1.09.2012

A post wherein I talk about Beyonce's "baby" and do everything I can to dance around the legalities of internet slander.


This weekend I was greeted with the news that Beyonce (no I will not add that bogus accent to the E) Knowles and Jay-Z "gave birth" to a baby girl. Beyonce "checked herself in" to a hospital. Question: Is it even considered a hospital if no birth is even happening? I mean, really - she and Jay-Z just met at a check point. If this was a Craigslist transaction, they would have met the birth mother at the bus station or in the washroom near the Old Navy at the mall (which is where I like all my shady Craigslist dealings to go down. Lots of people/witnesses).

So anyways, Beyonce packed a bag full of her favourite "birthing clothes" (aka A metric tonne of hush money), loaded up Mama Knowles and her jacked wigs into the car and sailed into a rented floor of a hospital. No, I won't be fact-checking which hospital it was. Does it matter? Nothing medical happened this weekend. Fuck, they probably wouldn't have needed to change the bedding if it weren't for Gwyneth Paltrow being there, getting high off her own supply (of farts, cause you know that snobby bitch loves the smell of her own farts). Ugh, I just hate how dedicated to the charade they are that the rent out a whole floor of a hospital to play "pretend baby birth" when they could have just faked the whole thing at home with a pretend midwife. Why go to all the trouble? I mean, we all know that "baby" that was "living" in Beyonce's pooch was nothing more than foam, polyester fill, and velcro straps.

Oh, and PS Beyonce - you had a scheduled C-Section? Church Lady sez: How conveeeeenient. Know what else starts with C? Cash, conspiracy, child-that-didn't-come-from-you, Colombia (where the birth mother is from? I'm grasping at straws here). You wanna prove you had that baby?? SHOW US DEM SCARS. Oh, you won't? Because they don't exist. Exactly. No no, don't worry about it. It's not like your made-up story about a C-Section is now physical proof that you had a child, and if you don't have a massive C-Section scar, then you made the whole story up. Shoulda said you had a natural birth! Whoops! Remember that for next time (also something to remember for next time: don't go on TV with a shitty fake baby-bump pillow that deflates the minute you sit down. LEARN).

The thing I'm looking most forward to is waiting a few months and trying to figure out who that baby looks like. I'm going to guess...NEITHER OF THEM. I'm going to guess that Blue Ivy or Ivy Blue (or whatever this bought-and-paid Kijiji baby is named) is going to look a) not like Jay-Z and b) way too perfect (because obviously Beyonce is a shallow bitch who wants a baby with perfect hair and perfect skin and looking like a toddlers and tiaras child with glitter and makeup and 4" heels).

The biggest question here is: WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE ABOUT THIS?!?! Seriously - I should not give a shit. And the worst part is, I don't hate Beyonce. Homegirl does A LOT to make it difficult for me to hate her. Please see this, this, and this, and tell me a small part of you went "yeah, okay, she's pretty awesome". Right?!?! It's the worst! I'm trying so hard to get the truth out about Beyonce's "fake" pregnancy and "fake" birth and there's a little part about me that's going "Chill out bitch. If she wanna fake a baby because she don't wanna lose that body, let her fake-a-baby all she want". So conflicted. Being a Beyonce Birther is tough work. Regardless, do you ever think the baby's real mom will ever come forward with the truth? Do you think that the money will never be enough and she'll sell her story to TMZ or something and try to get fame-rich? Do you think I'll eventually move on to another weird celebrity conspiracy theory? God, I hope so, cause this Beyonce one is killing me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I totally believe the birth was faked. Child might be genetically theirs thanks to modern science, though.