The Slots of Las Vegas

Despite not being a big drinker, gambler, hooker sex haver, or David Copperfield fan, going to Las Vegas was one of those things I felt like I needed to do once in my life. I had heard it described many different ways from people, ranging from "the most fun you'll ever have in your whole life" to "the worst place in the entire world". I'd say my experience rated somewhere in between. I went with someone I liked and could have fun with, so it didn't matter if it was totally bogus, because we'd still managed to find things to make fun of. Look, there are some cool things about Las Vegas: you can drink wherever you want, drinks are cheap, buffets are plentiful and delicious, lots of shiny things to look at, and...uh...that's really it. The buffets. That's the only reason you should go. Oh, and they have a decent Target right in town. Oh my god, what am I saying? I am the un-coolest.

Whatever, I'm over it. Since there's nothing to do at night in Las Vegas (except for see "shows", which is code for "you are going to pay $200 to see lipsynching/water acrobatics/crappy magicians/Holly Madison") besides getting drunk and shouting "VEGAS, BABY!!", we decided to wander through every hotel to see which ones were cool and which ones were lame. SPOILERS AHEAD: They're all lame. Every single hotel looks amazing from the outside, and then you go indoors and it's like you're in a shitty strip mall. The only thing that's actually really fun is going inside the Paris hotel and repeating "Oh my god, it's like I'm in Paris!" over and over again. Trust me, you're not in Paris. You're not even in Paris, Texas (I WISH). In the event you were curious, yes - we did go inside New York, New York hotel and go on that roller coaster through "Manhattan" which should really be re-named "CONDEMNED ROLLERCOASTER". There was a sign outside that said "Must be 54" to ride. Hours of operation are subject to weather conditions and other circumstances which may suspend service. In the event of very high winds or very low temperatures, the ride will be closed". Can you guess what the weather was like when we rode it at 9pm? Let's put it this way - my hair was tied back and I was wearing my winter coat. I was sure I was about to die, which is super depressing when you think about ways to die. In Vegas? I'd feel terrible for my parents; imagine having to explain to people how your child died? "She's no longer with us. In November, she died in a freak rollercoaster accident on the New York New York ride in Las Vegas. No, we're not seeking legal recourse; there were 100mph winds and it was 0 degrees Celsius. She rode at her own risk." Not exactly something to write on a tombstone.

One of the things I liked the most about Las Vegas was the slot machines. Gone are the days of the one-armed bandit; now they all look like those crappy video lottery terminals in shady bars that gambling addicts get hooked on. None of them are cherry or bell-based anymore either - everything is cartoony and has weird characters and there are lots of theme ones, but not cool theme ones. I saw many The Hangover slot machines which was, in a word, depressing. The majority of the slot machines I saw sounded like names for strip clubs. What's that, you say? You'd like to see pictures? Here we go!

Magic Woods would be a men's strip club with a Sherwood Forest theme. Throbbin' Hood and his Hairy Men (Friar Fuck, Little Big John). Or maybe like a Sword in the Stone theme?

Full Moon Diamond reminds me so much of when Serena turns into Sailor Moon. Also it sounds like Engrish: "Place treasured coin into acceptance slot so as to play top quality luck game, Full Moon Diamond! May your luck shine!"

Obviously Jewels of India would be all Bollywood'ed up, but like everything, time would take its toll on Jewels, and before you know it it would be staffed entirely by white girls named Jazmin.

Oh wow, this feels...very racist. I don't really want to make a joke about China Mystery because it feels like something that should have never been greenlit, but if I had to...well, so be it. China Mystery sounds like an STD you'd get from an unlicensed massage parlor.

Siberian Storm could be the strip club that exists in that fancy ice hotel (I shouldn't have to provide a link because EVERYONE has seen that fancy ice hotel. I think it's in Sweden. I DON'T CARE EITHER WAY).


Why are those dwarves pointing at me? Why are their crotches covered? Why do their little hats look like condoms? What do they plan on 'blasting'? What does the shape of a barrel have to do with anything? Why is that one on the right wearing protective splash-back goggles?

Lil' Lady. Not so much a stripper-y game so much as just an odd way to market a slot. I get that it's bug themed, I really do. But let's play devil's advocate for a second and pretend you can't see the bugs. Does Lil' Lady not seem a bit...pedo-y? Could they not have called it Lucky Lady and still gone with the ladybug theme? That lady ladybug is wearing some pretty whorey makeup too, which leads me to believe she hasn't been using it for very long. I think this game is about an underage ladybug. Holy shit, I just figured it all out: any guy who sits down at Lil' Lady and plays it for longer than 5 minutes gets a free visit from Chris Hansen and Dateline NBC. NAILED IT. It's a pervert tester.

Black Widow: Where the strippers seduce you, begin a dedicated long-term monogamous relationship with you, pledge their love to you through respect, kindness, and faithfulness, quit their job as a stripper because all they want is to "stay at home and raise your kids", wait for you to propose, spend 10 months planning their dream wedding, encourage you to both sign up for extensive life-insurance policies, invest in a low-interest home mortgage on a fixer-upper, trade in your sportscar for something with less mileage, and then KILL YOU AND COLLECT THE INSURANCE MONEY AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT RUBE.

"Show Dogs, home of the ugliest women on the strip! These dogs will give you a bone! Show Dogs, where it always smells like over-used indoor wee-wee-pads! These mutts are used by the police to sniff out horny dudes! Show Dogs! Let them sit in your lap (for $10). These puppies can't eat people food, so put the wieners away, guys. Show Dogs! Be careful, some of them have fleas due to poor grooming habits. Show Dogs, where inconsistent training methods have left us with some of the unruliest beasts this side of The Dog Whisperer with Caesar Millan. They might bite you, but only because they're crazy. If you get bit, call your doctor and ask for a syringe filled with the most potent penicillin money can buy. SHOW DOGS! Open till 2am."

White Orchid aka Ghost Pussy (It's haaaauuuuunted!).

Add another R in Forest, and I'm sure that's at least 400 registered names in the state of Florida.

Graceful Lotus. What. The. Holy. Fuck. Is this another Indian-themed slot machine? At least this one is a little less culturally-insensitive than Jewels of India (is it even?) This doesn't actually sound like a strip club; it sounds like a respectful, demure escort service. "Here at Graceful Lotus, we make sure to use as much care as Vishnu's many arms to ensure you are always satisfied. Service, Elegance, and Class: that's the Graceful Lotus difference. OUTCALLS ONLY."

1 comment:

Blogger said...

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