1.03.2012

Welcome to 2012, End of Days!

I swear that will be my last End of Days joke for a while. I need to think of some better 2012 jokes than just run-of-the-mill Mayan Calendar stuff, but it's difficult to find time between cheeseburgers and continuing my sworn dedication to the Beyonce birther movement (as in Yeah right that bitch is birthing a baby. More like pulling out the pillow and cutting a cheque for some serious hush-money to a Honduran woman). But I digress.

I was doing some thinking on what I wanted my New Years Resolution to be. I always make tons, and never end up doing them (see: Stand-up comedy, drawing more) but this will be the year I make attainable goals! Goals that I, the laziest fucking human-sloth, can accomplish with even the most minimal effort. Here we go! Here is what I plan on doing this year:

Trying New FoodsThis one is exciting for me, since I have a super limited palate. Basically I'm ultra-boring and don't eat anything unless it's meaty, cheesy, or a Pizza Hut pizza with the meaty-cheesy stuffed-crust. I was trying to think up foods I haven't ever eaten (or have eaten, literally, once in my life) and I came out sounding like Charlie on It's Always Sunny ("I've never eaten a pear"). Here's what I plan on trying this year (oh yes, I will blog about it. The internet is nothing but a place for people to post pictures of their meals, amirite?)
- Mangoes
- Tofu
- Ethiopian Food (I just do not even know what it is, but it sounds like it will give me searing hot diarrhea)
- Bok Choy
- Mushroom soup (I haven't willingly eaten this since I was about 7)
- Any kind of mushroom that isn't the small round white kind
- Eggplant
- Plaintains
- French Onion Soup
- Artichoke (the kind from the grocery store, not the delicious kind that comes in a jar filled with vinegar and oil)
- Soba noodles
- Prawns
- Roasted Garlic
- Leeks
- Fiddleheads
- "Roasted Vegetables" (I know this sounds weird, but anything that is ever advertised as having roasted vegetables, I steer clear of. I have never had that gross mix of roasted zucchini, peppers, and onions anywhere near my mouth).
- Almond Milk
- Nut Butters (I've only ever eaten peanut butter. I mean, really, why would I eat anything but?)
- Tequila (I've never tried tequila. It seems gross to me)
- Margarine (I've eaten this once)
- Marmite/Vegemite
- Strawberry syrup for milk
- Yellow Peppers (I've eaten orange and red, so I'm assuming it will be similar)

Obviously I'll come up with more, but for the most part, I'm super picky when it comes to food. Considering I've only been eating avocados for 3 years, this should be interesting (aka I might barf).

Drawing Comics
I draw a lot, and a lot of my funniest jokes can be worked into small stories. I think I'm going to draw some more short things for the internet.


Finally Watching Friday Night Lights
Seriously, can you think of another lame network drama that people are so unashamed to love? For the longest time I was referring to it as 7th One Tree Hill Heaven: Football Years, which I know is wrong (or is it? They are super religious, right? Or maybe just focus-on-the-family-ish? But it's about teenagers? I have no fucking clue). Whatever, the point is, FNL seems like the kind of show I could get in to. As well, smart people and people with good taste in television seem to like FNL with the fury of a thousand teenage acne explosions (ew) and I am usually pretty trusting of other people's opinions.

Get back into ArcherI really let this one drop off, and I'm ashamed. Archer is such a good show and you all know how huge of a boner I have for Jon Benjamin, plus I don't hate Aisha Tyler anymore (it wasn't her fault she did The Santa Clause 2 & 3, she just had a crummy agent). Long story booooorrinng, Archer will be up next on my Netflix (aka I keep going to my local DVD rental and begging them to buy a new copy to replace the one that keeps getting stolen because I have no internet and therefore, ipso facto, have no Netflix).

Get Regular Haircuts
This seems like a dumb resolution, but I only ever get about 2 hair cuts a year and my hair looks like a discount "Rocker Grunge Girl" wig (dance around the description all you want, WigCraft, but we know you're talking about Courtney Love) at a off-highway Halloween Superstore. So this year I'm going to cut my hair every 6 weeks. When did I get so boring? Oh shit, DON'T ANSWER THAT. I can't handle your truth.

5 comments:

c.poir said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
c.poir said...

roasted garlic is the greatest. although if you do decide to try it, i highly recommend getting some type of heavy duty mouthwash/toothpaste. unless you want to offend people with your breath.

Renee said...

I apologize for how boring this is going to be, maybe:

- Mangoes - try dried mangoes. Here in the states they have them at Costco. It's the only way I like 'em. Regular mangoes taste like they're dirty, no matter how much you wash them.
- Tofu - Do you have a Pei Wei? It's like PF Chang's but for poorer people. They do a honey-seared tofu that fools me sufficiently. You really should have done most of this stuff when you were in LA.
- Any kind of mushroom that isn't the small round white kind - If you ARE ever back in LA, you should try to find a Rubio's Baja Grill. They make portobello mushroom tacos that just taste like tacos. I eat them like they're going out of style (hint: according to Top Chef, portobellos are definitely going out of style)
- Eggplant - Eggplant Parmesan from Macaroni Grill. It's fried, so you can't taste it. Yum.
- French Onion Soup - Go find a Paradise Bakery. And ask for extra croutons.
- Artichoke (the kind from the grocery store, not the delicious kind that comes in a jar filled with vinegar and oil) - my mother-in-law's house. I swear.
- Prawns - gross.
- Roasted Garlic
- Leeks
- "Roasted Vegetables" (I know this sounds weird, but anything that is ever advertised as having roasted vegetables, I steer clear of. I have never had that gross mix of roasted zucchini, peppers, and onions anywhere near my mouth).

For those last three I'm seriously considering sending you a vegetable pot pie I love. Not a zucchini or pepper in sight.

- Margarine (I've eaten this once) - go for the Country Crock

- Strawberry syrup for milk - YES!!!! DO IT!!!!


P.S. When I go somewhere fancy, I order my food from the kids' menu.

rose said...

I'm trying to be attainable with my goals as well - fitness, writing more, etc.

I've been meaning to watch FNL forevers. I just started OTH on Netflix and I'm in lurve. I think the writing is really clever, not always with specific dialogue, but the characters are so well-developed.

Anyways, holler when you start FNL, maybe we could make something funny out of watching it in tandem.

SJM said...

Skip the Ethiopian food. I was on a "try new things" binge, and it was literally the worst thing I have put into my mouth (and that can get gross considering I used to have no qualms about smoking used cigarette butts out of ashtrays in college when I was poor). Then, I tried to just eat some of the bread because that is safe and I was starving, but they boil their bread in water or something. Every single dish was a different shade of mush. You have been warned.