1.11.2012

MURRICAN FOOD!!!

Hey friends! Okay, so I was going through some pictures of my trip to 'Murrica from last month and realized I hadn't written about two really great parts about my trip (food and slot machines). Also, I think I want to make that a t-shirt - Food & Slot Machines. Because really, if you had to think of a better slogan for Vegas, can you think of something that defines that place more than food and slots? Exactly. It's just a sea of endless buffets and penny slots (U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!)

Moving on. I need to stress to you that this Murrican Food post isn't going to be as lengthy as they have been in the past, and there is a good reason for that. The short answer is this: people in California eat like normal human beings. I KNOW HOW BIZARRE THIS MUST SEEM TO YOU. For real though, their grocery stores and Targets are sort of like Canadian ones, where there isn't the gross amount of Doritos flavours or its-basically-dessert yogurts. Sure, they still have Murrican food, but it's not like Florida, where you have an entire wall dedicated to Oreos. So I scoured the food sections of better Targets and gas station snack aisles and have 3 unique food items to present to you.



Fudge Covered Ritz
You know a foodstuff is so totally American when you are both appalled and interested. This is how I felt about Fudge Covered Ritz (also - off topic - but is it a legal thing that they can't say Chocolate-covered Ritz? Why is it always Fudge-covered? It's not fudge! Fudge is dense and blocky and you get slices of it cut at the fair. You don't melt it down and coat things in fudge. I need to further investigate this. Someone get Keith Morrison on the line). At first I was like "Wow. Only Americans would need their crackers dipped in chocolate because they dip everything in chocolate and it's not enough for them to spray tons of Cheez-Whiz on Ritz and stuff them with fake peanut butter" and then common sense slapped me across the face and said "those look god-damned delicious and you'd be a liar if you said otherwise". TRUTH! Chocolate-covered Ritz crackers? Count me in! I really should have bought a box (regrets).

Sugar Cookie Pop Tarts
And next up on our Foods That Were Surely Forged in the Pits of Hell tour. I mean, really Pop Tarts, are you out of ideas already that you're now just making the filling what the outside is? The shell of a Pop Tart is essentially a sugar cookie (a shitty sugar cookie, but tomato-tomahto, people). I don't see how this would be enjoyable; sugar cookies, in their most basic form, are a vehicle for icing and decorations. Nobody goes "Yum! Plain sugar cookies! Make mine undecorated!" Plus a sugar cookie is dry; how could you make a warm, gooey filling from a dry substance? Pop Tarts have a very standard, easy to follow formula: dry pastry outside, warm jam filling inside, sometimes a sheet of frosting on the exterior for cosmetic purposes. The Sugar Cookie Pop Tart defies all decent snacking laws: pastry outside, warm gooey sugar cookie filling inside (so what then, an eggy sweet custard? Damp cookie dough? TELL ME!!!) and a shitty printed picture on the outside for purposes meant to make me vomit. I do not want to eat this.


Rice Krispie Treats Sheet
I should have put my foot in the picture for scale, I really should have. Then you'd realize you were looking at a nearly 2 feet wide block of Rice Krispie square. I like that it tells you the weight - 2 pounds. That's like an underweight baby. Also, Rice Krispie squares are so light and airy that it's mind boggling to imagine how dense and large you'd need to make a square to have it weigh 2lbs. Fun Fact: This giant sheet of Rice Krispie Treat is ready to serve at your next birthday party, office party, baseball or soccer game, picnic, or Holiday party (aka All By Yourself in the comfort of your own home without the judgmental eyes of family/co-workers)! Second Fun Fact: I found this on the bottom shelf at 7-11 (GROSSSSS).



In and Out Burger
This was the first meal I ate in California, and let me tell you...those fries are fucking disgusting. They tasted like bland matchsticks made from shitty Sunday School construction paper. I've tasted better fries in dreams (and trust me, I have a LOT of food-based night terrors, so I know what I'm talking about). The burger was delicious, I'll give it that. For a fast food chain cheeseburger, this was probably the best. There's a place in Toronto that makes a better shitty flat cheeseburger, but let's pretend it doesn't exist to outsiders, and we'll just say this was amazing and that I can't wait to have another. The drink I got was pink lemonade (nice) but I should have gotten Diet Coke, because Murrican cheese and Diet Coke give me a contact food high so strong it takes a cold shower and a tazer to bring me out of it. To answer two of your questions:
- Yes, that is Christmas wrapping on the burger. It was Santa driving a sleigh over California. Charming.
- Yes, that is a cheeseburger without the meat. I was dining with a vegetarian, and that sandwich is just tomatoes and onions. FAIIIIIIIL.



Bag of Gas Station Snacks
While driving back to Las Vegas from Los Angeles, we stopped at a gas station and bought food to eat before we got on our red-eye flight. Quick - name the worst combination of foods to have sitting in your stomach as you fly 5 hours in the middle of the night? That's right, caramel, spicy chips, and Cactus Cooler. In the event you have no idea what Cactus Cooler is, allow me to explain: if Hell is prison, Cactus Cooler is its pruno (after the wardens piss in it, of course). Cactus Cooler is like weak watered down soda, like flat pop. The main flavours are orange (like the crappy orange drink you'd get from McDonalds after your team loses their soccer game) and pineapple (like if someone murdered Ananas from Téléfrançais and harvested his body for juice). Look, I'm making it sound totally disgusting, but if you were 4 hours away from a midnight flight to Toronto, you'd be chugging watery pineapple-orange drank too.
PS - Those Sabritos haven't been eaten yet, which means when they do get eaten, they're going to be stale as hayyyyyyull.

1 comment:

SJM said...

IMO In & Out is good but slightly overrated. Next time you are in Texas, try a Whataburger bc it is SO much better and they have onion rings too.