the Name of a Real Candle or Just Some Shit I Made Up? It's easy; all you need to do is read through the list of candle names and guess which ones are real candle names and which ones were arbitrarily made up by me. It's the game that's sweeping the nation! Not really, but just for a second pretend that guessing candle names isn't a complete and utter waste of time. Okay, GO!

Garden Hideaway
Midnight Cove
Cottage Breeze
Midwinter's Cameltoe
Mountain Lake
Sunset Cheddar
Intimate Backscratch
Christmas Wreath
Secret Itch
Damp Sleeping Bag 
Mrs. Claus' Cookies
Crippling Silence
Papa's Moustache
Deep Sadness Sunrise
Springtime Tulip Parade
Adult Acne Splendor
Sparkling Skintag 
Crystal Meth Mist
Surprise Rash
Daddy's Denial
Motionless Cat
Crisp Model Airplane Glue
Pending Adoption
Beef Taco Siesta
Fire Damage
Lover's Shuffle
Discount Rectal Exam
Citrus Waltz
Christoph Waltz
Rose Petal Terrace
Shimmering Sweatpants
Secret Boner

1 comment:

rose said...

i know you're going to hate this, but i'm doing it anyways:

you’ve been awarded “the versatile blogger award” come check it out: